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How do I bring this concern to my girlfriend?


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Old 28th September 2017, 3:12 PM   #1
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How do I bring this concern to my girlfriend?

She works full time, is planning an overseas adoption and wants to go back to school. She's currently an RN and wants to study to be a Nurse Practitioner. I support her 100 percent, but realistically, how can we continue to have a relationship with everything that will be on her plate. Obviously, her life and our relationship will change radically, but she seems naive to all of it. What do you guys think? Are my concerns valid? How do I bring this up with her?
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Old 28th September 2017, 4:55 PM   #2
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Well, you haven't been very specific about your concerns yet. How much do you know about the process, and how it will affect the two of you?

If you're just worried in general, you need to do your research first.

So far you've just said that your life will "change radically" but I don't know if you're just thinking that having a kid is hard, or if you are actually aware of all the steps and time and money that will be required in order to go through with an overseas adoption. How much has SHE researched it, for that matter? There are some very dodgy industries in some countries feeding off wealthy-but-clueless foreigners who want to do good.
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Old 28th September 2017, 5:02 PM   #3
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You raised the same concerns here Woman I am dating wants to adopt overseas as a single mom and got some good responses.

What thoughts have you had since then?
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Old 28th September 2017, 5:53 PM   #4
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The last thing your girlfriend needs is a boyfriend.

When you say you are supporting her 100% does that mean financially as well?

Let her live her life as she sees fit, she'll figure out soon it will hurt your relationship. If it's important to her she'll adjust to save it, if not then you leave.

In your last thread you spoke of her wanting to adopt. I think your gf is disconnected from reality. International adoption is expensive and take years. I have a friend who,s pretty wealthy so money and lawyers were not an obstacle. She gave up after 5 years trying and many trips to the Asian continent.
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Old 28th September 2017, 5:58 PM   #5
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unless you want to play Dad, leave her

or add up the number of hours the child will need, from when they wake up to bed time, and also add up the cost, write it all down and show her your calculations

see what she says to that
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:03 PM   #6
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Either she is not bothered about having a boyfriend or she wants a boyfriend who shares her dreams and will work with her to achieve them. I guess you need to think about whether you are prepared to make sacrifices to do that.

I think it would fair to say to her something along the lines of "All these things sound wonderful and important but will you have time for a relationship too?" Listen to her reply and it will give you an idea of whether she is planning to find time for you too or just expects you to fit round everything else. It is usual to expect a serious partner to fit around you as you would fit around them.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 11:11 PM   #7
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Keep communicating with her, let her know about your concerns and fears. Make sure you both are on the same page regarding your relationship, expectations, and future goals. Nothing works without appropriate communication…it sounds daunting, a lot of responsibility…you mention supporting her 100% but are you clear on your role, how you fit in? Ask, tell her you’d like to talk, make her a nice intimate dinner at home so there are no extraneous distractions and talk; get it all out and find out. Anxiety, being unsure, all of it is a product of not knowing all the facts. Don’t accuse her or tell her she’s being na´ve, just tell her you’re unsure about all of the changes and how they’ll impact your lives. What does she expect of you, your relationship, the future, etc.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:34 PM   #8
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:02 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lobouspo View Post
She works full time, is planning an overseas adoption and wants to go back to school. She's currently an RN and wants to study to be a Nurse Practitioner. I support her 100 percent, but realistically, how can we continue to have a relationship with everything that will be on her plate. Obviously, her life and our relationship will change radically, but she seems naive to all of it. What do you guys think? Are my concerns valid? How do I bring this up with her?
You tell her that you think she is biting off more than she can chew and that you don't want to be a second set of teeth . . .
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:16 PM   #10
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If this is really her dream, then I would encourage her to pursue it...

BUT, when an individual is in a serious relationship, MY dreams have a way of changing to become OUR dreams... Meaning, if she is serious about your relationship, she should be concerned with your thoughts about the future and your feelings about her plans. If she is not considering what you think and how you envision your future TOGETHER... Well, that's a big red flag that she's not very serious about the relationship or willing to compromise in the future.
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