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How to "affair proof" a relationship


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For those of you who have been cheated on, or been unfaithful yourself, what do you think are concrete steps couples could take to prevent betrayals and the terrible pain they cause?

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Get yourself a fugly partner that nobody else would want. :)

 

There will always be someone willing to cheat with those that cheat. You can really only affair proof yourself. Being a great spouse doesn't protect you from anything.

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Starswillshine

A person who asks how to affair proof your relationship is unlikely to be a cheater (though, there are circumstances where I think anyone can be vulnerable). But you can be the best spouse possible, and if your spouse wants to cheat and has the opportunity, he/she will cheat. No one can be everything at the same time, and cheaters are typically looking for different.

 

Be the best you, you can be. Put up boundaries for yourself so you don't find yourself in a situation you don't know how to get out of and boundaries of what behaviors you are willing to accept and not.

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I don't think anyone can but it seems to me some put themselves in situations where it is almost guaranteed they will be cheated upon.

They give their spouse chance after chance when the spouse shows them bad and untrustworthy behaviour.

They make excuse after excuse, and will even look the other way from cheating before they get married, and then are "Oh so surprised" when they find he/she is cheating again...

Or they put up with exes and besotted "friends" of the opposite sex who hang around ad infinitum...

Or they marry people who have never embraced monogamy and expect them to change overnight.

 

It is an unrealistic level of naivete, "Oh he/she told me he/she would never do it again", "Oh, but they are just good friends...", "Oh all that nonsense with multiple women/men is all in his/her past..."

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For those of you who have been cheated on, or been unfaithful yourself, what do you think are concrete steps couples could take to prevent betrayals and the terrible pain they cause?

 

[]

 

So to consider the premise the very first post is based on - how attractive your partner is - I'd agree and take it a step further. It depends on each partner's looks, values, self-awareness, maturity, background, experience. The questions I'd ask are how promiscuous has the partner been in the past? What kind of marriages did the person's parents, extended family and friends have? Does intimacy make the person open and transparent? Does the person share thoughts and feelings?

 

So you'll probably get answers to those and a lot more considerations, but I'd say the best "concrete" step you could take to prevent infidelity is to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will open your eyes to all the ways that people allow friendships to develop into affairs. Couples should talk honestly about how they each feel about opposite sex friendship, what it is and isn't, what flirting looks like, what's innocent and what's not and hold no secrets.

 

That would be a start and better than preparing in advance to look for red flags, signs of lying and hiding, etc. Understand and talk about the psychology of cheating and then talk about how committed exclusivity is different and what you want it to be.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic ~6
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There's no way to "affair proof."

 

There ARE ways to make it less likely and make your marriage less vulnerable.

 

But most people don't want to hear about it.

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I don't think there is a way in his day and age.

 

I have a great GF and still have ex's texting me. Just today a married woman was supposed to come over and "use my hot tub". Thankfully that fell through. "I" need to stop putting myself in situations that can evolve into a cheating situation.

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You cannot affair proof a marriage. The only thing that can stop cheating is that each individual person in the marriage, works to stay faithful. You can never control another.

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The only thing you can do is be the person they fell in love with, treat them with respect and love and trust every single day and be who they want to come home to every night. That's it. You cannot control what they do, you only have control over YOU. If you are upholding your role in the relationship to the best of your ability and expectations, you have no ownership if they cheat. You are responsible for your role in the relationship, not theirs. It's them, not you.

 

However, if you are at a point where you are thinking your partner is cheating or will cheat, it's time to focus on what may be going on in the relationship to identify if you are upholding your responsibilities at least. We all know that cheaters blame the partners. So dot your i's and cross your t's. There is no excuse for cheating of course, but there are always two sides to a story. Make sure your side is bullet-proof.

Edited by Redhead14
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For those of you who have been cheated on, or been unfaithful yourself, what do you think are concrete steps couples could take to prevent betrayals and the terrible pain they cause?

 

Transparency *before* any actions occur. When feelings of distance and/or the thoughts of action intrude, get it out in the open and work the problem as a team.

 

Listen to one's partner/spouse. Validate their health and/or concerns in the relationship or marriage.

 

Vow to be faithful today. That is today's success. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

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While I personally do not believe you can because rules and agreements go out the window as soon as emotions come into play. We see many famous, rich and powerful people risking all that they have to enter into an affair. Emotions rule us more than we want to admit.

 

There are so many different opinions which mean no one knows, they just have opinions. Our method was simple, we did not have a monogamous marriage and we played with others as a couple most of the time. You cannot cheat if there are no rules about it. We both got to have sex with other people every few years to scratch that itch. We then formed a poly triad with my wife's best friend and threesomes provided a lot of sexual diversity so nothing became routine and boring. Despite our lifestyle we have had less than 10 outside sex partners in 45 years. That is a slow month for some swingers I know.

 

Here is an article from Psychology Today. Skip the into and get to the 5 things you can do:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201308/5-ways-affair-proof-your-long-term-relationship

 

Here is a more folksy list of things you can do.

10 Ways To Affair Proof Your Marriage - iMom

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The best way is to find a person who has good character and won't cheat. Discuss these things before you commit and let your stance on cheating be known. My wife knows that I will never forgive cheating and if she does it I will divorce her. She feels the same way. It is never a 100% guarantee but you can minimize the odds.

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I think a lot of it depends on the type of person your partner is. MM admitted to me that he is a player. He loves women, has a lot of female friends, loves to flirt, is handsome and charismatic, and gentlemanly (at least, until you REALLY get to know him). If you marry a guy like this, well, where there's opportunity there's more chance for cheating.

 

On the other hand, I have a very close friend with Asperger's. He is the most loyal friend you'd ever want to have, and his morals are rock solid. He is also pretty socially awkward, especially around women. This is someone for whom it would never even occur to them to cheat on someone.

 

Extreme examples, maybe. But sometimes, you get what you pay for. If I were married to #1 I'd be doing a lot of tracking, is all I can say. Maybe some women don't have a problem looking the other way. I would though, if only because he could be putting my health at risk.

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Eternal Sunshine

There are certain characteristics of potential cheaters that are obvious in the dating stage (which people tend to ignore).

 

- Cheating in previous relationships

- Tendency of a person to have a lot of opposite sex friends and exes still hanging around (this is a sign that person needs a lot of external validation and it's a slippery slope from there)

- Previous casual sex/FWB lifestyle.

- Tendency towards white lies and inconsistencies - this always leads to bigger lies

- Passive aggressiveness

- Individual with a lot of charisma - will make for a lot of temptation and lets face it, people are weak

- Poor boundaries

 

If you married a partner with a lot of these characteristics, you can be the best spouse in the world, it's not going to help. It's about the individual, not about the relationship.

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I will also add lack of accountability and victim complex. Many cheaters think that whatever imagined thing their partner did justifies their actions even if they can never tell you exactly what it is.

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