How Do They Find Time?

[Bufo]

The longer I read here, the more this question bothers me.

 

How do so many people find the time to have affairs?

 

I'm not inquiring about ONS affairs or even travel for work affairs. And I suppose the quickie in the locked office affairs don't require much investment of time.

 

But reading about multiple contact and LTA types leaves me scratching my old grey head in wonder. I never had the free time when working. And now I'm ineligible due to age .

 

I'm not looking for "how to" tips, so don't refer me to that Reddit site!

 

Don't those with families in an A recognize that the A is stealing time from the family?

[40somethingGuy]

The longer I read here, the more this question bothers me.

 

How do so many people find the time to have affairs?

 

I'm not inquiring about ONS affairs or even travel for work affairs. And I suppose the quickie in the locked office affairs don't require much investment of time.

 

But reading about multiple contact and LTA types leaves me scratching my old grey head in wonder. I never had the free time when working. And now I'm ineligible due to age .

 

I'm not looking for "how to" tips, so don't refer me to that Reddit site!

 

Don't those with families in an A recognize that the A is stealing time from the family?

 

By being liars that have no respect for what they have and arrogance that they will get away with it. If the AP and the WS have lunch breaks at work that is one easy way without exposing themselves out of their routine.

[K.K.]

They make time. When something is as thrilling (and ok .. wrong) as forbidden love, they will make time. They steal away any chance they can to get their fix. They know they only have so many moments together so they make the most of every second. Boss not looking hey there's an empty office. Gotta run to the store to get milk (and sex). Be back soon.

 

It's heroin I tell ya.

 

Sure it's wrong! Try telling a heroin addict that heroin is wrong. See how far you get.

[somanymistakes]

The longer I read here, the more this question bothers me.

 

How do so many people find the time to have affairs?

 

I'm not inquiring about ONS affairs or even travel for work affairs. And I suppose the quickie in the locked office affairs don't require much investment of time.

 

But reading about multiple contact and LTA types leaves me scratching my old grey head in wonder. I never had the free time when working. And now I'm ineligible due to age .

 

I'm not looking for "how to" tips, so don't refer me to that Reddit site!

 

Don't those with families in an A recognize that the A is stealing time from the family?

 

If they were worried about it stealing from their existing relationship they wouldn't be having affairs.

 

Many long term affairs don't meet very often, or meet only briefly. The once-a-month poker game, which you find out years later was never really a poker game. Things like that.

 

For some affairs, they find it all the more exciting because it's so difficult to find time when they can be together without being caught. Maybe they can only manage to sneak off and get a hotel room once every few months, but that makes it super-thrilling when they're actually there, after all that anticipation.

 

While there are people in affairs who manage to carry on a whole double life, with multiple girlfriends not aware of each other and each thinking he lives with them, that's much rarer. Sending flirty texts in the bathroom doesn't take much time.

[road]

Easy to find the time when motivated to find the time.

 

Work a job with a one hour lunch. Add a willing

co-worker.

 

Work non steady hours.

 

Work different hours and or days then spouse.

 

Do mixed sex recreational activities without

the spouse. Countless times I have read where

the WW trained with a just a male friend for a sport.

Or the husband played on a mixed softball team.

 

Possibilities are endless.

[jah526]

Don't forget the old hunting/fishing trip on weekends. Remember Brokeback Mountain and the wife questioning why he never came home with any fish? Yeah.

[Doublegold]

We live in neighboring States. approx. 1:20 commute. He likes to drive and can work out of his car. Often working the phone or on a computer. So his work time was fluid, mine more 9 to 5. But my time is my time when off. I live alone.

 

We would often meet half way in the beginning. We spent a lot of time in the City too. We traveled together after three or four years when he had a job change that required traveling. He is down where I live all the time. All the time. We go out.

 

When his family went on some vacations we were together. His wife had suspicions but still traveled a lot. The A did take him away from those family times, although they were with her extended family and a real cluster !@#$. Did his wife notice--I am sure she did. His wife felt he was "not engaged" "autistic". But those adj were long before me. Otherwise they do the shopping, sports, family, holiday scene etc. together as most families do.

 

He was relentless on the phone. That was constant. And emails. This is a (very) LTA and I never called him, not once--and only replied when he texted. This wasn't a rule--it was my choice. I mean... this is a guy who gave me all his phone contacts. When he gave me the home number I said--Hello? As if.

 

Even with the distance, a week never went by without seeing one another. Crazy.

 

Just a few examples of our LTA that I'm responding to the OP with..to balance the seemingly endless work related quickies.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm a single mom with kids only 50% of the time (in reality usually a little more) and can't even find the time to devote to ONE relationship. I have no clue how folks find the time to carry on long term extra-marital affairs!

[MuddyFootprints]

There is a lot of toilet texting.

 

Pretty romantic, eh?

[compulsivedancer]

I had a lot of spare time because I was under-employed in a part-time job with changing retail hours. My ex never really had time for me or paid attention to my comings and goings. I would head to the grocery store and spend an hour or so "parked" first. Or I'd meet him on days I was scheduled late but knew I was likely to be let go early. Also, he had Fridays off, so I'd "go to the library" and spend a few hours at his place.

 

My ex wasn't around much and we didn't have kids, so it wasn't hard to do.

[waterwoman]

Travelling for work seems to be helpful. Both H and I have jobs that require minimal travelling - last time I had to work away for more than one day was about 13 years ago and as I was still feeding my youngest I was going home every night!

 

When I had my EA we only saw each other in work and one two ocassions out of work - it fitted in with my life with no extra demands - but any more than that would have been difficult. It ended abruptly and finally when he began to want more so I never got to find out.

 

H's affair was all in work or in work-related social environments - and a there was also a mammoth amount of texting. I was already beginning to notice that his head was elsewhere so I can't imagine that if they had ramped it up I'd have been unaware. If I hadn't been severely depressed and struggling to cope with all the demands on my time and energy I am sure I'd have investigated earlier.

 

Maybe both of us were a bit too casual about our dalliances so never put any real effort in.

 

I guess that after a few years, a distracted, distant spouse becomes the new normal and doesn't ring the bells is should.

Edited September 14, 2017 by waterwoman
spelling

[aileD]

They seem to find OW/OM who have more freedom in their lives and are able to be there on the drop of a dime. And when you add in the fantasyland and limerence, all the married person has to do is say "I'm going to run to the store, I'll be back in a bit" and if they have someone smitten enough to sit by the phone waiting and hoping for a chance to see their "soulmate", they will drop everything to fit into the voids. It's another way that the AP gets hooked, because sometimes (not all) time is limited and they will stop the important things in their life to be available for the chance to be with the MM/MW.

[Birdies]

I had an affair - not proud of it. I'm assuming your question is an honest one and not rhetorical, as some people here seem to think. ("By being a selfish jerk" isn't really an answer to the question.)

 

Short answer, I had a lot of spare time. My ex-husband worked out of town 4 days a week, often on weekends, and sometimes stayed overnight in the other town. I also work out of town many days a week for several months per year. So we spent a lot of time apart. When we were both home, we still didn't have a ton of time together. I have a "regular" internal clock, in that I get up in the morning and go to bed at night, whereas my exH is basically nocturnal. He is also a hobbyist musician, and even when both of us were in town at the same time, he spent a lot of time rehearsing and gigging. My friends used to joke about my "imaginary husband". Frankly I think he was glad when I stopped hassling him to get up and go do things with me on the weekends... by that time, I had someone else to do things with :/

 

Additionally, my AP and I work together. We'd meet up in the morning before work for coffee, take a lunch break, both stay late at work, etc.

 

It's a lot of work and a giant hassle TBH, on top of knowing that you're being a terrible terrible person. I can see how people think "Why would you ever do that?!?!" Likewise, I never ever thought I'd be in that situation, until I was.

Edited September 14, 2017 by Birdies

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, when I was a kid growing up, my father who had been a Scout Master in his younger days used to tell us a story about one of the Scout Cubs in his charge who had a bit of an ego. When in camp he would refuse to do the chores associated with camp duties like washing up cooking utensils and other onerous activities. Naturally he was disliked by the others and after a while most other cubs ostracized him.

 

One day he came running up to my father and cried out excitedly ' Sir Sir, I found out something important today'! My father calmed him down and asked him what the matter was. Since English was not his first language he blurted out " Sir, I found out if you want to do something you will can"! And there lies the answer to Bufo's question. Not only will you find the time you will find all the ways and means to do what you want. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

Maybe the question is who's supervising them at work!!

[Southwardbound]

The longer I read here, the more this question bothers me.

 

How do so many people find the time to have affairs?

 

I'm not inquiring about ONS affairs or even travel for work affairs. And I suppose the quickie in the locked office affairs don't require much investment of time.

 

But reading about multiple contact and LTA types leaves me scratching my old grey head in wonder. I never had the free time when working. And now I'm ineligible due to age .

 

I'm not looking for "how to" tips, so don't refer me to that Reddit site!

 

Don't those with families in an A recognize that the A is stealing time from the family?

 

Yep, I'm guilty in this LTA, as I do recognize I'm 'stealing time from MM's family.' But that 'stealing' happens because he wants it to. We text/ talk on phone everyday... throughout the day, when we aren't together. It doesn't matter if he's home with the family, or at work. When he's texting me, he's not communicating with her. Does she recognize this dent in communication with her H? You'd think after 2 1/2 years she would, I know I would if I was her. Does he talk with her about the same things he does with me? I don't know, maybe? My guess is not, cause how boring would that get to repeat the same conversation twice? Besides each individual brings different things to the table.

And yes, I'm of the ilk, that if you want to talk to someone, see someone - then you'll make the time. My MM says it's not always possible - the seeing bit, but on the communication side he always seems to find the time.

[merrmeade]

I had an affair - not proud of it. I'm assuming your question is an honest one and not rhetorical, as some people here seem to think. ("By being a selfish jerk" isn't really an answer to the question.)

All these posts represent all valid points and NO ONE who's felt the destruction of infidelity in any role (including everyone who's posted in this thread I think) can be accused of being facetious, rhetorical or disingenuous just because they respond with humor, cynicism or morbid detail. "How do they find the time?" Is a valid question bound to touch some nerves - just like questioning their motives elicited this one!

[bealigerent]

My exMM and I lived in different states and we didn't have much of a PA. But I took the crumbs of texts which would come during the work day. The only phone calls were when he was picking up his son from sports, his wife was out shopping, or when he was getting gas at Costco. So i either heard kids yelling , the fish tank in the living room, or "fill it up,please." Amazing how little I was satisfied with.

[cocorico]

Don't those with families in an A recognize that the A is stealing time from the family?

 

Sometimes "family time" is a myth. Sometimes it's not "stealing time", because the time spent in / on the A would not have been spent with the family / BS anyway - but on work (during or after hours), hobbies, or just by themselves reading, staring at a screen, or chillingmsome other way.

 

Sometimes it's precisely the lack of connection within a M (or a family) that drives the WS to seek it elsewhere, when their attempts to foster it within the M / family fail. It was certainly that way with my fMM. No need to "steal" time at all - the time hung heavy on his hands, and he would otherwise have spent it working.

[Whoknew30]

I nor my H ever missed family time due to our A. Mine was carried out when I had extra time & my husband was the same.

 

I don't know about anyone else but no one I personally know that's had an A, misses anything with their kids or spouse. Not trying to defend it, just saying I don't see many giving AP a lot of their actual time over their families.

[preraph]

By neglecting their families and/or work. Which is one big reason why having any expectations from someone cheating on their partner is foolhardy. Be careful what you wish for.

[RecentChange]

Ours wasn't as involved as many, and none of us had kids.... But we did really steal time away from our families or work.

 

We rode a commuter train every day for an hour, that was our time to chat.

 

Sometimes I skipped riding my horse, or he would skip climbing or the gym to make time.

 

Then of course there were the times our spouses were traveling or at a football game whatever.

[Mysterio]

Let me go beyond having the time to have an affair. I think that we all need to make a mental checklist within ourselves to make so that having a affair is non existent.

 

I am a single man. When I get involved with a woman. There is going to be no way I am going to have an affair, because my GF/Wife will be the best I ever had. From her personality to her grace/warmth and wit.

 

Thats why I think its taking longer for me to find a ideal woman. I want the best. I will have the best. As they will have the best of me as well. Thats the only time I actually think one should settle down with a woman/man.

 

If that means dating less and finding someone older so be it. Women who hit 30 may have to be a little bit more direct as to if they want kids or not, as they have a non choice bio clock to have kids. Other than that. For the guys. How bad is it really being single.

[RecentChange]

Let me go beyond having the time to have an affair. I think that we all need to make a mental checklist within ourselves to make so that having a affair is non existent.

 

I am a single man. When I get involved with a woman. There is going to be no way I am going to have an affair, because my GF/Wife will be the best I ever had. From her personality to her grace/warmth and wit.

 

 

You know, I would have NEVER guessed that I would cheat. I didn't stray for 14 years. Not a flirt, not a touch, heck I don't think I even noticed other men. My

 

Until I did cheat.

 

My husband checked the boxes (perhaps that is why we are still together and still in love).

 

It's hard to know the future with absolute certainty. You can vow to yourself that you will never cheat - but you will never be able to fully control your partner.