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Made a horrible bed to lay in. How to earn trust back?


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Hey everyone,

 

Long story short. I'm 29 and dated a girl who was 19 for 7 months. Disregard the age gap and hear out the situation PLEASE. We had such a good relationship but had little faults due to the age difference. But we had very good communication and was open to each other. So we were able to maintain a relationship and be comfortable.

 

I began being shady and started texting other girls and she has caught me numerous times flirting and hitting on girls from facebook and text. She gave me 4 chances to come back to her and move on and to no do it ever again. Idk what is wrong with me but I continued and now she left me for good this time.

 

She was extremely sad and cried and said she doesn't want to leave me or break up but she NEEDS to because she doesnt want to get hurt anymore. I begged and begged and told her I will PROVE TO HER for once that I will change. She has her friends backing her up on her decision to break up with me and is positive that I wont change my ways because i'm already 29 going on 30 and still doing this stuff.

 

I love her. I want her back. What should I do??? We just broke up this morning. she packed all her belongings and left.

 

I feel so bad and I want to make it up to her. She says shes young and needs to live her OWN LIFE.

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If SHE were the one writing, we (or at least myself) would be advising her to keep on walking away and don't look back. Especially after *4 chances*. I mean, didn't you feel anywhere near this bad enough to change during any of the *previous 3 times* you were caught? Hell if she were even to give you another chance, I see you doing the same thing again, just as you did the previous 3 times.

 

Anyway, the answer as far as how you regain trust is: you don't. It's over, if this girl has any sense that is. Sometimes situations are just ruined beyond repair, such as this one here.

Edited by Imajerk17
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What on earth makes you think you can change just like that after doing this to her four times? You just ruined the innocence of a young lady who up until now probably thought guys were just great and that you were meant to be and all that fairytale crap. This is one of the hardest things women go through, learning that just because we love someone doesn't mean they are worthy or that they always love us back or that they even know what love is, as in your case. The dream is dead for her now. She can never trust you again and may never trust men in general again. For her, it can NEVER be the same. She will never feel the same about you. The damage is done. She will never again be able to think you are her destiny.

 

Do one decent thing for this girl and let her go find someone who won't continue to bespoil her.

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A 29 year old with a 19 year old? Are you there for the stimulating conversation or what? :lmao:

 

Find a woman 5 - 9 years older. Upgrade to something a little more fitting your station in life.

 

That's what you do. That's how you make it up to her.

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RecentChange

Dude. If limerence of a new relationship, and "love" you had for her won't keep your attention from chasing fresh tail, nothing will.

 

She should leave. You had too many chances already

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You apparently didnt feel bad enough to stop your stupid behavior.

 

That girl will find much better.

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whichwayisup
Hey everyone,

 

Long story short. I'm 29 and dated a girl who was 19 for 7 months. Disregard the age gap and hear out the situation PLEASE. We had such a good relationship but had little faults due to the age difference. But we had very good communication and was open to each other. So we were able to maintain a relationship and be comfortable.

 

I began being shady and started texting other girls and she has caught me numerous times flirting and hitting on girls from facebook and text. She gave me 4 chances to come back to her and move on and to no do it ever again. Idk what is wrong with me but I continued and now she left me for good this time.

 

She was extremely sad and cried and said she doesn't want to leave me or break up but she NEEDS to because she doesnt want to get hurt anymore. I begged and begged and told her I will PROVE TO HER for once that I will change. She has her friends backing her up on her decision to break up with me and is positive that I wont change my ways because i'm already 29 going on 30 and still doing this stuff.

 

I love her. I want her back. What should I do??? We just broke up this morning. she packed all her belongings and left.

 

I feel so bad and I want to make it up to her. She says shes young and needs to live her OWN LIFE.

 

Her age has nothing to do with this! It's you! By not being committed to just her. For whatever reason you need more attention by other women, online etc, or texting. It's just wrong and NO WOMAN of any age should put up with that. Either you're into her and focus all your attention on her or you be single and flirt and do as you please.

 

Saying I won't do it again means nothing. It's actions that back up the statement is what counts. Seems you're clinging to her and just because you love her, you want her back. Respect her decision and leave her alone. You hurt her deeply and the trust is gone. This is your loss, not hers. I hope you learn from this, grow and in your next relationship treat the woman you're dating and serious about with love, care and respect. Don't cheat on her or go flirting with other women.

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I regret every decision I have ever made and now I wake up at 5am sweating and feeling like the detox and her not being here is hitting really hard. I genuinely want to tell her how much she meant to me and how I realize everything she warned me I would feel if she left me has come true. its like a nightmare I brought upon myself. I miss her and I can't stomach the thought of her with another guy. I honestly do not know why I even fell into temptation to talk to other women. it was so stupid to do that for such a big loss to me.

 

If i had any hopes of reconciliation what must I do. I know space is needed. but for now my heart just feels so much for her and how I truly want to say sorry to her and how she is right for doing what she did. Not in hopes to make her feel bad for me but for me to be real with her for once in a long time.

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YOU thought you were superman. You were so sure that you had the love of this girl, that you thought you could just mess around with other women and she would always forgive you because she loved you sooo much.

 

It is a common problem.

Young men come here saying that they have treated a woman abysmally but once the woman walks having had enough, they say they will change, they love her so much, they cannot live without her etc. etc. BUT it is all too late, people do not just forget that sort of abuse.

Love is not forever and treating people badly means they eventually dump you no matter how much they may have cared for you. And no, you cannot just snap your fingers and get them back, the trust is gone, they usually end up hating you.

 

Leave her well alone.

 

Sort out your own issues before you get involved with anyone else. If it was such a good thing, then why did you knowingly ruin it?

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salparadise
She gave me 4 chances to come back to her and move on and to no do it ever again. Idk what is wrong with me but I continued and now she left me for good this time.

 

She was extremely sad and cried and said she doesn't want to leave me or break up but she NEEDS to because she doesnt want to get hurt anymore.

 

You've summarized it very well in these few sentences. She did what she had to do –– after four chances she realized this isn't some one-off behavioral anomaly, it's fundamentally who you are and it's not going to change. She has enough respect for herself to believe she's worthy of real love and respect, and not this continual pain, humiliation and disappointment. She did the right thing.

 

"Idk what is wrong with me..." Would you like a hint, or would you prefer that we just lay it right out there? Let's start with the hint.

 

No conscience or remorse. Inability to be other-focused, empathetic, and caring in intimate relationships. You need adoration, and you appreciate it, but you don't reciprocate by actually caring. Your attachment is all about how it makes YOU feel, but not caring deeply about the other's feelings and wellbeing.

 

You've got work to do. Do you have a therapist?

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TunaInTheBrine

My advice would be that if you really want her back then...

 

1. You need to sincerely let her go. Cease all contact (no facebook, texting, sending up 'smoke signals', etc...).

 

2. Do some work on yourself and figure out if you can really be loyal to a woman. It sounds like you want to, but can you?

 

3. See if she reaches out to you after a month or two. Wait. When she does, tell her you were a jerk and you'd like to make it up to her. Have her over at that point and take it from there. Alternatively, you could reach out to her but preferably she reaches out to you.

 

4. Don't screw up again.

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I genuinely want to tell her how much she meant to me

It doesnt sound like she meant much to you? what were you hoping to achieve by hitting on and texting other girls? If you had found someone, you would have left her first.

 

If i had any hopes of reconciliation what must I do. I know space is needed. but for now my heart just feels so much for her and how I truly want to say sorry to her and how she is right for doing what she did. Not in hopes to make her feel bad for me but for me to be real with her for once in a long time.

 

Time, space and distance is what is needed now. Maybe your paths will cross some day in the future and you two will see and re-kindle the love between you. But for now, there is nothing you can say or do.

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Your girlfriend did the right thing. She knew she had higher value than to be with someone who didn't respect her. If more women honored themselves as she did and left the men that cheat on them, maybe men would learn to not cheat.

You hurt her more than you can ever imagine. You have damaged her for future relationships as she will never trust anyone as easily as she had trusted you in the start of her relationship with you.

Use it as a life lesson and in the next relationship, don't be shady.

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If you are that desperate, ask her what she would want you to do. But I can promise that whatever she asks of you , you won't be able to.

 

It could be too little too late.

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I began being shady and started texting other girls and she has caught me numerous times flirting and hitting on girls from facebook and text.

 

 

I wonder why players don't attract players. Life would be so much easier.

 

That very young nineteen year old girl in reality is a strong young woman who knows what's good for her and what's not.

 

Leave her alone.

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A 29 year old with a 19 year old? Are you there for the stimulating conversation or what? :lmao:

 

Find a woman 5 - 9 years older. Upgrade to something a little more fitting your station in life.

 

That's what you do. That's how you make it up to her.

 

Well apparently the 19yr old in this situation is more mature than the 29yr old. What you makes you think an older woman is going to want to put up with this crap. The OP is too immature to have a meaningful relationship with a woman of any age.

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I think the panic you are now feeling is that one sentence in your last post about not being able to stand the thought of her with another guy. Well, HELLO, you did that to her four times or more, over and over. Women don't retire from seeing other guys just because you treated them like crap and discarded them. You don't get to keep her intact somewhere like a trophy. She's going to date other guys and she's going to look back on you and think, What did I ever see in him?

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During the breakup when she was packing up her stuff from my apartment she whimpered and shook her head and said "Idk why but you have such a hold on me." "I hate going through this but I always end up coming back."

 

and while her friend was on her way to my apartment to pick her up she had said "Amy is on her way to pick me up....it's too late" as if that was a queue for me to be like "No it's not too late. tell her to turn around and stay here with me." Which I did slightly say but she still refused and said no, i'm leaving.

 

She was truly hurt and held me and cried and said she hates how we got here but she needs to FORGET the bad memories we had. she needs time to herself as a young woman to grow and be happy with herself and enjoy her friends and family more cause all she was thinking about was ME.

 

When I finally mustered up enough courage to just walk out and go to work that morning while she waited at my place for her friend. As I walked to my car I looked back and she looked through the blinds of my window then when she realized I was serious this time and got in my car to leave. She opened the apartment door and stood there and watched me leave.

 

Idk if im prying and looking for any specs of hope that I saw during the fall out. But does that sound like a girl that TRULY wants to leave me?

 

She also told me that its not like this is the last time we will see each other. she calls me her bestfriend and pointed out all the positives I did for her. She said she wanted the summer to herself and that who knows what will happen in the future. She also added how if i'm in the area to text her to see if she would want a bite to eat or something she would be open to that and she would always be there for me.

 

So i'm just so torn on what to believe. Why would she offer these things?

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Miss Peach

OP - I agree with the others that you didn't treat her well and she wants better. After 4 times I wouldn't be able to trust you either.

 

Having said that, even though I might really love and care for someone, it doesn't mean it's not easy to let someone go who isn't good for you. I'm sure she is hurt from what you did plus the loss of the relationship. I suspect that's where all that talk was going.

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I am sorry but it is par for the course.

YOU gave her the chance to change her mind and she refused point blank, so all the rest is just the usual break up stuff, played out every day.

 

"I don't really want to go, but I need to." - nothing you can say now will make me stay, I'm off. I may be very hurt and upset, I am leaving my home and all my dreams, hopes and memories BUT I am done, I am out of here.

 

"We may meet again, another time another place..." - Probably not.

 

"We can be friends..." - Yes I can tell you all about how great my life is without you in it and we can even discuss my new dates. You can be my new BFF.

"I need to sort my head out/I need space/I need to find myself..." - I need to find myself a better man.

 

It is always sad to leave someone, but most will find that the bad times will keep her walking and staying away.

 

This girl is young, she needs to be happy, free and single.

YOU brought little more than misery to her life, if you were to be honest with yourself.

YOU need to leave her alone and work out why you felt you needed to sabotage this relationship again and again.

Maybe you knew she wasn't right for you, hence why you kept al those other options open and you only want her back as your ego is bruised now or you just do not want to see her with another man.

Neither is a good enough reason to most likely break her heart again...

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Additionally - The past 2 days since the break up I have been going through major withdrawals from her. I woke up at 5-6am each morning which is unusual and sweating. First thought was her. I took out my phone and wrote out all my emotions and thoughts and every nook and cranny of our relationship and how I could have done better and how I truly love her and the deep down pit reason of my personality of WHY I chose to talk to other women.

How I should have cherished more moments with her and how i was blind.

 

I plan on sending this massive message to her this weekend so she has a couple days or more to digest what just happened before indulging in this message. Then plan on going NC after. Cliche of me to say the saying "you dont know what you have until its gone" is so true with her. She treated me like a king and I took it for granted. I know this is a lesson learned but I am determined to get her back in the right way because I know how rare it is to come across something with her values.

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There just has to be a way to get her back. With any remaining love or hope she may have. There has to be a small percent of success in this scenario.

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She will never again be the girl who loved you with her whole heart. That's destroyed forever. You will not like having to be distrusted and having her not giving herself freely.

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