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Can coming from a broken home contribute to someone becoming a WS?


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Old 24th September 2017, 3:38 PM   #16
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From my self-reported anecdotes over the decades, only one MW reported being from what she described as a healthy home life by the OP's standards. However, she had, not by parental example, her own battle with the bottle which she ultimately lost at a young age, under 50. After nearly 20 years, apparently her H had tired of the behaviors, and especially the boozing, and they divorced. She died a few years later.

IMO, as we're all individuals, it's an individual thing. Nature and nurture may play some role, sure, but it comes down to the individual.

Myself, any proclivities I may have had came from immersion in it as an adult. Without that peer experience, based solely on nature (genetics) and nurture (parenting and parental example), infidelity was an anathema. My goal was one and done like my parents. Shocker once out there in the real world. Oh, my.
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Old 24th September 2017, 5:15 PM   #17
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I'm just asking if it's significantly more likely for a spouse from a divorced family to get divorced themselves vs spouse who didn't. Also wondering how much infidelity of parents impacts child's behavior when married. Also abuse, neglect..

I don't see what's wrong with wondering about these things.. I have noticed a pattern for some time now just in my circle and from reading survingInfidelity boards There is a long thread by BS talking about family of origin that does hint to strong correlation. There are also these http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/stepfamily.asp
Adults who both come from divorced families are 200% more likely to divorce themselves
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These are just those who report their infidelities

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Old 24th September 2017, 6:28 PM   #18
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Oh, and I want to say is the other part that was cut out was that my title was awful. You should never say "all"!So sorry about that and sorry if I offended anyone . Everyone is an individual. Just wondering others@ experiences. Thank you
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Old 24th September 2017, 8:13 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Oh, and I want to say is the other part that was cut out was that my title was awful. You should never say "all"!So sorry about that and sorry if I offended anyone . Everyone is an individual. Just wondering others@ experiences. Thank you
Moderators note that I took the liberty of clarifying the title after reading this post. ~T
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Old 25th September 2017, 1:48 AM   #20
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lt is def' a huge thing and part in WS, not all of it but a huge part. Doesn't mean if we are from a broken family or bad child hood we'll take off but it is def' a huge part of many.
Found out about all that in the divorce forum l was in.
Nearly every WS in there and there were 1,000s , did come from a broken childhood , divorced parents and all kinds of stuff like that.
Make of that what you like but it was def' a huge thing.
They also specialized in MLC in that forum too and nearly all the spouses male or female that MLC'd in their late 30s to 50s , also nearly all came from troubled childhoods or divorced families.

lt's a no brainer , we're meant to be raised in a happy solid family unit. That's just the natural foundation and preparation for a kid and for adulthood.
Still doesn't mean we don't go wrong later but it's the best start we can have.
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Old 25th September 2017, 5:29 AM   #21
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I'm just asking if it's significantly more likely for a spouse from a divorced family to get divorced themselves vs spouse who didn't.
My siblings and I are all D (though I have since remarried). Our parents “stayed together for the kids” but split immediately the youngest had left home. Interestingly, two of us had already D by then. So I’d say D or not, but also whether or not they _should_. It benefits no one to “stay together for the kids”. Either you have a good M, a good family life and provide a good loving home for kids, or you separate and each provide a good loving home for kids, separately. Bring up kids in a do,estic war zone is infinitely worse than D, IME.
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Old 25th September 2017, 5:32 AM   #22
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You can follow whatever rules you want. It's your perogative and your life.

Personally, I'd date a divorced man, or a man from a broken home, but not a WS.
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Old 25th September 2017, 8:04 AM   #23
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How many people can you find who don't have some form of sadness in their childhoods, though? And just as we talk about people rewriting history to make their marriages bad and forget the good, people in some sad circumstances will look back at their pasts and pick out the bad parts that might have somehow led them to where they are. You need a very broad statistical sample and rigorous sampling tools to get accurate data.

Also, being more likely to get divorced is a different question than being more likely to cheat. I believe there is solid data showing that kids from divorced families are more likely to divorce, but that does not necessarily mean that they cheat and it does not necessarily mean that those divorces are bad. Knowing that divorce is possible could make it easier to get out of a bad marriage that you need to get out of, where being raised to believe that divorce is always 100% wrong could make people feel more trapped in terrible marriages that they really ought to leave.


As for personal anecdotes and not meaningful data:

My parents divorced, it sucked, and it meant I grew up being afraid to get married because I don't want to be disappointed or to disappoint anyone else. But there was no abuse, no alcoholism, no misery, no neglect, I think we were pretty normal. I'm still a little bitter about it all and kind of estranged from the parent who left.

My MM's parents divorced, and it meant he grew up afraid to ever end a relationship, because he doesn't want to abandon anyone so he's always the one who gets dumped, over and over again. Again, no abuse or alcoholism or neglect. And he's very conciliatory towards the parent who left.

We have similar circumstances but our reactions to them are very different.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:02 AM   #24
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...doesn't come from long married 2 parent home with no infidelity. I feel like just by doing that, I'll have already divorced and cheat proofed my marriage by 90% .
In that case I'm the 10%. My WW's parents have been happily married for nearly 50 years, yet she cheated on me.

I would look more towards FOO issues instead of marital status alone. My parent's have been married for 50+ years, yet looking back their model of marriage was not helpful.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:15 AM   #25
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My parents divorced early in my life. Infidelity was not the cause, but it wouldn't shock me if there had been some. I've never cheated, or even come close.

If anything, my parents have been good guideposts on what I do and don't want to be.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:23 AM   #26
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As much as we would like there to be, there is NO absolute genetic, environmental, social, or relational predictor of infidelity or infidelity. There's just not.
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Old 25th September 2017, 11:31 AM   #27
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Personally I think you'd be really limiting your dating pool sticking to only those who had a 2 parent family their whole life. Well unless you are dating mostly guys who grew up in other parts of the world.
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Old 26th September 2017, 3:49 AM   #28
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My parents married 56yrs before we lost em.
but it was no picnic through a lot of that and they went full circle by their 80s.
Strange though , l just remembered ,when l was 16 and they were so miserable around then, l wanted them to get a divorce so that they might be happy.
But , a zillion yrs later and they were doting on each other again, just goes to show , they don't makem like they use to right,

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Old 26th September 2017, 4:31 AM   #29
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Life is filled with Patterns. We just have to find them. My parents have been Married for 48 yrs this November.

I think my parents are sort of conflict avoidant when it comes to their marriage. They don't want to start over. So at 77 they both will die out on each other, over getting divorced.
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Old 27th September 2017, 8:53 PM   #30
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Broken home here. Lots of infidelity on both sides.

And yes I have cheated. Now I usually try hard to never point fingers. It's not my parents fault, it's not my husbands fault.

But if he hadn't cheated first (his parents were married till death, but it was an abusive home) I don't know if I would have ever crossed that line - 14 years faithful, and I remember thinking, well if I took him back, I expect the same.

My older siblings had an even tougher childhood, my mom was married and divorced 4 times before my dad came along.

And my brother just celebrated his 25 year anniversary (no infidelity) and my sister has been married for 20.

For every trend there is an outlier.
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