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Losing attraction to boyfriend after he got sick: feeling guilty :(


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Old 11th June 2017, 10:42 AM   #1
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Losing attraction to boyfriend after he got sick: feeling guilty :(

My boyfriend went for heart surgery a while ago. Since then, I've felt that I'm slowly losing my attraction to him. We haven't had sex since the surgery, since I'm afraid of giving him another heart attack. He also hasn't been able to exercise at all, and he's getting really flabby. I used to love his firm chest, but recently I've been putting my hand on his chest to check his heart, and it feels really soft like man boobs! I know I should be standing by him when he needs it most (and I have been supporting him emotionally), but I really can't force myself to feel more attracted. What should I do?
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Old 11th June 2017, 10:52 AM   #2
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Your screen name implies that you care about fitness. You were attracted to your BF for the man he was on the outside. Your emotional connection is not that deep but you are a decent person which is why you feel guilty dumping him now. Still you have to


Don't be mean about it but do end things & let him move on with his life
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Old 11th June 2017, 11:00 AM   #3
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Break up.

It's the typical case of looks vs what's inside.
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Old 11th June 2017, 2:31 PM   #4
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Yeah give your boyfriend the best gift you can help him get on with his recovery please remove yourself from his life he really doesn't need any shallow people in his life right now. During this very trumatic maybe life ending situation that he's going through right now... Sorry this whole messed up situation is such an inconvenient to you . Wow this guy might die she's worried about her pathetic sex life. Yep it looks like the societies got another BPD or a Narcissistic personality disorder ready to jump back in the dating pool.
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Old 11th June 2017, 2:37 PM   #5
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You guys are being a bit harsh... nobody gets to choose what they're attracted to.

If he was in good shape before, then sooner or later he'll likely want to get back in shape again. While he's recovering though, you'll just have to deal with it. Give it time.
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Old 11th June 2017, 2:55 PM   #6
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OP: I gather from your other threads that you have only started this relationship very recently (please correct me if I'm wrong). Since you guys haven't built the foundation for a solid relationship to handle this mishap, I wouldn't judge you harshly for losing your attraction. Especially if you were first attracted to your boyfriend mainly for his athletic body shape (or other similar superficial traits), this is to be expected, sadly.
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Old 11th June 2017, 4:12 PM   #7
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I agree you should probably break up with him because it seems to me you're either not ready for an in-depth relationship or you just don't care that much for this particular guy, most likely the latter.

Anyone who is inactive for awhile will begin to have muscle changes. I heard that even when you're sick in bed for a few days your muscle strength decreases quite a bit since you aren't using them.

Point is that this would likely be the case with others you may date.You may become involved with someone who has an automobile accident that changes their appearance in some way. Or a person who loses a leg or some other limb due to an accident.

Seems to me it's important to love who the person is that you're dating, not just their appearance. That will change over the years, anyway, even if accident or illness doesn't alter it.

Sounds as if you don't really care for this guy that much and the attraction to him is just superficial. So, yes, let him go.
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Old 11th June 2017, 6:37 PM   #8
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Man this place is full of judgmental people. You guys are no better than her for calling her shallow. She's just being honest...OP just give it time. The guy just got surgery so of course he's gonna be out of shape. Hello...surely you didn't get with him just because he looks good....did you? He needs time to recover. Be patient.
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Old 11th June 2017, 6:52 PM   #9
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But her thoughts ARE shallow. The very definition of shallow is not being able to see further than the skin deep.

I've had friends who've had ongoing/terminal illnesses. They couldn't just get back into the gym and make themselves look good again. Love in a relationship should be able to sustain through issues like this.
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Old 11th June 2017, 8:13 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ZayKayWill View Post
Man this place is full of judgmental people. You guys are no better than her for calling her shallow. She's just being honest...OP just give it time. The guy just got surgery so of course he's gonna be out of shape. Hello...surely you didn't get with him just because he looks good....did you? He needs time to recover. Be patient.
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
But her thoughts ARE shallow. The very definition of shallow is not being able to see further than the skin deep.

I've had friends who've had ongoing/terminal illnesses. They couldn't just get back into the gym and make themselves look good again. Love in a relationship should be able to sustain through issues like this.
ZayKayWill, basil67 is right.

When you write, "You guys are no better than her..." it seems you are judging those who are trying to help her see she'd be better off out of this relationship she's not truly interested in.

Shallow does not mean bad or evil. It means surface level.

No one is saying she's a bad person for seeing this in a shallow way. Relationships are a little more complex that what appears on the surface so folks are pointing that out, NOT saying she is evil, mean, bad or whatever.

Most of us have, at some time or another, focused on the superficial in a relationship but we figure that out at some point and move on if what is below the surface isn't appealing to us. That's all we're doing is trying to help her realize her superficial (shallow) interest in this guy and move on to someone she is truly interested in for what's beneath the surface.

No sense in waiting for him to get his physique back because something else could happen to him where he couldn't work out and then she'd be back where she is now, with a guy who isn't appealing to her.
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Old 12th June 2017, 3:48 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by belle_athletic View Post
My boyfriend went for heart surgery a while ago. Since then, I've felt that I'm slowly losing my attraction to him. We haven't had sex since the surgery, since I'm afraid of giving him another heart attack. He also hasn't been able to exercise at all, and he's getting really flabby. I used to love his firm chest, but recently I've been putting my hand on his chest to check his heart, and it feels really soft like man boobs! I know I should be standing by him when he needs it most (and I have been supporting him emotionally), but I really can't force myself to feel more attracted. What should I do?
I guess you should end this now before you get to the "in sickness and health"/better or for worse point . . .
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Old 12th June 2017, 4:33 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by ZayKayWill View Post
Man this place is full of judgmental people. You guys are no better than her for calling her shallow. She's just being honest...OP just give it time. .

I agree that she's being honest but that honesty is leading her away from him. If she is no longer attracted to him, there is no point in staying.


I don't think time & him healing will change her view of him.
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Old 15th June 2017, 3:00 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I agree that she's being honest but that honesty is leading her away from him. If she is no longer attracted to him, there is no point in staying.


I don't think time & him healing will change her view of him.
Losing attraction to someone doesn't mean you stop loving or caring about them. I think she is just in shock in how she went from being attracted to not being attracted and is just wondering how she should feel or go about it which I guess is shallow but still fair IMO. Not sure why everyone is suggesting she immediately break up with him. Still seems very clear to me that she still cares about him.
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Old 16th June 2017, 10:02 AM   #14
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Something serious like heart surgery strips away the light and casual aspects of a relationship whether the couple is ready or not. To get through something like this intact, both parties have to look at things through more of an LTR lens, and it looks like the OP can't do that.

It can be the injured/sick person that comes to this realization, too. When I graduated from college, my gf of just a couple months and I left things hanging even though we were going to live 500 miles apart. There was really no concerted effort to maintain an LDR thing - I did make one visit after a few weeks of little contact. Then after a few more weeks of almost no contact, she calls and tells me that she was in a serious car accident. She said not to make the trip to see her but I thought, why would she make that call if she didn't feel some type of LTR attachment and expectation on my part? So, after dealing with the initial deer-in-the-headlights feeling, I stepped up, made the trip, and helped take care of her for over a week. When it came time for me to leave, she promptly broke up with me.

The OP does come off rather cold and shallow, but trying to fake more of a commitment won't help in the end.
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