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It Never Ends -- ''older'' man (over 40)


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Old 23rd September 2017, 2:41 PM   #16
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To summer

How am I to find out. I can't just ASK her. I REALLY wish I knew if she felt something for me, although, quite frankly, I'm beginning to get TIRED of my obsession. My pride is surfacing.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 2:56 PM   #17
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To springsummer

She had a reputation for flirting. That's why the therapist said what she said. But, so what. Women flirt all the time. Does it mean that they're all evil. She might BE evil. I just don't believe that.

It can definitely be evil when a woman draws a man towards her [she KNOWS what she did, Im certain of it. Women know what they're doing], but then lets him just hang there. He has love inside of him that he can do nothing with, because of her GAMES. It's' evil, yes.

She finally married someone, though their marriage is on the rocks.

As regards her liking me, loving me, not loving me, whatever, that is the mystery. As regards me being charming, or not, I can do very, very well with drawing women to me. And each time, I just play it by ear. I'm not bragging [Well, maybe a little!!]

I think this is ONE reason I''m fascinated by her. Although I feel that I had ''worked'' on her (so to speak) enough to get her very interested in me, and maybe even opening up overtly, she HASN'T, except for hints. Even after she got married she kept communication with me.

But now it's ended, as they're trying [supposedly] to mend their marriage.

In truth, as I think I said elsewhere, I'm beginning to get dog tired of this. Maybe my pride. I didn't want to let go--not ever. But now I'm just tired. It's not going anywhere.

It is impossible. I just got CAUGHT.

If there's a lesson to be learned, it's that there cannot be anything on earth as powerful as a woman.

Thanks again. I have no problem being criticized, by the way.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:05 PM   #18
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Tell me--which is worse? Is it worse that a man love another woman, in addition to his wife, and wants to MARRY HER. Or is it worse that, in our society, men are ALL OVER THE PLACE, having secret relationships; HIDING what they can't expression OPENLY
.

Actually it would be better to just never marry and bang all the chicks you want. That way no one can get hurt if you are honest with the girls that you are seeing others.
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Old 24th September 2017, 3:59 PM   #19
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If the young woman does not feel you are meant to be together then this is just one-sided. I realise it is difficult to accept that but if she has said that to you then you need to accept it or you will be even more hurt.
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:39 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
.

Actually it would be better to just never marry and bang all the chicks you want. That way no one can get hurt if you are honest with the girls that you are seeing others.
You say no one can get hurt. Well, not sure if I agree with that. My decades on this planet tell me something different. Yet, I do understand your point.
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:41 PM   #21
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If the young woman does not feel you are meant to be together then this is just one-sided. I realise it is difficult to accept that but if she has said that to you then you need to accept it or you will be even more hurt.
Her silence, I believe, has made it crystal clear that there ain't no happenings. I am settling in, finally, to accepting reality. Thanks for your comments.
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Old 1st October 2017, 9:09 PM   #22
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I like your post.

I am on the opposite side of the situation - a woman in love with a married man - but he does NOT know it (yet). SOmeone might already have told him, people around him who notices.

And, I am also feeling ancient, unbound by human rules... about "morality" and all.

So, I come in here and post that I have fallen for a georgeous (in and out, I mean who cares if only I find him georgeous physically?) married man, and he treats me as a good friend (although he says our friendship is forever), and he's all gentleman...

And here I am feeling so happy just to enjoy a few hours with him, sahring lunch, and ride and stories, talking or just chatting online...

and there comes all negative talk about getting hurt and destroying his family and his wife, that I am desperate, and more hurt.

I mean, who the hell have not experienced hurt in many other forms and similaror worse forms before? Not I. Been there, and I will endure more.

So, there, I will love him and keep it a secret and be happy 'til something else happens.
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Old 1st October 2017, 9:39 PM   #23
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I like your post.

I am on the opposite side of the situation - a woman in love with a married man - but he does NOT know it (yet). SOmeone might already have told him, people around him who notices.

And, I am also feeling ancient, unbound by human rules... about "morality" and all.

So, I come in here and post that I have fallen for a georgeous (in and out, I mean who cares if only I find him georgeous physically?) married man, and he treats me as a good friend (although he says our friendship is forever), and he's all gentleman...

And here I am feeling so happy just to enjoy a few hours with him, sahring lunch, and ride and stories, talking or just chatting online...

and there comes all negative talk about getting hurt and destroying his family and his wife, that I am desperate, and more hurt.

I mean, who the hell have not experienced hurt in many other forms and similaror worse forms before? Not I. Been there, and I will endure more.

So, there, I will love him and keep it a secret and be happy 'til something else happens.
I am not certain what to say. I hesitate to say anything. Even at my age, I feel uncomfortable pretending that I could understand your feelings, as a woman in love.

Our situations sound similiar. It seems ironic, of course, that your experience with him--being able to have lunch with him, ride with him, spend HOURS with him--must be both heaven and hell at the same time.

Oh my GOD, I DREAM ad HOPE for Saturday breakfast with her, at a certain restaurant. I wish I could go for walks with her. Anything.

You have that. But, your situation has caused me to realize that, for myself, it would spell TORTURE to be with her, then realize that nothing permanent could happen.

Today was a fairly good day for me, emotionally. I feel that I have finally faced reality. But, I have said that before, only to end up in a deep, almost debilitating love funk.

You say, ''till something else happens.'' What do you mean. Do you anticipate, or hope that something else will happen. Do you mean something else about his marital situation. Do you mean another love interest, for you, that might appear.

Excuse my lack of question marks. My keyboard is not working well.

Wow, I keep thinking that, for you, the torture must be worse than the joy. Youre right up close. I cannot get close--only when SHE decides to contact me, which i less and less and less.

I check my email, HOPING to see her name, and her face in the upper right-hand corner. It's INSANE!!!!! I can't go anywhere with this. It makes NO sense whatsoever.

I have an idea--MARRY ME. Then we can forget about our respective love interests. Oh, I forgot--I can't leave my wife. Oh well. Nevermind.

Sorry of that was not funny. But, if I DON'T laugh, I will suffer even more.

I have no words of advice for you. I am in the dark. I do not know how to handle this stuff. I keep hoping that she will leave the city, or that I can get out of here.

Every now and then I run into her at the post office. She smiles. We exchange courtesies. I try to give hints, with my eyes--and with my heart.

I have always been told that ''women know.'' If so, then she knows that I love her.

Well, I'm rambling now. Time to go to sleep.

Nice meeting you. Nice crying on each other's shoulders. The funny thing is, I used to MOCK this kind of thing, calling men ''weak,'' and ''pitiful.'' Now look at me. That which I used to mock has become ME.

Last edited by ItNeverChanges; 1st October 2017 at 9:41 PM..
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:14 PM   #24
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I wonder if he DOES know, or sense, how you feel. Maybe he's trying to set you up [QUESTION MARK] as a ''side piece.'' Your note sounds as if you would not mind, because of your intense feelings, ''unbound by human rules.''

I no longer moralize. But, what I would say is to think carefully, of course. Can you gain something substantial, or meaningful and lasting. [Listen to ME trying to drop down some wisdom!! What a laugh!!]

Well, truly time for me to hit the sack.

Thank you again for your note. GOOD LUCK!!
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:17 PM   #25
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Once a fool, forever an old fool?

Stop gazing at your navel and get it together.

Leave that young lady alone.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 6:59 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by MuddyFootprints View Post
Once a fool, forever an old fool?

Stop gazing at your navel and get it together.

Leave that young lady alone.
Leave her alone, you say. That is exactly all that I HAVE done. I say nothing to her. She has barely written me in TWO YEARS. I never bother her, unless she writes me, which is less and less.

I am not made of stone. Well, no sense in trying to explain, other than to say that it is not HER that I have to work to leave alone. It is MYSELF that I torture.

Anyway, thanks for your response.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 8:04 AM   #27
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I'm so happy to have found this thread because I feel a little less like I'm going out of my mind!!

Like oldbutcurious, I am in the same situation as you ItNeverChanges, but I am the young woman deeply in love with the older married man. We are colleagues who work together in the same department so we spend most weekdays together, and often travel with each other for work.

A few months ago I actually told him how I felt, as I was miserable and at the point that I thought I might need to change departments to get over him once and for all. He was very careful in how he responded, and in the end we resolved that I would not act rashly and just see how I went over the next couple of months.


Well, at first I'd assumed that he did not feel the same way and it was just a silly crush. But he almost needed to take the rest of the day off, he was so shocked by my confession. Then subsequent to my confession, he started messaging me online every night, often just to see how I am and whether I had got home ok. He buys me snacks when I'm working late, and remembers my favourite type of chocolate and diet drink. Sometimes I catch him staring at me, and maybe it's wishful thinking, but there is something in the way he looks at me...

It is exquisite torture. I think, if he felt anything, like you, he would never, ever tell me, in deference to his wife of 25+ years. But it kills me not to know. So reading this gives me hope that he feels the same way, in secret...


In turn, I will never say anything to him again, and will pretend like I feel nothing. I am trying to be a good person and I would hate myself for doing anything to his marriage. I am almost cold to him now with how hard I am trying not to feel anything. So please take comfort in that she may well feel the same way, but is trying to ignore it, just the same way I am.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:29 AM   #28
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To AmyLee

''So please take comfort in that she may well feel the same way, but is trying to ignore it, just the same way I am''

There is comfort in that thought, although, for me, the torture is still a bit worse. I am getting better, though, by keeping very busy.

As your regards your situation, OH...MY...GOD!!! How can you stand it!! Weekends together AND traveling together. She used to work at the same place I work, but she quit and works somewhere else.

If I had to work with her, on weekends, as well as travel, it would be the 'perfect' mixture of heaven and hell. I have a moral compass that was set for me NOT by the good nuns at Corpus Christi Grammar School. It was set, rather, but STREET dudes I sued to hang out with.

Many people wrongly think that street folks have no morals. Well, it depends. In my old neighborhood, there was an honor code--NEVER mess around with another man's woman OR wife. That code saturates my entire being right now [I sometimes wish it would die out].

I can't change. Even if she approached me straight up and offered me her whole self INCLUDING....that, no way could I do it. I'm MOLDED--permanently.

So, being with her every weekend would not work for me. I wish I were more like my big brother used to be. .

By the way, I feel as you do, happy to know that others are SUFFERING tremendously, as I am. LOL!!!!

I can only be a shoulder for you to cry on, because I have no solution [sorry]. What helps me these days is keeping busy. I'm leaving town for some intensive, 3-day training, and I'm studying for that, TRYING to not think about her while I study.

Yesterday was a complete waste. I barely got anything done. I kept mulling over whether or not I should tell her.

What I didn't mention, I think, is that I have been in love with her fore EIGHT YEARS. We always communicated, via email. Even after she got married she kept writing me.

I used to wonder if she saw me as just a father figure. PERISH THE THOUGHT!!! Then, for the past two years she has not been communicating, but suddenly showed up, at my job, to tell me about her and her hubby being on the verge of divorce. She gave me a HUGE hug, too!!!

Why did she come to tell me that. Well, forget it.

I got a couple of Muslim buddies, and they keep screaming at me, ''SEE!!! SEE!!! That's why Islam allows polygamy.''

At first I thought, that is just insane. But now...

We lambast that culture. But look at US!! How many ''second wives'' do men in our country have ON THE SIDE, cheating their asses off. And that is the point that my Muslim buddies make. But, they have no answer for WOMEN that might want more than one man.

Nevertheless, I keep wondering. The mormons do it, I think.

I have never been able to see women as just things. Not that I have not had my FUN, mind you, in my life. But, ultimately, I always end up wanting something serious, and permanent.

In my mind, I have been a polygamist for eight years.

Well, I guess the one thing I would say is that, if you are feeling guilty that you might badly impact his marriage, then you are doing exactly the right thing by giving him a kind of cold shoulder now. But, what happens if, one day, when you both are together, he GRABS you and confesses is LOVE, and tells you he feels desperate. What then,

Would you believe me if I told you I have written her 800 letters, always ending up deleting them; never having the nerve to send them. I want to wait until she and her hubby decide, one way or the other, what their future will be.

Then, I could at least tell her how I feel. But would that be fair to her. NO. So, I am stuck. If I dont tell her, I have to suffer with the thought that she will never know. If I do tell her, assuming they break up, I have to suffer with the thought that she might really love me to, but I am MARRIED and cant DO **** about it!!

I believe in God. But, sometimes I wonder WHY He [She...It...whatever] allows us to have hearts that can love married women; married men. You would think that He could have designed us so that we would never be attracted to anyone but our wives, husbands, PARTNERS [guess I gotta say that, these days, although I am from the old school, and find all these social changes hard to deal with]. But He did not do that.

Oh, that reminds me. Okay, in 2010, an old girlfriend who I had dated in the 1980s contacted me, telling me that I was ''the only man on earth that I can trust,'' and that she wanted me.

OY VEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

That went on for some months. Finally, we got into big arguments. We had always, even while dating, argued intensely, yet always resolve them, one way or the other. This time, though, we both figured something out. We had changed. We both were different.

So, that ended that, THANK GOD.

Well, my point is this. There is nothing LINEAR, or fixed in stone, about this stuff. One can think that once one is married, that is it. He or she will never turn their eyes in another direction again. But, it is not the EYES. It is the heart. That is the problem.

How does one control the heart. F**ck if I know.

GOOD LUCK!!
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