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Struggling guys told to "date-within-your-league"


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Old 6th November 2017, 12:49 AM   #16
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Dating within your league could also be termed as 'like attracts like'. And women also experience this.

My 18yo daughter is very indie in style. She has a large tattoo on her arm, piercings and crazy red curls which she refuses to tame into straightness like all the fashionable girls. Her most common shoe choice are Docs and she buys clothes at the flea market. She goes to extremes to avoid tanning and so has glowing white skin.

A lot of boys her age don't give her a second glance. She doesn't get wolf whistles like her more classically attractive best friend. But at an indie event, my daughter gets lots of male appreciation. Therefore, if she was wanting a straight looking kind of guy, she'd be waiting forever.

Guys, it's not just you. We all attract the kind of people who would naturally travel in our circles.
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Old 6th November 2017, 11:55 AM   #17
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See, I'm actually not so sure this is true though.

Guys on the one hand are often told that we can get anyone we want we just have to Be Confident. (And there is a lot of truth to that indeed--seemingly average guys are dating women who rate much higher on the attractiveness scale all the time. But I digress.)

Women on the other hand are often told to stop being so shallow dating by attraction and why can't they just give a Nice Guy a chance.


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Originally Posted by GoodOnPaper View Post
So often it seems that struggling guys are accused of only being attracted to superhot women and so are told to "stay in their league" in order to be more successful. I can't help but wonder if this can really lead to any kind of relationship, whether casual or committed, that is mutually exciting for both partners. After all, if the guy in his own mind is basically pre-settling before he even talks to a woman, can you really expect him become satisfied - at least to the point where he doesn't consider himself to be "struggling" anymore?

I never intentionally dated "up" or "down" based on physical looks, but it did turn out that with the few GFs I had when I was single, I was always the one who was more interested and it always resulted in them monkeybranching to other guys. With my wife, she was the one who was more interested - while in many ways we have a good life, neither situation is ideal.
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Old 6th November 2017, 12:35 PM   #18
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If we are talking about purely looks, in majority of the couples woman is the better looking one. Men are more visual and women care about man's career and general confidence.

There are many people though that are generally not ambitious and want to go through life with path of the least resistance. They often marry a partner that adores them and they can go through life doing little in return. My brother had an option of dating a super hot girl and an average one. Both were interested. He choose to date and marry an average one. When I asked him about it, he simply told me that he "doesn't need the stress of dating a hottie". He expanded by saying that he would worry every time she went to a supermarket on her own because she constantly got hit on by men. I am sure he has grown to love his now wife but that's a classic case of picking an easier option.

I was always advised by my father to go for below average looking men. He told me that they would be so happy to be with me that I would be treated like a queen my entire life. I even tried that, but surprisingly was treated like s^it by some of the worst looking men I dated. In fact, I would even go as far to say that I was treated with more kindness and respect by men that were similar or even slightly better looking than me.

However, it's a lot more nuanced than just looks. There is an intellectual league, social charisma league, financial league, youth league and many others. Then also every person places different weights on all those leagues.

I would personally rather date my equal than deliberately chose someone that I perceive as "below" me.
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:22 PM   #19
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If we are talking about purely looks, in majority of the couples woman is the better looking one. Men are more visual and women care about man's career and general confidence.
I don't know... I've seen some pretty good looking men with some ratty looking women
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:42 PM   #20
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The same can be said in reverse.... Total bombshell lady with a 5'1" comb over and hairy back! lol

When I was younger, I was in the Fire Service and had the boyish good looks to boot. It was easy to get girls to take out. Not so much to keep them. Once they figured out how much I made, and the days I was gone working...They were on to the next carnival ride. lol

Luckily, I found a good girl at 30. I slowed down and am trying to keep her around.... (Thats another story, and I'm not ready.)
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:04 PM   #21
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If we are talking about purely looks, in majority of the couples woman is the better looking one. Men are more visual and women care about man's career and general confidence.
It's interesting you think that because if anything, the opposite is true. First of all, by definition, exactly the same number of males and females form heterosexual couples. At some point , contrary to the skewed statistics of a site like this, the vast majority of men and women enter relationships and have children. Its kinda hard for one side to be better looking than the other, unless your argument was based on women spending more time on personal grooming or obsessing about their looks, which you didn't. The general consensus is that good looking guys have MANY more sexual partners than good looking women. Meanwhile the average looking girl has a much easier time finding a BF than vice versa. That alone would imply on average that men in most couples are slightly better looking.
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Old 6th November 2017, 5:09 PM   #22
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It's not just struggling dudes who are told to date within their league, ladies will get the same advice. More often than not, if someone struggles with dating, it's because they set their sights too high.

I am just an average looking guy. If I spent all my time chasing women who looked like underwear models, I would likely be single forever. It wouldn't be a mystery to anyone why I was single either.

I have a buddy who does this all the time. He is a 35-year-old bald guy who lives with his parents and unless the girl he meets is fit, young, and pretty, he isn't going to be interested. He will come by my house sometimes to hang out and he will tell me about some new girl he met at work, and inevitably show me a picture of some hot young girl. Just an inevitably, he always finds out she isn't interested in him.

I think too many people are full of themselves these days. You can't suggest to them that their average looking, issue-laden behind should stick to someone like themselves because their narcissistic nature does not allow them to consider the fact that they are trying to punch above their pay grade.
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Old 6th November 2017, 5:17 PM   #23
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I date within my league on all accounts (Look, career, money...) and it works fine.

The poster who stated that people from either gender who wants to date up and have way too high standards is right and they will bite the dust everytime and come and complain to friends or to us here.

Honestly, I have never had a 10 model in my bed but have landed some relationships with very pretty women. We had so much in common that looks didn't even matter much.
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Old 6th November 2017, 5:26 PM   #24
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There's a thing about looks being a priority which I don't understand: Even if someone looks great when you meet them, what happens when your partner gets old? Or their bodies change?
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Old 6th November 2017, 5:56 PM   #25
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It's been my experience that most guys want the best or better than they themselves really bring to the table...If they can pull it off, more power to them..

Women tend to do the opposite...I think most women want to feel like they are the better looking one of the pairing and while most guys actually like it when other guys are checking out their woman, most women get anxious and downright angry about it....I think it comes down to competitiveness...Guys give a thumbs up and an appreciative nod to another guy with a hot woman...Women who see other women with good looking men, will cut the gf/w down, and some even may try to steal the guy away...

Most people probably couldn't identify their own league anyway...So what's the point? Ask around...You'll usually find your spot by seeing who likes you and who doesn't...

TFY
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Old 6th November 2017, 6:58 PM   #26
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Most people probably couldn't identify their own league anyway...So what's the point? Ask around...You'll usually find your spot by seeing who likes you and who doesn't...
most peoples friends, family and coworkers should define their "league"
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Old 6th November 2017, 9:44 PM   #27
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I think leagues exist. People usually match up with their like naturally. Usually when I see an attractive person they are with another person of like attractiveness. It's very uncommon to see a gorgeous guy and not attractive woman and vice versa that I have given up hope. It's rare in that it catches my eye when I see it. I assume the same for EQ and IQ (as much as I dislike those terms), socioeconomic position, and other characteristics
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Old 7th November 2017, 5:26 AM   #28
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Breaking off a relationship with one person and immediately starting one with a new person.
A point of clarification.... Monkey Branching involves grabbing hold of the new branch (relationship) before you've let go of the last one. Not necessarily to the extent of any physical cheating, but certainly making new connections and emotional attachments before ending the existing relationship.
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Old 7th November 2017, 6:36 AM   #29
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I think leagues exist. People usually match up with their like naturally. Usually when I see an attractive person they are with another person of like attractiveness. It's very uncommon to see a gorgeous guy and not attractive woman and vice versa that I have given up hope. It's rare in that it catches my eye when I see it. I assume the same for EQ and IQ (as much as I dislike those terms), socioeconomic position, and other characteristics
I want to add to this, that most of the time in the rare instances you do see a mismatch in these ways, there's some offset/trade that occurs but they are both out of each other's league in other ways. Best example is wealthy unattractive man and beautiful woman. If not, I always feel like one person is putting up with a lot of crap from the other.
I've dated men who were socially out of my league (extremely popular), more educated, smarter, better looking, and it was always a somewhat uncomfortable experience to me because I was cognizant of it. I can only assume he was too.

Saying our value on dating market is all relative is a nice sentiment but I just haven't found it to be true...There are people who have it overall way better/easier in certain ways than others because they have more to offer people. And it's not that relative. It could be they have a cool personality. Most people can tell someone with an cool/fun personality from a boring curmudgeon.

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Old 7th November 2017, 11:03 AM   #30
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I always had trouble with the "league concept". I seem to attract women who are not like me, and am more into women who complement me rather than are similar to me. I have had good luck with women from a similar economic or educational background, but as far as physical attractiveness or ethnicity go, it's been really hard for me to define a league, as I've been all over the place.
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