Insecurities

[Tiki37]

First let me give you a quick background. I am engaged. I have 2 kids and my fiancé has one. Ages 9,10 and 11. We both have the same parenting plan, 7 days on and 7 days off. We do live together when we don’t have our kids and we kinda of don’t when we have our kids. We both own our own homes. When we do have our kids we do get together on the weekends. Anyway, here are some scenarios that I’m struggling with and I am not sure if I am over reacting, if it’s normal to feel the way I feel or if I need to accept it and let it go. Should he have handled things differently?

 

Scenario #1 - His daughter plays soccer and I understand that he wants to see her as much as he can because their 7 day parenting plan is hard for the both of them when they are not together. He wants to be at every event and sport the weeks he doesn’t have her which takes time away from us. It doesn’t happen a lot and I am trying to be more understanding when things come up. However, when we are not together and we have our kiddos, I feel that he doesn’t go out of his way to make the time to see me. When we are together, he makes an effort to see her.

 

Scenario #2 - There was a situation where my fiancé had a dinner with his company after work. There were 3 dinners on different days that week but 2 were mandatory. We had a small argument and I brought up some issues about a female worker that I was uncomfortable with. He tells me about this dinner, last minute and it bothered me that she was going to be there. It was a rough week for us, especially for me. After dinner, he sends me a text that he was going to see his daughter (this was our week). I felt upset because I was already upset, we were having issues and I felt that our issues and myself were not as important. His focus was more on seeing her than the problems we were having at home.

 

Scenario #3 - Bowling situation – He had his daughter all week. We were not going to see each other much because I also had my kids. I thought that after bowling (since it was not a far drive from where I live, 7 minute drive) he would come right after. He said that after bowling he would stop at his mom’s, tuck his daughter in and then head over to my place. I got a little disappointed because now we are talking about a 35-40 minute difference and would get to my place late at night. I knew he was going to be exhausted from working all day, bowling for a few hours and spend some time with me. I told him how I felt and he said he already committed to her that he will tuck her in. I told him I understood. This made me upset because he had her the entire week, we were not going to spend any time together, I feel he could have called her and say good night. Again, I felt our time together was not that important to him. That night he stops by. He was really tired and we talked. Then we talked about how I felt and how it would have made more sense to come here instead so we can spend extra time together. I asked him, how about we compromise. Every other Tuesday, you can tuck her in and the other Tuesday, you can come straight to my place. He then says to me, I will not do that compromise. That really hurt and upset me even more.

 

Thank you!

[d0nnivain]

You will never come before his daughter or mandatory work events. He can't very well make himself unemployed just because you don't want him to work with this other woman.

 

As the kids age you will be pulled in many different directions to accommodate their activities. Are you really going to tell one of your kids that they can't do something because you two have a date?

 

I think he's trying to juggle a number of things. Give him a break.

[RecentChange]

His child comes FIRST, his child comes first, his child comes first.

 

And in case you don’t get my point of view, HIS CHILD COMES FIRST.

 

That is his flesh and blood. That is his child, and he is trying to be a good dad. Losing your father 50% of the time is already a HUGE blow to a kid. The kid should come before any romantic interests…. She will be a child only ONCE. She is 11 correct? Only 7 more years where he needs to make every effort to BE THERE for her, support her, show he that she IS the priority, not a new love interest.

 

How long have you all been together? Whats the plan after you get married? Are you going to attempt to blend the family? If so, why isn’t that happening now?

 

Let me tell you, he is BEING A GOOD DAD. She should be a priority over you. Period.

 

I can’t tell you about the damage that placing love interests over a child will do to them. I know, I see the incredible amount of pain and suffering my step siblings have from that sort of behavior.

[Tiki37]

You will never come before his daughter or mandatory work events. He can't very well make himself unemployed just because you don't want him to work with this other woman.

 

As the kids age you will be pulled in many different directions to accommodate their activities. Are you really going to tell one of your kids that they can't do something because you two have a date?

 

I think he's trying to juggle a number of things. Give him a break.

 

Thank you for your response. I do know that I will never be his priority over his daughter. He is a good man and you are absolutely right. I need to give him a break.

[Tiki37]

His child comes FIRST, his child comes first, his child comes first.

 

And in case you don’t get my point of view, HIS CHILD COMES FIRST.

 

That is his flesh and blood. That is his child, and he is trying to be a good dad. Losing your father 50% of the time is already a HUGE blow to a kid. The kid should come before any romantic interests…. She will be a child only ONCE. She is 11 correct? Only 7 more years where he needs to make every effort to BE THERE for her, support her, show he that she IS the priority, not a new love interest.

 

How long have you all been together? Whats the plan after you get married? Are you going to attempt to blend the family? If so, why isn’t that happening now?

 

Let me tell you, he is BEING A GOOD DAD. She should be a priority over you. Period.

 

I can’t tell you about the damage that placing love interests over a child will do to them. I know, I see the incredible amount of pain and suffering my step siblings have from that sort of behavior.

 

Thank for your response and that's exactly what I needed to hear. We have been together for 3 years. She is 11 and we do get the kiddos together as much as we can. We will be moving in together in January. I'm in the process of refinancing and then rent my home.

[d0nnivain]

Tiki37

 

I think you will be fine. There will be bumps along the road as everybody adjusts to the new schedules & living arrangements. If you can hang on to the fact that he's a good date AND a good partner, the responsibilities shouldn't be a source of friction.

[GunslingerRoland]

The fact that you guys are already engaged and spending half of your time apart, is kinda concerning to me. Are you just planning to wait until the day after the wedding and then boom, full time blended family?

 

Getting married (and even being a serious couple) is about integrating lives together not leading two separate lives that intersect when neither has anything else going on.

 

For example your soon to be step daughters games should be a perfect chance for you and him to spend time together. But instead you see it as time where you are losing him.

[stillafool]

Absolutely his child comes first as it should be. I'm sure you put your kids before him, don't you? Since you guys are engaged do you plan to marry and all of you stay in the same home together? Maybe then you will get the time with him that you desire.

[Tiki37]

Tiki37

 

I think you will be fine. There will be bumps along the road as everybody adjusts to the new schedules & living arrangements. If you can hang on to the fact that he's a good date AND a good partner, the responsibilities shouldn't be a source of friction.

 

Thank you!

[Tiki37]

The fact that you guys are already engaged and spending half of your time apart, is kinda concerning to me. Are you just planning to wait until the day after the wedding and then boom, full time blended family?

 

Getting married (and even being a serious couple) is about integrating lives together not leading two separate lives that intersect when neither has anything else going on.

 

For example your soon to be step daughters games should be a perfect chance for you and him to spend time together. But instead you see it as time where you are losing him.

 

I understand what you are saying. We are moving in together in January and getting married in August.

[Tiki37]

The fact that you guys are already engaged and spending half of your time apart, is kinda concerning to me. Are you just planning to wait until the day after the wedding and then boom, full time blended family?

 

Getting married (and even being a serious couple) is about integrating lives together not leading two separate lives that intersect when neither has anything else going on.

 

For example your soon to be step daughters games should be a perfect chance for you and him to spend time together. But instead you see it as time where you are losing him.

 

Absolutely his child comes first as it should be. I'm sure you put your kids before him, don't you? Since you guys are engaged do you plan to marry and all of you stay in the same home together? Maybe then you will get the time with him that you desire.

 

Thank you. Yes, I do put my kids first, however I compromise and I also do my very best to make him feel he is important as well. He doesn't do that with me and that's where I feel insecure. Yes, we will be moving in together in a few months before we get married. You're right, we will definitely spend more time when we move in.

[Whoknew30]

I'm going to say what disturbs me about this (bc it's not just you I've heard this from) you're a mother, that's insecure & kind of jealous over his kid...I just don't understand this mentality as a woman or mother.

 

Either you're not putting your own kids first, which speaks about you as a mother or you're selfish when it isn't "your kids". Either one is not good for a relationship.

 

As a mother if a guy even brought up "why I want to go to all my kid's games" I'd walk away & wouldn't look back twice. I personally think if his relationship with his kids make you insecure...do yourself a favor & leave the guy alone bc if he's a decent man, he nor his kid needs negativity, nor does it sound like he's going to deal with it & why should he?

 

Nothing is more disturbing than a a grown woman that is insecure over a child..nothing.