laylas Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 Quick overview: For years now my boyfriend has had a long-distance friendship with a girl who he used to want to date. She always rejected him, though they dated other people, they remained friends for 10+ years. Once my boyfriend and I started dating, she knew of the relationship and I even spoke with her/met her when I was visiting friends in her area. Over the years of dating my boyfriend I always grew suspicious of their friendship, there was a gut feeling I couldn't shake and a lot of history between the two of them. I often spoke to him about her and he would become very explosive and annoyed that I would insist that he still had feelings for her and was attracted to her- insisting that he wasn't some 'loser still stuck on her.' His emotional responses definitely bolstered the notion that I was right but, I trusted him. A year later, she terminates the friendship between them because she feels like she's 'getting in the way' and ultimately not getting as much attention from him as she used to. Since then, I caught him, on multiple days, looking up porn searches and in between porn searches, googling her name and attempting to find pictures of her. When I confronted him he admitted that he was attempting to find a certain photoshoot she had done but, insisted that just because he searched that, it was private and 'he can't help where his mind goes when he jerks off.' He insisted that he would have sex with a lot of things in his imagination that he wouldn't in real life. I really need to know what I should do here. The main problem is that I feel totally betrayed and lied to for years. He would always become so livid that I would even assume he still liked her. He would ignore me, tell me I was being insecure, jealous and get mad that I 'didn't trust him.' When I confronted him about the evidence, instead of apologizing for what I saw and trying to be honest, he held onto the notion that he had his 'right to privacy' and pretty much insinuating that it was my fault I got hurt anyway. I feel like I deserve an explanation. Should I just chalk this off as a physical thing? Am I overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 Eh no. You're not overreacting. On one hand I think you may have been overreacting a bit at the fact that they're really good friends because like you said she ended the friendship with him out of respect for him and you it seems. For him to make an excuse of the, "Oh I can't help myself I wanted to jerk off to her pictures." ....that's way disrespectful on his part. On one hand he does have a point. Even if we are in relationships peoples minds do simetimes wander off to other people and other 'possibilities" but the way he responded was just uncalled for. Like you said he was pretty much just making excuses for his behavior and didn't even apologize or even seem to show the least bit of empathy to you. Just overall insensitive. If I was you I would be incredibly hurt by that because it's almost as if he doesn't care about your feelings. Sorry but perhaps it's time to throw the peace sign up.... :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author laylas Posted May 21, 2017 Author Share Posted May 21, 2017 Even if we are in relationships peoples minds do simetimes wander off to other people and other 'possibilities" but the way he responded was just uncalled for. Exactly. I think it's healthy to still find other people attractive but for him to act like this is just another random person and I should just drop it is unfair, it was a person that I suspected all along. Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 Exactly. I think it's healthy to still find other people attractive but for him to act like this is just another random person and I should just drop it is unfair, it was a person that I suspected all along. Well why did you have suspicions about the other girl? Was it just because they've been close friends for a while? That doesn't necessarily mean there's anything brewing. I have a girl who has been one of my best friends for years and I have absolutely no interest in her romantically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laylas Posted May 21, 2017 Author Share Posted May 21, 2017 Well why did you have suspicions about the other girl? Was it just because they've been close friends for a while? That doesn't necessarily mean there's anything brewing. There were no boundaries in the beginning and he often took her side over mine. He had been into her for a while years ago and she was definitely his type physically and mentally. I can't describe everything too well, it was just a gut feeling that I picked up on. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 Well why did you have suspicions about the other girl? Was it just because they've been close friends for a while? That doesn't necessarily mean there's anything brewing. I have a girl who has been one of my best friends for years and I have absolutely no interest in her romantically.Likely women's intuition premised on body language and facial expressions. Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 There were no boundaries in the beginning and he often took her side over mine. He had been into her for a while years ago and she was definitely his type physically and mentally. I can't describe everything too well, it was just a gut feeling that I picked up on. :/ Did you describe it in that way when talking to your bf? If so then I can see why you'd be suspicious if he was getting all mad and crap. If there was really nothing going on and you talked to him in the sense that there weren't any boundaries he would be willing to listen and acknowledge your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laylas Posted May 21, 2017 Author Share Posted May 21, 2017 Did you describe it in that way when talking to your bf? If so then I can see why you'd be suspicious if he was getting all mad and crap. If there was really nothing going on and you talked to him in the sense that there weren't any boundaries he would be willing to listen and acknowledge your feelings. Yeah, I had explained my perspective thousands of times, thousands of different ways. He wouldn't always understand but he made some changes with respect to boundaries here and there back when they were friends, I always had a lingering feeling though. Link to post Share on other sites
ZayKayWill Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 Yeah, I had explained my perspective thousands of times, thousands of different ways. He wouldn't always understand but he made some changes with respect to boundaries here and there back when they were friends, I always had a lingering feeling though. Well, what could he have done differently to not make you have a lingering feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 You shouldn't have to be questioning if you are the love of his life. If he really loved you in the way you want to be loved, you'd have no doubts. You are second best for him. Follow your intuition on this. Find someone who will feel the same as you do about them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 Your bf is definitely obsessed with this girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 He's gaslighting you. He's the one crossing the line but he's found a way to try to make you believe it's your own fault. Make some rules and boundaries to live by in your head and dump people who can't fit within those boundaries. Leave him to it. Link to post Share on other sites
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