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Can coming from a broken home contribute to someone becoming a WS?


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Old 23rd September 2017, 8:53 PM   #1
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Can coming from a broken home contribute to someone becoming a WS?

When I say broken home, not just divorced at a young age (but definitely this) but also neglect or abuse. Or the parent cheated but they stayed married? I'm also not talking about revenge affairs.

I wish this wasn't the case, but it's almost becoming a rule for me to not get too involved or marry a guy doesn't come from long married 2 parent home with no infidelity. I feel like just by doing that, I'll have already divorced and cheat proofed my marriage by 90% .

I hate being so judgmental but it seems people who grow up under these conditions are very likely to have affairs. Just from reading about it and taking surveys. You'd think because the pain it caused they wouldn't do it.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 23rd September 2017 at 8:56 PM..
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:02 PM   #2
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No...my parents have been married for 40 years & there's no divorce in my huge family but a lot of WS's.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:05 PM   #3
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No...my parents have been married for 40 years & there's no divorce in my huge family but a lot of WS's.
Thank you.
Sorry I wasn't clear by what I meant by broken homes. Intact families with abuse or infidelity too i count as "broken" though that's technically wrong...

It seems to run in families. Like it's almost impossible to find a guy with a dad who cheated on his mother that doesn't cheat in his ltr. You'd think it'd be opposite with the pain it caused but it's like every single one ends up following parents footsteps
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:08 PM   #4
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No. While I agree that there is a lot of learned behavior, life isn't so black and white. I think your little rule will do more to limit you than it will to protect you.

Relationships are a gamble, a huge one. I don't think that any rule like this one you suggested is really going to have much of an effect on this sort of thing. I would be more concerned with the individual I was with than I was with their parents. Not everyone is a carbon copy of their parents.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:10 PM   #5
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My parents were divorced when I was about 6-7, my Dad was a serial cheater and the divorce was the result of having a child out of the marriage.

He cheated on my Step Mom and even cheated on his mistresses...

But.....

I would never cheat, been married over 10 years and this is my second marriage too.. my first marriage was 5 years and ended for other reasons than infidelity.

My wife also comes form a divorced broken home, she is built like me.

BTW, watching my Dad treat my Mom and Step Mom as well as watching how it affected all 5 of my siblings and myself is the reason I would never cheat, so coming from a home of infidelity has made me cheat proof.

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule.. my Grandparents were married close to 70 years and both of their children were divorced and one of those was from them committing infidelity.



I think if you eliminate guys who have divorced parents you will shrink your dating pool to almost non existent.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:21 PM   #6
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Thanks, guys. I guess the myth has been busted!!! Very glad to hear that

Now I wonder if being from a divorced family makes people perhaps more likely to divorce especially if both partners are. Not saying that divorce is always a bad thing at all

But I suppose enigma 32 is correct. People can't be pigeonholed that way
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Old 23rd September 2017, 10:50 PM   #7
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I think that would be OK thinking. I’m sure you’re well aware, but nothing could be a guarantee from such unfortunate situation as infidelity. Some people are just broken messes. Coming from good homes and good upbringings.

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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:07 PM   #8
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No. My childhood was the stuff nightmares are made of and I have never cheated in my life.
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Old 24th September 2017, 1:34 AM   #9
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Wish I knew what WS means. So many assume that we all know the abbreviations used. I don't.
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Old 24th September 2017, 2:00 AM   #10
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No not all wayward spouses come from broken homes.

My ex-wife cheated on me yet she didn't come from a broken home. In fact she grew up in a comfortable middle class environment in an intact family with almost all of her wants satiated.

Being from a divorced family in itself, does not make someone more likely to divorce.

I got divorced following ending my marital relationship with my ex-wife following her infidelity, yet my parents have been married (never divorced) for close to 50 years.

One of my 1st cousins has been married for circa 20 years thus far, and has never been divorced. Yet his parents got divorced when he was a child.

Sometimes divorce is a great thing, maintaining a toxic or indifferent marital relationship does not lend itself to happy families either.

To date I have been married to my 2nd wife for 18+ years, through being together for 21+ years.

Yet we are together because we want to be together and enjoy each other. If we didn't like being together and didn't enjoy each other, the best thing we could do is to end our marital relationship.

In my experience the worst relationships are the ones that require hard work to maintain. While the best ones are the ones that feel like they don't need any work at all to maintain.
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Old 24th September 2017, 6:00 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
I hate being so judgmental but it seems people who grow up under these conditions are very likely to have affairs.
I think my H’s parents’ D definitely played a role. His parents split when he was about 5, and as the only child at the time, he felt it very keenly. Decades later, when his (nowX)W left him for her OM, his own kids were devastated (though perhaps more because of how it happened - she physically attacked him in front of them, then just walked out and they didn’t know where she’d gone, when she’d be back, etc.). Although he personally was happier than he’d been for decades during the split, his kids struggled because they saw how poorly she was coping (her OM dumped her) and when she begged him to take her back, he felt he had to, for the kids. He remembered his own unhappiness from his parents’ split, and didn’t want to do that to them, in turn.

So, when she broke all the promises and conditions of his taking her back, he didn’t feel he could throw her out, because of the trauma experience by the kids during the split. So he reigned himself to staying “until the kids were old enough” to face another split. Of course things got much much worse, and he became vulnerable to having an A, convinced he couldn’t leave the M because he didn’t want to inflict further trauma on the kids.

Without his parents’ D, he’d probably have had a healthier approach, and would have handled the first split (with xW) better, getting the kids and himself into counselling immediately, filing for D and removing her from his life as far as possible. With sufficient support, the kids would have gotten over it, and he wouldnt have had to carry that burden of guilt for not wanting to take the xW back when her R with OM imploded. He’d have had no need of an A, as he’d have been single, and could date (or not) as he wanted. Of course he sees all of that now, having had counselling in the meantime, as do the kids. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
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Old 24th September 2017, 7:33 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
When I say broken home, not just divorced at a young age (but definitely this) but also neglect or abuse. Or the parent cheated but they stayed married? I'm also not talking about revenge affairs.

I wish this wasn't the case, but it's almost becoming a rule for me to not get too involved or marry a guy doesn't come from long married 2 parent home with no infidelity. I feel like just by doing that, I'll have already divorced and cheat proofed my marriage by 90% .

I hate being so judgmental but it seems people who grow up under these conditions are very likely to have affairs. Just from reading about it and taking surveys. You'd think because the pain it caused they wouldn't do it.
Don't worry cookie l look for the same in women, most guys with any sense would.
As far as any divorce part though , 40s somewhere, she's probably gonna be divorced even if her parents are together so then l'd wanna know why and def' if she's ever screwed around too.
And l'd def delve deeper if she gave me the oh , he was abusive line too bc too many women use that these days , too easy.

Last edited by Chilli; 24th September 2017 at 7:39 AM..
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Old 24th September 2017, 9:22 AM   #13
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What's a WS ?
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Old 24th September 2017, 9:31 AM   #14
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Quote:
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What's a WS ?
Wandering/wayward spouse.
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Old 24th September 2017, 3:07 PM   #15
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No. My AP and I (both WS) have parents who are married 55 and 35 years respectively. No abuse or neglect or anything, either.

I will say, I don't think we would have found ourselves in the A if his (now ex) wife hadn't previously cheated on him. That seemed to lower his boundaries.

Last edited by Birdies; 24th September 2017 at 3:13 PM..
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