Relationship and family issues

[Smash1989]

Where to begin...

 

I am a 28 year old male who is well educated and am living on my own. Last year I started seeing a woman who was 14 years older than me. Things got serious between us, and my parents were weary of the relationship at first but once things did get serious they did not like it.

 

My parents for one did not ever meet my significant other and actually refused to meet her. We dated for 18 months and her parents loved me. I would have loved to taken her home to my parents to show them what a wonderful person I met. A lot of my friends were hesitant of the age gap at first, but once they met her they saw why we were together and adored her.

 

After my significant other and I were together for a year my mom started pushing me to break up with her. First she demanded I purchase the car off her, which I did. Then she wrote a clause in the will saying that if I dated or married someone 10 years older than me then I'd be written out of the will. Now of this affected me. However , my parents started holding their health and mental

Unhappiness over my head and it wore on me until the point I broke down and ended up breaking up with the person I love and care for most in the world.

 

 

There was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. We got along and actually never really fought until after I broke up with her. Those fights would be around me choosing my family over her.

 

I am still deeply in love with her. I would absolutely love to be with her, but I am unsure what that would do to me and the stress I had with my parents and the relationship. I am hardly talking to my mom because I am so upset with her. Also, she seems to be pulling away more and more.

 

I am not sure why I am on this site or why I am sharing this. Maybe I just really wanted to get this out, but if anyone has any advice or questions I'd gladly appreciate them.

[Lobouspo]

Sorry to hear about this OP. Sounds like you really had a special connection with this woman. I can tell you as someone who once dated a woman 9 years older, significant age gaps can present challenges. Often times a person at 28 is just at other places in life on alot of different levels compared to someone 14 years older. Having said that, it seems like your parents disapproval was the biggest factor in the relationships demise. I would reach out to your ex, if nothing else, you don't want to go through life with that feeling that this may have been the one that got away.

[mikeylo]

You have let your parents decide your love life for once. They will do it again even if you chose a girl who was your age or younger or slightly older. What they should have done was to tell you about the challenges and let you decide.

 

If your ex is still around, give it a go.

[Smash1989]

Thank you very much for the input. I appreciate it as it's been a difficult past few months.

[Smash1989]

The one thing I do worry about is this happening again if I get back together with her. I know my family will torment me the way they did. I don't want to put her through this again, but I want to be with her. It definitely is difficult. I guess what I need to figure out is home to not let my parents influence my personal life. I am not sure how to go about this.

[mikeylo]

Look, you are a grown man , living on your own. Your parents haven't cut the baby strings yet. You have to put your foot down and tell them firmly that it's your life and this is how you want to live it. You love this woman and she makes you happy , nothing else matters. Honestly, you shouldn't have to justify anything to anyone !

 

Tell them if they accept it, it will make you happy. If they don't, it will make you sad but in either case, you are continuing your relationship with your woman.

 

Stay away from them meeting your partner till your relationship is solid. Once they see you are happy, they might change their mind. No guarantees. But yeah, don't let them decide your love life.

 

Also, don't share anything about your relationship with them.

[Smash1989]

Thank you once again. I believe I have a clearer picture in what I need to. I am just hoping for the best.

[mercy]

Thank you once again. I believe I have a clearer picture in what I need to. I am just hoping for the best.

 

Me too!

 

Ask your parents to read this - Kahlil Gibran On Children

[Smash1989]

Unfortunately, she does not want to get back into a relationship. She stated she can't trust me to do this again to her. She stated I have a lot to work on. She is not sure if there will be an "us" at the end of the tunnel. She feels bitter towards my parents and is severely upset with me for letting it get this far. She stated she is numb and has no more tears to shed.

 

I poured my heart out to her last night, and I guess I was too late. She said she needs space and to find herself again. She says she still loves me but can't do this right now. I hate myself for letting my parents do this to me.

[mikeylo]

Can't blame her.

 

This tells her that you won't stand by her , can be easily influenced and manipulated by others ( if not parents then some relative or friends )

 

Where does that leave her ? Alone.

 

You gave all the power of your love life away to them to decide. On whom will she lean if they behave inappropriately towards her? They definitely will. They have your indirect permission!

 

Sorry , but she wants a guy with a backbone.

Edited July 23, 2017 by mikeylo

[Smash1989]

She doesn't want to deal with the drama. She is over it all. I don't blame her, but I have been putting my foot down with my parents lately. I refuse to see them or speak with them. They keep asking how they can fix it, but there is nothing to fix if there is no relationship.

[I AM HERE]

Let her sit with your heart outpouring and try again. But only when you are ready to make her #1, because that's how partnerships work. And quit announcing the age difference for heaven's sake.

[preraph]

Part of growing up is calling the bluff on your parents, dear. You can't let your mother run your life forever. I get she probably wants kids, but it's still not her life. She got her life to do whatever she pleased, and this life is yours to live as you choose. If she threatens to cut you out of the will, tell her you'll cut her out of the grandbabies.

[mikeylo]

I agree. You either keep sitting with the age gap ( if it doesn't bother her then stop bringing it up. ) and let other people dictate your life or get up and live your life. You only get one life. It's something people realize at a certain period of their lives, but by that time , it's too late.

Also, it's never too late to open lines of communication in a positive way.

 

I guess, you should try again with her since your only issue was interference! It's hard to find someone you click with. Don't let go.

[Smash1989]

Thank you everyone,

 

She has let go of her anger but her mid is still set in her place. We have had some positive discussions, and I am remaining hopeful. I still have a long road ahead to get the relationship back. She still is has a trust issue with me. I don't know how I can earn my trust back, but I am staying positive and respecting her decisions.

[mikeylo]

I'm not sure how you will prove to her but if she is important to you , you will find a way.

 

In a relationship just the golden rule : partner first. Their feelings, likes dislikes, respect first. If you won't, NON of the other people associated with you , ever will. And since you sound less experienced in relationships, people who know you , will push you to make wrong decisions for their agendas and will be successful! You will be left alone!

[Smash1989]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm back for some more help and suggestions. Discussions with my ex have been progressing and getting better as she is in a better place this week than she was last week. Two nights ago she sent me a text inviting me over to spend the night. Last night we got dinner together and then after dinner I walked her home asking if it was okay if I'd spend the night. She allowed it but later that night we had a discussion about how she was in a better place and that she didn't want me to think we were back together. I understood that and I told her that I knew we weren't back together as we didn't have a discussion about it. She is aware that if she wanted to get back together with me that I would be all for it. She doesn't feel like it is right to completely cut me out, but she said she has a lot on her mind and that she isn't sure what she needs right now. She did mention the possibility of eventually going on a date with another guy if the scenario was to come up. She stated she doesn't want me blind sided by all of this and was being open about where she was at.

 

I understand where she is coming from. She did mention that I have been a little overbearing as I have been trying to do a lot for her. She sees it as me doing these things as trying to win her back rather than wanting to do whatever it is that I'm doing for her. I guess the reason I'm doing all this is because I'm anxious, nervous, and frightened about the very possibility of losing her. She said that by me doing this that I have not been acting like myself. I don't know how to get over the anxiety that is making me do this. She said she still wants to spend time together but it absolutely sucks when she has discussions about plans in front of me which she doesn't include me in.

 

I did ask her if she was "in-love" with me or if she "loved me" last night, and she was hesitant but said she loved me but more than a friend.

 

How do you know when to hang in there and when to cut your losses?

 

I know I won't be able to see her date other men. If that was to happen I guess it would only be fair if I dated other women. However, those women really wouldn't stand much of a chance since I am in love with someone else.

[mikeylo]

What is the status with your folks?

 

Feelings just don't go away so quickly especially if you guys are still seeing each other in any capacity. Period.

 

Since the break up was not because of your personal incompatibility but outside forces, the feelings of love will resurface. You've got to show her that you are no longer under the influence of your folks and an independent person of your own who is capable of making his own decisions and making her number 1.

 

If she is still around , you will know if she is coming back slowly or moving away. She won't come back quickly because of obvious reasons.

[Smash1989]

I have cut the communication with my parents. Both of them have been blocked. My only immediate family member I talk to now is my brother. I just think my ex doesn't feel the same way before because I was someone who she thought would never leave her. I brokenthat trust and she was torn to pieces by it and she seems like she is trying to move on.

[spiderowl]

I am sure she was very hurt by what happened and now she is thinking it could happen again if she were to let herself get attached to you. If the issue was her age, then that is not going to go away and she must realise that. She is probably thinking 'will he feel the same in a few years time when I am even older?'.

 

I guess your moves to cut your parents off will show her you mean business, but she probably realises that won't last for ever. Why exactly have you cut them off, as opposed to stood up to them? I realise that if there may be cultural issues involved as well which makes things difficult. If I were your ex, I would be thinking you will inevitably rebuild contact with your parents and then where will that leave me? Family bonds are strong. I think you would need to show her you can maintain contact with your parents and still assert your wish to be with her. That way, it might seem more long-lasting.

[mikeylo]

I have cut the communication with my parents. Both of them have been blocked. My only immediate family member I talk to now is my brother. I just think my ex doesn't feel the same way before because I was someone who she thought would never leave her. I brokenthat trust and she was torn to pieces by it and she seems like she is trying to move on.

 

Her being doubtful is understandable but I think if she is still around, its likely that she wants to try? Even though there are no gurantees in life but I figure that she will need some kind of guarantee that this kind of thing won't occur again?

 

I would advise that instead of being passive about the entire thing , ask her on a date and build up from there.

[Smash1989]

Update:

 

We have been hanging out in group settings and I've spent a few nights in the last week or so. However, she hasn't shown much intimacy towards me. We had the most amazing day yesterday and today she has been reserved. We had plans to do stuff afterwork but she cancelled and wants to spend time to herself. I'm sure I'm making a big deal of this, but I am not sure why she would cancel our plans. I am thinking she is conflicted...

[Smash1989]

On our walk home from work today we talked about he situation and she still feels the way she does and wants to meet other people. She says she still loves me and mentions hypocritical situations where we would spend the rest of our lives together. I feel confused about all of this. I get a lot of mixed signals and feel like she created a barrier that is keeping us from being with each other. I don't blame her for his. I just want to earn her trust back and am

Willing to do everything to do that. I just haven't received much from her to gain that trust back or an opportunity.

[mikeylo]

Time , consistency, making plans ,keeping your word , not going back to old patterns and of course the absence of interference and influence , all this will take time for trust to rebuild.

 

She could be conflicted or wanting to play the wait and watch game. She was probably blindly in love earlier and got betrayed, so this time around, wants her head to make the decision along with her heart. It's because of her heart she is back. The head is telling her to wait. Hence the conflict you can feel!

[spiderowl]

She is probably still sounding you out to see if you mean what you say. How you react to her hypothetical situations will tell her what your real feelings are. On the other hand, she may not trust you again. Like the other poster says, you need to build trust through consistency. She knows you are trying now, but only time will show her whether you mean it. At the moment, she is keeping her options open.