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Want what you can't have?


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Cookiesandough

Does anyone have this problem when you can't have someone (within reason) you want them like 10x more. As soon as they reciprocate, your interest drops quite bit?

 

Like you really want to someone to ask you out, but as soon as they do, you're contemplating whether or not you want to go and feel anxious? Or you really want a relationship with someone you and they are hesitant because your eagerness, but when they start to reciprocate your feelings you begin to feel pressured or less interested? Or when you are broken up with your ex you think all you want is to have them back, but you get back together you start to feel stressed again. What is this? Is it some kind of disorder? Too idealistic?

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I use to be that way especially with the panic of them after we broke up and having to try to let them go for good.

 

If you focus on the really bad crap about them while focusing on the really great things about you it'll make it easier to manage and move on.

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littleblackheart

It looks like it may be a major case of avoidance.

 

Or just your gut feeling telling you it's not going to work.

 

I think if you don't go for it for whatever reason, then it's simply not meant to be at that point.

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Cookiesandough
I use to be that way especially with the panic of them after we broke up and having to try to let them go for good.

If you focus on the really bad crap about them while focusing on the really great things about you. it'll make it easier to manage and move on.

 

Yesss, exactly. Thank you. And oh, well, that should be easy. *flips hair*

 

 

It looks like it may be a major case of avoidance.

 

Or just your gut feeling telling you it's not going to work.

 

I think if you don't go for it for whatever reason, then it's simply not meant to be at that point.

 

 

Yes I think you're right. A lot of times it's probably avoidance/anxiety. You feel it's doomed to fail. The loss of attraction is harder to explain.

 

 

Thanks both for your perspectives ?

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Does anyone have this problem when you can't have someone (within reason) you want them like 10x more. As soon as they reciprocate, your interest drops quite bit? [/Quote]

 

No, I'm the opposite, meaning that attraction (and arousal) is somewhat of a reflection. Things escalate very strongly and quickly if I meet a like-minded person. With most other people I'd move more slowly, and you would probably confuse me.

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I used to be this way with guys when I was younger. I would crush on someone so hard for weeks/months and when I finally got their attention I felt so anxious and realized that I wasn't attracted to the person at all. This is when I was teenager though. Although it definitely felt that way a couple of times while dating.. as soon as I realized a guy had given up on me I thought about all the ways he may have been perfect for me :rolleyes: However being older helps with this, I was never tempted to contact them again, I knew it would just be for an ego boost which wouldn't be fair to the guy at all.

 

Also, when me and my current boyfriend first started dating, he would send me these long texts every morning, they were always really cute but I thought it was a bit much and I was slightly turned off. One morning he didn't contact me first, he started work at 6am, and by noon I was freaking out thinking that I did something wrong and I realized that I really did like him and I was looking for ways to be turned off because I wasn't ready for a boyfriend yet. Once I set him a text he responded right away and was his usual sweet self. Thinking of it now, I'm sure he was testing my interest level.. and it worked! :lmao:

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Cookiesandough

I did not mean to do the eye roll emoji lol That's supposed to be a smile. It's right next to the smile because those are my main emojis

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Cookiesandough
No, I'm the opposite, meaning that attraction (and arousal) is somewhat of a reflection. Things escalate very strongly and quickly if I meet a like-minded person. With most other people I'd move more slowly, and you would probably confuse me.

 

That makes sense. That sounds healthy. But have never felt like you like a womam more than she likes you or when she is a little bit more keen, you felt a little less interested? Or maybe you can't put it down to that being the cause even if it happened.

 

 

 

I used to be this way with guys when I was younger. I would crush on someone so hard for weeks/months and when I finally got their attention I felt so anxious and realized that I wasn't attracted to the person at all. This is when I was teenager though. Although it definitely felt that way a couple of times while dating.. as soon as I realized a guy had given up on me I thought about all the ways he may have been perfect for me :rolleyes: However being older helps with this, I was never tempted to contact them again, I knew it would just be for an ego boost which wouldn't be fair to the guy at all.

 

Also, when me and my current boyfriend first started dating, he would send me these long texts every morning, they were always really cute but I thought it was a bit much and I was slightly turned off. One morning he didn't contact me first, he started work at 6am, and by noon I was freaking out thinking that I did something wrong and I realized that I really did like him and I was looking for ways to be turned off because I wasn't ready for a boyfriend yet. Once I set him a text he responded right away and was his usual sweet self. Thinking of it now, I'm sure he was testing my interest level.. and it worked! :lmao:

Haha that's hilarious about your boyfriend. I can see myself feeling the exact same way. ? That's cute

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Cookiesanddough

 

The crux of your dating problems stem from the fact that you don't seem to know what you want. A great guy messages you on OLD & you refused to write back because he's "out of your league." You go through all the trouble of reconnecting with some guy you ghosted years ago only to ghost him again. (On that one, karma is going to bite you in the tail. You need to practice the Golden Rule -- treat others the way you would want to be treated)

 

When you figure out what you want & set your course, you will have an easier time.

 

That said in college I had dating ADD. I was (& still am) such a nerd in HS. Boys didn't bother with me. But in college, everybody was smart so being smart didn't set me apart. Now all of sudden boys paid attention. I flitted from one boy to the next. It was fun until the boy got serious. At that point, I was out the door. I was young. It was college. Eventually I grew up & settled down. When I figured out what I wanted & went after it, everything was fine.

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Does anyone have this problem when you can't have someone (within reason) you want them like 10x more. As soon as they reciprocate, your interest drops quite bit?

 

 

I think that's more of a female problem. When a women reciprocate, us men get even more excited and our interest rise.

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i've definitely been there before. i'd have a crush on a guy or think he was cute, flirt and be charming but the moment the guy would reciprocate or would want to turn it into something more serious, i'd bail and lose interest. for me, it was because i was more interested in the game of it all. plus, like d0nnievain, i had college dating ADD, haha.

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I think that's more of a female problem. When a women reciprocate, us men get even more excited and our interest rise.

 

lol you have no idea. I actually wrote something about this once upon a time that was completely unpalatable to game-aware men.

 

Consider the best practice of waiting 48 hours before following up on a number. This is such mainstream game that I knew it when I was 16 without any internet access. It's a basic part of popular culture.

 

This is a push. Attraction is created in the push.

 

Women need push/pull. It's a fundamental part of attraction. It's literally the basis of game.

 

I can go into why this is, but I'm not going to :D

 

The average man is simply happy to be getting sex on the regular from a woman with agreeable bone-structure.

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Yes, I often feel like that Cookies. Having read some of your past posts, I get the impression it is a pattern for you. You seem to get stressed when someone shows interest in you and back out or behave in such a way as to cause them to give up. If you want to be with someone eventually and be happy with them you might need to examine this pattern to see what causes you to back out.

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I definitely like who I like but when I was younger I would continue liking guys who didn't like me. Then I learned that that sucked and didn't end up well, so now if I guy I like doesn't like me back it makes my blood run cold and I become put off by him. This is probably a form of some sort of PTSD.

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Does anyone have this problem when you can't have someone (within reason) you want them like 10x more.

 

No, cant say that I have. I never thump-thimp over a female. But when I was in my 20s-30s I only talked to females I thought I would never have a chance with in a million years...

 

Guess who I ended up with? :laugh:

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