Have you ever traveled alone (without your partner)?

[LostandLonging]

It’s my birthday in a few weeks and I am taking the week off work.

 

An early gift I received from my sister was a travel voucher for an airline. She knows how much I love to travel but because of the mortgage my partner and I have on our home she knows I don’t get to do it nearly as often as I’d like so she thought she’s give me a helping hand. I usually receive money from my parents (around $500) so I thought the hell with it, I will use this money to travel somewhere nice.

 

I’ve always wanted to travel alone, and have decided to fly to a part of Australia (where I live) that I’ve never seen. It is still in my state, about an hour and a half’s plane ride. I am going for 2 days.

 

When I told my partner about this he completely hit the roof and asked me what people would say say about me travelling alone without him. He thinks it is unusual I am not going with him or friends.

 

I cherish my alone time very much but don’t get more than an hour to myself every day. He finishes work early and is always home by the time I get home.

 

I would absolutely encourage him to travel alone if the roles were reversed. I strongly believe in maintaining your own identity and independence when you’re in a relationship. You don’t always have to be joined at the hip.

 

Is it so wrong to want to take a couple of days away on my own?

Edited August 6, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Daisy2013]

I didn't travel "alone," per se, but I just got back from a 7 day international vacation with my best friend since middle school - I'm 50. In fact, it was pretty much my first vacation ever as an adult except the time I took my girls to be beach when my oldest graduated HS. My husband has no interest going anywhere and never took me anywhere.

 

When we made plans the prior year, I told him he was welcome to go, but he said no. As it drew close, the tantrums started. Almost ruined my trip. But we went and had a blast and are hoping to do another. He settled down and was nice when I returned.

 

I think it is perfectly ok if the spouse is ok with it. Had mine said no when planning, I might not have. But, our marriage is different than many others - - we kind of just exist and do our own thing. Were we in a normal marriage, I might not have gone without him. I wouldn't have wanted to - - internationally, at least.

[LostandLonging]

I didn't travel "alone," per se, but I just got back from a 7 day international vacation with my best friend since middle school - I'm 50. In fact, it was pretty much my first vacation ever as an adult except the time I took my girls to be beach when my oldest graduated HS. My husband has no interest going anywhere and never took me anywhere.

 

When we made plans the prior year, I told him he was welcome to go, but he said no. As it drew close, the tantrums started. Almost ruined my trip. But we went and had a blast and are hoping to do another. He settled down and was nice when I returned.

 

I think it is perfectly ok if the spouse is ok with it. Had mine said no when planning, I might not have. But, our marriage is different than many others - - we kind of just exist and do our own thing. Were we in a normal marriage, I might not have gone without him. I wouldn't have wanted to - - internationally, at least.

 

I’m not sure what you mean by a normal marriage.

 

We just exist and do our own things as well. I am often off doing things with friends on weekends. Even at home we are in separate rooms for most of the time, doing separate things.

 

My partner doesn’t get to “say no” to me as he is not my father. If he had sat me down and told me he really didn’t want me to go then I wouldn’t, but he seems more concerned about what other people will say about my spending a few days alone. I couldn’t give two hoots what other people say, personally. Let them talk.

 

I am concerned the tantrums are going to start as my time away draws closer too.

 

As I said my time alone is VERY important to me and he doesn't seem to understand this. He takes it so personally.

[5x5]

I am concerned the tantrums are going to start as my time away draws closer too.

 

As I said my time alone is VERY important to me and he doesn't seem to understand this. He takes it so personally.

 

Well perhaps he should grow up and stop being so insecure, this isn't about him and he should appreciate that. If he doesn't appreciate that you should afford him that time to think about why he ought to grow up.

 

My wife and I are sometimes apart for a few days at time throughout any year for work, so she will attend a conference or three in a nice location. While I will be away for work around six times a year (sometimes in nice locations). Plus when I used to be in the Australian Army which I left in the first half of 2004, it was normal for me to often be away for a few days, a few weeks through to a few months.

 

Both of us enjoy sharing holidays together, yet we do enjoy our time apart and find it a great way to recharge away from the kids, each other and absent the day to day at home.

 

Enjoying some time apart hasn't prevented us from enjoying a great relationship through 21 years with 18 years of marriage.

[ZayKayWill]

I agree with you, OP. Alone time is very very important. Just because you're married or in a relationship doesn't mean you can't still be your own person. Sadly when it comes to relationships some things will need to be compromised but I don't think this should be one of them. I actually think it's detrimental to not have a life outside just you and your partner. Won't be long until you start doing literally everything your partner wants and not what you personally would want.

 

A lot of marriages and relationships actually fail because couples don't get enough space and/or their partner isn't capable of having a life outside of just their partner. If some couples prefer to do everything with their partner and that works in their favor, well, more power to them I guess. But people need their space, no matter how close they are to each other. I actually can briefly recall reading an article that states that some of the happiest and most successful relationships/marriages are ones in which they occasionally take separate vacations from each other AND they even have their own rooms/space like you were saying earlier. Say the word and I'll happily link you to the article.

 

I gotta ask though is he really hellbent on you going without him SIMPLY because he's worried people will talk/gossip/get the wrong idea? He needs to get over that if that's the case IMHO. This is your marriage. You guys can live it however you want. Why is he so hellbent that people will say bad things because you don't do the 'traditional' thing that most couples do? I'm more surprised he's not worried about you cheating honestly. And I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but if there's anything someone would complain about in this situation, it would most likely be that.

 

If he doesn't want you to go because of 'what people will say' you need to talk to him and figure out why it bothers him so much. If he's worried about you cheating...well I'm really not sure what to tell you here. Even if things are 100% innocuous people sadly will assume the worst even if there is no reason to. There are plenty of guys (and girls) out there who wouldn't think twice about your actions. If I was your husband I'd kiss you on the cheek and tell you to have a good time. I truly value my alone time as well, so I completely understand. But the cold hard truth is...sometimes we need to cater to our partners feelings even if it does seem ridiculous.

 

I personally wouldn't even get with someone who wouldn't be able to trust that I just want my own space. For the next relationship I get in I plan to lay all my needs/boundaries etc on the table right away so there's no confusion or hurt feelings down the road. It could be very possible that you're doing something shady I guess, but eh either he trusts you or he doesn't. You're going alone because you just value your own space, which is completely normal and sadly I guess a lot of people have trouble understanding. But I mean it's not like you're going with other guy friends and are intentionally ditching him.

 

Not sure what else I can really offer here. Sadly it just sounds like you 2 aren't compatible in this part of your relationship. It all comes down to how the conversation ends when you 2 finish up discussing it. Good luck to ya...this kind of thing of 'going on vacation with friends without your partner or simply just going by yourself' seems to cause a lot of problems between couples sadly.

[Popsicle]

When I was married I was allowed to visit family, but go on vacation? No way. He would've never allowed that.

 

Now that I am single I have travelled alone and enjoyed it. I did happen to have a boyfriend at the time but we were on the rocks at that time, and I had booked the trip before we met. He grumbled a little about it and I did invite him (would have loved for him to go) but he decided against it. I ultimately went alone and had planned it that way when I booked it.

 

I do plan to travel alone again, considering that I'm single, but it might be different if I weren't single.

[LostandLonging]

I do plan to travel alone again, considering that I'm single, but it might be different if I weren't single.

 

Why?

 

I am concerned you use the term "allowed". Were you in a controlling relationship?

[LostandLonging]

Thank you for taking the time to write your amazing response, ZayKayWill! You understand perfectly.

[Popsicle]

Why?

 

I am concerned you use the term "allowed". Were you in a controlling relationship?

 

Well yeah, but that's not a problem anymore. We divorced.

[Steve51]

I work for an international company that required me to travel 3 months out of every year until I was 55. I travelled to most of the 20 countries and 27 States I have been to, without my wife. I never cheated and neither did she. We spoke every day over the phone. There was no internet or Skype in my time. I had to call on a landline. In a way it was nice to travel along but also lonely at times.

 

The way I see it is that if my wife was going to cheat if I was gone, she would have cheated when I was home too. Most of the men and women I travelled with, including my male and female bosses, cheated.

 

When I joined the Army and was away for a few months, my fiance of 5 years cheated on me and when I found out, we broke up. She has gone on to cheat on other boyfriends and her husband. She is now married to a woman. I dodged a bullet because if we married as planned, I would have been away from her for 3 months of every year and the marriage would not have lasted.

[d0nnivain]

I was never brave enough to travel completely alone but I have done short trips with friends without DH. He travels for business & was supposed to have a long weekend with his military buddies this past weekend but his flight got cancelled.

 

I think your partner is afraid that you are trying to get away from him rather then your stated desire to travel toward a small adventure.

 

Would you be wiling to comprise: part of a trip without him & part with him/ As much as you want some alone time in a relationship sometimes you still need to provide reassure to your SO.

[DKT3]

It's important to have alone time, but it seems like you're not interested in together time. I think if you actually spent time together this get-a-way may be a non issue. Maybe I misread, but sounds like you have plenty of alone time. Maybe your looking to be single, alot of alone time available then. Not to mention, you won't be alone, just not with your husband...just asking, how many of these people your husband is worried about outside opinions on are male?

[Novz]

 

When I told my partner about this he completely hit the roof and asked me what people would say say about me travelling alone without him. He thinks it is unusual I am not going with him or friends.

 

 

Is it so wrong to want to take a couple of days away on my own?

 

Advance Happy birthday to you LostandLonging

 

About your partner's reaction of what others might think of you travelling without him is not surprising.

 

I also love to travel so much. Though I've never tried going out of the country, but my country, Philippines, has so many places worth visiting/ going for! 7,700 islands?

 

I have traveled with colleagues, HS Bestfriends& classmates, College best friends, sisters and family, and on two occasions with my boyfriend. But, I have never traveled alone. Going on a solo trip would be a crazy idea but worth trying for! You should go!

 

Talk to your partner and make him realize how important this for you. Also, what you feel should matter than what others will think. For as long as you are sincere in this endeavor. Goooo!

Edited August 7, 2017 by Novz

[central]

I would go alone, and I have done so occasionally in the past. My wife has, as well, and I have no issue with this at all. It would also be okay to travel with same sex friends. Sometimes, you just need to get away by yourself. Being married does not mean being joined at the hip.

 

 

Go, enjoy it. Your husband's views are wrong.

[Gaeta]

I am in a relationship and just coming back from a 7 day trip without my bf.

 

The man that would *forbid* me to do anything isn't born yet.

 

I am 51 years old. I was married years ago, I have been in many relationships and not all of them were good and functional but NEVER would I let a man dictate me where I can or cannot go without him.

[carhill]

Yeah, seems pretty different to me. Back when I was married both exW and I traveled alone; it was common if our schedules didn't match up. I flew to Australia a couple times alone and went to NZ alone and once to Singapore for a F1 race. We also, more commonly, traveled together.

 

Couple days away at a place a couple hours away by plane? Hey, go have fun.

[Els]

When I told my partner about this he completely hit the roof and asked me what people would say say about me travelling alone without him

Your partner flipped out over you traveling without him for 2 days??? And there is no other male involved in the travel, correct?

 

I would be very concerned in your position. He sounds extremely controlling. Re: the bolded, I would assume you two are from a very traditional culture (possibly Asian/Middle Eastern)?

 

That being said, my SO and I are from a traditional culture as well, and we carry on our traditions in many ways, but I am still encouraged to travel alone whenever I have the opportunity, if he is unable to come. If I made a regular habit out of going away for weeks or months all the time and turning him down if he asked to come, or if I was going away with another man, then yes of course he'd be concerned. But 2 days for a solo trip, he'd be all for it. This year I was overseas alone for a couple of weeks. So even a traditional culture is not really an excuse, given that both of you are living in Australia.

 

Really... I honestly can't imagine that ANYONE in Australia would be concerned about "what other people would say" about their partner going on a solo trip for all of 2 days - or that anyone would even have anything to say about it other than "Oh, cool, hope she enjoys it"!! That sounds absolutely loony to me.

Edited August 7, 2017 by Elswyth

[Poutrew]

You call him your partner, but in what way is he actually a 'partner'? You sleep in separate bedrooms. Do you have sex? Is it just a platonic arraignment? Personally, it seems you two are on separate pages here... would you have no problem if he decided to go to Rio alone for Carnival, or New Orleans for Mardi Gras? A partnership to me means two people who actually enjoy each other's company and companionship. Sounds to me like your partner is closer to my way of thinking than you are.... my advice is to perhaps look into separating and cooling it off with him, because I can almost guarantee these arguments are not going to go away. You BOTH deserve to be with partners who are on the same page you are on...

[Els]

would you have no problem if he decided to go to Rio alone for Carnival, or New Orleans for Mardi Gras?

 

Why are you picking those as comparison? The OP isn't exactly going to Vegas to party it up. A more accurate comparison would be the partner wanting to go on a weekend fishing or hunting trip by himself once in a blue moon.

 

A partnership to me means two people who actually enjoy each other's company and companionship

Enjoying someone's companionship doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip 24/7. Most long term couples are able to live their lives as individuals for, like, one weekend a year (which is really what the OP is proposing).

[Poutrew]

Why are you picking those as comparison? The OP isn't exactly going to Vegas to party it up. A more accurate comparison would be the partner wanting to go on a weekend fishing or hunting trip by himself once in a blue moon.

 

I think they're good examples. If I want to go fishing for the weekend, I would drive 1 hour from my home to get to a fishing hole, I don't need to get in a jet and fly to another country...

 

Enjoying someone's companionship doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip 24/7. Most long term couples are able to live their lives as individuals for, like, one weekend a year (which is really what the OP is proposing).

 

It sounds to me as if the OP is changing the rules of the relationship mid-stride. That's unfair. It actually doesn't matter about the exact circumstances... If I knew my gf didn't like going out to bars when I started seeing her, and for 2 years she expressed no interest to go bar hopping, then suddenly she springs "I'm going bar hopping with my at work girlfriends so don't wait up for me..." I would have every right to be upset. Now, she is a big girl and I have no right to forbid her to go, but there would be consequences to our relationship as I would react in such a way that would make me feel good, namely to re-examine my future with this girl...

[LostandLonging]

Would you be wiling to comprise: part ofa trip without him & part with him/ As much as you want some alone time ina relationship sometimes you still need to provide reassure to your SO.

 

Honestly, no. I'm entitled to alone time without having to make him feel special.

 

You call him your partner, but in what way is he actually a 'partner'? You sleep in separate bedrooms.

 

Where did I say that?

 

I said:

 

Even at home we are in separate rooms for most of the time, doing separate things.

 

He runs an eBay business so is often in our spare room working, I am usually in another room reading or watching television. Where did you get separate beds?

 

Enjoying someone's companionship doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip 24/7.Most long term couples are able to live their lives as individuals for, like, one weekend a year (which is really what the OP is proposing).

 

Exactly. I’ve never done anything like this before but happen to have the money for it right now.

 

It sounds to me as if the OP is changing the rules of the relationship mid-stride. That's unfair. It actually doesn't matter about the exact circumstances... If I knew my gf didn't like going out to bars when I started seeing her, and for 2 years she expressed no interest to go bar hopping, then suddenly she springs "I'm going bar hopping with my at work girlfriends so don't wait up for me..." I would have every right to be upset. Now, she is a big girl and I have no right to forbid her to go, but there would be consequences to our relationship as I would react in such a way that would make me feel good,namely to re-examine my future with this girl...

 

What rules?

 

We have been together 13 years. I was virtually a child when we met, now I am nearing 40.

 

If someone's interests change that makes you mad?

 

Not that my interests have changed at all. He has known from day one how much I want to travel and not once in 13 years has he suggested a weekend away or a day trip. So, I am taking matters into my own hands.

Edited August 7, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Els]

 

I think they're good examples. If I want to go fishing for the weekend, I would drive 1 hour from my home to get to a fishing hole, I don't need to get in a jet and fly to another country...

 

I think you are having trouble reading. The OP isn't "flying to another country", she is flying to a different state in her country. It is also simply not possible to travel to another country with a 1-hour flight from Australia, which is what she said she is doing...

 

Not sure why you think a 1-hour flight is so different to a 1-hour drive in that aspect. I mean, if the OP were to DRIVE to somewhere else and stay there for the weekend, that would somehow be different in your book? I would frankly prefer that my partner fly - it's safer.

 

It sounds to me as if the OP is changing the rules of the relationship mid-stride. That's unfair. It actually doesn't matter about the exact circumstances... If I knew my gf didn't like going out to bars when I started seeing her, and for 2 years she expressed no interest to go bar hopping, then suddenly she springs "I'm going bar hopping with my at work girlfriends so don't wait up for me..." I would have every right to be upset. Now, she is a big girl and I have no right to forbid her to go, but there would be consequences to our relationship as I would react in such a way that would make me feel good, namely to re-examine my future with this girl...

I really have no idea why you keep bringing up bar hopping, Mardi Gras, etc as examples. The OP is going sightseeing for two days. The equivalent would be going or to the races or to a hunting/fishing lodge or to a cultural center for 2 days. Not night clubbing or bar hopping or Mardi Gras or strip clubs or gigolo brothels or whatever other example you would conjure up next.

 

If you genuinely would get that upset over your partner wanting to take a two-day trip by herself to see Ayers Rock or Alice Springs or the equivalent tourist attractions, you should probably mention that right at the start of a potential LTR so that they know what they're getting into. It's not normal and not okay to react like that, especially in a modern and egalitarian society. We're not talking about Saudi Arabia here.

Edited August 8, 2017 by Elswyth

[Els]

 

Not that my interests have changed at all. He has known from day one how much I want to travel and not once in 13 years has he suggested a weekend away or a day trip. So, I am taking matters into my own hands.

 

I think you should just tell him you are going and that's that. I mean, it's a two day trip, for chrissakes. If it was, say, a 3-week overseas trip that was taking up most of your vacation days (so you would have none left for him), I would urge you to compromise and go with him if he was able to go with you. But 2 days, once in a blue moon? He's being ridiculous IMO. If you try to negotiate with him on this, you'll be setting a precedent and allowing him to think that his reaction is okay.

 

Has he even expressed interest in coming with you?

[Poutrew]

Awww... seems no one likes my examples. The problem is that any relationship develops rules that both partners abide by because it makes them both comfortable. If things are good, no one has any reason to change those rules. When one partner decides to change those rules, it throws the relationship off balance. A two day sightseeing trip today can indeed get magnified into... lets see, one poster mentioned... gigolo brothels given enough time. The OP did indeed mention that now she is taking things into her own hands. Her partner recognizes this, which is why he is reacting the way he is. Now, will a single 2 day trip break them up? Probably not... but next year when it becomes a two week trip, who knows? This isn't even taking into account that the partner might retaliate by doing something he knows will get under the OPs skin, under the 'two can play that game' scenario. Action, reaction...it's not just a law of physics.

[Els]

A two day sightseeing trip today can indeed get magnified into... lets see, one poster mentioned... gigolo brothels given enough time.

 

That's like saying that "allowing" your partner to have contact with any man/woman besides you can easily turn into them sleeping with 10 other men/women per week...

 

All one can do in a relationship is to be reasonable and give their partner freedom. If this freedom is abused, leave. Being a controlling tight-ass isn't going to prevent anyone from cheating or ditching you, it's just going to make them more likely to leave.

 

If things are good, no one has any reason to change those rules.

 

You really need to read this thread before responding. Things are not 'good' for the OP - she desires to travel and has told him that since they first met, but he has not made any effort to travel with her.