If a WS...did you ever bring AP into your home?

[Whoknew30]

I'm curious about this...my H & I both had A but we never thought about bringing AP to our home. I know this will sound odd but the way I was raised, there's rules even in an A.

 

I have a family member that I care for deeply that is not only having an A but bringing the OW to his home. I don't understand this mentality, I understand the betrayal of an A to begin with but I personally think bringing the AP to your home is on a whole another level.

 

If you're a WS & did this, why? In this situation, my family member has enough financially to have options on where to go .I'm starting to think for him to do this he really doesn't love his wife...A are rampant in my family but I've never seen seen any get to this point of brazen.

[RecentChange]

I never did... Like you, as crazy as it may sound to some, that was a line I wasn't in going to cross. No way my AP, was coming to my home. And when I had my D Day, my husband wouldn't at first believe me that I never had him there (I hope he believes me now).

 

That said - I had been to my AP's house on multiple occasions - the first time we ever got physical it was there. At the time I didn't really think about it, but looking back - it's a line that shouldn't have been crossed.

 

I remember one time we had sex in top of his (their!) bed, and I told him he better wash the comforter - he said "why?" I looked at him with a "you gotta be kidding me" face.

 

As for the financial part - yeah he could have afforded a hotel (even in our pricy area - but credit cards and hotel bills leave quite a paper trail)

Edited September 18, 2017 by RecentChange

[Whoknew30]

I never did... Like you, as crazy as it may sound to some, that was a line I wasn't in going to cross. No way my AP, was coming to my home. And when I had my D Day, my husband wouldn't at first believe me that I never had him there (I hope he believes me now).

 

That said - I had been to my AP's house on multiple occasions - the first time we ever got physical it was there. At the time I didn't really think about it, but looking back - it's a line that shouldn't have been crossed.

 

I remember one time we had sex in top of his (their!) bed, and I told him he better wash the comforter - he said "why?" I looked at him with a "you gotta be kidding me" face.

 

As for the financial part - yeah he could have afforded a hotel (even in our pricy area - but credit cards and hotel bills leave quite a paper trail)

 

I understand the AP not caring (not that I agree) bc it's not their home space. At the end of the day, they were invited. It just boggles my mind that anyone married having an A that doesn't want to get divorced, would cross that line. I can forgive a lot but I really don't think I could forgive my spouse for bringing them into my home. I would take it as him, really not loving me at all. That's just my opinion though...that's why I'm curious to why a WS would do that.

[Birdies]

I did. Not proud of it and I didn't do it specifically to hurt my H. But I also think these "rules" are kind of ridiculous. You are having sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse. It's kind of splitting hairs to say that doing that in one place is "ok" and somewhere else isn't, when you're already that far gone. It's all majorly f*cked up.

 

As for "why" Whoknew30....because it was a place that was available, and my moral compass was already entirely broken. Nothing more complicated than that.

[carhill]

Never did but then again my exW could independently verify any of that stuff with the lady in question. Whatever I did was right out in the open.

 

I have a family member that I care for deeply that is not only having an A but bringing the OW to his home.

Have you discussed this with him? Is he aware that you're aware?

I don't understand this mentality, I understand the betrayal of an A to begin with but I personally think bringing the AP to your home is on a whole another level.

Everyone has different thought processes and boundaries. Is this his first affair or have there been others? Have you seen he and his OW out in public? How public he is with his A and how many iterations there have been could lend insight into his psychology.

 

How do you feel answers and opinions here will assist you in your interpersonal relationships?

[Whoknew30]

Never did but then again my exW could independently verify any of that stuff with the lady in question. Whatever I did was right out in the open.

 

Have you discussed this with him? Is he aware that you're aware? Everyone has different thought processes and boundaries. Is this his first affair or have there been others? Have you seen he and his OW out in public? How public he is with his A and how many iterations there have been could lend insight into his psychology.

 

How do you feel answers and opinions here will assist you in your interpersonal relationships?

 

He never goes out on the open. Yes, he knows I know, he told me. No he's not cheated on her before. The reason I ask is bc if he's just screwing up, I'd like to be the voice of reason (which I have) but if he doesn't love her, then he shouldn't stay & in our family...divorce is a big no no.

[Whoknew30]

I did. Not proud of it and I didn't do it specifically to hurt my H. But I also think these "rules" are kind of ridiculous. You are having sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse. It's kind of splitting hairs to say that doing that in one place is "ok" and somewhere else isn't, when you're already that far gone. It's all majorly f*cked up.

 

As for "why" Whoknew30....because it was a place that was available, and my moral compass was already entirely broken. Nothing more complicated than that.

 

Thanks for answering honestly.

 

I think the "rules" kind of show how much self control & respect one still had even in the midst of wrong...I'm just trying to explain it in the logic I was raised...cheating is bad enough but add bringing AP into your home, putting AP first, allowing it to break up your home, doesn't really happen in not just my family but my culture. Leaving for another person or bringing a AP over, is like the worst of the worst...the cheating itself is usually confronted then looked over.

[RecentChange]

Thanks for answering honestly.

 

I think the "rules" kind of show how much self control & respect one still had even in the midst of wrong...I'm just trying to explain it in the logic I was raised...cheating is bad enough but add bringing AP into your home, putting AP first, allowing it to break up your home, doesn't really happen in not just my family but my culture. Leaving for another person or bringing a AP over, is like the worst of the worst...the cheating itself is usually confronted then looked over.

 

I know it's funny isn't it - cheating is breaking the rules, yet I had placed all sorts of rules on myself.

 

Don't develop feelings for the AP

Don't talk poorly of spouse to the AP, ever

Don't share details about home life / relationship with AP

Don't bring AP into the home

Don't do things sexuality with the AP that I wouldn't do with my spouse (and some things reserved only for spouse)

Don't take time away from spouse - for the AP (I skipped sports practice etc to be with my AP, but never took up home time - if we texted which was rare, it was on work time).

 

I know.... No honor among thieves and all of that - but I placed a number of rules on myself.

[elaine567]

In affairs there can be a lot of resentment against the spouse involved. The affair can be a form of retribution.

So what better way to disrespect a spouse than to bring the AP right into the marital home.

 

If it is a cultural thing that the home is never breached by the affair and he is doing it anyway, then he may also be holding some resentment against your culture and bringing the AP into the home is maybe a form of rebellion against societal norms and against a culture that perhaps "forced" him to get married or is "forcing" him to stay married.

[Whoknew30]

In affairs there can be a lot of resentment against the spouse involved. The affair can be a form of retribution.

So what better way to disrespect a spouse than to bring the AP right into the marital home.

 

If it is a cultural thing that the home is never breached by the affair and he is doing it anyway, then he may also be holding some resentment against your culture and bringing the AP into the home is maybe a form of rebellion against societal norms and against a culture that perhaps "forced" him to get married or is "forcing" him to stay married.

 

I get what you're saying but it's more of a "boys will be boys culture" the boys get to what ever they want. They can marry who they want & they're not forced. The only thing looked at negatively is divorce. But maybe it is something with her. It's just he's never talked bad of his wife. She is dirty & never home bc she works a lot, even though she doesn't "have to". Could be something to that

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm curious about this...my H & I both had A but we never thought about bringing AP to our home. I know this will sound odd but the way I was raised, there's rules even in an A.

 

I have a family member that I care for deeply that is not only having an A but bringing the OW to his home. I don't understand this mentality, I understand the betrayal of an A to begin with but I personally think bringing the AP to your home is on a whole another level.

 

If you're a WS & did this, why? In this situation, my family member has enough financially to have options on where to go .I'm starting to think for him to do this he really doesn't love his wife...A are rampant in my family but I've never seen seen any get to this point of brazen.

 

Speaking on behalf of my WW....

 

Yes, she brought her OM into our home. In fact, that is where the PA was consummated.

 

What was she thinking? I've asked here that many times. Her response was she wasn't thinking; she was feeling. She thought she could have a platonic relationship, so she invited him to cover over while I traveled.

 

Yeah, it's totally disrespectful to another level! Not only was another man screwing my wife, but doing it on my home!

 

I find it interesting how individuals have their lines in the sand. For my wife, it was not to have sex in our bedroom. (Gee, thanks!). For others it not in the house. Does it really make a difference? It's still adultery, cheating, lying, etc.

 

At that time, it was a matter of convenience to hook up in our home. It was safe because I was out of town. Our home was close to where they worked together. The OM lived further away from town, and I think he had roommates (a bunch of single twenty-something guys). I don't know how many times he was in our home. And I don't know how many times that had sex in our home. I have to assume it was often.

 

As a woman, I don't think my wife even registered the "a man's castle" factor into her affair. I've made it clear that she desecrated our marital home. The one place that I (we) should feel safe was turned into a hookup shack.

[Whoknew30]

Speaking on behalf of my WW....

 

Yes, she brought her OM into our home. In fact, that is where the PA was consummated.

 

What was she thinking? I've asked here that many times. Her response was she wasn't thinking; she was feeling. She thought she could have a platonic relationship, so she invited him to cover over while I traveled.

 

Yeah, it's totally disrespectful to another level! Not only was another man screwing my wife, but doing it on my home!

 

I find it interesting how individuals have their lines in the sand. For my wife, it was not to have sex in our bedroom. (Gee, thanks!). For others it not in the house. Does it really make a difference? It's still adultery, cheating, lying, etc.

 

At that time, it was a matter of convenience to hook up in our home. It was safe because I was out of town. Our home was close to where they worked together. The OM lived further away from town, and I think he had roommates (a bunch of single twenty-something guys). I don't know how many times he was in our home. And I don't know how many times that had sex in our home. I have to assume it was often.

 

As a woman, I don't think my wife even registered the "a man's castle" factor into her affair. I've made it clear that she desecrated our marital home. The one place that I (we) should feel safe was turned into a hookup shack.

 

I've seen people use "the little head" in their thinking & be impulsive. My H & I both had separate d-days & while going through all of it, & the question of either AP being brought into our home wasn't even brought up...I know it's a weird standard but that's just unforgivable. What's ironic is when I had my A, it was an exit A & I had so much anger toward my H (at that time) & I just couldn't cross "that line". I know it doesn't matter bc I was betraying him regardless but I felt the home thing is like not only stabbing him in the back but throwing gasoline on him after & lightning a match. It's interesting to see different points of view.