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Do ow/om care?


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Old 4th October 2017, 11:34 AM   #16
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I didn't care about his wife because he didn't care about her. He wouldn't have been cheating on her if he loved her. I talked openly about this with my exhusband. We both concluded that he was married to some type of strong controlling woman for him to want out of his marriage so badly.
From what I learned from the local police and legal guidance, at least in my situation, the wives of men who cheat are typically extremely controlling and act like they own their husbands. Knowing that, it's hard for me to feel sorry at all for her. She did fit that model to a T.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:14 PM   #17
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I did think about her. I thought it was unfair and wrong, especially because it began before they were married.

But I was selfish and my "needs" superceded her. My pain over hers. I did alot of justification in my head, because how else can you do that to someone else.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:20 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
From what I learned from the local police and legal guidance, at least in my situation, the wives of men who cheat are typically extremely controlling and act like they own their husbands. Knowing that, it's hard for me to feel sorry at all for her.
Wow - I guess tell yourself that if it makes you feel better.

I know a shocking number of married men who cheat. These men are successful, rich, travel extensively for business - and feel entitled to it.

It's not because their wives are controlling - it's because they can have their cake and eat it too.

The little misses at home, and their mistresses on the road.

I know one guy who has one in each of the major cities he travels to.

Because their wives are controlling them - that's a hoot.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:26 PM   #19
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I highly doubt it. Ruthless egoism runs rampant through just about every other sector of life. Why would it not extend to personal relationships? Empathy is a relatively conscious control that can be quickly overcome by just-world hypothesis or ignorance. When people see a stranger in poverty they often assume bad choices must have led them there or they try not to dwell. It helps them feel more at ease about their own fortune. Me and mine come first. May the best man (or woman) win. Sad.
This...

Of course it isn't always the case, but most of the time it is. As I always say, cheating is never an isolated incident. No matter how a WS or even BS attempts to sell the "it's so out of character" line. It's usually on par with long standing behavior.

Now, it's somewhat of a oxymoron to ask if a om/ow cares.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:53 AM   #20
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I rarely thought about her. He rarely thought about her. Once in awhile I would ask him about it. He usually just shrugged and said if she finds out maybe she will divorce him. I didn't get the impression he cared either way.


In the beginning, I would have spells where I felt guilty about what I was doing to her. I rationalized it because if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else. He was not inclined to be faithful.


I don't think his BS was controlling. MM seemed to like her just fine. I think they were both just checked out. I don't blame her, I would have checked out too, she had caught him in 2 or 3 As before me. She just yanked him into line and they both went back to doing what they did. When she found out about me, she didn't say anything to him. Either she didn't care or she was tired of worrying about it.


Did I care? yes and no. Yes I cared and didn't want to hurt her but obviously I didn't care enough to stop my behavior more that once in awhile. Not going to say it was right, but its truthful.


Would I do it again? No. Not because of her, but because of me.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:49 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
I didn't care about his wife because he didn't care about her. He wouldn't have been cheating on her if he loved her. I talked openly about this with my exhusband. We both concluded that he was married to some type of strong controlling woman for him to want out of his marriage so badly.
From what I learned from the local police and legal guidance, at least in my situation, the wives of men who cheat are typically extremely controlling and act like they own their husbands. Knowing that, it's hard for me to feel sorry at all for her. She did fit that model to a T.
Um, the police told you this?

That sounds very strange and, tbh, paraphrased.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:50 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Sunshinechica View Post
I did think about her. I thought it was unfair and wrong, especially because it began before they were married.

But I was selfish and my "needs" superceded her. My pain over hers. I did alot of justification in my head, because how else can you do that to someone else.

Just my opinion, but this sounds extremely forthright and honest.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:17 PM   #23
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Well my OM had a gf & him & I discussed his feelings & mine on both. I didn't care about the gf, probably bc I found out she cheated on him too, no kids & they weren't married. He did feel guilt about the situation but not particularly my H. When I told him my marriage was bad & it had nothing to do with him, I wasn't lying, so he never felt the pressure of him being the reason of my marriage being in a bad spot.
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Old 7th October 2017, 9:01 PM   #24
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This was prompted by another thread, but I didn't want to thread jack.

If you are/were a ow or om, how did it make you feel knowing that they had a bs at home. Did it bother you that they could be hurt by the affair?

Just my personal opinion, but I've rarely seen a post by a ow or om who felt good about that. In fact, many that I have seen express regret that the bs got hurt, even if the marriage ended and they and their AP go on to a long term relationship or marriage.

If you were in that situation, how were you able mentally square that away?

I'm asking because I just don't understand it.
I don't think very much about her. He doesn't talk about her too much, other than to say 'she's a capable household manager.' Like many OM - he controls the information about her directly & limits it. I used to think he would leave her, as that is what he told me. However, I have my doubts about that now, possibly he's afraid of financial, or family opinion backlash? - By nature he is conflict avoider/ covert narcissist. He's good at compartmentalization, & gives himself permission to have us both, classic cake-eating and he did future faking with me. No, I don't think he regrets this LTA, we have a long history that goes back before she came on the scene. I don't think he would have restarted the LTA if there wasn't some checkin' out already going on in their marriage.

in some other threads individuals have said, people sometimes enter into affairs with old flames, because the wonder what life would have been like had they stayed to that path. So, I also think that element that enters into our LTA relationship- if I had agreed to marry him back then. Since, we lived together during University for several years- as young adults, and now again intermittently over the last two years in mid-life. We were highly compatible then as now. - And I think that sorta annoys him? He highly enjoys playing & reminding me that he is the victim - as I left him in the first instance with NC for almost 20 years. However, once we recontacted - he actively pursued me to re-enter the LTA.

I have no idea how this- LTA will end now? If she contacts me, I would tell her everything & I have told him this. He will tell her nothing, unless she finds out & confronts him, directly. But, then, she doesn't know about me, as he never told her. I think he should have told her about his past life before they married.
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