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Is this acceptable?


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Hi all,

 

Looking for a straw poll of opinions as my girlfriend and I see this issue very differently. My girlfriend is usually described as "bossy", not just by me but by everyone she knows. Basically, she's good at telling people what to do. I try to politely highlight when she is being too overbearing. One such occasion happened recently when she was exercising with someone else outside when I was in the kitchen and she said "could you come here please". She wanted to ask me something (actually, check on the status of something she had asked me to do for her friend who was there).

 

After the other person had gone, I politely and calmly said that I would appreciate it if she would not do that, as it felt to me like being summoned. I said that you only do that to employees, dogs or kids, that it felt demeaning, and I would rather she didn't do it unless the situation warranted it - as in urgent help was required, rather than something just coming to her mind to ask me when she was busy. If she wanted to ask me something, she could either come to see me, or if she was busy, to wait until she stopped doing what she was doing to do so unless it was urgent.

 

She got angry and defensive and said that I must need psychological help if I think that "could you come here please" was in any way rude, something which I thought she said in the heat of the moment but which apparently she still maintains.

 

I encourage her to seek the views of others on things, as often it's her opinion against mine. Her friend (not the same as who was there) backed her and said I was being ridiculous, and that I should stop trying to change her.

 

I'm quite confused now about the issue. Am I being oversensitive with my request? My deeper worry is not so much that she is bossing me around, but that she is dismissive of my feelings, and that we appear to see the world in very different ways.

 

Am I trying to change/control her with my request? Should I just lighten up? Or is my objection warranted? I'm after honest opinions, not just people to back me - however, my girlfriend said that after hearing her friend's opinion, which I generally encourage her to seek, that I should see the situation differently, but I think it's important to get a wide sampling of opinions before I accept it.

 

Any and all comments gratefully received!

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Scarlett.O'hara

Based on this one incident, it does sound like a bit of an overreaction on your part.

 

However, since you also describe her as being bossy in general, it may feel like the tip of the iceberg for you, with numerous other incidents which have built up and caused some resentment.

 

Whether you are right or wrong, there does appear to be an issue of compatibility and understanding in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

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I agree with Scarlett. I can't see any problem at all with what she said. But perhaps issues have been mounting up and you've over reacted?

 

Also, you will find in life that people generally won't pay a lot of attention to your feelings if they feel you're being unreasonable. And based on this example alone, I'd say that you were being unreasonable.

Edited by basil67
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todreaminblue

I feel you handled it well, by talking to her in private,obviously it wasnt her intention to demean you......

 

she probably doesnt even realize she is bossy.....i must be bossy too i often call people to me ...

 

 

the thing is they always come to me and they never say hey dont be bossy..i can call my mum on the phone who lives a suburb over and say mum i need you now can you come please...adn she will say debs ill be there in a couple of hours....if she is busy ......sometimes they will just say nah you come here....or in a minute deb.....and i wait if they ask me too wait or i go to them if its important...and they know i woudl do the same fro them..its an equality thing........

 

.i feel you just need to be more open with what you dont appreciate and do it gently which i feel you did in this instance......dont let resentment build ...ever......deal with isues as they crop up and maybe you wont feel so put upon...i wish you well...ps if she feels you overreacted ...i honestly feel she did as well by her reply and defensiveness to you......cheers.....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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I am generally described as bossy too. I ask "people to please come here" all the time. "Come here now" is bossy. "Please come here" invites the person to say they can't. To me that is the difference.

 

If you felt summoned, you have every right to speak up, as you did, and say you didn't like it.

 

Doesn't make either of you wrong. Just means on this point you will have to find compromise if you want to stay together

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I wouldn't like someone summoning me. They can come to me unless there's a good reason they can't. So if she's commanding you around all the time, I wouldn't stay with her. But if it was just an isolated event, then whatever.

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I don't know... in this case

 

"Could you" definitely makes it a request.

 

"come here" is neutral, describes what she wants you to do

 

"please" makes it polite.

 

I think you're reacting to other things.

 

Try this next time she says that:

Not now, sweetheart.
then disappear. That's when you'll figure out if it is just her style, or whether you're being bossed around.
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It really depends on the context and how these words were uttered. "Could you come here please?" can sounds anything from flirty to bossy, depending on the intonation. If she actually asks you to come over all the time, even if she could just walk over herself, then you are likely being summoned.

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bluefeather

I think there is a lot more to it than this. And that was revealed here:

 

She got angry and defensive and said that I must need psychological help if I think that "could you come here please" was in any way rude...

 

If you see it as rude, it is something that can be discussed. It is not healthy to jump to a conclusion like, "If you think differently than me, you are insane."

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I think it probably depended on her tone of voice and whether it felt like a 'fun' kind of summoning or a bossy instruction. It obviously felt like the latter to you. It could be you are being oversensitive but basically this has irked you. If her behaviour continues to generate this reaction, then I can't see you two staying together. Do you think you would feel this way with any other woman?

Edited by spiderowl
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