Attracting the wrong type of guy?

[Tigerjules]

Hello again everyone. I don't really know where to start, but I'll try to explain as best as I can. I'm a very friendly, big hearted type of person, and I always seem to get puppy dog followers, for lack of a better term. I have never been in a relationship before, and I'd really like to see what it's all about. I love people, and like I said, I'm friendly to just about everyone, but I can never seem to have someone interested in me that I reciprocate feelings for. It always seems to be guys with no backbone.

 

I'm not digging on shy guys or anything, but when magically everything they like is the same as what I like, it drives me crazy. I'm trying to find someone who is their own person, but still appreciates me for all my little quirks and things.

 

For example, I went to eat dinner the other day at the campus cafeteria, and started chatting with this guy as we waited for the doors to open. For me, it was just a way to pass the time. He asked for my number and I was too nice to say no. (I know better now) He basically hung around and waited until I sat down and then sat across from me. (Creepy much?) Anyway, he kept asking me questions about what I like to do and blah blah blah. No big deal. He mentions he likes football. I mention I'm not into watching sports all that much. All the sudden, he's not big on sports either. (What?) First red flag. Then, he asks me about music, and since I have a very broad taste in music, I just start random firing things off. 80's music, dubstep, classical, alt rock, pop, artists like Imagine Dragons and From Indian Lakes and No Longer Music and Petra. In fact, I have such a broad taste in music that it's pretty much impossible for anyone to have the same across the board. But poof. Magically, those were all his favorite bands too! He couldn't even name songs or anything. He texted me incessantly for days until I flat out asked him to stop. Nicely, of course.

 

Needless to say, I was not interested in this guy, or any of the many others like him that I seem to attract. I'd rather date someone who's his own person and has a solid backbone. It's not necessary to like all the same things. Yet, this type of guy is never interested. I'm not stick thin or drop dead gorgeous or anything by far, but I wouldn't consider myself super fat or ugly or anything either. I am a little overweight (I'm pretty sure it's genetic. I'm Dutch, so my family is pretty solid. I have DD breasts and am a size 12-14, though I still wear size 16 because I've lost some weight recently), but not for lack of trying. I hike, I play sports, I rock climb, and I normally eat pretty healthy, except for skipping meals when I get busy or stressed. (I'm gluten intolerant, so yay salads) I don't wear a ton of makeup, and I'm normally dressed pretty average in a t-shirt and jeans. But as someone who appreciates people for who they are, I don't want to change me for the sole purpose of getting a BF. I've been told in the past that I'm just too nice (attracting the wrong people), or that I'm intimidating. (Also what?) I get good grades, and I'm fairly intelligent, but I'm really hard on myself. So what I see as an ok grade, a lot of others see as a high grade and they think I'm judging them for their low grade, I guess. Some people see it as me always trying to one up them, when I'm honestly just answering a question or sharing an experience.

 

The only other thing that I can think of as being a red flag for them is the fact that I kinda have a lot of problems. I have allergies like nobody's business, I have a low self esteem, I'm always on edge, and I'm kinda a prude because that's how I've been taught. (Old habits die hard) Either way, I am managing all of these by myself, (except for the on edge thing, I'm not sure what to do about that) and I don't believe it would cause a problem in the type of relationship I want.

 

The other thing is, I have literally no experience in dating. I'm darn near as innocent as people can be these days. I can't tell when someone is interested or not, I don't know how to show someone I'm interested, nothing. I just have no idea where to start. So to sum up my actual question, is there a way to show the type of guy that I'm interested in that I AM interested without changing me? Also, where do I draw the line for being nice? I don't want to lead anyone on, or end up changing my personality or my outlook on things because I've had too many negative experiences or anything. Any advice is appreciated! Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

In school everybody is trying to figure out who they are. Sometimes that includes "sampling" other people's ideas, likes & dislikes.

 

If all the guys you meet are like this boy, you may have to cut them a bit more of a break. This boy did nothing except clumsily express interest in you. That is not a bad thing. He was brave enough to sit with you & try to establish a connection. It's not easy to generate a conversation out of thin air. Him waffling on his likes / dislikes was more a young guy's desire not to be rejected for something trivial. Her pursued you. He showed interest. He didn't keep you wondering if he liked you. He risked & he put it out there for you to shoot him down. Did you really not understand that was what he was doing -- trying to curry favor with you?

 

If you don't like him, you don't like him. But I think you will be better served if you are kinder to & more accepting of the guys you meet.

 

You express interest by smiling, making eye contact, and engaging in conversation. You ratchet that up by subtly touching his arm when you speak.

[stillafool]

It isn't easy for everyone to attract the person they want in their life. Just like this guy tried to get to know you but you shot him down. The more outgoing, popular guys have many options and more than likely will go for girls that are like them. At any rate if you are around a guy you like and you guys make eye contact just give them an inviting smile. Mostly just continue to be yourself as that is the best way to attract someone who really wants you.

[CptInsano]

When I was in college the nice, quiet and somewhat shy girls attracted the biggest creeps, almost like it was a law of nature. The outgoing, loud and assertive girls did not, especially if they were physically attractive.

 

I think the guys pick up on your inexperience and low self-esteem. You were perfectly right that you let him overstep your boundaries when you gave him your number. As you said, you were too nice to say no. That is largely the issue.

[Tigerjules]

Just like this guy tried to get to know you but you shot him down.

I wasn't cruel about it, and I tried to make it abundantly clear that I wasn't interested in the nicest way I could think of. The number thing was obviously a mistake, but he wasn't getting the hint. I know it's hard to tell from just a random post on the internet, but because of my tendency towards low self esteem, I am overly sensitive to others in the same boat. However, I'm not going to date someone solely because I feel sorry for them. There was also a little more going on. He was trying to force me to be interested. "Are there any questions you want to ask me?" "Are you sure?" I'm sorry, but if you don't get that I really don't want to start asking you personal questions after the fifth or sixth time you tell me to ask you a question, then that is your issue, not mine. I don't know how to describe it, but there are some people that I meet that just rub me the wrong way, and he was one of them. In order to better illustrate my point, I'm going to give you a list, and I hope you won't judge me too harshly for it. Of the guys that have been interested in me: Two had major depression and both admitted that the main reason they were interested was because I texted them every once in a while to make sure they hadn't killed themselves. One was on a school team with me and literally followed me around everywhere, then got berserker angry when I asked him to stop. Another wouldn't stop interrupting me when I was having a wonderful conversation about books with someone else to show me My Little Pony videos of things blowing up. Like 10+ times. The only other guy that has ever shown interest in me, I pushed away because I was scared. That one was entirely my fault, and it is a mistake I hope to never repeat. Maybe you think I'm cruel for judging people based on these things, but I'm a strong believer in the fact that people don't change for other people. If there's something that they do that drives me insane the VERY FIRST TIME I meet them, then I am not interested. It has very little to do with me "shooting them down" and more to do with me looking for someone compatible for a longer term than today's dating scene seems to care for. Sorry for the monologue, but I hope it helps you understand me a little better.

[d0nnivain]

So take the boys out of the equation. What are you doing to improve your self esteem? College is time to reinvent yourself. Sometimes that is easier to do outside of mom & dad's shadow

[Tigerjules]

Like I said, self esteem is something I'm managing. I'm going out more often without makeup on, and now I wear it for fun, if at all. I'm working on being more confident and asking for help when I need it. (I've always been that person that tries to do it all themselves, and ends up losing control or burning out) I'm getting out and doing things I never thought I could try or would be good at, and I'm learning how to be better. These things seem so small in the long run, but I am super proud of myself for where I'm at. I'm terrified of heights, and now one of my hobbies is rock climbing. I've only made it about halfway up the top rope wall, but each time I climb it, I go one hole farther. I am now a requested player in Ultimate Frisbee, even though I'm one of the newest players. I've never had a lot of upper body strength, and the rock climbing is helping that tremendously. I'm proud of myself for how far I've come, and even though I still sometimes look in the mirror and see myself lacking, more and more often, I'm looking in the mirror and remembering where I was at a year ago, or six months ago, or even two months ago, and I get this sense of pride. So take the guys out of the equation, and I'm the best me I've ever been, and I know every day I'm doing something to be a little better. Does that answer your question?

[d0nnivain]

It's not about answering my Q. It's about getting you to a place where you like yourself. When you do that, you will attract better guys.