amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Is it abusive or normal or what?? Personally I think it's wrong to not talk about what's bothering you....I don't want to deal with PA bs but that's just me...what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Don't know what PA is in this context.... I once dumped a guy who gave me the silent treatment. I have never regretted it. To this day, I do not know what was on his mind at the time. I don't know if the relationship was the problem or if it was something else. But I really don't care. Now, I understand that not everyone wants to share whatever is on their mind and this is their prerogative. I like to mull stuff over before talking about it. But if a person doesn't want to share, they shouldn't go around being sulky and quiet and making everyone else's life a misery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 It's abusive, its called stonewalling. My ex used to do it regularly to punish me, it could last weeks. I can't bear it now. Total refusal to communicate is nothing but bad news for any relationship, be it friends, family or partner. Time out is different however, and is characterisised by communicating i.e I need a time out, lets talk about this in an hour, or however long you need to reflect and calm down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Depends. Can be abusive and manipulative. Can be necessary to diffuse a situation or give a person respite. Temporary peace of mind. It depends on the intent: To inflict harm or seek peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 It is usually a bad sign and red flag. But since there's an element of danger, you don't pressure a man into interacting when he's doing it because it can be dangerous. Some people need a while to process it and get over their initial reaction. But if they stonewall and never do address it, you just have a manipulator who wants his way all the time on your hands and won't ever be wrong or compromise -- a bad union. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 (edited) Yeah spot on Mnd. Don't think l've ever known a girl anyway that doesn't do at least a bit of the silent treatment when she's pissed. It's got it's good points though because it often helps stop a fight or things going on and turning into total bs, like they tend to when your both pissed. Usually to , few hours later , you both realize it was mainly total bs or you've thought it through properly and stuff. So l say it can have it's good points. For weeks though , forget it , lifes too short to waste that much time . But even so , even the best of marriages probably had a few wks somewhere in there where they weren't talking. But the ones that actually make a way of life out of it and every second day they're in a huff, forget it , they's got problems. Edited July 15, 2017 by Chilli 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Yeah spot on Mnd. Don't think l've ever known a girl anyway that doesn't do at least a bit of the silent treatment when she's pissed. It's got it's good points though because it often helps stop a fight or things going on and turning into total bs, like they tend to when your both pissed. Usually to , few hours later , you both realize it was mainly total bs or you've thought it through properly and stuff. So l say it can have it's good points. For weeks though , forget it , lifes too short to waste that much time . But even so , even the best of marriages probably had a few wks somewhere in there where they weren't talking. But the ones that actually make a way of life out of it and every second day they're in a huff, forget it , they's got problems. Yep. Sometimes the best way to end an argument is for one partner to shut up. The other partner who wants to continue to fight sometimes accuses them of "the silent treatment". Which is abusive and manipulative also. The truth is it depends on the intent. Sometimes we need to STOP talking. Seeking peace is not a bad thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Yeah spot on Mnd. Don't think l've ever known a girl anyway that doesn't do at least a bit of the silent treatment when she's pissed. It's got it's good points though because it often helps stop a fight or things going on and turning into total bs, like they tend to when your both pissed. Usually to , few hours later , you both realize it was mainly total bs or you've thought it through properly and stuff. I don't understand. If we've been bickering, I've said "let's drop this subject" and then we go on with life as usual. A person doesn't need to go silent to stop a disagreement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I don't understand. If we've been bickering, I've said "let's drop this subject" and then we go on with life as usual. A person doesn't need to go silent to stop a disagreement. Sometimes your partner will not stop arguing even if you ask them to drop the subject. If they will not agree to table the discussion, going silent may be the only way to stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Is it abusive or normal or what?? Personally I think it's wrong to not talk about what's bothering you....I don't want to deal with PA bs but that's just me...what do you think? I think it's abusive and cruel. The silent treatment is intentional as it takes effort to completely ignore someone. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I think women and men differ here... I think most men are conflict avoidant, so its a subtle way of not engaging a woman in what would likely result in some battle...Over time it just blows over... Women, IME, always want to talk stuff out...They want all the details and all the emotions.. I dunno if its cruel or not, I guess if its used as a form of passive aggression, then I suppose so.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Sometimes your partner will not stop arguing even if you ask them to drop the subject. If they will not agree to table the discussion, going silent may be the only way to stop it. I don't see a dysfunctional relationship as being a justification for silent treatment. Better to get out than be equally dysfunctional. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) I think women and men differ here... I think most men are conflict avoidant, so its a subtle way of not engaging a woman in what would likely result in some battle...Over time it just blows over... Women, IME, always want to talk stuff out...They want all the details and all the emotions.. I dunno if its cruel or not, I guess if its used as a form of passive aggression, then I suppose so.. TFY I agree that many guys prefer to keep stuff inside rather than talk. However, many men can keep their thoughts to themselves without doing the whole "silent treatment" thing. Out of all the guys I've seriously dated, I've only known one who would refuse to speak at all when upset. And he was later diagnosed with a mental illness. Silent treatment (as in refusing to speak to your partner for many hours or days) is not a common trait for men. Edited July 17, 2017 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Men handle conflict all of the time. Men generally want peace at home. Home is a sanctuary. Men don't want to go out every day to fight the lions and kill the bears only to have to come home to fight with his woman. When it gets to the point of a man shutting down and totally withdrawing, it can mean the conflict has passed the point where "we can disagree without being disagreeable". It's now disagreeable and he wants no part of it. So, it's best to just shut up. As the old song says "It ain't what you do, it's how you do it. It ain't what you say, it's how you say it". Sometimes both parties need better ways to deal with conflict. Insisting that a man talk it out may not always be the best option. Especially when the conversation has devolved into something negative, nasty, and counter-productive. Link to post Share on other sites
aurelius99 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I stonewalled and gave my ex the silent treatment. Why? Because she regularly assaulted me and I decided to leave and never look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Until you have that bear or lion in my freezer ready to cook, you didn't ****ing kill a lion or a bear today. Us womenz know our place. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Until you have that bear or lion in my freezer ready to cook, you didn't ****ing kill a lion or a bear today. Us womenz know our place. You already had a lion and a bear in the freezer? Dadgummit! We could have gone to Six Flags today! Seriously, though. Why is saying men generally want peace at home offensive? I was clearly joking about the lions and bears. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Women want peace at home, too. And we do our own share of fighting the lions and the bears. Yes, communication is key. You can't communicate when one partner shuts down. I was clearly jabbing, too. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Women want peace at home, too. And we do our own share of fighting the lions and the bears. Yes, communication is key. You can't communicate when one partner shuts down. I was clearly jabbing, too. Okay. I can accept that women want peace at home also and that you all also fight the lions and bears. That's fair and true. My point is all communication is not good communication. All of it is not productive or conducive to having a good relationship. Why is it impossible to accept that, at times, silence is better than toxic communication? At least temporarily? I've conceded that the silent treatment with any harmful intent is bad and not desirable. That goes without saying. I'm just saying silence is not ALWAYS bad. Depends on the situation and intent. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I don't disagree with a time-out. The silent treatment, by my understanding is completely different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 If the silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally with someone who desires communication, then it cannot always be bad. Some people are desirous of toxic communication. Some people wanting to "talk it out" can have ill intent also. Can be poor communicators. Could be being physically or verbally abusive while wanting to "talk it out". There are lots of reasons silence may be a preferred to continuing to talk to someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aurelius99 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) Men generally want peace at home. Home is a sanctuary. Men don't want to go out every day to fight the lions and kill the bears only to have to come home to fight with his woman. Bingo. I realized after 3 decades on this planet that, while us men view our homes as a refuge and sanctuary from work, women do not. To them, home is a work zone. (And guess who does the work? I mean the real work like home improvements, fixing broken things, etc.) In a woman's mind, everything spills over into all areas of her life. There is no compartmentalization. Home is a war zone to them if even one tiny thing is wrong in their life. After realizing this, it was one more reason in the bucket why I decided I'll never get married again. Edited July 17, 2017 by aurelius99 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) If the silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally with someone who desires communication, then it cannot always be bad. Some people are desirous of toxic communication. Some people wanting to "talk it out" can have ill intent also. Can be poor communicators. Could be being physically or verbally abusive while wanting to "talk it out". There are lots of reasons silence may be a preferred to continuing to talk to someone. I understand refusing to continue an argument. Or to rehash a disagreement yet again. But what if the communication being refused is part of everyday life? "Hey, would you like pizza for dinner?" "I'm working late tomorrow, can you pick the kids up?" "Did you hear Johnny won an award at school today?" "Is your cold getting better?" I cannot see how absolute refusal to speak a word about *anything* is not toxic. Likewise, the guy I mentioned earlier would just stop talking without even an obvious trigger. I went through it with him and removed him from my life as far as possible. He later married a friend and started the behaviour again. He wouldn't even speak to their kids when he was doing silent treatment. Surely refusing to speak a word to anyone in the household - including little children - would be broadly viewed as toxic. Just to be clear this ^^ is the type of behaviour which I'm referring to when I talk about silent treatment. Edited July 17, 2017 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I understand refusing to continue an argument. Or to rehash a disagreement yet again. But what if the communication being refused is part of everyday life? "Hey, would you like pizza for dinner?" "I'm working late tomorrow, can you pick the kids up?" "Did you hear Johnny won an award at school today?" "Is your cold getting better?" I cannot see how absolute refusal to speak a word about *anything* is not toxic. Likewise, the guy I mentioned earlier would just stop talking without even an obvious trigger. I went through it with him and removed him from my life as far as possible. He later married a friend and started the behaviour again. He wouldn't even speak to their kids when he was doing silent treatment. Surely refusing to speak a word to anyone in the household - including little children - would be broadly viewed as toxic. Just to be clear this ^^ is the type of behaviour which I'm referring to when I talk about silent treatment. Those situations are clearly abusive. Unacceptable. In situations like that, I totally agree with you. The silent treatment is harmful in those cases and, what's worse, intentionally so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 It's always tricky discussing a question when there's no parameters describing the behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
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