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How do we classify an emotional affair?


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Yeah, been pondering the above question for quite sometime now. Can you guys help me with what exactly would be called an EA?

 

My specific situation: Been talking to a guy, married of course. I'm single. We've known each other for a very long time through mutual acquaintances. For the past three years, we became closer. We met in person for coffee only twice. He asked me out a couple times more but I refused, telling him it'd look too much like a date. But we chat on fb quite regularly. Sometimes almost daily, to be exact. When he's very busy with work, we would go without talking for weeks. THis happened only two or three times in the past. Once his work is less, he'd always go back to talking to me. Sometimes not daily, but at least a few times a week.

 

There are no "i love you" or "i miss you", no professions of love or affection, none of that. However, he keeps telling me i'm his soulmate, bla bla bla, and that he talks to no one more than me, i'm the only one he shares all his deepest secrets.....

 

To me, he's just a friend. I don't fantasize him or even miss him. I just enjoy talking to him. That's it.

 

Would this be qualified as an emotional affair? I wouldn't want that but I'm just asking to make sure it is not.

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Darren Steez

Not quite sure how talking to a married man who tells you you're his soulmate qualifies as anything else.

 

At the very least if you haven't told him you're leading him on by continuing communication

At the most somewhere there's a wife who's husband is talking to another woman almost everyday and considers her his soulmate..

Edited by Darren Steez
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salparadise
To me, he's just a friend. I don't fantasize him or even miss him. I just enjoy talking to him. That's it. Would this be qualified as an emotional affair? I wouldn't want that but I'm just asking to make sure it is not.

 

[]

If it means so little to you, then why don't you give this wife her husband back? Do you actually believe that you' get nothing out of this beyond some pleasant conversation?

 

I do believe the part about HIM meaning little or nothing to you, however.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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My specific situation: Been talking to a guy, married of course. I'm single. We've known each other for a very long time through mutual acquaintances. For the past three years, we became closer. We met in person for coffee only twice. He asked me out a couple times more but I refused, telling him it'd look too much like a date. But we chat on fb quite regularly. Sometimes almost daily, to be exact. When he's very busy with work, we would go without talking for weeks. THis happened only two or three times in the past. Once his work is less, he'd always go back to talking to me. Sometimes not daily, but at least a few times a week.

 

There are no "i love you" or "i miss you", no professions of love or affection, none of that.

Perhaps OK, coworkers can become close, but I guess his wife is probably unaware of you and that is where it gets iffy.

 

BUT and it is a huge BUT

However, he keeps telling me i'm his soulmate, bla bla bla, and that he talks to no one more than me, i'm the only one he shares all his deepest secrets.....

^^^This is not OK and is in EA territory.

He is, I guess, grooming you for bigger things here.

A married man should not be telling another woman she is his "soulmate", nor should he be sharing his "deepest secrets" with her.

 

Cheating occurs when one partner goes outside the marriage to look for a connection, either physical or EMOTIONAL.
By sharing secrets with you, he is building up a "special" emotional connection with you and that is cheating.
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Friskyone4u
Yeah, been pondering the above question for quite sometime now. Can you guys help me with what exactly would be called an EA?

 

My specific situation: Been talking to a guy, married of course. I'm single. We've known each other for a very long time through mutual acquaintances. For the past three years, we became closer. We met in person for coffee only twice. He asked me out a couple times more but I refused, telling him it'd look too much like a date. But we chat on fb quite regularly. Sometimes almost daily, to be exact. When he's very busy with work, we would go without talking for weeks. THis happened only two or three times in the past. Once his work is less, he'd always go back to talking to me. Sometimes not daily, but at least a few times a week.

 

There are no "i love you" or "i miss you", no professions of love or affection, none of that. However, he keeps telling me i'm his soulmate, bla bla bla, and that he talks to no one more than me, i'm the only one he shares all his deepest secrets.....

 

To me, he's just a friend. I don't fantasize him or even miss him. I just enjoy talking to him. That's it.

 

Would this be qualified as an emotional affair? I wouldn't want that but I'm just asking to make sure it is not.

 

You might want to read a book called "Not Just Friends" and you will see where you are headed being his "soulmate". Married men do not have single female soulmates and you sound too intelligent not to know that, and not to know where he is headed.

 

Keep doing what you are doing and you will shortly be posting in the OM forum. And if you are single and meet a guy that is single who you really like, are you planning on telling him about your "soulmate"?????

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somanymistakes

While there ARE people who use that word platonically, 90% of the time when someone pulls out 'soulmate' they are thinking in a romantic direction.

 

There are no "i love you" or "i miss you", no professions of love or affection, none of that. However, he keeps telling me i'm his soulmate, bla bla bla, and that he talks to no one more than me, i'm the only one he shares all his deepest secrets.....

 

These are professions of love and affection, they're just using different words.

 

What he apparently hasn't done, yet, is hint about sexual affection.

 

Now, despite what some people say about men, it's not a 100% guarantee that he's hoping to get into your pants. There are some people with kind of messed-up views about sexuality who keep friendship and romance entirely separate, who wouldn't DREAM of having a deep conversation with their wives (that's not what a wife is for) and would find it inappropriate to get kissy with a friend (that's not what a friend is for).

 

But if he's reaching for this emotional connection outside of his marriage, even if he means it only emotionally and not sexually, if his wife doesn't know about it, it falls into dodgy territory.

 

Also, on the odds, it's likely that he's hoping it will become more than this.

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Starswillshine

I think the fact that you are here, asking this question, is the answer you need. He is not being appropriate. He has some very loose boundaries. Make yourself busy more when he is trying to chat. You don't always have to be available. He wont know.

 

If you keep down this path, you could very well end up a full time poster here. Read the pain these women are facing. Those currently in an affair, those trying to leave, and those dealing with the aftermath. There are no winners. No one goes through an affair without tons of heartbreak.

 

I 2nd the advice to read the book Not Just Friends. It is a great read. For your own sake... stay away from this guy. Who knows what sort of drama is waiting on the other side.

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salparadise
There are some people with kind of messed-up views about sexuality who keep friendship and romance entirely separate, who wouldn't DREAM of having a deep conversation with their wives (that's not what a wife is for) and would find it inappropriate to get kissy with a friend (that's not what a friend is for).

 

Yes. Apparently. I guess we're all delusional. Thanks for setting us straight.

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Yes. Apparently. I guess we're all delusional. Thanks for setting us straight.

 

Huh? Why are you offended by what that poster said? I've met men who think and act exactly like she described. They don't consider their spouse as a friend who they would open up to and have intimate conversations with but at the same time they don't consider it cheating to become emotionally intimate and attached to another woman as long as there is no sex. Why do you feel insulted by the poster who said this?

 

OP it's definitely an EA on his part but perhaps not on yours. I believe women can have close friendships with members of the opposite sex and never develop any feelings for the person outside of friendship. However it's inappropriate to have a close deep friendship with a married man who is calling you his soulmate and who is most likely hiding the friendship, or at the very least the depth of the friendship from his wife. If his wife knew he was calling another woman his soulmate she would definitely consider that emotional cheating.

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Yeah, been pondering the above question for quite sometime now. Can you guys help me with what exactly would be called an EA?<snip>

There are no "i love you" or "i miss you", no professions of love or affection, none of that. However, he keeps telling me i'm his soulmate, bla bla bla, and that he talks to no one more than me, i'm the only one he shares all his deepest secrets.....

 

To me, he's just a friend. I don't fantasize him or even miss him. I just enjoy talking to him. That's it.

 

Would this be qualified as an emotional affair? I wouldn't want that but I'm just asking to make sure it is not.

 

 

Easiest way to find out is for any relevant partners, yours or his, to be included. If the partners find your behavior inappropriate, and you continue, then it's an affair in those relationships. If the partners are fine with it, no affair. Easy peasy.

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Easiest way to find out is for any relevant partners, yours or his, to be included. If the partners find your behavior inappropriate, and you continue, then it's an affair in those relationships. If the partners are fine with it, no affair. Easy peasy.

 

While I agree more than 100% but there are some who behave inappropriately in front of the spouse but deny it being inappropriate and saying it's normal. It's a doubt edged sword !

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salparadise
Huh? Why are you offended by what that poster said? I've met men who think and act exactly like she described. They don't consider their spouse as a friend who they would open up to and have intimate conversations with but at the same time they don't consider it cheating to become emotionally intimate and attached to another woman as long as there is no sex. Why do you feel insulted by the poster who said this?

 

I'm annoyed at the transmutation of the word "friend" to rationalize all sorts of crazy notions.

 

She said, "some people with kind of messed-up views about sexuality who keep friendship and romance entirely separate, [...] and would find it inappropriate to get kissy with a friend."

 

Apparently she doesn't believe in boundaries with friends. If she's playing kissy face with friends, she's recruiting orbiters.

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While I agree more than 100% but there are some who behave inappropriately in front of the spouse but deny it being inappropriate and saying it's normal. It's a doubt edged sword !

In the final analysis it's the spouse or partner who decides what's appropriate or inappropriate or a boundary breach in their marriage or relationship. They choose. If the person in question lies to them of fakes appropriate behavior, then that's deception and a separate issue in the relationship. People can deceive their partners in many ways, infidelity being one.

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I'm annoyed at the transmutation of the word "friend" to rationalize all sorts of crazy notions.

 

She said, "some people with kind of messed-up views about sexuality who keep friendship and romance entirely separate, [...] and would find it inappropriate to get kissy with a friend."

 

Apparently she doesn't believe in boundaries with friends. If she's playing kissy face with friends, she's recruiting orbiters.

 

 

Yes, I've seen this with hetero MW's but most markedly with MW's who are bi-sexual but married to a man. In general, it's more socially acceptable for women to be more intimate, physically and emotionally, with other women so some of these MW's play that card to the limit, innocently of course. Then, when the husband asserts some boundaries, watch the beat-down :D

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I'm annoyed at the transmutation of the word "friend" to rationalize all sorts of crazy notions.

 

She said, "some people with kind of messed-up views about sexuality who keep friendship and romance entirely separate, [...] and would find it inappropriate to get kissy with a friend."

 

Apparently she doesn't believe in boundaries with friends. If she's playing kissy face with friends, she's recruiting orbiters.

 

 

Ohhh...now I see what you are saying. I don't know how that poster meant it. I initially thought she meant it was messed up for someone to view their spouse only as a sexual partner and not also a close intimate friend because they don't think their spouse can be both a wife and friend, which I've known guys like that and it is messed up. On the other hand of course it's inappropriate to play kissy face with friends and saying that people who keep friendship and romance completely seperate have messed up views about sexuality certainly sounds offensive if you think the poster meant that friends should also be sexual with each other. However I don't think she meant that. I think she was saying that's it's messed up for a person to see their romantic partner as only a romantic partner and not also a close friend, or their spouse as only a spouse and not a best friend.

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Ohhh...now I see what you are saying. I don't know how that poster meant it. I initially thought she meant it was messed up for someone to view their spouse only as a sexual partner and not also a close intimate friend because they don't think their spouse can be both a wife and friend, which I've known guys like that and it is messed up. On the other hand of course it's inappropriate to play kissy face with friends and saying that people who keep friendship and romance completely seperate have messed up views about sexuality certainly sounds offensive if you think the poster meant that friends should also be sexual with each other. However I don't think she meant that. I think she was saying that's it's messed up for a person to see their romantic partner as only a romantic partner and not also a close friend, or their spouse as only a spouse and not a best friend.

 

That's how I understood it too..

There are people who seperate the friendship and romance in a relationship.

 

A partner/spouse is for stability. And sex.

 

But you get the emotional needs met outside of the relationship. That's why they can justify the "friendship" because the physical sex, and kissing is still done with the spouse.

 

At least that's how I understood it.

 

Which it "works" if both people in the relationship are aware...but not if one person believes their partner/spouse is best friend and lover while the other one has two or more meeting these needs.

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In the final analysis it's the spouse or partner who decides what's appropriate or inappropriate or a boundary breach in their marriage or relationship. They choose. If the person in question lies to them of fakes appropriate behavior, then that's deception and a separate issue in the relationship. People can deceive their partners in many ways, infidelity being one.

 

And that's exactly where infidelity begins and with it, THE denial.

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Infidelity and cheating/denial are separate issues. One can be unfaithful and not cheat nor deny, as one example. If their behaviors are open and transparent, then it's up to their partner to decide, not us, what is appropriate and inappropriate in their relationship. In the OP's example, it would be the spouse of the man she's friends with. Regardless of their activities, words, actions, anything, if the spouse believed and expressed their association was inappropriate for the marriage, then it's inappropriate. If the man disagreed, then the spouses would resolve it among themselves, or divorce. If he agreed, then he'd make choices to support that agreement, like ceasing or changing certain behaviors or contacts.

 

Lastly, going back to the title, some people, again relationship partner-specific, classify emotional affairs right along with physical affairs as injurious to their relationship. Others do not. Some people do not consider non-sexual, meaning no genital contact, even if physical, attachments or associations to be affairs or infidelity at all. Some do.

 

In the OP's example, the association could be completely innocent. The man could also have a bevy of associations like with the OP in different stages of affair grooming. We can't read his mind nor predict his future. For some men the 'we're soulmates' and 'you know all my secrets' is just flirting, aka they're married, not dead. I've heard similar from women over the decades. Then they, like the man here, disappear. It's just words. Words are tools. People use them to manipulate, among other purposes. That doesn't mean they care or the object matters to them. With billions of us around, it's highly likely the object, here the OP, doesn't matter to the man. However, I can't read his mind so don't know for sure.

 

Since this is apparently on the OP's mind sufficiently to discuss it, IMO that bears scrutiny regarding her own thought processes and boundaries. If talking it through helps her, cool.

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OP, you need to back off. Far , far away unless you want to be a home wrecker. Karma is a biotchh. Go complete NC. There are plenty of single men to make friends with.

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Since this association has apparently been going on for three years, off and on, and I presume, as is typical for women, other men are propositioning the OP for dating and mating, OP what has been your dating experience during this time? If this association has been distracting you from doing, as mikeylo suggests, associating with single men in a serious way, IMO that bears scrutiny as to your thought processes and any attachments you personally might have, irrespective of whether or not this man is having an EA.

 

Oh, also, welcome to LS :)

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salparadise
Ohhh...now I see what you are saying. I don't know how that poster meant it. I initially thought she meant it was messed up for someone to view their spouse only as a sexual partner and not also a close intimate friend because they don't think their spouse can be both a wife and friend, which I've known guys like that and it is messed up. On the other hand of course it's inappropriate to play kissy face with friends and saying that people who keep friendship and romance completely seperate have messed up views about sexuality certainly sounds offensive if you think the poster meant that friends should also be sexual with each other. However I don't think she meant that. I think she was saying that's it's messed up for a person to see their romantic partner as only a romantic partner and not also a close friend, or their spouse as only a spouse and not a best friend.

 

I guess there's plenty of room for misinterpretation. I was going by what she actually wrote, which sounds as though there's little distinction between friendship and romantic relationships... one can be friends with their spouse, or titillate and play kissy-kissy with friends and it's all just shades of the same thing (going by her words).

 

The first part (friends with your spouse) is more understandable, of course, but I still think it's oversimplification and probably transmutation as well. In this context, friendship usually exists within and is contingent upon the romance. When the romance dies, then you see how substantive and durable any independent friendship was. I think friendship within a romantic relationship is more an attribute of the romance than a separate entity (yea, yea, I know there are always exceptions, so save the keystrokes).

 

I think there are few words in the English language that are more ambiguous than the word friends. Dontcha just love it when people post to decry their gf/bf for being jealous of opposite sex friends, only to find out a bit later that they've been mixing microbes off and on for the past several years... but now we're "just friends," and thet just can't understand why their current squeeze won't accept that very simple explanation!

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somanymistakes
I guess there's plenty of room for misinterpretation. I was going by what she actually wrote, which sounds as though there's little distinction between friendship and romantic relationships... one can be friends with their spouse, or titillate and play kissy-kissy with friends and it's all just shades of the same thing (going by her words).

 

Sorry if I was unclear, I was posting in a hurry at the time.

 

What I was saying was that someone seeking intense emotional closeness with a woman other than his wife was not necessarily seeking sexual closeness, because some people keep these things very separate - a spouse is for sex, a friend is for sharing thoughts and feelings, and never the two shall meet.

 

And I personally find that a bit messed-up because I think if you're married to someone, you ought to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with them. I don't like the idea of keeping these things totally separate because to me it feels somewhat contemptuous - like, you're good enough to sleep with but not good enough to talk to.

 

I definitely don't think that all friendships should be sexual! That's a whole different kind of weird.

 

And I also don't think that all people seeking friends other than their spouse are trying to engage in affairs, but in this particular case where the guy is pulling out the term 'soulmate', we were talking about more than an ordinary level of friendly emotional closeness.

 

Does that make more sense? Honestly I'm not sure if I'm coming through any more clearly than I did the first time since it all hinges so much on the context of what I was responding to, I don't want to make it sound like most people pursuing friendships are really pursuing romances because I don't believe that at all.

Edited by somanymistakes
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It looks like everyone would put this friendship of mine into the EA category. I'm not surprised. My purpose was just to have an objective opinion from other people. And it is exactly what I have predicted. People would consider it emotional cheating.

 

Anyway, the good part is, if it's an EA, it's just on the guy's side. For me, I have no romantic feelings towards him. It's a close friendship and that's it. So, no need for NC or keeping away from him.... I don't see him that way at all.

 

And the fact that it's been like this for three years and would not move any further than what it already is, I don't think he wants more from me. I believe he genuinely just enjoys talking to me. I'm just curious how outsiders would see the nature of this "friendship".

 

THank you everyone for your inputs. It really helps.

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salparadise
I definitely don't think that all friendships should be sexual! That's a whole different kind of weird.

 

Some but not all? The word friends is most often employed to distinguish between sexual and non-sexual social affiliations. For some the edges seem to be blurred. For me, if they're schtupping, or negotiating a schtup, friends is not the most descriptive word available.

 

And I also don't think that all people seeking friends other than their spouse are trying to engage in affairs, but in this particular case..

 

...I don't want to make it sound like most people pursuing friendships are really pursuing romances because I don't believe that at all.

 

Oh I do. It's either a Nigerian scammer or the darwinian mating dance disguised as the hokey-pokey.

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somanymistakes
Some but not all? The word friends is most often employed to distinguish between sexual and non-sexual social affiliations. For some the edges seem to be blurred. For me, if they're schtupping, or negotiating a schtup, friends is not the most descriptive word available.

 

A lot of people are friends first and then later decide to date, and I tend to think that a relationship has a stronger foundation that way. If you get together based on pure lust/attraction then when the shine wears off and you find you don't really have anything in common, things fall apart. IMO.

 

So some friendships might someday become romantic/sexual.

 

-

 

Not even going to touch on friends-with-benefits and friendship groups where everyone playfully flirts with everyone because while these things exist they weren't what I was talking about and I'm not really qualified to discuss them, I've never done the FWB thing and don't know how it works.

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