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Did you want your [affair partner] to chase you when you broke up?


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From reading some of the posts here it appears that when one AP (usually an OW) breaks up, the MM usually turns up at some point to try and cajole her back into the relationship. Occasionally the MM disappears and moves on.

 

From what i have read here, when the MM comes back most OW seem to lose respect for him for not respecting her new boundaries but when the MM simply accepts and disappears, it seems that the OW is left feeling disappointed at the fact that clearly she did not mean as much to him otherwise he would have come to try and cajole her back... What is the MM to do??

 

Also are there any MM who have just walked away after the OW ended it and how did OW react?

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BreakingWave
From what i have read here, when the MM comes back most OW seem to lose respect for him for not respecting her new boundaries but when the MM simply accepts and disappears, it seems that the OW is left feeling disappointed at the fact that clearly she did not mean as much to him otherwise he would have come to try and cajole her back... What is the MM to do??

 

Also are there any MM who have just walked away after the OW ended it and how did OW react?

 

There's truth to this, but often because by the time an A ends, the MM/MW has treated the OM/OW so badly that short of doing the courageous thing and coming clean to the BS, there really is *nothing* that will make the former AP glad to hear from him/her. Simply coming back with a "let's go right back to the A that made you feel terrible about yourself" doesn't work. And yes, ignoring the former AP completely is insulting and suggests they never really mattered. It's a no-win situation unless the coward finally decides to be a brave, vulnerable adult.

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I did not want to hear from him during NC, because he had nothing significant to say. If he had said something of substance, I would have gladly jumped right back in, gladly listened and discussed it. And I am not even talking about divorce, or any future plans where we're building a house together and ride off happily into the sunset (that was more him during the A, making BIG plans and such...I was always the more reluctant/cautious one).

 

Our A was long-term and I was fine being the OW. There was also no D-Day AFAIK.

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No, I didn't. I did everything I could to encourage her to stay with her husband.

 

If they will cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Why would I want that in my life permanently?

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TunaInTheBrine
From reading some of the posts here it appears that when one AP (usually an OW) breaks up, the MM usually turns up at some point to try and cajole her back into the relationship. Occasionally the MM disappears and moves on.

 

From what i have read here, when the MM comes back most OW seem to lose respect for him for not respecting her new boundaries but when the MM simply accepts and disappears, it seems that the OW is left feeling disappointed at the fact that clearly she did not mean as much to him otherwise he would have come to try and cajole her back... What is the MM to do??

 

Also are there any MM who have just walked away after the OW ended it and how did OW react?

 

The topic of this post really resonated with where I'm at today. I was the OM.

 

My partner and I just broke up after she finally ended things with her fiancé because she had doubts about us and said she didn't want to be with anyone right now, but she did allude to potentially reaching out to me down the line.

 

Because she is officially single, I do find myself wishing she would come chasing after me, tell me she realizes that I'm the one for her, and that despite the difficult process of transitioning from affair partners to a real relationship that she would be willing to go through it with me because she believes in us just as much as I do.

 

So yes, I would love to hear from and see her! Since she's single now, no, I would not lose respect for her for coming back to me. If she does never come back to me and stays out of contact, then yes, I would be disappointed and feel like I never meant that much to her after all...especially since she alluded to coming back down the line during our breakup talk.

 

Unfortunately, I don't believe she will come back since she seemed to have so many doubts about us (re: trust issues). And although she says she is not ready to date anyone else right now, she has been changing her appearance (hair cut, coloring, new outfits, going to the gym), which in my experience are all typical behaviors of a newly single person or someone who is about to be single that is preparing themselves optimally so that they can attract someone new. She might not be dating anyone right now, but I don't think it's far fetched to think that she is preparing herself for someone else in the future who will not be me.

 

My gut says she won't come back to me unless she dates around a little bit and somehow winds up thinking she should have stayed with me, in which case I would feel like I am still a backup plan like I was during the affair.

 

Basically, life sucks.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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Honestly yes... but dint happen as much thou. This showed me how frivolous he was about me.. it hurt but after almost a year, I want no chase. I am in peace without him, I want it this way now.

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Yes and no. Yes, my ego enjoys the attention. No, he eventually ends up hurting me every time. Really, the best route is a mutual agreement to go NC. The rollercoaster of emotion is maddening.

 

When the OW goes NC it's an attempt to rein in too much emotion, but if the MM does it's because he didn't really care. Double standard, I think.

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From reading some of the posts here it appears that when one AP (usually an OW) breaks up, the MM usually turns up at some point to try and cajole her back into the relationship. Occasionally the MM disappears and moves on.

 

From what i have read here, when the MM comes back most OW seem to lose respect for him for not respecting her new boundaries but when the MM simply accepts and disappears, it seems that the OW is left feeling disappointed at the fact that clearly she did not mean as much to him otherwise he would have come to try and cajole her back... What is the MM to do??

 

Also are there any MM who have just walked away after the OW ended it and how did OW react?

 

One day ill be strong enough to post my story but for the time being i just want to understand the anatomy of affairs....What makes the OW/OM more jealous? Is it that the MM/MW is happy with their spouse or is it that they may be having fun with a replacement after the end of an affair?

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One day ill be strong enough to post my story but for the time being i just want to understand the anatomy of affairs....What makes the OW/OM more jealous? Is it that the MM/MW is happy with their spouse or is it that they may be having fun with a replacement after the end of an affair?

 

More jealous? Do you want to make her jealous? She won't even know if you have a "replacement OW" if you're NC anyways. I don't get it. What is your question? What are your intentions?

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More jealous? Do you want to make her jealous? She won't even know if you have a "replacement OW" if you're NC anyways. I don't get it. What is your question? What are your intentions?

 

No i have no intention of making her jealous:-)

Sometimes i think that if i ever see her with a new partner it would make me insanely jealous

Then i think maybe she would feel the same if she saw me with my wife - except that she sort of 'knows' the wife as the wife was omnipresent during our affair - i dont mean she knows the wife in person but she knew that i had a wife and she knew what she looked like etc...so would she still feel jealous of the same person? As a man i probably wouldnt feel jealous of her spouse but would feel extremely jealous of new partners...

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No i have no intention of making her jealous:-)

Sometimes i think that if i ever see her with a new partner it would make me insanely jealous

Then i think maybe she would feel the same if she saw me with my wife - except that she sort of 'knows' the wife as the wife was omnipresent during our affair - i dont mean she knows the wife in person but she knew that i had a wife and she knew what she looked like etc...so would she still feel jealous of the same person? As a man i probably wouldnt feel jealous of her spouse but would feel extremely jealous of new partners...

 

Oh. I really can't answer that. I have never been jealous of the BW, that's correct, and I am not jealous now, either, after the A is over. If I saw him with a new partner, which I am not expecting, BTW, I'd probably feel surprised and disappointed about how easy I was replaced, and I'd question our R althogether, which would make it even easier to move on, I guess.

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If they will cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

I wish this site had a 'dislike' button as well as a 'like'. This is such a generalisation. Not every OW/OM/MW/MM is a serial OW/OM/MW/MM!

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No i have no intention of making her jealous:-)

Sometimes i think that if i ever see her with a new partner it would make me insanely jealous

Then i think maybe she would feel the same if she saw me with my wife - except that she sort of 'knows' the wife as the wife was omnipresent during our affair - i dont mean she knows the wife in person but she knew that i had a wife and she knew what she looked like etc...so would she still feel jealous of the same person? As a man i probably wouldnt feel jealous of her spouse but would feel extremely jealous of new partners...

 

Ya....MM would say he wants me to be happy to move on to date to have what he can't give me.

 

But when he knew I had a date or was looking to date he would text more. Or tell me it was strange/awkward watching me etc....

So not quite a declaration of any sort but hey...I'm still here....don't forget about me...

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I wish this site had a 'dislike' button as well as a 'like'. This is such a generalisation. Not every OW/OM/MW/MM is a serial OW/OM/MW/MM!

 

Wouldn't change my opinion.

 

If it's a generalization, then we understand there are some exceptions to the rule. Doesn't make the general statement less true. In this case, it is absolutely true.

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Wouldn't change my opinion.

 

If it's a generalization, then we understand there are some exceptions to the rule. Doesn't make the general statement less true. In this case, it is absolutely true.

 

Your opinion is YOUR opinion and experience.

 

It IS a generalisation and your statement certainly doesn't offer any factual information to prove your opinion which you claim to be 'general'. Whilst your opinion may be based on 'your' true experience, it doesn't make it true to EVERY person who has ever been involved in an affair. For many, in fact for most who comment on this board alone, it seems to my reading eyes that the A is limited to one AP.

 

I just don't care much for generalisations. I wish you well.

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Wouldn't change my opinion.

 

If it's a generalization, then we understand there are some exceptions to the rule. Doesn't make the general statement less true. In this case, it is absolutely true.

 

 

i think people cheat because they have unresolved internal issues..ie it is often not the relationship but the person in the relationship that leads to cheating. My AP had a one night stand with a school friend whilst she was seeing her long term bf. She confessed and they split up. A few years later she hooked up with her bf again and then after 2 years of being together, had an A with me for 5 years whilst being with him too....

 

I think she has conflict avoidance and boundary issues... and i do believe that unless she tackles these, they will continue to manifest as further such indiscretions in the future.

 

i also got into an EA with someone over the internet and when i got found out met my AP and dived into a 5 year affair with them.. i have finally started getting some counselling and i am sure i have conflict avoidance and validation issues...which i am trying hard to work on

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QuestioningSoul

Rea, it is a generalized statement, but just an example of my situation only - my husband's AP#1 had no idea there was an AP#2. When I told her, she never spoke to him again. She thought it was "special" and she felt like a fool. She told me as much. AP#2 didn't realize he was still sexting AP#1 and fishing for #3. And if you can follow this one.... AP#2 had a LTA with her main AP and he wants to leave his wife for her- "love of his life", and he has no idea what she's actually been up to. My husband hasn't been her only side AP while still having a main LT AP. Writing it out like that makes me ill.

 

So yes, generalized, but even my WH said that once he crossed the line, he felt there was no return, so tried for more and more. I do believe many do as well.

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Rea, it is a generalized statement, but just an example of my situation only - my husband's AP#1 had no idea there was an AP#2. When I told her, she never spoke to him again. She thought it was "special" and she felt like a fool. She told me as much. AP#2 didn't realize he was still sexting AP#1 and fishing for #3. And if you can follow this one.... AP#2 had a LTA with her main AP and he wants to leave his wife for her- "love of his life", and he has no idea what she's actually been up to. My husband hasn't been her only side AP while still having a main LT AP. Writing it out like that makes me ill.

 

So yes, generalized, but even my WH said that once he crossed the line, he felt there was no return, so tried for more and more. I do believe many do as well.

 

QS, that seems a very tangled web.

 

Perhaps I took the 'generalisation' the 'wrong way'. Not sure! It seemed the statement applied to anyone that's cheated and in that context, to me, seems very unfair.

 

I have been involved with one MM only. I was long term married and separated prior to the A. I have NEVER cheated until my involvement with MM. I was (during the A) and still am single. I can honestly say it will NEVER happen again.

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From reading some of the posts here it appears that when one AP (usually an OW) breaks up, the MM usually turns up at some point to try and cajole her back into the relationship. Occasionally the MM disappears and moves on.

 

From what i have read here, when the MM comes back most OW seem to lose respect for him for not respecting her new boundaries but when the MM simply accepts and disappears, it seems that the OW is left feeling disappointed at the fact that clearly she did not mean as much to him otherwise he would have come to try and cajole her back... What is the MM to do??

 

Also are there any MM who have just walked away after the OW ended it and how did OW react?

 

During my 1st NC with OM, I wanted him to pursue me. That's one of the reasons I went NC with him, because I felt like I was chasing him too much. We ended up talking again, but he never really pursued me much. I work with him and he talked to me very little at work. We didn't get together outside of work much, either. We mostly talked on the phone and texted. This went on for over a year. I've been NC with him this time for a few months and this time I'm done with it. I don't even want for him to say hi to me at work, but he does sometimes. I try to avoid being anywhere near him. I wanted for him to chase me before, but now I don't. He made me feel bad about myself and I feel better now that I'm NC with him.

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I broke up with him and even though I asked for him to not contact me when he didn't it actually hurt, I wanted him to want me back, because we used to argue a lot and if he ever broke up with me I would be outside his house and I would try not matter but he just seemed not to care and that's all I wanted until it got to the stage I messaged him crying asking if he ever did love me... We are trying to sort things still now but I know if I left again he wouldn't care and I doubt everyday if he ever did love me and it hurts because he is my world and Always will be

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I broke up with MM. Although I want him to remain NC, the silence makes me feel like I never mattered. My ego wants the contact, the rest of me wants no part of him.

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I have been involved with one MM only. I was long term married and separated prior to the A. I have NEVER cheated until my involvement with MM. I was (during the A) and still am single. I can honestly say it will NEVER happen again.

 

Yes, but you are the AP not the main "cheater" Yes it could be said you cheated with him on his wife but you were not seeing/sleeping with two or more people at the same time.

I think it is the ego boost/power/control that the cheater gains from being "wanted" by two or more people at the same time that is so addictive and why "cheaters" given any opportunity will cheat again and again.

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Your opinion is YOUR opinion and experience.

 

It IS a generalisation and your statement certainly doesn't offer any factual information to prove your opinion which you claim to be 'general'. Whilst your opinion may be based on 'your' true experience, it doesn't make it true to EVERY person who has ever been involved in an affair. For many, in fact for most who comment on this board alone, it seems to my reading eyes that the A is limited to one AP.

 

I just don't care much for generalisations. I wish you well.

 

:D

 

You say that as if I should have considered what you care for. I didn't. Couldn't care less about what you think.

 

I'm quite aware that everything I post is my opinion. Based on my experience. That's not a revelation to anyone.

 

That's the purpose of forums like this, to share opinions. Getting in a huff about someone else's opinion is not helpful.

 

If you disagree, that's fine. State your opinion and move on.

 

But, don't expect me to be intimidated because you're in a tizzy. It won't happen.

 

My opinion remains the same. I didn't want to be in a relationship with a person that tricked me into cheating with her because I believe she would also cheat on me. And, yes, I believe that's true in general. Once a cheater, always (potentially) a cheater.

 

Now, you have a good day.

 

:confused:

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Since this thread is not about a person's personal involvement with a committed partner, more general questions about affairs, moderation moved this to GRD per policy and also we'll consider all disagreements regarding generalized opinions on affairs or any similar topic to be resolved and we can now proceed with reading responses from affair partners, past or present, wanting, or not wanting, their affair partner to chase them when a breakup occurred.

 

As per our usual directive, please take anti-affair rhetoric to threads discussing the morality or health of affairs. There are thousands of them on LoveShack.org That isn't the topic here. Thanks!

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For a long time, I wished AP would come back and want me. Because I felt rejected. And I felt like I meant nothing.

 

But now I realize he did me a huge favor. Why should I ever depend my worth on another person? So what? He rejected me? Yeah, that hurt, but things would've never worked out with him.

 

Another poster here (MB) made me realize it was my ego that was hurt. I put my dignity and self-worth into another person's hands. That stuff has to come from me, within. Whatever I meant to him means nothing anymore. It's what I MYSELF think of myself that matters.

 

It's a very hard lesson for me to fully take in and I'm still working on it daily. But that realization was huge for me and I think it's been a big step forward in my healing. Granted, I have a long way to go and a lot of fences to start to rebuild. But I have to fix myself before I can be with anyone else and I know that now.

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