KBob Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 So we've been introduced to the parents and it's been established as a serious relationship so I'll post this here. Had plans with the gf to spend the night together tomorrow, which we only get to do once (or twice if we're lucky) because of conflicting work schedules. So last night she texts me that she might not make it that night because her coworker is leaving to work overseas for a few months and he wants to have breakfast with her before he goes. I asked why, if it was breakfast, she needed to cancel for the night. Didn't get a response right away and since I had to up early for work I sent a goodnight text and hit the hay. Got a goodnight text back but no answer to my question. Haven't heard anything so far this morning. I know it's not a big deal for a person to have friends of the opposite sex, but I know that I wouldn't ever cancel a date to hang out with a female friend the next day, especially when it doesn't seem necessary to cancel. If it were me i would stay over and duck out early anf try to meet again later. I can't always hold people to the standard I set for myself, but my gut is feeling wrong about this, and no matter how much I try I can't bring myself to feel that it would be right if I did this to her. Thoughts anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Kbob, she had to cancel for the night because she was going to be busy getting boned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KBob Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Ouch, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I don't like to assume because, well, you know But I would push for an explanation on this. It seems odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KBob Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 This did pop into my mind and I didn't want to go there but hearing a couple people mention it resonates with me. I will definitely be wanting an explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Don't get serious with this girl. The fact that she didn't think through fully how her text would appear to you should show you she isn't the smartest banana in the bunch. Fact is, she was so excited about spending the night with her 'friend' that she didn't even consider how it would look. At this point, I would straight up ask her how spending the night having steamy goodbye sex with her pal went, and if it was worth sacrificing your relationship over? Say it without emotion, like you are discussing the weather. If she gets upset, ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph? I think you will be surprised at the excuses she comes up with to avoid that! Then ghost her. Go full NC because she is a liar and a cheat and doesn't deserve anything more from an honorable man such as yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KBob Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Don't get serious with this girl. The fact that she didn't think through fully how her text would appear to you should show you she isn't the smartest banana in the bunch. Fact is, she was so excited about spending the night with her 'friend' that she didn't even consider how it would look. At this point, I would straight up ask her how spending the night having steamy goodbye sex with her pal went, and if it was worth sacrificing your relationship over? Say it without emotion, like you are discussing the weather. If she gets upset, ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph? I think you will be surprised at the excuses she comes up with to avoid that! Then ghost her. Go full NC because she is a liar and a cheat and doesn't deserve anything more from an honorable man such as yourself. I don't want to dive too deep in that rabbit hole yet. We do live around 40 minutes from each other and she works until 10 that night. Still, a breakfast get together doesn't have to be first thing in the morning. I'm going to suggest we keep it an early night and try to whittle down her excuse list from there. If she seems further shady about it i may take a drive by and see if her car is at her house that night. I know that sounds childish but I would have to have proof to go at a girl with what you suggested. If I was wrong it would definitely torpedo the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Too bad this event is going to happen right now. It really doesn't give you much time to plan out a course of action, like putting a GPS on her car... but, if you are driving to her house and just parking to see when she gets home, you will at least know she is lying... especially if she tells you that she was home. At that point I would demote her to FWB status, and start looking for someone else...good luck, and do keep us updated Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Still, a breakfast get together doesn't have to be first thing in the morning. Breakfast with co-workers are traditionally first thing in the morning, before work. What if she'd said to you "Just giving you a heads up: I have to get up an hour early tomorrow because I've got an early breakfast with coworker"? It seems odd that she'd cancel the whole sleepover instead of just ending it early. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KBob Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Breakfast with co-workers are traditionally first thing in the morning, before work. What if she'd said to you "Just giving you a heads up: I have to get up an hour early tomorrow because I've got an early breakfast with coworker"? It seems odd that she'd cancel the whole sleepover instead of just ending it early. I'll give you that. I'm a shift worker so I'm not up on the 9-5 M-F etiquette. My thoughts exactly! The whole night doesn't need to be cancelled, and I asked her last night why she thoight it did and so far no reply. Very odd, indeed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Whether she is getting boned or not, she just chose a guy friend over spending limited time with you. She has demoted you on the priority list and has such little respect for you that she knows you will be waiting like a puppy dog when she's available. And won't even answer your question. Asking for an explanation will get you a lie or attitude or fight. I would demote her on your priority list as well even if there is no cheating. She does not respect you and if a woman does not respect you she will never love you. She should be moving mountains to be with you. Not canceling plans and ditching you. If you feel the need to confirm her story you don't trust her and there is usually a good reason. You don't want to spend your time always looking over your shoulder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KBob Posted July 13, 2017 Author Share Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) Whether she is getting boned or not, she just chose a guy friend over spending limited time with you. She has demoted you on the priority list and has such little respect for you that she knows you will be waiting like a puppy dog when she's available. And won't even answer your question. Asking for an explanation will get you a lie or attitude or fight. I would demote her on your priority list as well even if there is no cheating. She does not respect you and if a woman does not respect you she will never love you. She should be moving mountains to be with you. Not canceling plans and ditching you. If you feel the need to confirm her story you don't trust her and there is usually a good reason. You don't want to spend your time always looking over your shoulder. I understand what you're getting at. I talked to her this evening and she didn't even answer the question on her own again, I had to restart the conversation. And on top of it she didn't feel like she'd done anything wrong, she actually said she felt like she had to ask me permission and that she wasn't necessarily cancelling plans. So all of this worries me, and I was pretty up front about that and about telling her how bailing on me and not answering my questions was disrespectful and how her actions don't show that she values time together with me. She was receptive and tried explaining that she was trying to be communicative by mentioning it to me (her biggest flaw I've found is bad communication) and I feel that she's most likely being genuine and could actually be a bumbling dough head when it comes to relationships (which I've had thoughts about before based on some of her actions). She also asked if I still wanted her to come over tomorrow night. I'm going to mull over this tonight. I feel like I'm in the process of deciding whether this is worth further investment or not. It sucks when someone who seems really good shows their cards like this, but I'm just going to have to go through the motions of deciding what's best for me in this case. Edited July 13, 2017 by KBob 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KBob Posted July 13, 2017 Author Share Posted July 13, 2017 So after thinking about it for the night and half the day some things came to light. I'm not a jealous person so I hadn't really thought of them much when they happened but after yesterday it's sort of all fitting together. She has a lot of guy friends, which doesn't seem out of the ordinary since she is a bit of a tough farm girl. That wouldn't ordinarily concern me much, but I know when dealing with friends of the opposite sex, boundaries within the relationship need to be present. And there are clear signs that so far there aren't any. I've only met one of her friends a couple weeks ago(guy), the day I met her parents, and it came to light on Saturday that he was a former lover from age 16-17, and they're still friends. I know it was a long time ago and she tried telling me that they only are around each other at parties, but how his identity was revealed was shady. And he's the only friend I've met in the near three months we've been together. There was an opportunity where she could have invited me to her friends birthday party but she didn't. And whenever she'd meet a friend for lunch or whatever she would never tell me who unless I asked. So these signs weren't of much concern to me at the time but as I think about them they add up. She doesn't have much relationship experience and is used to being alone and independent (world traveller), so things don't come to her easily when she needs to think about someone else. This is what she told me during a talk last Saturday. I don't really believe she's cheating on me, one reason being she told me she hadn't had sex with anyone in the year before we met. She's a little closed off and that is what has made it hard to read her but I get the impression she is not very confident in making relationship decisions. Despite all of that I'm going to bring what I mentioned up when she comes over tonight for the purpose of setting boundaries, because I believe they very much need to be set. I'm going to gauge her reaction and if she's hostile to me bringing it up then it will have to end, which is unfortunate because other than this she seems like a good girl, but I'm a firm believer that trust needs to be established and so far I have some very dodgy behaviour address. Link to post Share on other sites
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