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Opposite Sex Friends/Friends With Exes FAQs: Is It Possible? Can/Should I Do It?


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Old 11th May 2017, 12:00 AM   #1
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Opposite Sex Friends/Friends With Exes FAQs: Is It Possible? Can/Should I Do It?

Hey all. I decided to make this guide to help people who are struggling with this question. When it comes to relationships, a lot of the time people will find that people remaining friends with their ex or simply just their opposite sex friends causes a lot of problems to the person you are currently with in the relationship. So...here it goes!



Q: Is it okay to be friends with opposite sex friends while I'm in a monogamous relationship with someone else?

A: A lot of people will say no. I don't want to say that the majority will say no, but there definitely is no doubt that there are a lot of people who do indeed have a problem with it. That doesn't mean it's not okay, though! Everybody is different in this regard. Some people will say yes, some people will say no.


Q: How about my ex?

A: It depends. How long ago did you guys break up? Are you both clearly over each other? Has your partner met this person and seen how you both interact with each other in order to ease any insecurities that may arise within your partner? Pretty sure the majority of people will say no that it's not a good idea simply because it makes your partner uncomfortable. But again, there are people that do believe that it is possible. Again just depends on the individual.


Q: I'm still friends with my ex. What should I do when I get into a relationship with somebody else?

A: Communication is everything. You can't have trust without proper communication. If you get into a new relationship with someone else but still consider your ex a person of value in terms of friendship/different viewpoints in life, then you need to make that loud and clear to your partner. And if you can communicate that before you guys even get into a serious relationship with each other, that's even better!


Q: I told them and they're not okay with it. What should I do now?

A: Ask them what makes them not okay with it. Listen to whatever causes and concerns they have about it and go from there. Again, communication is everything.


Q: They're still not okay with it.

A: Then perhaps it's best that you guys don't continue a relationship with each other. Find somebody more compatible in this manner. You'd be surprised at how many like minded people you'll unexpectedly find in this world.


Q: But I really like this person and don't want to lose them!

A: Then perhaps some compromise and discussion of boundaries may be necessary.


Q: What kind of boundaries should be made?

A: That is completely between you and your partner. Everyone's boundaries will be different no matter what. Will provide some more specific examples on that later.


Q: Can I hang out with them one on one?

A: If you do this, it's always a good idea to invite your significant other along with you so they can at least be reassured that you're not trying to go behind their back. Think about it. If you decide to hang out with someone and 'intentionally' do it without your partner, your partner is gonna start raising questions such as, "Why does my partner want to hang out with this person and not bring me along...?". With time, they may or may not be comfortable with you hanging out with them 1 on 1 once they see how the interaction between you 2 truly is. Also always best to hang out with them in a group setting if you can so your partner doesn't worry about what you guys may be doing when you both are alone.


Q: Well why would my partner even WANT to hang out with them 1 on 1?

A: Let's be realistic. Everyone has different hobbies. Say Bob likes to go hiking, but Susan doesn't like to go hiking. In this scenario, Bob can either go alone or decide to bring a friend/group of friends. No 2 partners have ALL THE EXACT SAME HOBBIES AS THEM NO MATTER WHAT. Ok, perhaps there are couples that are like this, but for the most part, no 2 people are literally EXACTLY alike. Again, the best thing to do in this scenario is to invite your significant other along with you so they at least don't wonder if there will be anything shady going down. Even if you think they'll decline your offer, ASK ANYWAY! Give your partner the respect that they deserve. For all you know perhaps it's inevitable that your partner end up hanging out with the opposite sex friend because they're both part of a common hiking group that gets together once a week/month or so (Meetup.com anyone?).


Q: How much time can I spend with them?

A: Again this is strictly between you and your partner. Some people are cool with however much time their partner wants to spend with them, some people are cool with their partner only spending a very little amount of time with them, and some people aren't cool at all with them spending time with them.


Q: If I let my partner spend a large amount of time with them, won't they inevitably start to fall for that person?

A: Not always. It could or it could not happen. Two people hanging out with each other a lot 1 on 1 doesn't always mean that they'll start falling for each other. If that were true, then people wouldn't be getting divorced. They spent a lot of time together and eventually one (or both) realized that they weren't right for each other, so they go their separate ways and accept whatever fate that came to be.

I have a friend who completely blew my mind with this logic: There are 2 kinds of mindsets. A Starvation Mindset and an Abundance Mindset. A starvation mindset is the idea that opportunities for love and/or sex are rare and hard to find. Such folks tend to live in a world where they believe nobody wants them or where they will seldom have a chance at a relationship, which can lead to a desperation that creates a tendency to fall for anyone who pays attention to them. An Abundance Mindset is the belief that opportunities for sex, love and companionship are all around, that there are more chances for connection and intimacy than you could ever hope to take advantage of, and that you can afford to be choosy. People with an abundance mindset don't feel desperate, so they aren't prone to falling for everyone who pays attention to them.

If 2 people aren't compatible relationship wise, then it doesn't matter how much time they spend together. They may develop some attraction to the person. They may find the person physically attractive, but maybe not emotionally attractive in the sense that they want to start a relationship with that person for whatever reasons that may be. If you're the person with the opposite sex friend and you notice yourself starting to get serious feelings for this person, then at this point you can either dump your current S.O. for this other person or sadly you may have to stop hanging out with this person as much or completely.


Q: Sorry, but I can't do it. I'm too worried that my partner will leave me for the other person if I allow them to have a friendship.

A: Look, when it all comes down to it, you can *never* be 100% sure whether or not your partner is cheating on you. Even if you do order your partner not be friends with this opposite sex friend they still have every opportunity to get with them if that's ultimately what they want. They could be going behind your back hanging out with this person knowing that you're not okay with it. They still could be communicating via Facebook or text message. Even if you do want to control who they can be friends with they still have *every* opportunity to leave you if that's what they want. Controlling who they can or can't hang out with won't stop them from leaving you. If them doing this worries you so much, you have 2 options: Leave them and find someone with a more compatible attitude OR....you can simply learn to trust your partner and address your concerns to them. This is when you discuss what your boundaries are and what you are/are not okay with and are willing to put up with. Either they'll reciprocate and respect what you have to say or they'll continue to do whatever they want regardless. At this point, you can decide if you want to carry on with this relationship or not.


Q: Trust isn't just blindly given to people. How can I trust my partner if he/she is doing all these things with their friend?

A: Believe it or not, trust IS blindly given to people in some aspects of life. Think about it. You trust them enough to go outside, go to work and not constantly spying on them to see if they're not cheating on you, right? You trust and respect them enough to not be constantly checking their Facebook or their phone for any signs of infidelity. Sounds like a form of blind trust to me. Blind trust is essential in many aspects of life. Who you choose to hire/work with, who you choose to be your partner, who you choose to be your friend, your teacher etc. You can trust them until they give you a reason not to, or you can not trust them until they've proven without a doubt that they are trustworthy (if you already have trust issues, this is going to be a problem regardless. I had a friend who was with a girl for 6 years, and literally NOTHING he did made her trust him in regards to this topic. She would keep trying to control control control what he did and it was never good enough no matter what he did). Why did you get with this person in the first place if you're still questioning whether or not you can trust them anyway? In that case, maybe you jumped into the relationship too soon?


Q: What if they do end up leaving me, though?

A: They have every right to do that. Relationships aren't prisons. If your partner ends up leaving you for someone more compatible, that is their choice they have every right to make. If you want to ensure that your partner won't leave you, then be the best person that you can for that person and hope that you're enough for them to want to stay with you. Your partner is a human being, too. They're allowed to make choices, too, regardless if you like/agree with them or not. You can be the perfect partner but they still decide to leave you for someone simply because they feel they are more compatible.


Q: So after reading all this, I'm still not okay with my S.O. being friends with someone of the opposite sex or an ex. Does that mean that I'm wrong/a bad person and that I should automatically be okay with it?

A: No. You have every right to implement whatever boundaries you want while in a relationship, and most of all, you have a right to be 'wrong'. If you're not okay with your partner having opposite sex friends, then you can very easily find someone else with the same views as you that make you guys compatible. Some people simply aren't comfortable with it, and that is okay. It's sad, but there are a huge # of people in this world who will find an opportunity to cheat simply because they can get away with it or simply just aren't capable of controlling their actions in regards to whatever attraction/temptation they may feel with this other person. And sadly, that probably isn't going to change for a very, very long time. Even people who swear up and down that they would never cheat do end up cheating when put in a tempting situation (Not everyone, though!). When it all comes down to it, regardless if someone is in a relationship, there will always be other people that your S.O. becomes attracted to physically and/or emotionally. Being attracted to someone, however, doesn't necessarily mean that they want/need to be with this person, though. If I was hanging out with a friend who was in a relationship, and I were to ask him, "Do you still think about other girls in terms of how pretty they are/how awesome of a person they are/how great of a partner they could POTENTIALLY be (not with you, but with anyone), and he said 'no', honestly I wouldn't believe him unless he just blatantly didn't interact with anyone else other than his significant other/family members. Feelings don't control actions unless you let them. Simple as that.

[]

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 11th May 2017 at 7:10 PM.. Reason: member request ~6
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Old 11th May 2017, 8:19 PM   #2
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On the first one, friends with exes, I think it's fine if you're friends with exes, as long as two conditions are met while you're in a relationship. One is that neither you nor the ex is looking to rekindle. The other is, if he/she is a real friend, your new partner should be included and invited when you get together, just like your other friends. They shouldn't be excluded. If you care that much about them as a person, you would hope your partner does too.
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Old 11th May 2017, 8:32 PM   #3
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On the first one, friends with exes, I think it's fine if you're friends with exes, as long as two conditions are met while you're in a relationship. One is that neither you nor the ex is looking to rekindle. The other is, if he/she is a real friend, your new partner should be included and invited when you get together, just like your other friends. They shouldn't be excluded. If you care that much about them as a person, you would hope your partner does too.
*nod* I really only think it becomes a problem if they start hanging out without the partner. It might be okay to do every now and then, but probably not a good idea to do it often...at that point it would be kind of hard not to feel like you're in competition with that person.
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Old 11th May 2017, 9:01 PM   #4
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I have no issue with opposite sex friends at all. But you do have to be more open about your relationship with that person to your partner. Like I could buy my mate a gift for his birthday without telling my wife, but I wouldn't buy a birthday gift for a female friend without discussing it with my wife. Just an example. That and I have strict rules for myself in place. Any relationship I have they need to respect my marriage or we are no longer friends. And I also wouldn't make friends with a girl who would allow me to disrespect my own marriage and still be my friend.

But I do think having friends of the opposite sex are good for you. If nothing else to get a different perspective on things that my Bros would never have. And for women, having a friend that is a guy does the same. Plus most women are just so vicious to one another. I've heard countless women say "I always get along with guys better then girls" women are just cruel and underhanded to one another.
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Old 11th May 2017, 10:11 PM   #5
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In my experiences, the less a person has to do with exes or opposite sex friends, the better off any future relationships will be. Relationships are hard enough these days, and that stuff just makes them even harder.
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Old 11th May 2017, 10:30 PM   #6
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*nod* I really only think it becomes a problem if they start hanging out without the partner. It might be okay to do every now and then, but probably not a good idea to do it often...at that point it would be kind of hard not to feel like you're in competition with that person.
Right, and you can't always be there if it's all the time.
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Old 11th May 2017, 11:12 PM   #7
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I also will add I think a partner who tries to pick and choose who you can be friends with shows a fundamental lack of trust. If I were told I can't be friends witha co-worker because she is female I wouldn't enter into that relationship. I police myself, I don't need you doing it for me, and if you can't trust me, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you in the first place.

I forgot to add in my rule that I wouldn't ever hang out with an opposite sex friend alone. Not for lunch with a co-worker even. That would be crossing a boundary I have set for myself. Although I don't hold my wife to that same boundary. I've even let her stay at a friend of ours house out of town who is a guy. She had a convention in another city and we had a friend from school who lived there that let her stay in the spare room to save some cash on a hotel. Trust is a beautiful thing.
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Old 3rd June 2017, 5:51 AM   #8
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Bababaabump.
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Old 3rd June 2017, 7:40 AM   #9
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Haven't you posted a LOT about this topic already?

Dude, it's totally fine to have opposite sex friends. I have plenty. But if they're occupying THIS much of your headspace, something is amiss and you might be deluding yourself if you think you truly feel platonic about them. If I spent as much time as you do thinking and writing about my platonic friends, I don't think I could call my relationship with them platonic.

Just my 2c. :shrug:
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Old 3rd June 2017, 8:37 AM   #10
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Haven't you posted a LOT about this topic already?

Dude, it's totally fine to have opposite sex friends. I have plenty. But if they're occupying THIS much of your headspace, something is amiss and you might be deluding yourself if you think you truly feel platonic about them. If I spent as much time as you do thinking and writing about my platonic friends, I don't think I could call my relationship with them platonic.
Pretty much what I was thinking. He seems obsessed with this topic. Now he's trying to define a set of rules (FAQ) that we're all supposed to accept, as if this can be reduced to an instruction manual. I don't think it's possible, and even if the manual includes a number of variables, there's no way it's going to include/account for everyone's perspective.

I'd rather not have to deal with opposite sex "friends" with someone I'm in relationship with. It's just icky. I know damn well that if the dude has a penis he would bang her in a NY minute, there's a good chance she's confiding things about our relationship with him that I don't even know, he's functioning as an emotional outlet of some sort and whatever that part is, is energy he's siphoning off of our relationship.

In other words, any other significant relationship affects the primary relationship, and in the case of opposite sex friends.. it's seldom if ever a benefit; it comes at a cost. How much exactly, and the nature of it, depends entirely on the three personalities in the relationship.
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Old 4th June 2017, 6:53 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
Haven't you posted a LOT about this topic already?

Dude, it's totally fine to have opposite sex friends. I have plenty. But if they're occupying THIS much of your headspace, something is amiss and you might be deluding yourself if you think you truly feel platonic about them. If I spent as much time as you do thinking and writing about my platonic friends, I don't think I could call my relationship with them platonic.

Just my 2c. :shrug:
It's a topic I'm super passionate about because so many people don't think it's possible and I find that crazy. It's true that the majority of guys will take any opportunity they can get but there are some guys out there that don't let that kind of thing control them. I personally have a couple of girls that I have no interest in banging not because they're unattractive but it would just be weird and for some reason people just think that's not possible. :/
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Old 4th June 2017, 7:47 AM   #12
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Fine be friends with your exes, surround yourself with opposite sex friends but do not be surprised when most people you are in a relationship with won't tolerate that as it always impacts negatively on the primary relationship in some way eventually if not immediately.

[]

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 4th June 2017 at 8:39 PM.. Reason: Topical content
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Old 4th June 2017, 8:04 AM   #13
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It's a topic I'm super passionate about because so many people don't think it's possible and I find that crazy. It's true that the majority of guys will take any opportunity they can get but there are some guys out there that don't let that kind of thing control them. I personally have a couple of girls that I have no interest in banging not because they're unattractive but it would just be weird and for some reason people just think that's not possible. :/
Don't expect people who are opposed to the idea to be won over by you posting about it a lot.

Most people are quite certain that whatever they think is true is what most other people think is true. Evidence often doesn't come into the picture at all.
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Old 4th June 2017, 5:16 PM   #14
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Pretty much what I was thinking. He seems obsessed with this topic. Now he's trying to define a set of rules (FAQ) that we're all supposed to accept, as if this can be reduced to an instruction manual. I don't think it's possible, and even if the manual includes a number of variables, there's no way it's going to include/account for everyone's perspective.

I'd rather not have to deal with opposite sex "friends" with someone I'm in relationship with. It's just icky. I know damn well that if the dude has a penis he would bang her in a NY minute, there's a good chance she's confiding things about our relationship with him that I don't even know, he's functioning as an emotional outlet of some sort and whatever that part is, is energy he's siphoning off of our relationship.

In other words, any other significant relationship affects the primary relationship, and in the case of opposite sex friends.. it's seldom if ever a benefit; it comes at a cost. How much exactly, and the nature of it, depends entirely on the three personalities in the relationship.
I don't expect you to accept anything my brother. You'd notice that if you read it and saw the very last bulletpoint.

I made this topic strictly for me and any other crazy oddballs that are like me. For my.own well being and my values in life. And well...sometimes it's good to put yourself out there, even if you 'fail'.
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Old 8th June 2017, 4:40 PM   #15
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Fine be friends with your exes, surround yourself with opposite sex friends but do not be surprised when most people you are in a relationship with won't tolerate that as it always impacts negatively on the primary relationship in some way eventually if not immediately.

[]

See and that's precisely why I made this guide because for some reason people think that it's impossible for this to be a reality. There are plenty of monogamous couples who don't care one bit how many opposite gender friends their partner has, even exes. If that doesn't align with your belief system that is totally fine *points to last bullet* because the sad reality of this world is that so many people, maybe even the majority, can't be trusted, but just keep an open mind. For all you know you just might meet someone that completely changes how you view life. Perception is not reality even though Sigmund Freud says it is.
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