The lessons on fogs, limerance, and fake love

[ClassyTaste]

I wonder often how many marry during limerance, fake infatuation or periods of infatuation, the honey moon phase and feeling in love that may feel like love, but isn't reality. This may be why the divorce rate is so high. If you do not date for at least 5-7 years before marriage, how would you know it isn't any of this? We are told that 99% of our relationships would fail because of this. The numbers are not so positive when looking at new relationships as well, because it is bound to all be limerance, honeymoons phases, and what is the point if there is a 99% chance the man or woman will be disappointed at some point.

[anika99]

For myself and my relationships the limerance usually started to fade around the 18-24 month period. However my relationships progressed as a relationship should. Dating, becoming infatuated, meeting family and friends, spending time together in a variety of good and bad times, moving in, sharing chores and finances, dealing with kids, etc.

 

I don't think a relationship would normally be stuck in limerance for 5-7 years unless there was something preventing the relationship from developing normally, like a secret affair or a long distance thing. Not sure what you meant in your first sentence about marrying during fake infatuation. Why on earth would any normal person fake infatuation?

[somanymistakes]

No matter how long you date a person, it's always possible there's big secrets they're keeping from you, unfortunately.

 

Limerence blinds us. But it doesn't necessarily mean we make bad decisions, either. Logically, you would THINK that people who live together for a long time before getting married and know each other quite well would make the most stable marriages, right? But actually people who live together first are more likely to get divorced. Why? Who knows. Could be that people who live together are less "traditional" and therefore less inclined to believe in til-death-do-us-part. It could also be that it's psychologically easier to form a solid, lasting bond if you jump in with both feet, determined to make it work out no matter what, rather than slowly sliding towards permanence.

 

Regardless of limerence other people WILL disappoint you at some point in your life, no one is perfect. What matters is learning to deal with those occasional disappointments.

[jenkins95]

Little bit off topic but I think that limerence is also the reason that affairs are so hard to break free of. APs tend to be kept in limerence indefinitely due to the nature of the relationship - secretive, forbidden, naughty, tragic. It just invites "star crossed lovers", "lost love", " right person, but wrong time" thinking. I think if many of these relationships were played out in the open in "normal" conditions, the partners would probably be much quicker to find faults in each other and dispel the myth of perfection and "the one".

[ClassyTaste]

Little bit off topic but I think that limerence is also the reason that affairs are so hard to break free of. APs tend to be kept in limerence indefinitely due to the nature of the relationship - secretive, forbidden, naughty, tragic. It just invites "star crossed lovers", "lost love", " right person, but wrong time" thinking. I think if many of these relationships were played out in the open in "normal" conditions, the partners would probably be much quicker to find faults in each other and dispel the myth of perfection and "the one".

 

It all confuses me. I am back with MM. I must have self hatred of some sort. He is one that society considers to have opportunities coming his way, chasing him for affairs. Money and social status. I am mean and we fight alot, more then not. I start them mostly. He puts up with alot. He is not one to declare the love yous and all you hear in many that will disappear after the act. I know one time he thought I was seeing someone else and he lost it, lost his ground, breathing, very upset.I wasn't and did not allude to it. Something I said made him think so. I feel pain and hurt so I tend to warn others who are heading in the same dysfunctional direction. I am very independent, but I know I am missing out and there may be many opportunities that passed or passing as we speak unknowingly. Paths will not cross.

[ClassyTaste]

For myself and my relationships the limerance usually started to fade around the 18-24 month period. However my relationships progressed as a relationship should. Dating, becoming infatuated, meeting family and friends, spending time together in a variety of good and bad times, moving in, sharing chores and finances, dealing with kids, etc.

 

I don't think a relationship would normally be stuck in limerance for 5-7 years unless there was something preventing the relationship from developing normally, like a secret affair or a long distance thing. Not sure what you meant in your first sentence about marrying during fake infatuation. Why on earth would any normal person fake infatuation?

 

Many marry between the 1-2 year mark. The question is pretty general, no specific reason other than if it is why some marriages fail or end up not being great ones once the limerance wears off. Then what?

[ClassyTaste]

Another thing about limerance, Many are told it is just limerance and nothing else. If Paul Newman was pressured by others, family and friends, and was told his wife of 60s years, once the OW, was only limerance, and he decided to stay for comfort and familiarity, he would have lost his greatest love. There are many marriages born from affairs that are not publicly made aware to their social peers that work. The second wife.The next trophy wife and then on. 'The First Wives Club.' Where does this fit into all the scenerios I read on these boards.

Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[ClassyTaste]

This is all out of curiosity btw. I am not asking for my own situation. The questions arose from much talk lately about limerance.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't know how long the "honey moon stage" lasts (or if it even really exists) but I've read a ton of marriage statistics. 2 years is the sweetspot. Longer than that marital longevity and satisfaction decreased

[cocorico]

We didn't do infatuation / "limerance". We fell in love over time during the R, rather than all at once, and so had seen each other warts and all long before the love stuff happened. We've been together more than a dozen years, M for more than 2/3 of that now, and no sign of any "honeymoon phase" - it's all been great.

[knabe]

i also think people forget most relationships are like rolling hills, not a steady angle of decline. There's limerance/honeymoon, then life, maybe a rut, maybe some tough times, more honeymoon (but in a different way), maybe more rut or busyness, then another honeymoon. Life ebbs and flows.

[somanymistakes]

This is all out of curiosity btw. I am not asking for my own situation. The questions arose from much talk lately about limerance.

 

Limerence specifically is not just early love or infatuation, but the painful obsession that comes from uncertain attachment. Lovesickness. Mooning. Constantly worrying whether you will be together or not. The physical PAIN that comes from dwelling on thoughts of your love.

 

The existence of limerence doesn't mean that a relationship with that person is bad. It doesn't mean it's good, either. Sustained limerence is probably a bad sign because it means a secure attachment bond is not forming. This may be because there is some obstacle in the way of the relationship, or because one side is intentionally jerking the other around to keep them off-balance. Affairs are great at sustaining limerence because they keep things constantly uncertain. Long-distance or otherwise forbidden relationships can do this too.

 

The honeymoon stage is not quite the same thing. This just means the early phase of the relationship when everything is new and exciting and butterflies. It's often much happier. A couple that falls head over heels for each other and has a whirlwind marriage and moves in together and spends all their time together is in the honeymoon stage but probably not in limerence, because their attachment is very secure (for now).

 

A person in full-blown limerence has damaged judgment because of the hormonal reaction. You can point out that their love interest is an axe murderer and they won't really care, because "Our love can get past that!". Reality might eventually get through to them but it's not easy.

 

A person in a non-limerent honeymoon stage is not quite so blind, but is simply so happy to be with their love that they are naturally on their best behavior and accomodating any little problems that come along. They will be devastated if they find out their new spouse is an axe murderer.

 

When the honeymoon phase wears off, they lose some of that patience and have to work harder to get along. Sometimes they discover that while they like their partner well enough, they don't actually have as much in common as they thought they did. It doesn't mean the marriage can't be saved, but it does mean both parties have to put the effort into tending it.

 

Just because someone's in a honeymoon phase doesn't mean that their relationship WILL crash when that phase wears off, but as their friend on the outside you might be able to see personality conflicts that will likely lead to fighting when the honeymoon does wear off.

[Redhead14]

I don't know how long the "honey moon stage" lasts (or if it even really exists) but I've read a ton of marriage statistics. 2 years is the sweetspot. Longer than that marital longevity and satisfaction decreased

 

There are couples who say that the "honeymoon" never ended and they are the couples who were both being themselves, honest, open communication, relaxed, focused on their goals and knowing that they had common goals and they were balancing emotions with logic, insight, objectivity and forethought from the very start . . .

 

This is what doesn't happen very often.

[anika99]

Limerence specifically is not just early love or infatuation, but the painful obsession that comes from uncertain attachment. Lovesickness. Mooning. Constantly worrying whether you will be together or not. The physical PAIN that comes from dwelling on thoughts of your love.

 

The existence of limerence doesn't mean that a relationship with that person is bad. It doesn't mean it's good, either. Sustained limerence is probably a bad sign because it means a secure attachment bond is not forming. This may be because there is some obstacle in the way of the relationship, or because one side is intentionally jerking the other around to keep them off-balance. Affairs are great at sustaining limerence because they keep things constantly uncertain. Long-distance or otherwise forbidden relationships can do this too.

 

The honeymoon stage is not quite the same thing. This just means the early phase of the relationship when everything is new and exciting and butterflies. It's often much happier. A couple that falls head over heels for each other and has a whirlwind marriage and moves in together and spends all their time together is in the honeymoon stage but probably not in limerence, because their attachment is very secure (for now).

 

A person in full-blown limerence has damaged judgment because of the hormonal reaction. You can point out that their love interest is an axe murderer and they won't really care, because "Our love can get past that!". Reality might eventually get through to them but it's not easy.

 

A person in a non-limerent honeymoon stage is not quite so blind, but is simply so happy to be with their love that they are naturally on their best behavior and accomodating any little problems that come along. They will be devastated if they find out their new spouse is an axe murderer.

 

When the honeymoon phase wears off, they lose some of that patience and have to work harder to get along. Sometimes they discover that while they like their partner well enough, they don't actually have as much in common as they thought they did. It doesn't mean the marriage can't be saved, but it does mean both parties have to put the effort into tending it.

 

Just because someone's in a honeymoon phase doesn't mean that their relationship WILL crash when that phase wears off, but as their friend on the outside you might be able to see personality conflicts that will likely lead to fighting when the honeymoon does wear off.

 

Thanks for that expanded definition of limerance. Based on what you have said I have only experienced limerance once. It was with a borderline man whose inconsistent behaviour kept me in a constant state of uncertainty. I had never felt so insecure and unsure. I definitely was detached from reality where he was concerned as I kept believing in him and us no matter how glaringly obvious it was to everyone else that our relationship was ridiculous and that I was not the same happy person I once was. I was with that guy for 10 years! However I would say that I came out of the fog of limerance at around 6yrs. At that point I really did love him but I had also recovered my sense of self and knew I would be fine without him. I also saw the light and no longer believed in the fairytale of our love. I loved him but I knew love was not enough and I also knew that because of his personality disorder he wasn't really capable of loving me in a mature unselfish way.

[Scoutjr]

Little bit off topic but I think that limerence is also the reason that affairs are so hard to break free of. APs tend to be kept in limerence indefinitely due to the nature of the relationship - secretive, forbidden, naughty, tragic. It just invites "star crossed lovers", "lost love", " right person, but wrong time" thinking. I think if many of these relationships were played out in the open in "normal" conditions, the partners would probably be much quicker to find faults in each other and dispel the myth of perfection and "the one".

 

I think you are so right. I never got to see my MM outside of our relationship. Maybe he's a real a$$**** IRL. Still doesn't make it any easier though!

[preraph]

I think most of the limerence goes away as soon as you start living with a person and seeing their dirty underwear and their daily habits instead of their best self. I have to confess, I am just not into the domestic relationships because of that. I'm just not that easy going. I was never cut out for living together. I have always, since I was young, envisioned the best way for me to be with a man would be one big house with separate wings, doing most domestic things separate but having him nearby. I still feel that way.

[wmacbride]

Many marry between the 1-2 year mark. The question is pretty general, no specific reason other than if it is why some marriages fail or end up not being great ones once the limerance wears off. Then what?

 

I think you're right about this.

 

I really believe too many people are more in love with the idea of being married, planning a wedding, etc. than the actual marriage itself. I'm sure you've met people like that. they spend months and tens of thousands of dollars on one day, but pay scant attention on planning the rest.

 

I'm not sure if length of time before marriage correlates to length of the marriage. I got "engaged" to my husband almost right after we met ( a day or so after) and we're still together, 20 years this august. It hasn't always been a bed of roses, but we are happy.

[GoodOnPaper]

Don't knock the initial infatuation stage. I agree that many people overestimate it as an indicator of true love but this stage serves an important role in a couple's bonding should their relationship become an LTR.

 

Speaking as someone who didn't really feel a honeymoon stage with my wife - she was the one more interested and did all the heavy lifting in terms of moving the relationship forward - you can have everything you need from a compatibility standpoint, including enjoying each other's company, making each other laugh, treating each other with affection, care, and respect, actually liking each other, but if the physical intimacy doesn't keep up, even the most stable, lasting LTR can feel hollow and unsatisfying.