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Being distant with my male co-workers just because I've a boyfriend?


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Hello, I'm working in IT section where most of my co-workers are males. I talk to them only about work related stuff. I never hang out with them outside of work, they do, plus they never asked me to hang out together. Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable around them just because I'm female. I'm afraid to start talking to them more because I'm afraid to catch feelings or that co-worker could catch feelings for me. After rejection it's would be even more awkward and to keep just friendship with males is hard, without wanting more...My boyfriend is very faithful to me, he doesn't have female friends, doesn't have female friends on his facebook friends list (I can see his fb friends list), he is working in job where all of his co-workers are much older than him, and mostly males too (some women too but they're much older than him, like ~20 years older) I told him I wouldn't be ok him having female friends, he told me he wouldn't be ok me having male friends.So what do you think it is good idea to distance myself from male co-workers or not?

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very much so, if they do some guy-like activity in leisure time, imo, they will not want a pretend-man (you) to try to participate

 

just work, you seem fine as things are, you make no waves, so they probably quite like you, or they would have surely made a remark or two by now, being grown men discussing work, as people do, even just amiably...

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somanymistakes

The problem is, of course, that if all the guys in the section hang out and exclude the OP, this is both very lonely and potentially bad for the work environment, if they end up discussing work things when together and she's not included.

 

You don't want to get too close, but you do need to keep an ear out to make sure people remember to loop you in on anything important that's happening in the business, or your career may suffer.

 

Not taking part in "the group" activities can lead to you being seen as not a team player, or being left out of projects, passed over for promotion, failing to get notified about upcoming events that "everyone" already knew about, etc.

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*sigh* I don't think I will ever understand people who are 'not okay' with their partner having opposite gender friends. Its one thing if maybe your partner is spending a lot of time with this person not in your presence but how do you know they aren't cheating on you regardless if you expect them to not have any female or male friends? Exactly. You don't.

 

But hey if that's something you both value and agree upon then more power to you guys I guess. In my opinion I wouldn't even worry about it or make it an issue. Its normal for people to develop admiration for other people regardless if you're in a relationship or not. And if it so happens that this admiration develops into more serious feelings, well, hopefully you will make the most appropriate decision (either stop talking to the guy or leave your boyfriend for this new guy). Believe me, though, regardless of what people tell you it is very possible for 2 opposite gender people to remain just friends and nothing more, REGARDLESS of how much time you spend together. Is it common? No. But it's not unheard of.

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This isn't that hard. You be polite and professional. You don't encourage any lascivious office talk or flirting. You can come right out and say, "My boyfriend and I are very happy, thanks." That doesn't mean you can't be warm and helpful, but don't go asking about their personal business or tell them yours. Don't involve them in your personal life. Keep the subjects impersonal.

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This isn't that hard. You be polite and professional. You don't encourage any lascivious office talk or flirting. You can come right out and say, "My boyfriend and I are very happy, thanks." That doesn't mean you can't be warm and helpful, but don't go asking about their personal business or tell them yours. Don't involve them in your personal life. Keep the subjects impersonal.

 

Why do you feel that way out of curiosity?

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You're doing the right thing. I have a male coworker who keeps to himself (his wife is the jealous type and he wants to keep her happy) and it's fine. I think he's doing the right thing and no one hates him for it. Yeah, we all go out after work and he doesn't come, but no one is crying about it or missing him. It is accepted and respected.

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I think this is bit out of insecurity & narcissism. So bc you have male coworkers you assume they're going to want you sexually? How does that even factor into your head for absolutely no reason? So every guy you think you're friendly with is going to want to date you, even after you tell them you have a boyfriend? This logic is just really odd considering you're not planned on going out or partying with these guys.

 

This isn't an issue if you stay professional...that doesn't mean not talking or ever having a friendly work relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I would advise both you & your boyfriend to only work around those of the same sex if you're both too insecure to trust each other at work.

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I think this is bit out of insecurity & narcissism. So bc you have male coworkers you assume they're going to want you sexually? How does that even factor into your head for absolutely no reason? So every guy you think you're friendly with is going to want to date you, even after you tell them you have a boyfriend? This logic is just really odd considering you're not planned on going out or partying with these guys.

 

This isn't an issue if you stay professional...that doesn't mean not talking or ever having a friendly work relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I would advise both you & your boyfriend to only work around those of the same sex if you're both too insecure to trust each other at work.

 

Seriously the notion that all guys are gonna try to sleep with someone just because they're a woman is getting really old and pretty ****ing insulting honestly.

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Seriously the notion that all guys are gonna try to sleep with someone just because they're a woman is getting really old and pretty ****ing insulting honestly.

 

insulting for whom and why?

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insulting for whom and why?

 

It's just one of those stereotypes that I'm getting tired of hearing. It's really no different than assuming that all black people know how to play basketball/rap/etc. Sure some stereotypes are stereotypes because they're true, and to be fair I would say the majority of guys don't view women as just friends sadly, but people seriously assume this applies to all people of this certain background/identity. People don't seem to know how to judge people based on who they are as an individual and not a group. *shrug*

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Hello, I'm working in IT section where most of my co-workers are males. I talk to them only about work related stuff. I never hang out with them outside of work, they do, plus they never asked me to hang out together. Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable around them just because I'm female. I'm afraid to start talking to them more because I'm afraid to catch feelings or that co-worker could catch feelings for me. After rejection it's would be even more awkward and to keep just friendship with males is hard, without wanting more...My boyfriend is very faithful to me, he doesn't have female friends, doesn't have female friends on his facebook friends list (I can see his fb friends list), he is working in job where all of his co-workers are much older than him, and mostly males too (some women too but they're much older than him, like ~20 years older) I told him I wouldn't be ok him having female friends, he told me he wouldn't be ok me having male friends.So what do you think it is good idea to distance myself from male co-workers or not?

 

 

Co-workers are co-workers. There is nothing wrong with it if you trust your spouse. Keep the relationships professional and cool, but you don't have to distance yourself from them.

 

If the two of you are not okay with having opposite sex friendships I see a red flag there.

 

Men know other women. Women know other men. Plutonically. That is one mistake I have made throughout my relationships. Saying hey, this is not right. It is not wrong to have female or male companions, as long as the relationship is kept resepctful.

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I believe your thinking is too binary. While I agree that being close friends with someone of the opposite sex can get murky, there's nothing wrong with simply being friendly.

 

One can be friendly and have laugh with co-workers without crossing boundaries. The key is to keep the boundaries in place. If you don't flirt and don't discuss sex, don't go out for 1:1 lunches and dinners or become someone's personal sounding board, it will be fine. In short, be like one of the guys and you'll be fine.

 

I agree with the poster who said that you are at risk of not being seen as a team player if you continue like this. If you work in a male dominated field (good for you!), you will have to learn how to be cool with them without crossing boundaries.

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I believe your thinking is too binary. While I agree that being close friends with someone of the opposite sex can get murky, there's nothing wrong with simply being friendly.

 

One can be friendly and have laugh with co-workers without crossing boundaries. The key is to keep the boundaries in place. If you don't flirt and don't discuss sex, don't go out for 1:1 lunches and dinners or become someone's personal sounding board, it will be fine. In short, be like one of the guys and you'll be fine.

 

I agree with the poster who said that you are at risk of not being seen as a team player if you continue like this. If you work in a male dominated field (good for you!), you will have to learn how to be cool with them without crossing boundaries.

 

Meh I know of some people where it isn't a problem honestly. I think it really only becomes a problem if the partner hangs out with the friend without the partner on a consistent basis or isn't introduced to this friend in the first place.

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Work friends are vastly different then "real" friends. You can talk to your colleagues about work & certain non work topics -- the weather, the local sports teams, current events & to a limited extent certain personal stuff.

 

I work in a male dominated field too. I know colleagues' birthday & anniversaries. All the guys ask my input about what they get their wives & GFs for gifts. Sometimes I have lunch with the guys. I rarely speak to them outside office hours but when I do it's always about work, although we have all been known to check in during times of disaster -- 9/11; hurricanes; snow storms etc. It's human not flirty. I know their wives & GFs; my husband has met all of them. Many of them came to my wedding. Everybody weighs in on colors & patterns when people are doing home renovation projects. We trade recipes & restaurant recommendations. When somebody goes on vacation, we bring back treats for the office. Basically, we're friendly.

 

You don't have to isolate yourself. You can be congenial. You can't stand or sit too close, gaze lovingly into each other's eyes, make sexy comments or spend too much time alone behind closed doors.

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I would like to add that it is okay to do so, as long as there is mutual trust and respect in the relationship.

 

If someone is devious, prone to flirting, prone to cheating, not acknowledging their relationship in a respectful way to others, that I can see why someone would disapprove.

 

In my first marriage, I was happy until things turned for the worst. I had a somewhat happy marriage until a brain hemmhorage completely changed my husband and he became violent. I have been told it was pressure on the brain affecting the frontal lobe or something. . .

 

Anyway, we both had friends. He could leave me alone with a man and not bat an eye or worry about it at all, and I the same with him. I used to send him out to go pick up my friends for me, and he would leave his in our home while I entertained with food and beer, so he could make a beer run or another food run. There was never any problem with that. I loved him dearly until after his brain changed and he was a different person. It was aweful.

 

Every single relationship I have had since then has been an some ass that is great at hiding his true self and then **** hits the fan and I walk.

I have had to ask every single time for them not to have relationships with other women, but I also did not trust them, and with good reason. They are relationships I should have never been in to begin with.

 

As long as there is mutual trust and respect there should never be any issue with the friends.

 

You are just feeding your trust issues and creating a very lonely and what will later become a bitter environment.

 

Just my 2.

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There is no reason to have opposite sex friends

when in a relationship.

 

Being friendly and pleasant while being professional

at work is the way to go. Work is not hanging out at

the bar paling around.

 

Remember being friendly is not the same as being

friends.

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somanymistakes
There is no reason to have opposite sex friends

when in a relationship.

 

There's no reason to have same-sex friends when in a relationship either.

 

Frankly there's no reason to have any sort of friends at any point in time, whether you're in a relationship or not. After all, what do 'friends' contribute to the betterment of the species? If they're not reproducing with you, they are irrelevant.

 

I suppose if you argue that making 'friends' is solely about shopping for a potential mate, then it makes sense to gather opposite-sex friends while you are not in a relationship and drop them as soon as you find one.

 

Same-sex friends would be entirely useless at any time.

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There's no reason to have same-sex friends when in a relationship either.

 

Frankly there's no reason to have any sort of friends at any point in time, whether you're in a relationship or not. After all, what do 'friends' contribute to the betterment of the species? If they're not reproducing with you, they are irrelevant.

 

I suppose if you argue that making 'friends' is solely about shopping for a potential mate, then it makes sense to gather opposite-sex friends while you are not in a relationship and drop them as soon as you find one.

 

Same-sex friends would be entirely useless at any time.

 

Spouse is to be the number one friend.

 

Though nothing wrong having same sex friends as

long as the spouse gets precedent.

 

Example wife still works husband retired

Wife does not like fishing

Husband and friend go fishing while wife is at work

 

Having a good marriage does not mean the wife

and husband must share every recreational

activity.

 

Husband likes to fish.

Milf next door, single, married, divorced,

who cares, she likes to fish.

Husband does not need to go fishing with her.

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I have the opposite problem, having worked mostly with women in the last few years. (I think I haven't had a male boss in seven years.) In either case, I socialize with them, even if wine bars may not be my thing, because it is your professional network, and your job may depend on it one day.

 

I would try to calmly explain to your boyfriend that some degree of socializing is more or less required in order to further a career.

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somanymistakes
Spouse is to be the number one friend.

 

Though nothing wrong having same sex friends as

long as the spouse gets precedent.

 

Example wife still works husband retired

Wife does not like fishing

Husband and friend go fishing while wife is at work

 

Having a good marriage does not mean the wife

and husband must share every recreational

activity.

 

Husband likes to fish.

Milf next door, single, married, divorced,

who cares, she likes to fish.

Husband does not need to go fishing with her.

 

If he doesn't need to go fishing with her, he doesn't need to go fishing with anyone. Spouse comes first, after all.

 

Many people are not 100% heterosexual. Even straight men have been known to fool around with a male friend on a long fishing/ranching trip, far from home, with a few beers in them.

 

Clearly if you want to avoid all temptation you must avoid all human interaction.

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Thank you for your comments guys. I never ignore anyone on purpose. There are more girls at my work but they're working in packaging and no one invite them to join guys during lunch break either. Now it's sounds more like guys only hang out, there's one guy who is working in packaging too (like those girls do) but that guy is always being invited to join guys during lunch break. And it's our director who always asking guys for hang out during lunch breaks and he is only asking guys, never asks girls, earlier his fiance worked with him so he asked her to join them but now she left job but still he invites only guys. Sounds more like guys only business, no place for girls there, something like that.

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Well maybe you can make friends with the women in packaging if you need lunch partners. I don't think it's odd that the majority of workers are men and they like to go to lunch without you. It sounds normal. Your bf has nothing to worry about as I'm sure these guys aren't going to risk losing their job over some woman working in their department.

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Thank you for your comments guys. I never ignore anyone on purpose. There are more girls at my work but they're working in packaging and no one invite them to join guys during lunch break either. Now it's sounds more like guys only hang out, there's one guy who is working in packaging too (like those girls do) but that guy is always being invited to join guys during lunch break. And it's our director who always asking guys for hang out during lunch breaks and he is only asking guys, never asks girls, earlier his fiance worked with him so he asked her to join them but now she left job but still he invites only guys. Sounds more like guys only business, no place for girls there, something like that.

 

Why does this bother you that all of the guys go out to lunch together?

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Meh I know of some people where it isn't a problem honestly. I think it really only becomes a problem if the partner hangs out with the friend without the partner on a consistent basis or isn't introduced to this friend in the first place.

 

Your second sentence is exactly what I'm trying to describe when I write "close friends". Like if one of the workmates becomes her BFF

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