Single for life

[KrimzonWolf]

I've decided that I want to remain single my entire life. This is something that I have been thinking about for a while, the only issue is there is a part of me that still is desperate for attention from another human.

 

I'm a straight man, but I feel this discussion is for all genders. Every person I've ever felt something for has either A: rejected me, or B: dissapointed me. There is something in me that gets me attached to people very quickly for no real reason. Even a short 1 minute conversation can take place and I feel a connection to them.

 

I believe this is mostly because I was home schooled.

 

I met this girl a month ago. We had five dates and talked for over a hour every day for a month. Last week I was asked by my now ex-girlfriend if I wanted to stay at her place for a night. She wanted our relationship to become more physical, and I wasn't ready for that. So I said no I'm sorry and now we don't talk.

 

My beliefs have guided my life and have brought me to where I am in life, and I've always believed that character was the most important attribute in a partner, not their body. As I began to really think about why things didn't work out between me and my ex-girlfriend, I began to realize how futile my attempts had been now and in the past to find someone who believed the way I did.

 

I'm very old fashioned, and that's the main reason I didn't go spend the night with that girl. I have two female cousins, one is my age, and one is younger than me. Both of them got laid, and because their grandfather is a pastor, both of them got married to whoever they slept with. They are also both broke working two jobs and living with their parents with the kids and their spouses.

 

I love my cousins, and I applaud anyone who finds the love of their life early on. The one issue I have is simply a matter of financial stability, and how being with someone simply costs more money.

 

My heart is strongly disagreeing with this decision of being single. Ironically my heart also hurts whenever it gets broken, so I'm in a torn state of mind.

 

Thoughts?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've decided that I want to remain single my entire life. This is something that I have been thinking about for a while, the only issue is there is a part of me that still is desperate for attention from another human.

 

I'm a straight man, but I feel this discussion is for all genders. Every person I've ever felt something for has either A: rejected me, or B: dissapointed me. There is something in me that gets me attached to people very quickly for no real reason. Even a short 1 minute conversation can take place and I feel a connection to them.

 

I believe this is mostly because I was home schooled.

<snip>

 

Why do you think this has something to do with being home schooled? I was not home schooled and feel similarly. I went away with a friend over the weekend and two times I learned the life story of two complete strangers in less than five minutes simply by making eye contact. 91 year old Edith, a widow after 65 years of marriage haled from Denmark and has a super great life now with lots of friends. She taught me all the tricks to playing video poker! 50ish year old Bryan, a raging alcoholic with three grown kids (twin girls and a boy), married 25 years and divorced, just can't seem to kick the drinking. He even showed me his open heart surgery scar (completely unprompted ) before asking me on a date. I love connecting with people like this, no matter how short the time. My girlfriend I was with just rolls her eyes at me all the time lol. I think she'd much rather have me talking to eligible men .

 

You're completely all over the place in your post, OP. How old are you and how many relationships have you had?

Edited September 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Gaeta]

Krimzonewolf: You are 19 and not much different than many 19 year old males. You are searching for your place in this world and discovering the joy and hardship of relationships. You have not seen anything yet.

 

Today you feel lonely and tomorrow you'll be in a different state of mind. There is no rush of you being in a romantic relationship. There is a big wide world out there for you to discover so embrace it. Travel, build some character and you'll see love will come to you much easily.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I wonder if you really want to be single for life or if you're feeling disappointed by your experiences so far and are thus hopeless about how your future will turn out.

 

I am one of those people who do believe there is someone out there for everyone (or even multiple someones, if you meet enough people). Of course, it's not guaranteed you'll ever find "the one," but if you decided to stop looking then you do essentially guarantee your aloneness.

 

If you really do want companionship, I would advise taking a break from dating for a while if you're just discouraged right now. But I would encourage you to keep meeting people anyway and staying open to the possibility of love, because you never know who you're going to meet.

[KrimzonWolf]

Krimzonewolf: You are 19 and not much different than many 19 year old males. You are searching for your place in this world and discovering the joy and hardship of relationships. You have not seen anything yet.

 

Today you feel lonely and tomorrow you'll be in a different state of mind. There is no rush of you being in a romantic relationship. There is a big wide world out there for you to discover so embrace it. Travel, build some character and you'll see love will come to you much easily.

 

Lol you are right. Thank you for the encouragement everyone. I need to find another way to let off some steam without embarrassing myself online.

[kendahke]

 

I'm a straight man, but I feel this discussion is for all genders. Every person I've ever felt something for has either A: rejected me, or B: dissapointed me. .

 

IOW: they aren't infallible gods: they are human and they have clay feet.

 

I believe this is mostly because I was home schooled.

 

Welp....

 

I met this girl a month ago. We had five dates and talked for over a hour every day for a month. Last week I was asked by my now ex-girlfriend if I wanted to stay at her place for a night. She wanted our relationship to become more physical, and I wasn't ready for that. So I said no I'm sorry and now we don't talk.

 

Most likely for her and her relationships, they have to progress to a physical level in due course so she can know if she has got sexual compatibility with you. Nothing worse than being legally bound to someone who does not sexually satisfy you because "til death do you part..." is a very, very long time for someone to live miserably.

 

I'm very old fashioned, and that's the main reason I didn't go spend the night with that girl.

 

Wait. "That" girl was your girlfriend, not some streetwalker you picked up.

 

I have two female cousins, one is my age, and one is younger than me. Both of them got laid, and because their grandfather is a pastor, both of them got married to whoever they slept with. They are also both broke working two jobs and living with their parents with the kids and their spouses.

 

Had they not been forced to marry the guy and then had children, they probably would have finished their education at university and gotten advance degrees and been able to live in such a way that they were not at the mercy of their father or any other man for them and their children for a safe place to lay their head at night.

 

I love my cousins, and I applaud anyone who finds the love of their life early on. The one issue I have is simply a matter of financial stability, and how being with someone simply costs more money.

 

Being with someone who cannot earn enough to support themselves, let alone someone else, is the problem. Your financial well being with regards to being with someone only comes into play in this scenario when they are a financial liability going in, but you enter into the relationship anyway, despite knowing this.

 

My heart is strongly disagreeing with this decision of being single. Ironically my heart also hurts whenever it gets broken, so I'm in a torn state of mind.

 

Thoughts?

 

Everyone's heart hurts after being disappointed.

 

When you fell down after riding a bike or playing sports with your boys, did you stop riding or playing sports because you scraped your knee or elbows?

 

None of us are owed or guaranteed that the person that we have chosen as the target of our affection will reciprocate is the same measure. Every person is entitled to their preferences. Every person has a right to decide for themselves whether or not they wish to enter into a romantic exchange with someone; and no one is obligated to gut their own preferences for who they want to be with just because someone wants to be with them. Life does not work that way. None of us are owed what we want/how we want it/when we want it. If it happens, great; if it doesn't move on. There'll be someone else.

[kazen]

Krimzonwolf, what you wrote is as if I could have written it 20 yrs ago, minus the homeschooling. Now that I'm much older. I'll give you some words of advice so you don't waste too much time trying to figure things out.

 

First, rejection is inevitable and the pain of rejection can be soften over time when you change your perspective on it. Rejection can save you time from investing on the wrong girl. Rejection is also a great tool to help you reflect on what you could improve on. Never take rejection personal as there are many reasons you could have been rejected that is has little to do with you. Nowadays, I prefer to receive rejections than to live with regret of not knowing what would happen if I tried.

 

Over 90% of relationships ends. Don't be so shock or heartbroken when it does. It happens to everyone. The process of relationship is to meet the right person. I view relationships like a fancy expensive meal. I'll enjoy it when it's there but after it's done with, I don't cry about it, the bill will sting a little that's it. But the delicious memories will live on in my heart as part of my past. When my ex's find someone who are a better match for them, I am genuinely happy for them.

 

Look for a girl who has the same hobbies and values like you. That's important because those things will be the key to having a happy relationship. I made many mistakes on dating girls who are simply attractive disregarding our difference in interests and values. Find someone who is a giver. By that I mean someone who puts your happiness above theirs. You know you will do the same for her. Two givers make lifelong pairs. Avoid girls that complains a lot. They will make it appear it's your fault but the truth is they are selfish and immature.

 

Lastly, as you grow older, you'll find singlehood is pretty awesome. But it doesn't mean you should avoid relationships. You can enjoy them too. Most important thing is to have a life outside of relationship that you are equally passionate about. This will give you a lifelong happiness. I'm single at the moment and I'm happy. Last year, I was in a relationship and I was also happy. When you reach a state of mind that you're happy either way, it's freaking awesome.

[NexttP]

The one issue I have is simply a matter of financial stability, and how being with someone simply costs more money.

 

Actually being in a relationship saves you money. You only have to pay for one bedroom (property) not two. You pay for ~125% of your utility bills, not 200% If you get married, merged car insurance drops by at least 25%, upward 50%. I am not sure how health insurance is affected as it is usually through your employer. Filing tax as married in US only makes a difference if you make combined 178k+ a year, that's more than enough to live a very comfortable life. I'm not sure why people think being in a relationship cost money... unless they're just horrible with money to begin with.

 

When you're single, you work. When they're single they work. Why would they stop working just because they're in a relationship? Don't date people with no income unless you're prepared to provide for 2+ people.

 

In reality, one of the major reasons why people want relationships is an improvement to quality of life, money. It IS cheaper to live together/get married.

[carhill]

But, the shoes!

 

(OP, I was single for many years, and also married)

 

Humor helps.

[uncorked]

Oh good gracious, get out there and date!! What the heck? Why are we analyzing everything so much? As Mel would say: "Find a gurl. Ask her out. And be done with it already!!!"

 

Seriously. Be done with it already. GL.

[Imported]

Sounds good OP, don't let anyone tell you different.

 

 

 

On the flip side, relationships are not easy for me, but I am not giving up.

[somanymistakes]

Being single for life is fine if it's what makes you happy, but it doesn't sound like it actually DOES make you happy. It seems more like you had a very sheltered upbringing and aren't totally sure how to interact with people, so it's scary and hard and occasionally hurtful, but you really WANT to connect with others more.

 

Basically, slow down a little. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and you don't have all the answers yet. Don't feel forced to date because other people tell you to, don't feel forced NOT to date because you don't know how to do it perfectly either. Take things as they come, learn and grow from experiences as they come along.

 

Maybe you'll marry some day, maybe you won't. Both outcomes are perfectly fine ways to live.

 

Don't compromise your principles just because you're lonely. There are girls out there who will share more of your beliefs, but it can take time to find a good match. If you date someone, realise she's not a good match for you, and break up, that's not a failure. That's a success. Early dating is about learning about each other and finding out if you're a good pairing or not.

[spiderowl]

Hmm, the girl liked you. You chatted with her for ages and met a few times. She invites you over to stay, which suggests she really likes you and is interested in a physical relationship too and you turn her down. Whatever your beliefs are, you rejected her approach. She was probably hurt and offended. Of course you have every right to do that, but it is hard to see what your beliefs are and why they would stop you spending happy time with someone you appeared to like.

 

You are stopping yourself from getting physically close to a girl for some reason. Maybe you fear it; maybe you are repulsed at the idea. Whatever the reason, you don't seem to want women physically. That is why they don't think like you. Most women assume a man will want a woman physically at some point if he is attracted to her. Not wanting her physically means lack of attraction. It is as simple as that. It seems you just want friends not lovers. That is up to you, but I can see why being single seems the best option. Not many women would be happy with a lifelong sexless relationship.

Edited September 15, 2017 by spiderowl

[Springsummer]

This should be thread, but for different reasons.

 

but I stopped reading it seriously after I learnt OP is only 19.

 

holy smoke! what the heck do you really know at such an age? when I was that young, I practically knew nothing.

[aileD]

If you want to be single, it's your decision . But stay open to. Hangs. I don't even recognize the person I was at 19.

 

Also. EVERYONE will disappoint you somehow. You have to decide what disappointments you can overcome and which ones you can't. Someday you might find someone who fits despite not being perfect.

 

Good luck to you in life

[Redhead14]

I've decided that I want to remain single my entire life. This is something that I have been thinking about for a while, the only issue is there is a part of me that still is desperate for attention from another human.

 

I'm a straight man, but I feel this discussion is for all genders. Every person I've ever felt something for has either A: rejected me, or B: dissapointed me. There is something in me that gets me attached to people very quickly for no real reason. Even a short 1 minute conversation can take place and I feel a connection to them.

 

I believe this is mostly because I was home schooled.

 

I met this girl a month ago. We had five dates and talked for over a hour every day for a month. Last week I was asked by my now ex-girlfriend if I wanted to stay at her place for a night. She wanted our relationship to become more physical, and I wasn't ready for that. So I said no I'm sorry and now we don't talk.

 

My beliefs have guided my life and have brought me to where I am in life, and I've always believed that character was the most important attribute in a partner, not their body. As I began to really think about why things didn't work out between me and my ex-girlfriend, I began to realize how futile my attempts had been now and in the past to find someone who believed the way I did.

 

I'm very old fashioned, and that's the main reason I didn't go spend the night with that girl. I have two female cousins, one is my age, and one is younger than me. Both of them got laid, and because their grandfather is a pastor, both of them got married to whoever they slept with. They are also both broke working two jobs and living with their parents with the kids and their spouses.

 

I love my cousins, and I applaud anyone who finds the love of their life early on. The one issue I have is simply a matter of financial stability, and how being with someone simply costs more money.

 

My heart is strongly disagreeing with this decision of being single. Ironically my heart also hurts whenever it gets broken, so I'm in a torn state of mind.

 

Thoughts?

 

You are N I N E T E E N years old! And, while you may feel you know all you need to know, you have no idea what lies on the road to your future. Your knowledge and experience base is limited and your worldview, by default, is myopic. You ain't seen nothing yet and certainly not enough to make a decision to be single for the rest of your life.

 

My heart is strongly disagreeing with this decision of being single. -- Of course, it is. That's a huge decision and being made with a set of blinders on essentially.

 

Stop worrying about all this. Live your life. Have fun. Date nice young girls. Don't be intimate with them until you're comfortable about it and just see how things play out over the course of a long, long time. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't want to do. The girlfriend who left because you wouldn't be intimate with her, wasn't the one for you. And, let me remind you, that if a guy tried to pressure a woman into intimacy and dumped her because she wouldn't do that, we'd be calling him a jerk. She may have been hurt or insulted because she thought you found her unattractive, but that's her problem for being young and insecure and her self-esteem is validated because guys want to have sex with her. She's got a lot of growing up to do. You're on a path to being a strong, mature man. Do what's right for you always.

[preraph]

My advice as a 65 year old always single woman is: Live your life. Do not put your life on hold waiting for a partner to live it with. Do all the things you dream of. If you have to work 2 jobs in order to save up for the dream vacation or to buy the lake house or boat, DO it. If you don't want to travel and are going to stay home enough to take care of them properly, get a home with a fenced yard and a pet door and get a couple of dogs or a cat.

 

Live your life.

[The Urbanyst]

OP have you tried dating multiple women at once?

 

I have a similar problem where my interest in new people spikes high very fast and I can easily become too focused on them way too early. What has worked well for me is keeping busy and dating more than one woman at a time so that I don't stress over any of them too early.

 

People are so flaky these days, you have to find a way to create an emotional buffer-zone for new relationships lol.