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Struggling guys told to "date-within-your-league"


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So often it seems that struggling guys are accused of only being attracted to superhot women and so are told to "stay in their league" in order to be more successful. I can't help but wonder if this can really lead to any kind of relationship, whether casual or committed, that is mutually exciting for both partners. After all, if the guy in his own mind is basically pre-settling before he even talks to a woman, can you really expect him become satisfied - at least to the point where he doesn't consider himself to be "struggling" anymore?

 

I never intentionally dated "up" or "down" based on physical looks, but it did turn out that with the few GFs I had when I was single, I was always the one who was more interested and it always resulted in them monkeybranching to other guys. With my wife, she was the one who was more interested - while in many ways we have a good life, neither situation is ideal.

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90% of the time women do the choosing when it comes to dating and mating. females know all about staying within your league.

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Well-matched partners will have the most stable and durable relationships, for obvious reasons. Dating within one's league is a recipe for success. If one finds that the members of one's league are not appealing (*), then the logical response would be to rev up one's game - be it exercise, clothes, personality, finances, grooming, socializing, education - and advance to a higher league. Everyone can do this, at least to some extent and often dramatically.

 

(*) Think about that.

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Well-matched partners will have the most stable and durable relationships, for obvious reasons. Dating within one's league is a recipe for success. If one finds that the members of one's league are not appealing (*), then the logical response would be to rev up one's game - be it exercise, clothes, personality, finances, grooming, socializing, education - and advance to a higher league. Everyone can do this, at least to some extent and often dramatically.

 

(*) Think about that.

indeed Sole Mate, indeed

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Though men want the most attractive woman they can

marry. This does not mean they will always desire a model.

This does not mean they settled in a bad way.

 

They know they never will get a 10 does not mean

they will not be happy with the one they get or have

regrets because they settled for less then a 10.

 

The are happy that they settled for in a good way for a woman

that they find very attractive and takes good care of them.

 

It is called being a realist. There can be 1,000 boys in a high

school or young men at a college. 999 of them never get to

date the prom queen or the head cheerleader.

 

They never felt they settled for the one they dated. They

were happy that they pulled in catch that was good as they

got.

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Cookiesandough
90% of the time women do the choosing when it comes to dating and mating. females know all about staying within your league.

 

Women typically try to date above their league too. They have the unique ability to do so which few men have. Men often drop their standards for quick/easy/novel sex partner. So if a woman is readily available for sex and sexually exciting, she can, in essence, play above her league for a bit. The problem comes into play when she confuses sexual interest with romantic interest. It artificially inflates her dating market value in her mind, so she won't be as content with plain old Joe Schmo'.

 

 

That's the problem with people who date below their league. They're never fully satisfied but they're more comfortable and there is an advantage to having someone give you most of what you want very easily.

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That's the problem with people who date below their league. They're never fully satisfied but they're more comfortable and there is an advantage to having someone give you most of what you want very easily.

 

This isn't a league thing. This is reality. Nobody is 100% perfect, therefore most of us won't be *fully* satisfied. I reckon if we can find a partner who meets most of our needs, it's a very good outcome.

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Cookiesandough

Oh absolutely, basil. I was talking specifically about people who take advantage of the position of power believing they have more/better options and therefore care the least/ have less interest. To give an example, a woman dates a man who she is not that attracted to, but he is very caring and sweet and she doesn't have to do anything. Same with a man who dates a woman who is constantly giving sex and doing things for him and he has to do nothing. Both know they can go out and do better tomorrow(and often do), but they are currently in a comfortable circumstance and taking advantage of it.

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Women typically try to date above their league too. They have the unique ability to do so which few men have. Men often drop their standards for quick/easy/novel sex partner. So if a woman is readily available for sex and sexually exciting, she can, in essence, play above her league for a bit. The problem comes into play when she confuses sexual interest with romantic interest. It artificially inflates her dating market value in her mind, so she won't be as content with plain old Joe Schmo'.

 

 

That's the problem with people who date below their league. They're never fully satisfied but they're more comfortable and there is an advantage to having someone give you most of what you want very easily.

 

*handclap*

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I never intentionally dated "up" or "down" based on physical looks, but it did turn out that with the few GFs I had when I was single, I was always the one who was more interested and it always resulted in them monkeybranching to other guys.

 

 

What is monkeybranching exactly?

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What is monkeybranching exactly?

 

Breaking off a relationship with one person and immediately starting one with a new person.

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Cookiesandough
I can't help but wonder if this can really lead to any kind of relationship, whether casual or committed, that is mutually exciting for both partners. After all, if the guy in his own mind is basically pre-settling before he even talks to a woman, can you really expect him become satisfied - at least to the point where he doesn't consider himself to be "struggling" anymore?

 

I have thought about this as well and I have to say not. If you feel you are settling I do not think there will ever be a time you will never struggle with it. It may not be on your mind 24/7 (though it may 0.0), but certainly in the back of your mind. Intimate relationships are already fickle enough. As Basil pointed out, there is a difference between having respect, attraction, adoration and all the other things associated with deep romantic feelings and still seeing things you dislike/are flawed in the person versus feeling you could do better and yet you are settling for ease/comfort(desire to be in a relationship, security and other things the person provides, practical reasons like starting a family asap, etc)

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My view used to be - an immature one - was that dating within or even slightly below my league was better for security and fidelity and devotion to me. It was not about my power.

 

Unfortunately there is no significant firm correlation that I found.

 

however, as someone mentioned - I also found it easier to let the woman choose me.

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however, as someone mentioned - I also found it easier to let the woman choose me.

 

that was me, I mentioned that

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Dating within your league could also be termed as 'like attracts like'. And women also experience this.

 

My 18yo daughter is very indie in style. She has a large tattoo on her arm, piercings and crazy red curls which she refuses to tame into straightness like all the fashionable girls. Her most common shoe choice are Docs and she buys clothes at the flea market. She goes to extremes to avoid tanning and so has glowing white skin.

 

A lot of boys her age don't give her a second glance. She doesn't get wolf whistles like her more classically attractive best friend. But at an indie event, my daughter gets lots of male appreciation. Therefore, if she was wanting a straight looking kind of guy, she'd be waiting forever.

 

Guys, it's not just you. We all attract the kind of people who would naturally travel in our circles.

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See, I'm actually not so sure this is true though.

 

Guys on the one hand are often told that we can get anyone we want we just have to Be Confident. (And there is a lot of truth to that indeed--seemingly average guys are dating women who rate much higher on the attractiveness scale all the time. But I digress.)

 

Women on the other hand are often told to stop being so shallow dating by attraction and why can't they just give a Nice Guy a chance.

 

 

So often it seems that struggling guys are accused of only being attracted to superhot women and so are told to "stay in their league" in order to be more successful. I can't help but wonder if this can really lead to any kind of relationship, whether casual or committed, that is mutually exciting for both partners. After all, if the guy in his own mind is basically pre-settling before he even talks to a woman, can you really expect him become satisfied - at least to the point where he doesn't consider himself to be "struggling" anymore?

 

I never intentionally dated "up" or "down" based on physical looks, but it did turn out that with the few GFs I had when I was single, I was always the one who was more interested and it always resulted in them monkeybranching to other guys. With my wife, she was the one who was more interested - while in many ways we have a good life, neither situation is ideal.

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Eternal Sunshine

If we are talking about purely looks, in majority of the couples woman is the better looking one. Men are more visual and women care about man's career and general confidence.

 

There are many people though that are generally not ambitious and want to go through life with path of the least resistance. They often marry a partner that adores them and they can go through life doing little in return. My brother had an option of dating a super hot girl and an average one. Both were interested. He choose to date and marry an average one. When I asked him about it, he simply told me that he "doesn't need the stress of dating a hottie". He expanded by saying that he would worry every time she went to a supermarket on her own because she constantly got hit on by men. I am sure he has grown to love his now wife but that's a classic case of picking an easier option.

 

I was always advised by my father to go for below average looking men. He told me that they would be so happy to be with me that I would be treated like a queen my entire life. I even tried that, but surprisingly was treated like s^it by some of the worst looking men I dated. In fact, I would even go as far to say that I was treated with more kindness and respect by men that were similar or even slightly better looking than me.

 

However, it's a lot more nuanced than just looks. There is an intellectual league, social charisma league, financial league, youth league and many others. Then also every person places different weights on all those leagues.

 

I would personally rather date my equal than deliberately chose someone that I perceive as "below" me.

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If we are talking about purely looks, in majority of the couples woman is the better looking one. Men are more visual and women care about man's career and general confidence.

I don't know... I've seen some pretty good looking men with some ratty looking women

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BarbedFenceRider

The same can be said in reverse.... Total bombshell lady with a 5'1" comb over and hairy back! lol

 

When I was younger, I was in the Fire Service and had the boyish good looks to boot. It was easy to get girls to take out. Not so much to keep them. Once they figured out how much I made, and the days I was gone working...They were on to the next carnival ride. lol

 

Luckily, I found a good girl at 30. I slowed down and am trying to keep her around.... (Thats another story, and I'm not ready.)

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If we are talking about purely looks, in majority of the couples woman is the better looking one. Men are more visual and women care about man's career and general confidence.

 

It's interesting you think that because if anything, the opposite is true. First of all, by definition, exactly the same number of males and females form heterosexual couples. At some point , contrary to the skewed statistics of a site like this, the vast majority of men and women enter relationships and have children. Its kinda hard for one side to be better looking than the other, unless your argument was based on women spending more time on personal grooming or obsessing about their looks, which you didn't. The general consensus is that good looking guys have MANY more sexual partners than good looking women. Meanwhile the average looking girl has a much easier time finding a BF than vice versa. That alone would imply on average that men in most couples are slightly better looking.

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I date within my league on all accounts (Look, career, money...) and it works fine.

 

The poster who stated that people from either gender who wants to date up and have way too high standards is right and they will bite the dust everytime and come and complain to friends or to us here.

 

Honestly, I have never had a 10 model in my bed but have landed some relationships with very pretty women. We had so much in common that looks didn't even matter much.

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There's a thing about looks being a priority which I don't understand: Even if someone looks great when you meet them, what happens when your partner gets old? Or their bodies change?

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thefooloftheyear

It's been my experience that most guys want the best or better than they themselves really bring to the table...If they can pull it off, more power to them..

 

Women tend to do the opposite...I think most women want to feel like they are the better looking one of the pairing and while most guys actually like it when other guys are checking out their woman, most women get anxious and downright angry about it....I think it comes down to competitiveness...Guys give a thumbs up and an appreciative nod to another guy with a hot woman...Women who see other women with good looking men, will cut the gf/w down, and some even may try to steal the guy away...

 

Most people probably couldn't identify their own league anyway...So what's the point? Ask around...You'll usually find your spot by seeing who likes you and who doesn't...

 

TFY

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Most people probably couldn't identify their own league anyway...So what's the point? Ask around...You'll usually find your spot by seeing who likes you and who doesn't...

 

most peoples friends, family and coworkers should define their "league"

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