SaltyH Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I post this not seeking advice but rather as a warning to other loving spouses who think they’re doing the right thing but end up destroying it all. My husband and I go way back, he was my first crush and we dated in our teens. We separated for college but then found each other again not long after college. We separated again a few years later when he took an overseas job but once again found each other when he came home. We’ve been together the last 8 years, married for 6. So although only a relatively short marriage there is a lot of history there. For the whole time I’ve known him, back since our early teens, he has had a fantasy. Throughout all the years it has always remained his fantasy. I stupidly thought that I would surprise him with this for his 40th. It took months to organize, to find the right people, make sure it would all work etc. I had to tell him a couple of weeks before hand just because logistics demanded so. He was dead against it. He said it was just a fantasy and should remain as such. I can be quite persuasive. I talked him around. Huge mistake. The weekend went off without a hitch. In fact it was so much better than anyone could have predicted. I came away thinking what an awesome present I had given him. But then it all changed. He loved it so much he wants more. He won’t stop asking, hinting and referring to that weekend. I made it very very very clear that it was a one off. I had a great time myself too but even so it’s not something I ever wanted as a regular part of my life. So we have now split. He basically said if he can’t pursue this with me then he will without me. Made all that much easier as he’s being encouraged by one of the others that was there. I know I only have myself to blame, but it still cuts deep. He’ll likely get over this or find it all too hard to achieve by himself and then want to come back. I just couldn’t take him back after this slap in the face. Think long and hard people before acting on you or your spouses fantasies. There can be many traps you just don’t see at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Hind sight is always 20/20 they say. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's easy to get caught up in the idea of something, when the reality turns out to be something far far worse. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 To me the lesson is that it's not a good idea to agree to do something just once if you truly never want to do it again, whether that be in a relationship or at work or whatever. It's only natural that if you agree "just this once" to bend the rules, to cover someone's shift, to hide their stash, to take a vacation to Europe, whatever... it's natural that they're going to think that it's possible to get you to do it again. Their expectations have changed. Even if you were totally honest that it was just once and never again, instinct says "but she did it ONCE, why not NOW?" and feelings will be hurt. And, of course, life-changing experiences may truly be life-changing. Taking someone on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Africa may suddenly lead to them quitting their job and running off to join the Peace Corps or something. But in that light it gets confusing, because - is it right to try and deny people a chance to grow and change, even if it risks that they may grow and change away from you? Complicated. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Sorry you're going through with this. This is gonna sound harsh, but if he really wants this, why not be happy for him? I know you feel betrayed since he's choosing whatever opportunity this is over you, but clearly if this is more important to him, then its obvious it just wasn't meant to be. I know that's not what you want to hear, but one of the biggest things that people fail to realize in life is that no one is obligated to stay with you. You guys had an amazing time together, but now he wants to pursue other things. Try and be happy for him. He was there for you and loved you for a great portion of your life. Now perhaps it's time to open a new chapter. There are lots of people out there to create new memories with. He won't be the last. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltyH Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 To me the lesson is that it's not a good idea to agree to do something just once if you truly never want to do it again We have had some experience in the past with similar situations. It always went well, both the experience and the after effects. I suppose that is what gave me a false sense of security to think that this time would be the same. All the history I had to judge by suggested that all would be fine. To be honest I think that if one of the other women didn't contact him and express an interest in doing it again (after contacting me and me declining) then we wouldn't be in this situation. Four months had passed since his birthday weekend by the time she contacted him. In that time we spoke about it a lot, we used the memories in bed, BUT he never asked to do it again. He's been presented with an opportunity that I wont grant him. He's pushed me aside to go for it. I know it wont work out long term and I know he'll be back. But this has gutted me and I cannot take him back. In the long term we both end up the poorer for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltyH Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 Try and be happy for him. You know that's not as dumb as it sounds (no offence). If his new found situation was going to work long term I could almost, in a weird type of way, feel happy for him. But it's not. He'll get to act out his fantasy a number of more times but it wont be as good as the first time with me. Then it will all fall away. That leaves him alone and in love with me and me alone and in love with him. It's hard to feel happy about that. Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) I know that's easier said than done. I don't even know ypur fill story honestly so maybe there's something I'm not understanding. Edited October 24, 2017 by ZayKayWill Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I think the mistake wasn't "acting on your spouse's fantasies", the mistake was acting on a fantasy when you KNOW it isn't for you and intend for it to be a one-time thing. That being said, what's done is done, and if this fantasy was such a huge deal for him, it is possible that things would have disintegrated anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I think the mistake wasn't "acting on your spouse's fantasies", the mistake was acting on a fantasy when you KNOW it isn't for you and intend for it to be a one-time thing. That being said, what's done is done, and if this fantasy was such a huge deal for him, it is possible that things would have disintegrated anyway. Exactly. It's not that he doesn't necessarily care about her he's just doing what he feels is right with him, regardless if it is selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I think late thirties/early forties is a risky age in any marriage. It seems one age group where cheating is very possible and people get dissatisfied, bored and restless. Is this all there is? Is this my life? How did I end up here? What am I going to do with my life? etc. etc. At that very moment you chose to give him his sexual fantasy, and he took it and ran with it, leaving you behind... Unfortunately being on this forum for a while I realise that some men like sex and will choose sex over everything else. They are often only with their wife as she gives him sex... Forget love or years of marriage or loyalty or being "soul mates"...etc. etc. Who cares? "Gimme the sex I want..." YOU offered him variety on a plate and when this other women contacted him, he weighed up the possibilities and chose her... too good an opportunity to miss. YOU are not up for it, but she is... I guess he thought you were in the bag and once he was finished or it all went pear shaped, you would be waiting, maybe mad and annoyed but still waiting... Plan B. Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Oh so wait. When you mean fantasy you mean sexual fantasy? You should have said that okay. I had no idea what you meant I thought maybe you let him go on vacation and was thinking about moving or something. But in any case, if this is what he wants...best just let him be. If one weekend of that is enough to get him to leave then it probably wasn't meant to be in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Oh so wait. When you mean fantasy you mean sexual fantasy? You should have said that okay. I had no idea what you meant I thought maybe you let him go on vacation and was thinking about moving or something. But in any case, if this is what he wants...best just let him be. If one weekend of that is enough to get him to leave then it probably wasn't meant to be in the first place. Ermm.. I think it is very, very obvious that she meant something sexual, lol. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) Ermm.. I think it is very, very obvious that she meant something sexual, lol. Meh...she said it was something life changing and that he wanted to 'pursue' this and that it was a weekend thing, so in my mind it sounded like she treated him to a vacation or something....xD I'm super eccentric...if you couldn't already tell. -_- Edited October 24, 2017 by ZayKayWill Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltyH Posted October 26, 2017 Author Share Posted October 26, 2017 I think the mistake wasn't "acting on your spouse's fantasies", the mistake was acting on a fantasy when you KNOW it isn't for you and intend for it to be a one-time thing. I'm not sure that is it. To explain, the fantasy was to be with three women, a blond, brunette and redhead. The fantasy was a 'just once' fantasy. He wasn't looking for an ongoing wife and girlfriends. So the fantasy that I was acting out was a fantasy I was entirely comfortable with. It was only after the fact, and only after he was contacted by them, that his once only fantasy was thrown aside in hopes of a more permanent situation. In hindsight I should have been aware of this very real possibility. In the absence of them contacting him I don't believe he would have ever pushed the issue of wanting it again. Over the years we have had the odd other sexual fantasy lived out and he never ever pushed the envelope wanting more. I had no reason to suspect it this time. Just to be clear, I was comfortable with the fantasy, in fact I would have acted it out again in the future on the very odd occasion. I am just not looking for us as a couple having a girlfriend (or two). It's the permanency of that that I dislike. Obviously that permanency is what appeals to him now. It blindsided me. I just hope my experience will make others think twice. I still support people living out their fantasies, I think it's healthy, although I'm probably in the minority with that. I just want people to think twice, three times, four times and discuss discuss discuss before they get into a situation that can ruin the great things they already have. I am living proof of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) I so sorry. but if this was SO important to have this (3some 4 some) all the time -over you and as this as a special gift - then he did not love or cherish you enough. Also he did not understand how much you loved him to treat him to something you did not want all the time. My thoughts on some of these kind of wild/extraordinary events - is to try them before marriage with someone you don't love. If you find you want it all the time - then you can find someone to marry for that kind of marriage. If it does not work out - then no loss as the people involved were not long term anyway. Also - unless you husband is unbelievable handsome and rich - and even then - how many of these situations is he going to be able to get as a single guy ? two or more women in bed at the same time? Most times I understand this works when the primary female partner lines it up (3 somes) - guys asking two or more women to join him in bed - rarely works. Also after a couple of years of this lifestyle - as he gets older - what then? If you were a good loving wife (sounds like you were to try this for him) thats more rare than a threesome. Again I am so sorry. I generally agree bringing others sexually into a marriage usually wrecks things. I hope you find your next love, or happiness in relationships soon. Edited October 26, 2017 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaltyH Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 then he did not love or cherish you enough. Also he did not understand how much you loved him to treat him to something you did not want all the time. Yep, seems pretty clear now. They'll tire of him (or him of them) and he'll be back, that I am sure of. It will be hard to send him away with his tail between his legs because despite all this I still love him. Which is probably a tad bit unhealthy but I'm working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 What the hell is wrong with me? How did I totally miss that??? -_- *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
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