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I lost my best friend because of his girlfriend


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Old 5th October 2017, 2:01 AM   #1
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Unhappy I lost my best friend because of his girlfriend

Hi everyone,
I am having a difficult time understanding a very good friend ofmine and hope you can help me out I apologize in advance for this massivechunk of text.... Felt I had to be detailed so that you get the big picture.

Before I start, here are the basics: I am a girl and my friend isa guy. We've known each other for almost 8-9 years. We are part of the samegroup of friends and have always been friendly. There was never any kind of'sexual' tension or what not. Without wanting to sound mean, I loved my friendas a friend but knew him well enough to know that this is not at all the kindof guy I would like to be in a relationship is. Of course I don't mean it in a mean way, we just don't have compatiblepersonalities when it comes to dating. He was more for me my best friend, theone who probably would have been a best man at my wedding. This kind of levelof friendship.

My group of friend is composed of only guys and I was for a longtime the only girl (until my friends started bringing in their girlfriends in).We have never had any issue and all went well.... I get along very well withall of my friends’ girlfriends.

Until 3 years ago were my friend started dating this girl. I liveabroad so don’t see my friend very often, but I started to notice that everytime I saw him he was more and more distant. Never going out if I was around,just staying a bit and then leaving not too late. Thinking I was imaginingthings, I asked some of my other friends what they thought and they agreed theyhad also noticed it.
1 year later, he is still with his girlfriend and barely speaks tome anymore (and we were not talking that much… he or I would call once everycouple of months to grab news, like we do with most of our friends). This iswhen I learned from various friends of our group that apparently his girlfriendwas ‘jealous’ of me and that because of this my friend was avoiding me. Forsome reason I was the ‘source’ of a lot of fights every time he would go to anevent with our group and I was there. She even told him that she would break upif he continued hanging out with me… All of this after already dating him formore than 1 year!



I got quite mad at my friend because of the following reasons:
  • He never went to explain all of this to me. He juststopped talking to me without any explanation. He had no issue to tell this toeveryone in my group except me.
  • He dropped a friendship of 8y for this girl. Iunderstand that as I was at the time the only girl in the group, she could havefelt threatened. But I would also assume that after more than 1y ofrelationship those types of insecurities should have disappeared… If not whatkind of a relationship is this?
I confronted my friend to tell him that I was not ok with what hehad done. That the least he could have done was to give me a heads up. Hedismissed it as being a miscommunication and went on.

He has not spoken to me in 3 years now. He recently told all ourcircle of friends that he is getting married. I learned it from one of ourclose common friends who thought it would be better if I knew and didn’t learnabout this 6 months later from a random conversation. All my friends have beenquite pragmatic and have been telling him that what he was doing with me waswrong. My friend sells this as a ‘sacrifice’ which happens in relationships,while everyone else tries to make him understand that indeed some sacrificesshould be done in a relationship, but never ones like what he is doing. This isjust pure unhealthiness. They’re all quite shocked that he did not even botherto tell me about his wedding (needless to say I’m not invited also but this Iwas expecting).

We had a couple of weeks ago an event with all of our friends (sohe was there too, his now fiancée did not come). During this event he had noissue to tell my boyfriend (whom he saw maybe 3-4 times in his life) about hisengagement, his wedding plans and his future plans with his fiancée (on wherethey would move, when they would like to have children, etc.).

Here comes the part that I don’t understand. I’ve made my peace onhim ditching me for his jealous manipulative girlfriend. I’ve made my peaceknowing that my best friend is no more. What I can’t wrap my head around is,why would you go and babble about your private life to someone you barely know?Especially when this someone is the boyfriend of the girl you so easily stoppedtalking to because your girlfriend hates her?
I mean what’s the rationale behind this? Is there one?

Any thought?

Thanks for taking the time to read! J


Cheers
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:16 AM   #2
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Some people end up in relationships with another person who is controlling and jealous, a lot of the time without any cause to be.

They don't want to confront this side of their partner being irrational. It is weak on their part and if you were gone forever from their lives she would find someone else that was an issue for her to be jealous of.

Some people can't get their head around the idea of platonic friends of opposing sexes, go figure. I've been on the flipside of this where my best female friend used to have a lot of fights with her ex about me. I did nothing during this time to warrant this, and he was actually my friend before knowing her.

It sucks to get stuck in the middle of this, but he has come to associate you with drama and arguing from his partner if he engages with you. It is in no way your fault and you are better off without him in your life. If he can't see that what has happened is not cool and have the strength of character to resolve it then it is his loss.

Your partner is not you, so he doesn't make that association of issue he would have with giving you the same information. It is silly logic.

Don't get hung up on it, just see it as ridiculous behaviour and move on.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:27 AM   #3
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Some people can't handle it when their SOs have opposite sex friends. When your friend's GF, now FI, made him chose, he picked up. She was more important to him then you. That sucks but it's the reality. They are now getting married. You need to accept that you will probably never have a meaningful interaction with him again so you'd best forget him.

Even if you had been thick as thieves, relationships change things. I had a few great guy buddies in my life. We did a lot together. Once they got serious with their GFs, now wives, I'm lucky if I see them 1-2x per year. It's not just opposite sex friends. I have a dear female friend with an active pre-teen son. I see her about 1-2x per year because her focus his on him, taking him to scouts, sports etc. She doesn't have time for me. I'll get her back in about a decade when he goes off to college.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:37 PM   #4
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Hi, I read through your whole post and I am so sorry you are going through this. I had something similiar happen to me, and it just plain hurts. The only rational I can think of, is that he wants to come across to your bf as a man who has his life all together and is living the dream. What I found out with the guy who I had a similiar situation with, was that he had secret feelings for me and blamed our friendship breaking apart on his now wife. I didn’t have a bf at the time, but he called up my sister and told her all of his life plans etc. I know you had said that nothing would ever come of you two together, but maybe his feelings changed, and he knew you would never want to be together that way. His fiancée, may have seen that and felt threatened. I could be reading more into it, but in any case it just is a really horrible situation to be in. Just try and treasure the memories that you have with him, and let him go, its all we can do.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:09 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Even if you had been thick as thieves, relationships change things. I had a few great guy buddies in my life. We did a lot together. Once they got serious with their GFs, now wives, I'm lucky if I see them 1-2x per year. It's not just opposite sex friends. I have a dear female friend with an active pre-teen son. I see her about 1-2x per year because her focus his on him, taking him to scouts, sports etc. She doesn't have time for me. I'll get her back in about a decade when he goes off to college.
Friendship is very fragile. I made some friends in the past. I only talk to a couple now.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:57 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by PeanutButter88 View Post
What I can’t wrap my head around is,why would you go and babble about your private life to someone you barely know?Especially when this someone is the boyfriend of the girl you so easily stoppedtalking to because your girlfriend hates her?
I mean, they weren't super personal, private details he was telling your boyfriend. It sounds like it was just sort of small talk. There's no problem with your boyfriend. The problem, unfortunately, is with you.

Try not to give it much thought. Even if there was some sort of rationale behind him telling your boyfriend these things, it doesn't matter because he's not your friend anymore.
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Old 6th October 2017, 5:05 AM   #7
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Sorry to hear you are going through this.


You may have seen my recent thread about my boyfriend his close emotional connections with female friends (that were troubling to me). Although it has stopped now, my boyfriend was talking to his friends every day and in a way that was almost indiscernible from our interactions.


But I also been the female friend that only saw her male friend once or twice a year and yet was cut off completely. At first I thought the girl was crazy and insecure, but I later discovered that he was harbouring secret feelings for me and talked about me all the time to his girlfriend. Is it possible that this is what is happening here?


Lastly I am moving into a different phase of my life now where I am looking to get married and settle down in the 3-5 years. Because of this my perspective has changed. I don't hang out with/confide in my male friends to the extent I used to. I want to my boyfriend's main confidante though I know he will still seek advice from others.


As we move through adolescence -> early twenties -> finding a long-term partner boundaries change between opposite sex friendships. In your case I am sorry that your friend hasn't valued your friendship enough to make sure he could keep it and keep his wife happy. Good friends are important too.


He probably found it easier to talk to your boyfriend about his life BECAUSE he barely knows him. To do it with you would be painful - and yet...it seems as though he misses you and wants you to know these things. You will get through this but possibly always miss the friendship in some small way.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:05 AM   #8
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Sorry about your losing your friend. I’ve had similar experiences, and it’s very disheartening. In one case the insecure GF portrayed my friendship with her BF as an “emotional affair” and ramped up the threat level to a whole new dimension. He has since married her, and I hope they’re happy but if she’s that insecure perhaps even that wouldn’t be enough.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:29 AM   #9
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To prevent this from happening in the future make your next best friend a female.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:21 AM   #10
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Opposite sex friendships with boundaries are okay. However, once one is committed, their best friend should be their partner, not someone else of the opposite sex. Honestly, for 99% of mainstream population, that is a no-brainer.

That said, it sounds like she is going past the "have some boundaries" stage and into the "you may not talk to a female except me" stage.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:59 AM   #11
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I'm a woman...my oldest dude friends and their wives/gf's know that I am *only* a friend because I don't get upset if they don't call/hang out with me for indefinite periods of time.

Agree with another poster who wrote that the same happens with my oldest female friends.
Friends who stand the test of time and SO's are the one's who allow for an ebb/flow....life happens.

Being upset about someone chilling for a while is indicative of possessiveness...which an SO may interpret as competitive. Relax.
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:31 PM   #12
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I hate it when people abandon their friends when they get a gf or bf. I just think it sucks people don't care who they're hanging with as long as it's a warm body. It's insulting. But a LOT of people are like that. I've certainly lost friends that way and even worse with women because a lot of times it's because the man is controlling and feels threatened by friends and makes her life miserable if she goes with friends and so it's just not worth it. Instead of dumping the guy I guess they're desperate enough to sacrifice everything that way.

Not sure why your friend is like this, but also keep in mind that if he ever had any romantic interest in you, and guys rarely stick around long if they don't, then if she gleans that, she is justified (as a guy would be) in not wanting someone he may carry a torch for around.

Anyway, it shows their character and if they don't care any more than that, they weren't a very good friend. So you probably just need to let him go and let him have the consequences of him doing this to you by not letting him back in once she dumps him down the road.
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Old 14th October 2017, 10:08 AM   #13
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Anyone who is in an opposite sex friendship has to realise that the friendship may not survive either one getting coupled up.
All very well stating BFF, but life gets in the way and few adults will tolerate opposite sex friends for long.
Most want to be in a couple, a partnership, they do not want to be in triangle with some man or woman, who will always take away from the core relationship in some way.
Hard enough being in a relationship, without having to put up with a BFF getting in the way too.
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Old 17th October 2017, 2:33 AM   #14
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Anyone who is in an opposite sex friendship has to realise that the friendship may not survive either one getting coupled up.
All very well stating BFF, but life gets in the way and few adults will tolerate opposite sex friends for long.
Most want to be in a couple, a partnership, they do not want to be in triangle with some man or woman, who will always take away from the core relationship in some way.
Hard enough being in a relationship, without having to put up with a BFF getting in the way too.
I know plenty of people where it's not a problem at all. Sadly since most people aren't in healthy relationships to begin with they think this kind of behavior is what makes it work. If someone wants to cheat on you, they will do it regardless if you tell them not to hang with then or not. In fact, I wouldnt be at all surlrised if controlling who their partner can or cannot hang out with is what causes the infidelity in the first place. But hey what do I know? I'm just another ******* on the internet with a full of **** opinion.
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Last edited by ZayKayWill; 17th October 2017 at 2:45 AM..
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Old 17th October 2017, 5:34 AM   #15
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My close friend stopped talking to me when he met his gf because she was insanely possessive and jealous. After a long period of no contact I called him and left a friendly message; his gf rang me back at 2am and screamed abuse and profanity down the phone, and told me never to contact him again. He subsequently married her and I haven't seen him since. That was 20 years ago and I still sometimes wonder how he's doing. It would have been nice to stay in touch because we had been friends literally from the age of two, but I guess he made his decision. I later found out that this woman was so possessive she had even stopped him seeing his own mother.

It is unhealthy for a partner to be so possessive but if the person is willing to allow that behavior there's nothing anyone else can do. It sounds like your friend just made polite smalltalk with your bf. Maybe he was hoping he'd tell you so you could see he's moved on. Who knows? What's clear is that he no longer wants to be your friend - it's very sad but unfortunately you have to suck it up and move on.
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