Sudden Change in Feelings on D-day

[JDJ]

This is a story that happened over a decade ago. I guess I am curious what forum members think about this now.

 

I was married for about 7 years, and together for a total of nine years with "M". She went back to school for a graduate degree. During that time we were both very busy, under a lot of pressure, and she was away commuting to school a lot. Afterwards, I realized that I had known in my gut that something was wrong some of the times that she came home late.

 

I had never cheated on her. The only thing that had happened prior to this in our marriage was that I had confessed an infatuation with a co-worker about 5 years before that was never acted on. I learned from her reaction that it was a mistake to even say anything about it. I should have just stifled it, but I was young and believed in telling all to my partner. She never cheated on me before, as far as I know, but I was her second husband. Her first husband supposedly beat her. She was separated from him, but not yet divorced when we moved in together. So I guess that makes me a cheater too. Karma.

 

But, as I mentioned briefly in an earlier post, the way I found out about my wife's cheating was as follows:

She told me she was pregnant. After a few minutes of discussing how we could manage it with our financial struggles and such, she said "I have something else to tell you."

 

"I'm not sure who the father is."

 

There was something about the way she did this - telling me that she was pregnant first, then smashing everything with her next statement - that caused me to instantly stop loving her. I don't know how else to put it. I knew that it was over. For me, it was something unforgiveable. Perhaps the fact that she never hinted at being sorry or wanting forgiveness contributed to that. It was like scales fell from my eyes. I used to see her with the eyes of first love - attractive and young. But now even her appearance changed, and I saw what the years had done to her and felt nothing towards her.

 

For a couple of weeks I was angry and moodily stalking around our shared quarters. I asked a little bit about what had happened with the other guy, but I wasn't even that curious. I proceeded with investigating how to separate, divorce, etc. I knew that I didn't want to have anything further to do with her. I left the decision about the baby up to her. I think I told her that if she had it, and it was tested and proven to be mine, then I would take responsibility. But for both of us that was never really a likely option. It was perhaps a sign of the problems in our relationship, but we had never talked about wanting a baby even after all those years of marriage. She had an abortion and stayed with her "boyfriend". Within a couple of months I had found another apartment. After a year of being civil to her to avoid trouble, we were able to divorce. I never spoke to her again after that. Zero contact. I heard from friends that she married the boyfriend.

 

I think about my reactions, but I do not care or wonder about her (For a while I did worry if she was going to come after me in anger). Now I wonder what people think about this kind of sudden reaction. I am now remarried (with kids too), and the depth and quality of the love for my now wife is of a much stronger nature than with my first wife. My interpretation is that I mistook something for love that was not. I will also say that I have maintained friendly relations with my earlier ex-girlfriends to this day. But my ex-wife is the giant exception to this. She is still my enemy.

 

I know it was the right thing for me to do, but I wonder if this makes me seem like a cold person? If so, how cold?

[Marc878]

This is a story that happened over a decade ago. I guess I am curious what forum members think about this now.

 

I was married for about 7 years, and together for a total of nine years with "M". She went back to school for a graduate degree. During that time we were both very busy, under a lot of pressure, and she was away commuting to school a lot. Afterwards, I realized that I had known in my gut that something was wrong some of the times that she came home late.

 

I had never cheated on her. The only thing that had happened prior to this in our marriage was that I had confessed an infatuation with a co-worker about 5 years before that was never acted on. I learned from her reaction that it was a mistake to even say anything about it. I should have just stifled it, but I was young and believed in telling all to my partner. She never cheated on me before, as far as I know, but I was her second husband. Her first husband supposedly beat her. She was separated from him, but not yet divorced when we moved in together. So I guess that makes me a cheater too. Karma.

 

But, as I mentioned briefly in an earlier post, the way I found out about my wife's cheating was as follows:

She told me she was pregnant. After a few minutes of discussing how we could manage it with our financial struggles and such, she said "I have something else to tell you."

 

"I'm not sure who the father is."

 

There was something about the way she did this - telling me that she was pregnant first, then smashing everything with her next statement - that caused me to instantly stop loving her. I don't know how else to put it. I knew that it was over. For me, it was something unforgiveable. Perhaps the fact that she never hinted at being sorry or wanting forgiveness contributed to that. It was like scales fell from my eyes. I used to see her with the eyes of first love - attractive and young. But now even her appearance changed, and I saw what the years had done to her and felt nothing towards her.

 

For some infidelity is a deal breaker. IMO you did great by one wallowing around and just taking action whic most won't do.

For a couple of weeks I was angry and moodily stalking around our shared quarters. I asked a little bit about what had happened with the other guy, but I wasn't even that curious. I proceeded with investigating how to separate, divorce, etc. I knew that I didn't want to have anything further to do with her. I left the decision about the baby up to her. I think I told her that if she had it, and it was tested and proven to be mine, then I would take responsibility. But for both of us that was never really a likely option. It was perhaps a sign of the problems in our relationship, but we had never talked about wanting a baby even after all those years of marriage. She had an abortion and stayed with her "boyfriend". Within a couple of months I had found another apartment. After a year of being civil to her to avoid trouble, we were able to divorce. I never spoke to her again after that. Zero contact. I heard from friends that she married the boyfriend.

 

I think about my reactions, but I do not care or wonder about her (For a while I did worry if she was going to come after me in anger). Now I wonder what people think about this kind of sudden reaction. I am now remarried (with kids too), and the depth and quality of the love for my now wife is of a much stronger nature than with my first wife. My interpretation is that I mistook something for love that was not. I will also say that I have maintained friendly relations with my earlier ex-girlfriends to this day. But my ex-wife is the giant exception to this. She is still my enemy.

 

You aren't cold or you wouldn't be where you are now.

 

I know it was the right thing for me to do, but I wonder if this makes me seem like a cold person? If so, how cold?

 

Nope, everyone's different. All you did was end something that could never be.

 

IMO you chose and took the best path for you and obviously it worked out.

[Brooklyn.]

You aren't cold for doing this, sometimes someone's actions can shock you hugely and make you see everything you really are, like you say there were problems there but most likely not big enough problems for you to leave until then, it just shows things happen for a reason, you pair clearly weren't meant to be together and I'm glad you have found happiness now and have moved on.

 

The last step would be for you to forgive her almost so you don't have to carry that hate you have for around with you then you should feel some kind of release from her all together

[Deepremorse5]

Reminds me of my husband. He said it took him only 2 seconds to decide that he wants a divorce and that moment itself was new beginning for him. He hasn't thought otherwise since.

[somanymistakes]

I think it's understandable. She made it pretty clear that your feelings were basically nowhere on her priority list. She had no remorse. It was already basically over for her... your gut switching immediately to it being over for you, too, was probably the easiest way to handle the break.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if some amount of leftover feelings eventually leaked out much later when you were in a safe place to handle them, but sometimes done is done.

[JDJ]

Thanks for the comments. It is helpful to see other perspectives. I'm not here to open up or rehash all of the details, but I could certainly identify a lot of the problems in the relationship with hindsight.

 

Maybe Brooklyn's comment about forgiving her is some of the reason that I am here writing. I never felt like forgiving her was something I wanted to do or even relevant. It was more like I left behind everything to do with her. And so it doesn't make for any kind of nice feeling like "we grew apart" and does make me see those years with her as wasted in some way. Now that time has washed away a lot of the pain, it might make sense to look for some good there.

[BetrayedH]

Why would you forgive a person that betrayed you and showed zero remorse?

 

That said, generally I would agree with the expression...The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. You're perhaps still too emotionally invested if she's your "enemy."

 

I don't think you're cold. You were left with no "good" options.

[Whoknew30]

Thanks for the comments. It is helpful to see other perspectives. I'm not here to open up or rehash all of the details, but I could certainly identify a lot of the problems in the relationship with hindsight.

 

Maybe Brooklyn's comment about forgiving her is some of the reason that I am here writing. I never felt like forgiving her was something I wanted to do or even relevant. It was more like I left behind everything to do with her. And so it doesn't make for any kind of nice feeling like "we grew apart" and does make me see those years with her as wasted in some way. Now that time has washed away a lot of the pain, it might make sense to look for some good there.

 

Sometimes in life, certain things just shut us down as humans. It can be a natural defense...I'm this way. Maybe you never got actual emotional closure & now it's creeped up a bit. There's nothing wrong with that.

[WilyWill]

Boy, it seems perfectly natural to me that a man would lose interest in a woman who was actively trying to produce offspring with other men. It seems like it should be instinctive in all animals that they would only want a mate who wishes to produce offspring in common with them, instead being a cuckold. It's embedded deep in one's psyche--that desire to reproduce oneself, not reproduce someone else.

 

Good for you that you were able to move on. Don't beat yourself up about making the right decision.

Edited July 22, 2017 by WilyWill

[LivingWaterPlease]

Maybe Brooklyn's comment about forgiving her is some of the reason that I am here writing. I never felt like forgiving her was something I wanted to do or even relevant. It was more like I left behind everything to do with her. And so it doesn't make for any kind of nice feeling like "we grew apart" and does make me see those years with her as wasted in some way. Now that time has washed away a lot of the pain, it might make sense to look for some good there.

 

Seems to me the good is in you even broaching the idea of forgiving her. Most of us, before life is over, have experienced probably several people who have betrayed or hurt us.

 

Forgiveness and allowing God's love to flow through me onto others has been an incredible gift for me. When it flows through me on its way to others it waters my own life in ways that just bring me joy, and a sense of well being! But, it's only been God's love that has had the power to do that for me!

 

If you're on the verge of forgiveness for her I encourage you to go with it! Doesn't mean you have to be best buddies with her or even see her...

[JohnAdams]

You did what was right for you at the time. I am very glad you have moved on to a happy and fulfilled life.

[dichotomy]

 

I had never cheated on her.The only thing that had happened prior to this in our marriage was that I had confessed an infatuation with a co-worker about 5 years before that was never acted on. I learned from her reaction that it was a mistake to even say anything about it. I should have just stifled it, but I was young and believed in telling all to my partner. She never cheated on me before, as far as I know, but I was her second husband. Her first husband supposedly beat her.She was separated from him, but not yet divorced when we moved in together. So I guess that makes me a cheater too. Karma.

 

 

 

Not really, no.

 

Does not compare at all to her.

[stillafool]

Yes forgive her in your mind for your own healing. You do not have to talk to her about it. You can think that if she hadn't cheated on you you wouldn't have the wonderful wife and family you have now so in a way, it was a blessing.

[SammySammy]

I prefer decisive action. I think you handled it well.

[Aqulesco]

you did what most betrayed husbands here wish they had the courage to do instead of convincing her to stay then later convincing themselves the affair helped the relationship. you sir are admirable

[MJJean]

Why would you forgive a person that betrayed you and showed zero remorse?

 

That said, generally I would agree with the expression...The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. You're perhaps still too emotionally invested if she's your "enemy."

 

I don't think you're cold. You were left with no "good" options.

 

Huh. I hate people I've never loved, so I'm pretty sure that love and hate are actually opposites. Indifference is much more akin to apathy that either love or hate.

 

The reality is that when someone deeply personally betrays another, they are enemies. You can forgive an enemy, but they will always be an enemy.

 

JDJ, I don't think you're cold. In that moment you realized your wife wasn't the person you thought she was and your love for the idea of her died.

[Bufo]

Nirvana is a state of blessed indifference. You have attained nirvana here. You no longer care about or even much think about exWW. There is no better place you can be.

 

Or in less esoteric terms, she is a long way away in your rear view mirror and getting further away each time you look. No wasted time in Limbo, no wasted time playing pick me. You made no mistakes which is a rare thing among us BS's

 

You are in the lead for this year's Spaceghost Award;)

[Just a Guy]

Hi JD, I think the poster who suggested forgiving your ex wife was spot on. By considering her the 'Enemy' you are are letting her occupy a space in your mind which is best kept free for the good memories in your life. By 'Forgiving' her you will let go of any negative feelings in your mind toward your ex wife thereby doing yourself a big favour. She does'nt need to occupy any of your mind space or utilize any of your mental and emotional energy since she is just a shadow from your past.

 

On another note, the circumstances of your having got together with your ex wife lead me to believe that you were her rebound romance. She latched on to you as a drowning person latches on to a straw to try and save themselves. She probably never loved you and when she found someone else she more or less dumped you by cheating on you. So really speaking you did well to get rid of bad rubbish! Warm wishes.

[JDJ]

Thanks again for the comments. It is very helpful to get some confirmation from an outside perspective. I think moving towards some form of forgiveness is a good thing to do for the reasons you all have mentioned. Just a Guy's comment about a rebound romance is probably right. There was always an "almost, but not quite right" element in my first marriage, and some part of trying too hard to overcome doubts. Whereas in my current marriage, although there are disagreements, our love is never in question.

[Marc878]

Closure comes from within. You life since shows you've already achieved that.

 

IMO what happened a decade ago is no longer relevant as well as your X.

[understand50]

Reconciliation is not for everyone, nor should it be the only decision, just as divorce is not the only way. For you, this is what was best for you. The fact that you made up your mind fast, is just how you do things. Doe snot make your actions or decisions less valid.

 

I think in looking back on it, you still feel the pain, but I would just leave it where it is, in the past.

 

I wish you luck....

[JDJ]

I am going to post a small update to my story as a new thread ...

[Popsicle]

This is a story that happened over a decade ago. I guess I am curious what forum members think about this now.

 

I was married for about 7 years, and together for a total of nine years with "M". She went back to school for a graduate degree. During that time we were both very busy, under a lot of pressure, and she was away commuting to school a lot. Afterwards, I realized that I had known in my gut that something was wrong some of the times that she came home late.

 

I had never cheated on her. The only thing that had happened prior to this in our marriage was that I had confessed an infatuation with a co-worker about 5 years before that was never acted on. I learned from her reaction that it was a mistake to even say anything about it. I should have just stifled it, but I was young and believed in telling all to my partner. She never cheated on me before, as far as I know, but I was her second husband. Her first husband supposedly beat her. She was separated from him, but not yet divorced when we moved in together. So I guess that makes me a cheater too. Karma.

 

But, as I mentioned briefly in an earlier post, the way I found out about my wife's cheating was as follows:

She told me she was pregnant. After a few minutes of discussing how we could manage it with our financial struggles and such, she said "I have something else to tell you."

 

"I'm not sure who the father is."

 

There was something about the way she did this - telling me that she was pregnant first, then smashing everything with her next statement - that caused me to instantly stop loving her. I don't know how else to put it. I knew that it was over. For me, it was something unforgiveable. Perhaps the fact that she never hinted at being sorry or wanting forgiveness contributed to that. It was like scales fell from my eyes. I used to see her with the eyes of first love - attractive and young. But now even her appearance changed, and I saw what the years had done to her and felt nothing towards her.

 

For a couple of weeks I was angry and moodily stalking around our shared quarters. I asked a little bit about what had happened with the other guy, but I wasn't even that curious. I proceeded with investigating how to separate, divorce, etc. I knew that I didn't want to have anything further to do with her. I left the decision about the baby up to her. I think I told her that if she had it, and it was tested and proven to be mine, then I would take responsibility. But for both of us that was never really a likely option. It was perhaps a sign of the problems in our relationship, but we had never talked about wanting a baby even after all those years of marriage. She had an abortion and stayed with her "boyfriend". Within a couple of months I had found another apartment. After a year of being civil to her to avoid trouble, we were able to divorce. I never spoke to her again after that. Zero contact. I heard from friends that she married the boyfriend.

 

I think about my reactions, but I do not care or wonder about her (For a while I did worry if she was going to come after me in anger). Now I wonder what people think about this kind of sudden reaction. I am now remarried (with kids too), and the depth and quality of the love for my now wife is of a much stronger nature than with my first wife. My interpretation is that I mistook something for love that was not. I will also say that I have maintained friendly relations with my earlier ex-girlfriends to this day. But my ex-wife is the giant exception to this. She is still my enemy.

 

I know it was the right thing for me to do, but I wonder if this makes me seem like a cold person? If so, how cold?

Not cold at all. You were smart and not a wus.