LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > General > General Relationship Discussion

Do ow/om care?


General Relationship Discussion Everything else under the sun. Not sure where to post? This is the place!

Like Tree20Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 22nd September 2017, 7:34 AM   #1
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,861
Do ow/om care?

This was prompted by another thread, but I didn't want to thread jack.

If you are/were a ow or om, how did it make you feel knowing that they had a bs at home. Did it bother you that they could be hurt by the affair?

Just my personal opinion, but I've rarely seen a post by a ow or om who felt good about that. In fact, many that I have seen express regret that the bs got hurt, even if the marriage ended and they and their AP go on to a long term relationship or marriage.

If you were in that situation, how were you able mentally square that away?

I'm asking because I just don't understand it.
umirano likes this.
__________________
"Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?"- Dale Gribble
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 10:24 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 497
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
This was prompted by another thread, but I didn't want to thread jack.

If you are/were a ow or om, how did it make you feel knowing that they had a bs at home. Did it bother you that they could be hurt by the affair?

Just my personal opinion, but I've rarely seen a post by a ow or om who felt good about that. In fact, many that I have seen express regret that the bs got hurt, even if the marriage ended and they and their AP go on to a long term relationship or marriage.

If you were in that situation, how were you able mentally square that away?

I'm asking because I just don't understand it.
I believe that both WS and OW/OM generally believe that what the spouse at home doesn't know, won't hurt them. Of course this isn't entirely true - even if the spouse never finds out, an affair invariably takes something away from the marriage - but it's easy to believe anyway. I don't think anyone would enter into an affair if they knew for sure that it would be uncovered. Everyone thinks they can keep the secret, and thus no harm no foul. It's still wrong of course, and you feel like a jerk for that, but you don't believe it will come to light and truly hurt anyone.

[]

----------------------

PS - Also, and this is 100% just my own situation, but I did have a hard time finding much empathy because she had previously had a long-term affair, refused to cut off contact with OM or take much responsibility for it, and was emotionally abusive. "How do you know, you're not in their marriage, blah blah blah".... Be that as it may, it's the truth and it made me much less empathetic than if he were a serial-cheating cad or they had a good but stale marriage. He should have just gotten out long before, but ironically he was afraid of hurting her.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd September 2017 at 11:10 AM.. Reason: Merge
Birdies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 10:25 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: In yonder flowered garden
Posts: 2,617
I could have cared less about the husband. Other than it was a sexual kick to be with another man's wife
2.50 a gallon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 11:14 AM   #4
LoveShack.org Moderator
LoveShack.org Moderator
 
William's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Riding the rails
Posts: 3,813
To get a directive in early, the thread starter expressly wishes opinions only from affair partners, OM's and OW's.

If you don't clearly identify as one of that group, and choose to post, you risk your membership. Moderation has had enough of baiting and inflammatory posting here.
William is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 1:09 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,431
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
This was prompted by another thread, but I didn't want to thread jack.

If you are/were a ow or om, how did it make you feel knowing that they had a bs at home. Did it bother you that they could be hurt by the affair?

Just my personal opinion, but I've rarely seen a post by a ow or om who felt good about that. In fact, many that I have seen express regret that the bs got hurt, even if the marriage ended and they and their AP go on to a long term relationship or marriage.

If you were in that situation, how were you able mentally square that away?

I'm asking because I just don't understand it.

First of all, you can't automatically assume that the separated spouse someone is dating has a betrayed spouse at home. Half the time, they ARE the betrayed spouse. And we're talking about legal separation, which rules vary from state to state. My first one, legally separated because the wife wanted to leave him for someone else. SHE was not the betrayed spouse. I knew this from him as well as third parties who knew her, as well as she was already seen out with her new man, who she worked with.

My second, the wife cheated on him, hitting on 3 of his best friends. SHE was not the betrayed spouse. Again, legal separation to lead to divorce.

the third, I didn't know was married until too late. I think he was still at times under the same roof, but I always thought he lived with his brother because that's usually where he was. I wasn't happy when I found out. Everyone in my crowd knew him and I never found anyone who knew he was married, because he was always out and about and never once had she been seen with him. I don't know the story. But I will concede she was probably the betrayed spouse, and soon the divorced betrayed spouse.

So let's not forget the road goes both ways. Every other man or other woman isn't dating the man who has a betrayed spouse at home. Very often he or she IS the betrayed spouse who is now moving on with his or her life.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln

Last edited by preraph; 22nd September 2017 at 2:01 PM..
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 3:00 PM   #6
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,861
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
First of all, you can't automatically assume that the separated spouse someone is dating has a betrayed spouse at home. Half the time, they ARE the betrayed spouse. And we're talking about legal separation, which rules vary from state to state. My first one, legally separated because the wife wanted to leave him for someone else. SHE was not the betrayed spouse. I knew this from him as well as third parties who knew her, as well as she was already seen out with her new man, who she worked with.

My second, the wife cheated on him, hitting on 3 of his best friends. SHE was not the betrayed spouse. Again, legal separation to lead to divorce.

the third, I didn't know was married until too late. I think he was still at times under the same roof, but I always thought he lived with his brother because that's usually where he was. I wasn't happy when I found out. Everyone in my crowd knew him and I never found anyone who knew he was married, because he was always out and about and never once had she been seen with him. I don't know the story. But I will concede she was probably the betrayed spouse, and soon the divorced betrayed spouse.

So let's not forget the road goes both ways. Every other man or other woman isn't dating the man who has a betrayed spouse at home. Very often he or she IS the betrayed spouse who is now moving on with his or her life.
my question was clearly aimed at ow/om who are dating a person who is married. Not separated, living apart from their soon to be ex-spouse, etc.
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 3:20 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,431
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
my question was clearly aimed at ow/om who are dating a person who is married. Not separated, living apart from their soon to be ex-spouse, etc.
Sorry, wasn't clear to me. Because sometimes the spouse was home but the one wasn't staying there but there was still "home" where all his stuff still was until the thing was settled. Going by personal experience, so missed the qualifier, I guess. I'll bug off now.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 3:25 PM   #8
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,861
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Sorry, wasn't clear to me. Because sometimes the spouse was home but the one wasn't staying there but there was still "home" where all his stuff still was until the thing was settled. Going by personal experience, so missed the qualifier, I guess. I'll bug off now.
No worries, and your post did make some good points that are certainly worthy of consideration.
preraph likes this.
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 6:32 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 279
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post

If you were in that situation, how were you able mentally square that away?
While I knew what we were doing was wrong, I had never met his wife and could only picture her in the abstract. For the brief times we were together I guess I was able to pretend she didn't exist. There were a handful of times though where I felt pangs of guilt. Once, when he spent the better part of a day with me and I had this thought that he was stealing time from his family. Another time when he brought his child along somewhere and I felt like the cuckoo in the robin's nest.

I also knew that what we were doing was going to end at some point. He was heavily manipulating me, and I was susceptible to that, in part because I was attracted to him and it had been a long time for me since anyone had expressed an interest. I thought we'd just work it out of our systems and be done with it. But I became more addicted and he got more abusive.

I'm out of it now and mostly I just feel sorry for his wife, as I felt then when I thought about her. I think my situation is somewhat atypical though.

--------------

You know, though, OWs really should think more about the MM's family. I get it that the guy is often very persistent, and some of us are vulnerable for one reason or another. But I just read a horrific account of a husband murdering his child and then killing himself as a downstream effect of an affair. It's really playing with fire doing this kind of stuff and you never know what kind of devastation you will wreak until it happens.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd September 2017 at 9:47 PM.. Reason: Merge for continuity
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 6:50 PM   #10
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,676
Our thing was more of a fling, no exchanges of affection, especially not love.

Perhaps I fooled myself with "it's just sex" and "if it wasn't me, it would be someone else"....

But no, I never thought of his wife much. Occasionally I would feel a little guilty, but for the most part I didn't blame myself, figured she was the one that married a cheater.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2017, 7:36 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 323
I didn't think about her. She wasn't a person to me. I knew she existed but she wasn't an actual person to me b/c I had never met her. I was happy with my MM and never really thought about or cared about her. It sounds cruel but she really wasn't a concern or a thought.

Then I talked to her and told her about the affair b/c I wanted it to end with MM. that's when it hit me. She was a real person. She was someone who met, dated, fell in love with and married a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Shes a young woman, just like me, who had found happiness and love, the same things I want and have tried to find. What gives me the right to ruin that? I know how hard it is to date and find a good man, why am I doing this?

So yes, I eventually did feel badly. But I also fell in love with this man and a stranger's happiness wasn't worth sacrificing my own. Even though I tried to stay away from him and I tried to end it, we remained friends until we realized we couldn't be friends and he filed for divorce.

I am not proud of the fact that she got hurt. I am not proud that I contributed to that hurt but you need to keep in mind that in an affair, it's about you and your AP. Nobody else matters. My intention wasn't to hurt her or have her end up divorced- I just wanted to be with the man that I love.
lostgirl87 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd September 2017, 4:02 AM   #12
Established Member
 
cocorico's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,234
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
If you are/were a ow or om, how did it make you feel knowing that they had a bs at home. Did it bother you that they could be hurt by the affair?
I knew she had been a WS, and that she'd been open about her views on infidelity (that it was a woman's right; that monogamy was oppressive; etc). I knew she actively helped her friends "cheat" on their partners, and boasted about doing so. I knew she considered loyal, faithful spouses fools, from what she wrote and said publicly. I knew she had only agreed to M for convenience - tax purposes - and had insisted that getting M would be seen as a paper compliance only, and wouldn't imply anything about the true nature of their R - which she had stated openly she considered to be one that she inhabited only as long as it suited her, and only to the extent it suited her, and that she wasn't really invested (she considered him beneath her, and made no secret of that). She was happy to broadcast her views, and during my research (before the A) this all got back to me. So I took it at face value, and assumed she'd apply the same values and "rules" to others she applied to herself.

They lived very separate lives. I assumed she didn't care - and she didn't, until he told her he was leaving. I think her pride was insulted that someone she considered her inferior would walk away from her.

So to answer the question - it didn't occur to me that she could be hurt - she'd made it so clear where she stood on such matters. She had no compunction about doing the same to others - took pride and joy in it. To me, she had it in for the institution of M, and so wouldn't care, wouldn't be hurt. I didn't realise that she had two sets of rules one for herself, and another for others.

So no, I didn't dwell on the possibility of her being hurt. She'd ruled out that possibility in my mind by her outspoken stance.
__________________
Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

- Mark Twain
cocorico is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd September 2017, 7:22 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 17
Didn't bother to think

I have to say I didn't think about the BS at all. When MM first contacted me online I blew him off at first, but as he was exactly the type of man I was looking for, I soon put her existence out of my mind. I did ask him to show me a picture of his son but I was never told his name or his wife's name. And I never used the words "your wife" to him, using instead "your partner" "your family" etc. I did imagine her, but only in the abstract.. what made me end the A was snooping on social media and putting names and faces to this shadow family. I still really don't feel anything, maybe disgusted with him and myself, but not sorry for her. I do hope she never finds out-for her sake and the child's, they don't need to be hurt and it's over with But, as my MM told me he'd done this before,I suppose one day he will find an AP who will make more trouble than I care to and there will be a big DDay.
bealigerent is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd September 2017, 9:49 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 323
Sorry, jah, but I refuse to accept that an affair can be blamed for something like that. Yes affairs hurt people but murder or seriously physically harming anyone is beyond the scope. This man was mentally unstable and that situation is a far outlier.
cocorico likes this.
lostgirl87 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th September 2017, 5:24 AM   #15
Established Member
 
cocorico's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,234
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostgirl87 View Post
Sorry, jah, but I refuse to accept that an affair can be blamed for something like that. Yes affairs hurt people but murder or seriously physically harming anyone is beyond the scope. This man was mentally unstable and that situation is a far outlier.
People do weird stuff as a result of As, but people do weird stuff without As, too.

Likely that guy felt trapped by circumstances, which led to both the A and the traumatic finale. Better coping skills, and a sense of agency, could have prevented both, in all likelihood.
cocorico is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
To care or not to care: My high school crush Laundry333 Friends and Lovers 8 10th September 2017 12:26 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:43 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.