My boyfriend of 2.5 years kissed another girl and I find out a year later

[Sarashaeline]

It wasn't sex, it was just a kiss. I'm aware it could've been much worse but it was still hurtful. At the time we were rocky and he felt like we were falling apart and that he wasn't wanted. At a party where alcohol was involved he was upset and this girl comforted him and gave him that feeling of being wanted and they ended up kissing. She initiated it but he went with it so he's just as guilty. Then he said once it happened it was instant regret. We've never had trust issues or problems with cheating in the past.

 

My bf is a very sincere person and very honorable and honest, well aside from this he is. He says this is the worst thing he's ever done in his life. The next thing he did was told her and every one of our friends not to tell and if they were going to then he would rather tell me himself. Now I found out the truth about this a year later. If he would've told me she had kissed him i would've been mad, but I would've had my say and she would've never came around again. But because he didn't tell me, I was hurt by all my so called friends. Everyone hid it for the last year and to make matters worse our whole group of friends let her come around and try to be fake friends with me. And the entire time my bf never told her it was wrong or that she shouldn't come around. He says he only was worried about me not finding out more than anything because he didn't want to lose me. That was selfish and he was more worried about keeping her from getting mad and telling me than my well being in the long run. She got to feel safe and secure, hang out with the same friends, mess with my feelings, and she never lost any sleep over it. She also slept with and pursued 3 other guys in our friend group, which is a huge red flag but no one did anything. I realized that my friends never had my back and they aren't true friends. I've been in the dark so long that now I can't defend myself or my relationship in any way. My bf is incredibly apologetic, but I'm just so hurt. Not by just him but by everyone.

 

If I would've known this happened then instead of a year later there would be a lot less emotional damage, but now I feel betrayed by everyone I've known for the last 2.5 years. Yes it was just a kiss and I realize that, and I love my bf more than anything, but now I'm faced with lots of hurt, doubt, humiliation, and betrayal. I do believe that my bf feels so guilty that he will never do it again, and based off of the person he is I do believe him. But Idk how I'm going to be able to cope and deal with my emotional side of things. He cut off all communication with her and avoided her ever since and this was never an on going thing with this other girl. They kissed, he realized it was a mistake, and that was it. But it still doesn't change how terrible I feel. Any advice is very appreciated, thanks!

[Violetstar]

If everyone hid it how did you find out?

 

The SAME EXACT thing happened to me. Except I found out 2 months later instead of 2 years later. My friends lied about it and that girl hung out in our group of friends.

 

I know what you're going through and if they were YOUR friends they should have had your back and told you immediately.

 

The thing is, it happened a while back ago. So you can either forgive and forget, or completely let him go. I REALLY HOPE YOU ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS WITH THAT GROUP OR THAT GIRL!

Because the humiliation and betrayal sucks and it'll be difficult to ever trust that group of friends... ever again.

 

It's a really hard decision because it happened so long ago. And it was just a kiss.

But it still hurts. He still cheated on you. And then he went around asking people to lie for him.

I know he did that because he loved you and didn't want to lose you.

But he still did it.

And he used being drunk and having problems as an excuse. Believe me, that's the oldest lie in the book and thats exactly what my ex said.

 

Ask yourself:

How serious is this relationship? How much do you trust him now? How much did you trust him then?

Do you believe he'll never do it again? What if he has?

 

If it were me, it isn't the fact that he kissed the girl. It's the fact that the girl still hung around you guys and the fact that he tried to cover it up and the fact that EVERYONE KNEW, that would be enough cause for a breakup.

A painful, messy breakup.

 

But it's your choice.

[Phoenician]

IMO if you are unable to bypass it your partnership with this guy will be ruined in the future .

 

 

You said that at that point of time your relation was rocky , meaning that he was weak , a beautiful girl took advantage and they just enjoyed the moment ;

 

frankly , I don't see it a big thing (unless there is soemthing more than just a french kiss ), we are human , we do mistakes , we apologize feel guilty and that's it .

 

victimizing and making issues out of nothing just leads to self destruction .

 

In 20 years from now , you would learn that givology is a key factor to stay with a partner not just trust and chemistry .

 

The more you punish him , the more he will feel guilty about it ,

 

if you love him IMO you shouldn't .

[elaine567]

My bf is a very sincere person and very honorable and honest, well aside from this he is.

 

Exactly. I think you may need to revise that opinion of him.

 

He says this is the worst thing he's ever done in his life. The next thing he did was told her and every one of our friends not to tell and if they were going to then he would rather tell me himself. Now I found out the truth about this a year later... Everyone hid it for the last year and to make matters worse our whole group of friends let her come around and try to be fake friends with me. And the entire time my bf never told her it was wrong or that she shouldn't come around. He says he only was worried about me not finding out more than anything because he didn't want to lose me.

 

These are not the actions of a sincere and honourable guy.

How do you know it was just a kiss? YOU don't, because obviously neither he or her or this group of friends are going to tell you otherwise, are they?

 

YOU can no longer trust a word he says, as you now know he is capable of going the extra mile to cover his tracks.

 

She also slept with and pursued 3 other guys in our friend group

Why would she stop with just a kiss in your bf's case?

[Steve51]

You need to ask yourself why it still bothers you after all this time, and all that he has done since. It does not bode well for a marriage if you are going to stay angry for this because you may have a jealousy problem that can destroy a marriage. Think carefully. You are not engaged or married so there is no formal commitment yet. The reason we date before committing to marriage via an engagement ring, is to explore and learn what we want. What he did is not nice but it certainly is not enough to be angry about for as long as you have been. Until there is a ring on your finger, you are still just dating with no formal commitments. This is the time to decide whether he is a keeper or not. So many divorces because people marry thinking things will change afterwards. They rarely do. What you see is what you get. I have had sex with girls with boyfriends and their boyfriends had sex with other girls. It happens more than you realize. When I wanted to be exclusive, I got engaged to my wife even though it was just 3 weeks after we met. Any relationship before then was just trying each other out to see if we were ready to be with just one person for the rest of our lives.

 

I had a lot of girlfriends that came and went. Some were very short term and others were a year or more. Sometimes they had sex/made out with others and sometimes I did. Dating is the proving ground and a good indication of what to expect if we got married. I never stayed with a girl who was unfaithful to me and no girl stayed with me if I was unfaithful to her. That is the beauty of dating. We get to learn, make mistakes and find out what we really like and can forgive. As a result of not staying with a woman who did something that was going to bother me for a long time, I met my wife of 45 years and have had a wonderful marriage. I am happy that my ex fiance cheated on me and that some of my old girlfriends kissed another boy or slept with them. My current life is a result of all that they did, good and bad.

[Arieswoman]

Steve51 talks a lot of sense,

 

Dating is the proving ground and a good indication of what to expect if we got married. I never stayed with a girl who was unfaithful to me and no girl stayed with me if I was unfaithful to her.

 

Years ago I was engaged to a guy and he kissed one of my best friends. I was angry but let it go. 6 months later he cheated on me. we broke up.

 

My exH had a one-night-stand with a girl I knew just after we first met (we weren't exclusive). I was ready to dump him but friends told me that "he doesn't even like x, he likes you" and persuaded me to carry on seeing him.

He also allowed a friend of mine to kiss him at a party about 3 months later. This was a year before we married. I let it go because they had both had a drink.

I went on to marry that guy, he cheated and I divorced him.

 

It goes back to that old adage;

 

When someone shows you who they are - believe them.