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Men and breakups.


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I posted about breaking up with my bf of 7 months cause he couldn’t really commit to me. Anyway that was a week ago and we haven’t talked since (I ignored his texts/calls.) and deleted him off all my social media (just to regain my sanity back)

 

But I met with his best friend to return the key I had to his place, and he asked me what happened? I told him how come he didn’t tell you? And he said he only said so little and said he isn’t ready to talk about it yet.

 

Here’s my question, is that how men deal with breakups? Does that mean he’s hurt too? Cause I thought once we end it he’d be relieved and happy even, but what does not ready to talk about it mean?

 

I know that’s probably petty of me, but I want to know that I’m not the only one in pain now that it’s over. Maybe it means nothing at all but I’m interested in knowing how men deal with breakups in general?

 

Thank you everyone, people on here have been nothing but wonderful and supportive and it kept me strong. I truly appreciate it! <3

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I don't know about other guys, but it's not the sort of thing I bring up to my buddies. The details aren't important, it's more like "we're not together anymore" and that's about it.

 

Coming to this forum is the furthest I would go in divesting myself of the pain, and that's only because I found myself in love with a woman who's, for all intents and purposes, mentally ill, and it did a number on my psyche as well.

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Cookiesandough

It's hard to say whether or not he is hurting or not based on the information provided. If you broke up because he wasn't really committed, it's a force dump, so you're not even really the dumper, though you technically dumped. You had no choice but to move on, so I understand it being painful for you. It's better to just move forward with your life and find a guy who will commit you entirely and love you the way you deserve. Don't dwell on him. Best wishes!!!

Edited by Cookiesandough
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I don't know about other guys, but it's not the sort of thing I bring up to my buddies. The details aren't important, it's more like "we're not together anymore" and that's about it.

 

Coming to this forum is the furthest I would go in divesting myself of the pain, and that's only because I found myself in love with a woman who's, for all intents and purposes, mentally ill, and it did a number on my psyche as well.

 

That must be so hard, I’m really sorry to hear that. Breakups truly suck. There are no shortcuts.

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It's hard to say whether or not he is hurting or not based on the information provided. If you broke up because he wasn't really committed, it's a force dump, so you're not even really the dumper, though you technically dumped. You had no choice but to move on, so I understand it being painful for you. It's better to just move forward with your life and find a guy who will commit you entirely and love you the way you deserve. Don't dwell on him. Best wishes!!!

 

Thing is he was in for the ride, he never talked about ending it, but that’s not good enough. Thank you!!! I hope I will, oneday.

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Cookiesandough
Thing is he was in for the ride, he never talked about ending it, but that’s not good enough. Thank you!!! I hope I will, oneday.

 

If it's not enough for you and you aren't happy, you have to move on. After seven months, I can almost guarantee he misses you a lot. It's hard for us to lose anyone in our lives, but the bottom line was that if he cared enough he would have been all in. Stick to your guns!

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If it's not enough for you and you aren't happy, you have to move on. After seven months, I can almost guarantee he misses you a lot. It's hard for us to lose anyone in our lives, but the bottom line was that if he cared enough he would have been all in. Stick to your guns!

 

I know! And that’s the thing, that I was constantly looking over my shoulder with him, I could never really know how he’s feeling about me or what he’s thinking of. And yes it sucks to say it out loud but 7 months are long enough to know how he feels about me. Thank you Cookies! I’ll do my best! I now know what he has to offer me and it’s so little.

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I don't know about other guys, but it's not the sort of thing I bring up to my buddies. The details aren't important, it's more like "we're not together anymore" and that's about it.

 

Coming to this forum is the furthest I would go in divesting myself of the pain, and that's only because I found myself in love with a woman who's, for all intents and purposes, mentally ill, and it did a number on my psyche as well.

 

I am the same way. When my wife and I divorced and people asked it was mostly just saying it wasn't working out. Only my family really knows what happened.

 

With nut current situation I haven't told anyone I know, friends or family. I've only brought it up here and that was a hard decision for me to make.

 

I don't think there are many guys that are willing to talk to their friends about their feelings

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I'm a girl, and it's my opinion that men simply don't gab, digest, chew, dissect, psychoanalyze, or discuss the way women do. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We just do things different.

 

Who's to say he's hurt or not? Obviously his friend doesn't know. Obviously something is wrong with your boyfriend and the friend is clearly aware, especially with the key exchange. Do you think the friend was going to get the skinny out of the boyfriend? No. He's going to find out from you because women spill. You didn't, though, which is good.

 

He rarely had time for you, so I don't know that he's going to have much of a loss in your absence. He may feel a loss during those odd moments he would normally feel compelled to toss you some crumbs, but I question if he feels the loss you feel. This breakup is probably more for you than him. You needed the official split in order to move on. Returning the key is important. It's not like the key had the address printed on it; you could have trashed it, but the responsible and kind thing to do is return it, and leave no corners untrimmed.

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Cookiesandough
[...]

 

He rarely had time for you, so I don't know that he's going to have much of a loss in your absence. He may feel a loss during those odd moments he would normally feel compelled to toss you some crumbs, but I question if he feels the loss you feel. This breakup is probably more for you than him. You needed the official split in order to move on. Returning the key is important. It's not like the key had the address printed on it; you could have trashed it, but the responsible and kind thing to do is return it, and leave no corners untrimmed.

 

Oh I had no idea it was that kind of relationship...I had no context. It's so much better that you ended it if he wasn't seeing you much and only tossed you crumbs. That kind of thing will make you go crazy. I am really sorry, girl!

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I am the same way. When my wife and I divorced and people asked it was mostly just saying it wasn't working out. Only my family really knows what happened.

 

With nut current situation I haven't told anyone I know, friends or family. I've only brought it up here and that was a hard decision for me to make.

 

I don't think there are many guys that are willing to talk to their friends about their feelings

 

He actually told me this exact thing before, he was telling me how his best friend discusses his girlfriend with him like their issues and I was like oh well how is he feeling about it? And my ex said well I don’t know, we don’t talk about feelings we are still guys, it’s so unlike us.

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I'm a girl, and it's my opinion that men simply don't gab, digest, chew, dissect, psychoanalyze, or discuss the way women do. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We just do things different.

 

Who's to say he's hurt or not? Obviously his friend doesn't know. Obviously something is wrong with your boyfriend and the friend is clearly aware, especially with the key exchange. Do you think the friend was going to get the skinny out of the boyfriend? No. He's going to find out from you because women spill. You didn't, though, which is good.

 

He rarely had time for you, so I don't know that he's going to have much of a loss in your absence. He may feel a loss during those odd moments he would normally feel compelled to toss you some crumbs, but I question if he feels the loss you feel. This breakup is probably more for you than him. You needed the official split in order to move on. Returning the key is important. It's not like the key had the address printed on it; you could have trashed it, but the responsible and kind thing to do is return it, and leave no corners untrimmed.

 

I think breakups don’t hit men as fast as it hit women. I’ve seen it with another ex of mine from 3-4 years ago. I was crying non stop the first few months (it was an incredibly emotional relationship and he was really in love I think) but when we broke up he put on a poker face that I didn’t understand. He kept saying everything is fine! Then I later looked him up on YouTube (he’s a musician) and he was singing all those awful sad songs about it, a YEAR after. I knew it was about me. I had moved on completely by then.

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Oh I had no idea it was that kind of relationship...I had no context. It's so much better that you ended it if he wasn't seeing you much and only tossed you crumbs. That kind of thing will make you go crazy. I am really sorry, girl!

 

I didn’t even know it was THAT kind of relationship until recently! He was talking about how he wants a cottage wedding in winter ? like who are you!?

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Of course he is hurting too. He's not a monster. After my last breakup i told my friends and family that we're not together anymore but I didn't talk about feelings. I couldn't make sense of the reasons she gave me for breaking up, so I said that much. Except for one person no one asked me about my feelings and I didn't want to bother others either. I'd say this is normal for a vast majority of men.

 

I don't know that endless self analysis would make a break up any better. Maybe it would, I have never tried it. I don't think it would for the last breakup, particularly because I can't make sense of her reasons, so where would I even start.

 

I did hurt after my last breakup, but I also felt relief. No more mean jabs, no more nagging, no more sulking, no more unfounded accusations of cheating. I wasn't terribly upset in relation to the general climate in our relationship. I did regret that we wouldn't be doing cool trips together, or cook outs, that I'd also have to sever ties with her family. A mixed bag, as usual. Maybe she saw it as a forced break up as well, then again, she could have offered (or accepted) to work things out. But, oh well...

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Of course he is hurting too. He's not a monster. After my last breakup i told my friends and family that we're not together anymore but I didn't talk about feelings. I couldn't make sense of the reasons she gave me for breaking up, so I said that much. Except for one person no one asked me about my feelings and I didn't want to bother others either. I'd say this is normal for a vast majority of men.

 

I don't know that endless self analysis would make a break up any better. Maybe it would, I have never tried it. I don't think it would for the last breakup, particularly because I can't make sense of her reasons, so where would I even start.

 

I did hurt after my last breakup, but I also felt relief. No more mean jabs, no more nagging, no more sulking, no more unfounded accusations of cheating. I wasn't terribly upset in relation to the general climate in our relationship. I did regret that we wouldn't be doing cool trips together, or cook outs, that I'd also have to sever ties with her family. A mixed bag, as usual. Maybe she saw it as a forced break up as well, then again, she could have offered (or accepted) to work things out. But, oh well...

 

So she ended it? That’s the thing really, she shouldn’t have given you a list of reasons why she’s ending it, that’s just more confusing and dishonest and you don’t end up understanding what exactly went wrong! You only need a few clear reasons to end a relationship, in a healthy way. If such thing even exists.

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Yes, reasons are a tricky thing in break ups. Sometimes there are no reasons or you don't want to give them in order to protect your partner's feelings. So I don't even know if the BU is on me or on her or on both (probably). She probably thinks I don't care or hurt because we went and maintained no contact... Absence of evidence isn't evidence of absence (of hurt, in this case).

 

If there's BU pain most men don't shout it from the rooftops.

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Cookiesandough

I went back and read some of your posts and if he the one who said that he didn't want to hurt you and not sure he sees a future with you, ghosted you all the time and went out with his friends talking to other girls, you definitely did the right thing! He was dating you as a time filler/temporary while he kept his options open and foot out the door. People don't say stuff like that so they don't feel as guilty when they decide to leave you. It's a red flag no one should ignore.

 

Take some time to heal and start to put your feett back in the water to find the right person for you.

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Mine called his BFF moments after we broke up to tell her all the goss. He always overshared with her, that was the issue.

 

That would have really pissed me off, was there anything going on between them?

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I always had one buddy I could confide in. But that pretty much was a 30-minute affair to get it all out. Then we usually went somewhere to do something. I have however listened to perfect strangers, people I hadn't met before. I even went and had a beer with a guy I met at a mailbox, another one in the security line at an airport. The urge to talk to somebody after a break-up is definitely there, IMHO.

 

I think most men will indeed talk about it, but not to everybody or anybody.

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I always had one buddy I could confide in. But that pretty much was a 30-minute affair to get it all out. Then we usually went somewhere to do something. I have however listened to perfect strangers, people I hadn't met before. I even went and had a beer with a guy I met at a mailbox, another one in the security line at an airport. The urge to talk to somebody after a break-up is definitely there, IMHO.

 

I think most men will indeed talk about it, but not to everybody or anybody.

 

Now I’m really curious about what these men say. I think it’s easier to tell someone they never have to see again, cause it’ll be like sugar that dissolved in water, poof and no proof it ever happened!

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Now I’m really curious about what these men say. I think it’s easier to tell someone they never have to see again, cause it’ll be like sugar that dissolved in water, poof and no proof it ever happened!

 

The most common theme was a sense of loss, the sudden realization that there were no options left, and that they could no-longer act. Mixed in were anger, pain or fear, but that sense of loss and confusion was predominant.

 

And yes, I think talking to a stranger helped them, because they would not have show this weakness in front of their friends.

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Men approach breakups as a failure I think and that hurts their pride, regardless of who broke up, they feel somewhat inadequate. I remember my ex from over 3 years ago when I asked him how he was doing few weeks after our breakup (it was very mutual) and he just said gotta fake it until you make it.

 

This is the truest truth with men I think.

 

I know I’ll be just fine soon, I never thought I could make it after past breakups, but I managed to somehow and I was able to love again and again.

 

I’m really enjoying talking about it and hearing your experiences too...

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Men approach breakups as a failure I think and that hurts their pride, regardless of who broke up, they feel somewhat inadequate. I remember my ex from over 3 years ago when I asked him how he was doing few weeks after our breakup (it was very mutual) and he just said gotta fake it until you make it.

 

There is some truth to that, especially when it was me who initiated the break-up. The fact that I hurt somebody who loved me, and who didn't do anything to deserve to be broken up with, other than us not working out, always weighed heavy on my mind. In retrospect being dumped was always easier for me.

 

This is the truest truth with men I think.

[/Quote]

 

It think the other aspect is that many men don't have many good friends they are close to. The gf is the only person they share their feelings with. A certain part of their world collapses during the break-up, especially if the gf maintained a lot of their social contacts while they were a couple.

 

I know I’ll be just fine soon, I never thought I could make it after past breakups, but I managed to somehow and I was able to love again and again.

 

I’m really enjoying talking about it and hearing your experiences too...

 

Thank you. It is an interesting discussion. I also recovered much sooner than I initially thought. Even though all of my ex-gfs are still somewhat there in the back of my mind, and I sometimes wish I could their unique input on a situation or a topic.

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There is some truth to that, especially when it was me who initiated the break-up. The fact that I hurt somebody who loved me, and who didn't do anything to deserve to be broken up with, other than us not working out, always weighed heavy on my mind. In retrospect being dumped was always easier for me.

 

 

 

It think the other aspect is that many men don't have many good friends they are close to. The gf is the only person they share their feelings with. A certain part of their world collapses during the break-up, especially if the gf maintained a lot of their social contacts while they were a couple.

 

 

 

Thank you. It is an interesting discussion. I also recovered much sooner than I initially thought. Even though all of my ex-gfs are still somewhat there in the back of my mind, and I sometimes wish I could their unique input on a situation or a topic.

 

I was reading just about that today actually! That men make their gfs their HOME (due to a homone called vasopressin) and they never get that emotional or talk about feelings with anyone else, on the other hand women can discuss their feelings with anyone willing to listen, even the cab driver!

 

Oh and that last part of your post, it’s so true! Even sharing the small silly stories that no one would appreciate like your bf/gf would, you’d be dying to tell them oh guess what happened today!? But you can’t.

 

Also like you I would rather I get dumped than dump, cause if I dump I could never be a 100% sure that was the right decision or not, but if they dump me then they don’t love me, and that’s the right decision then.

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