Cookiesandough Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 (edited) I've realized looks matter in relationship and I do not like it. I don't like how that's such a motivator for men to pursue based on that, to the point I'm a little resentful . It matters to me too as a female. I'm drawn to good looking guys. However, I've decided challenging my limiting beliefs. I am exception though and also I am looking mostly for casual(not sex, but just go w the flow) so the shallowness makes more sense. The problem this is still seen in LOVING, romantic relationships. I'm not saying that everyone's looking for the hotties, but they must be attracted. Unless you're friends first, most people judge you intially on your looks and then decide to talk to you to see if a loving bond can form from there. It grosses me out. I understand you need to to be attracted enough to not be repulsed by physical intimacy, but if you really love someone, it shouldn't be possible to be repulsed. How virtuous can a relationship be that is contingent on a person's looks. Or how smart they are. Or how much money they make. they are etc. I guess Rand was right, but I don't think that sounds very nice to the point I almost don't want to be part of it. Does anyone get what I mean? Edited October 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 You aren't an exception, though. You're basic. Just like the men you are attracted to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 You aren't an exception, though. You're basic. Just like the men you are attracted to. I mean I am an exception in that I am trying to force myself to stop caring about physical appearance. I don't think most people do this, or do they? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I mean I am an exception in that I am trying to force myself to stop caring about physical appearance. I don't think most people do this, or do they? Who say's you have to force yourself to pair up with an unattractive man?? TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 The good news is we all have a different definition of what is attractive. I would not date the men my female friends pick, and they would not date the ones I picked. When you're out and about have you noticed all kinds of people are in relationships, the good looking and the not-so-good-looking. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 Who say's you have to force yourself to pair up with an unattractive man?? TFY But wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to put emphasis on sexual attraction when it bothers me so much the other way around? I won't purposefully go for men I'm not attracted to, but I will challenge my beliefs that attraction needs to be there for me to fall in love. Maybe we can fall in love with anybody. As long as they have a good heart and love us back. What are your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I mean I am an exception in that I am trying to force myself to stop caring about physical appearance. I don't think most people do this, or do they? Define 'stop caring'? When I met my boyfriend I felt he was too tall and too thin. I'm on the shorter side and I always went for the big strong guys. I decided to date him again and see if something would ignite in me. It did, after 3 dates I started seeing him as handsome and desireable. There are things I would never stop caring about like hygiene, having nice teeth, clean clothes, dressing appropriately, and good grooming. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 The good news is we all have a different definition of what is attractive. I would not date the men my female friends pick, and they would not date the ones I picked. When you're out and about have you noticed all kinds of people are in relationships, the good looking and the not-so-good-looking. True, gaeta but people usually choose from people they find physically attractive when they are dating after that if every thing else is on point they fall in love. So it's all based on something superficial. Every guy who likes you has rejected a lot of women right off the bat because he wasn't attracted. Now he is dating you. Then it leads to love. How virtuous is that ? Not very if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Unless you're friends first, most people judge you intially on your looks and then decide to talk to you to see if a loving bond can form from there. It grosses me out. Most animals in the world size up their mates based on physical attributes. Humans are no different, it's just a little more complex. You're fighting the science behind basic sexuality with these views, and who you are as a sexual being, which is most likely why you're not having sex. Stop over analyzing and let sexual attraction be what it is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 True, gaeta but people usually choose from people they find physically attractive when they are dating after that if every thing else is on point they fall in love. So it's all based on something superficial. Every guy who likes you has rejected a lot of women right off the bat because he wasn't attracted. Now he is dating you. Then it leads to love. How virtuous is that ? Not very if you ask me. It's not suppose to be virtuous, we are mammals, we are wired that way to insure our survival as a species. Men and women go through it differently as well. BF and I were talking about this once and he told me to fall in love he needs to desire her instantly. He said he knows it's superficial but men are wired that way. We women are more wired toward finding a partner, protector, provider, we are attracted mainly toward confidence. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Curious, what is physically attractive to you Cookies. I have seen you say things about how his face has to looks certain way etc. I am just wondering how narrow this definition is for you. Me, sure there has to be baseline physical attraction - but it's a guy's mind that reels me in. And yes, I do think you make all kinds of issues for yourself. He must be "hot" but you don't want to be chosen based on your looks. He must text you back instantly, but you like to wait a day before responding to him. What other double standards do you have? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Does anyone get what I mean? no, not really... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 (edited) So Gaeta and Bob, we are animals and romantic love is all about propagation of the species, but we also have the ability to reason. We have the ability to see through this for what it is. It's shallow... It's interesting to me that love of the romantic variety is touted to be this ineffable, majestic thing one minute, and the next is just a thing humans do so they don't die out. Edited October 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Imagine yourself visually impaired. What senses would you now rely on to deem a potential mate attractive? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 More analysis paralysis. What do you hope to achieve from this exercise? My honest opinion? You aren't emotionally ready for a romantic relationship, and therefore you will come up with a million and one road blocks as to why you don't find guys attractive, why you don't like guys finding you attractive, about how you don't want a relationship, see no value in it, same with love. All consternation.... Stuff that gets you chasing your tail in a mental exercise - that does little to change action in reality. What about not only taking a break from dating, but also from this constant analyzing? Sometimes I think the more people get stuck in their heads on these subjects the further they drift from the tangible things. Or if you are going to analyze, why not focus on causes rather than symptoms? Why are you so self protectionary? Why do you have such an inner conflict? Why do you spend so much energy on this? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I've realized looks matter in relationship and I do not like it. I don't like how that's such a motivator for men to pursue based on that, to the point I'm a little resentful . It matters to me too as a female. I'm drawn to good looking guys. However, I've decided challenging my limiting beliefs. I am exception though and also I am looking mostly for casual(not sex, but just go w the flow) so the shallowness makes more sense. The problem this is still seen in LOVING, romantic relationships. I'm not saying that everyone's looking for the hotties, but they must be attracted. Unless you're friends first, most people judge you intially on your looks and then decide to talk to you to see if a loving bond can form from there. It grosses me out. I understand you need to to be attracted enough to not be repulsed by physical intimacy, but if you really love someone, it shouldn't be possible to be repulsed. How virtuous can a relationship be that is contingent on a person's looks. Or how smart they are. Or how much money they make. they are etc. I guess Rand was right, but I don't think that sounds very nice to the point I almost don't want to be part of it. Does anyone get what I mean? If it is contingent on ANYTHING it is not virtuous by definition. I noticed that when it is an actual romantic attraction, it works in reverse: you start to be attracted to the looks / smarts of the specific person of interest. They become your baseline for comparison to others. When you're trying to justify a romantic attraction - the process is - you measure it up to something arbitrary predefined. I.e. he has education of at least college level or he is at least 6 foot tall. You get where I'm heading. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 But wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to put emphasis on sexual attraction when it bothers me so much the other way around? Probably, but when it comes to love, you can’t double-bind yourself with logic. At some point, you have to be a little selfish. When I was single, I was terrible at attracting women and even when I did, I was always the one more interested. Then I met my wife - she was the first to be more interested in me. I could never break it off because after all, what right did I have to reject her when I thought it wasn’t right that all those girls rejected or dumped me? I doubt that anyone on LS would say that logic led me to the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Probably, but when it comes to love, you can’t double-bind yourself with logic. At some point, you have to be a little selfish. When I was single, I was terrible at attracting women and even when I did, I was always the one more interested. Then I met my wife - she was the first to be more interested in me. I could never break it off because after all, what right did I have to reject her when I thought it wasn’t right that all those girls rejected or dumped me? I doubt that anyone on LS would say that logic led me to the right decision. Oh no! You're with your wife bc you thought it was wrong to reject her because you had been rejected by othets? Does she know that? Gah! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Yeah, OP I get it. Sounds like my exW. She seemed to want it but it wasn't there so she thought it instead. In the end she was honest though. Good on her. Wasted a decade of my life but had some good memories along the way so I guess that's worth something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GuitarGuy7 Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 (edited) What iv'e found OP is that sometimes, we can fall for people who are not our physical ideal when we get to know them as a person and we find out how cool they are. That doesn't mean that they're ugly, it just means that they're not the type we are usually looking for. For instance, let's just say your ideal guy is a man who's 5 ft 10 or taller and you meet a guy who's just 5 ft 6. Now you may not have that initial attraction towards him but you two start talking and get to know him a little bit and it turns out you two have some things in common. And that's when you start to realize "Hey, I would have never noticed this guy beforehand but now that iv'e gotten to know him, iv'e realized that he's actually kind of cute" Now don't get me wrong, there's some people you will never be physically attracted to. But sometimes, we can fall for people who may not be our physical ideal if we get to know and that's when we start to realize that we are actually physically attracted to them. Edited October 28, 2017 by GuitarGuy7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 The good news is we all have a different definition of what is attractive. I would not date the men my female friends pick, and they would not date the ones I picked. When you're out and about have you noticed all kinds of people are in relationships, the good looking and the not-so-good-looking. Totally agree - as much as the principle of being attracted by looks sucks in theory, in practice everyone's got a different taste for what they think is "attractive" in terms of looks (hell, I've even got multiple tastes!). While looks are a factor in attraction, it's not the only factor (personality and similar interests are a couple more). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Yes, I do get what you mean, but you're still doing it wrong. I agree with Recent Change in that you're putting yourself through more "analysis paralysis." You kind of remind me of a computer that is trying to perform a task (in this case, something along the lines of defining love), but every time an error comes up, you reboot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 (edited) But wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to put emphasis on sexual attraction when it bothers me so much the other way around? I won't purposefully go for men I'm not attracted to, but I will challenge my beliefs that attraction needs to be there for me to fall in love. Maybe we can fall in love with anybody. As long as they have a good heart and love us back. What are your thoughts? You really want to know?? You are kidding yourself....At this stage in your life, anyway....For right now, its got to be there, physically, or its not...And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that...Maybe as you get older, the pool of available men starts to broaden(i've seen that happen....moreso with women than men)... I mean no disrespect to anyone, but it does tire me reading all the slamming on here of any guy that would be conventionally good looking..."they are all narcissists.".."they are selfish', "lousy in bed" blah, blah... The world is full of good looking and high quality men...No one is perfect, but to think they are all so bad, just seems silly... All the advice to look beyond the physical for the other traits, while well intentioned, quite frankly its all bullshyt...Some people just cant...Perhaps that's you...I dunno... I don't know how attractive you are,(I just never paid too much attention), but many other posters have you well above average,...Ill take their word for it..You are also compassionate, well spoken and intelligent from what I can gather....So then why do you have to settle for the shlub with the neckbeard and the chubby physique? Because he is nice? You can have it all....It's harder when you go about it with that mindset, esp for women...Ive said it before..Attractive women far outnumber attractive men, so you have a lot of competition... Some people have the capability to pull out the beer goggles and accept the person based on the other intangibles...Or maybe those intangibles wind up just "polishing the turd" as they say...I dunno, because I can't relate to that...Some of us just can't...If you are one of those, then at this particular time, you probably can't overcome it by challenging it....No matter what me or anyone else says.. TFY Edited October 28, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 To love without attraction is like loving a family member. You can't "fall in love" without attraction. You just can't.... People don't fall in love with looks. Most people would be alone if that was the case... but there's something about them that sparks attraction in the person they're with... personality is the most attractive thing there is in my opinion. It's your choice, though. You can choose to love someone you're not attracted to and be in a relationship with or marry someone where there's no attraction. But do you really want that?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 (edited) It's not suppose to be virtuous, we are mammals, we are wired that way to insure our survival as a species. Men and women go through it differently as well. BF and I were talking about this once and he told me to fall in love he needs to desire her instantly. He said he knows it's superficial but men are wired that way. We women are more wired toward finding a partner, protector, provider, we are attracted mainly toward confidence. I might add - my view is some women can compromise a bit too much in the attractiveness or maybe in specific sexual compatibility to get other wonderful attributes in a man. I am not saying they marry someone bad looking or bad in bed but I think they struggle later with issues of sexual interest as the relationship progresses. I can't tell you the number of stories I read, or have known "He is a wonderful man/husband/father - but he just never hit my buttons as much as I would have liked" and so the marriage is fine - except sex - the woman looses interest. Some women need to acknowledge this rather basic side of themselves and not compromise too much with a guy - particularly a husband. As you say men can be initially focused on the physical appearance- but honestly if the sex/intimacy is pretty good - I think some of men will quickly drop their preconceived attractiveness barrier. But this is some women and some men. I think I find more and more that it comes down to personal makeup and not gender anymore. I do like the story of shifting your "What is a attractive model" after falling for someone. I did that with my first love - physically I was attracted to her roommate body/appearance - but after we got together (she was persistent in chasing me) and our wonderful relationship ended I found myself scanning the room for women who looked like her. Edited October 28, 2017 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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