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Question for those who have had/are having affairs


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spiderowl

Why did you seek an affair? Why not leave the marriage and seek what you needed instead?

 

I am not judging, just trying to understand.

 

Thanks

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MidnightBlue1980
Why did you seek an affair? Why not leave the marriage and seek what you needed instead?

 

I am not judging, just trying to understand.

 

Thanks

 

Very few people consciously seek an affair. It's not like you wake up one day and say, I'm going to go have an affair.

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RecentChange

I don't know that many people seek affairs, rather they find themselves ripe for them.

 

Why not just leave? Things are rarely so black and white.

 

Maybe they are selfish, maybe some areas of the relationship are lacking and they do not have the courage or the gumption to fix it, maybe they have become used to the status quo and are fearful of change, perhaps obligations stop them from leaving, perhaps they just want to eat cake.

 

The reasons are many, and unique to each couple, sometimes it all sounds like the same old story, but each has different reasons for why it happened (justified or not, reasons are not excuses)

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FortyandForlorn
Why did you seek an affair? Why not leave the marriage and seek what you needed instead?

 

I am not judging, just trying to understand.

 

Thanks

 

I didn't know what I needed. I love my husband - before, during, and after. Like RC said, it's not black and white. Marriage is complicated and nuanced. For me, it was like the children's book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." I thought I could manage my emotions. It went from, "hey, this super hot guy is checking me out," to being completely obsessed like a drug addict in a matter of months. It was all out of character for me. And I think that's the case with most people. We let our emotions get the best of us before we're able to figure out what's going on.

 

Humans are complex creatures.

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Overtaxed
I don't know that many people seek affairs, rather they find themselves ripe for them.

 

Why not just leave? Things are rarely so black and white.

 

Maybe they are selfish, maybe some areas of the relationship are lacking and they do not have the courage or the gumption to fix it, maybe they have become used to the status quo and are fearful of change, perhaps obligations stop them from leaving, perhaps they just want to eat cake.

 

The reasons are many, and unique to each couple, sometimes it all sounds like the same old story, but each has different reasons for why it happened (justified or not, reasons are not excuses)

 

Of the men I know in A's, most are there to eat cake. My wife's A was an exit affair, she didn't want to end the marriage and thought the A would get me to do it. So yes, there are lots of reasons; in general, men are cheating to more sex (cake eating) and women are cheating because they want an emotional connection they are missing with their husband (more cake eating). Those are very broad generalizations though; and of course, are going to be wrong in a lot of cases.

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Me personally? I wanted out "wanted to be rescued" I think, that's why it started.

 

Why it continued? Because I didn't expect to feel the way I did or get what I got out of it.

 

As for him? Don't know. Fear of commitment, intimacy, conflict avoidant....take your pick.

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Relationships can get to be very complicated.... The longer they last the more complicated it gets.....You would think a person could keep black and white, right and wrong separate and clear, but, sometime, things get gray.

Poor communication in a relationship.

Unmet needs, desires, wants.

A weak moment, or, failure in a long term pressure cooker relationship.

I suppose, conflicting emotions, fear, frustration, depression, anger, desire, love, responsibility, duty, obligation, caring.

Desperation, frustration, passive aggressive tendencies.

Relationships that seem to swing between extremes.

Two people in a dysfunctional relationship.

So, why not leave? Why not confront?

....

I suppose for at least a certain group of waywards, former waywards, or potential waywards, it is an extreme form of passive aggressive behavior.

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Very few people consciously seek an affair. It's not like you wake up one day and say, I'm going to go have an affair.

i dont seek affair. It just happends and gets deeper and deeper.

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spiderowl

I can understand that any of us can become interested in another person and attached to them, but on dating sites married men seek affairs. They are hiding from their wives. There is nothing accidental about what they are doing? Is it just about sex?

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RecentChange
I can understand that any of us can become interested in another person and attached to them, but on dating sites married men seek affairs. They are hiding from their wives. There is nothing accidental about what they are doing? Is it just about sex?

 

Again, it's hard to generalize.

 

Sometimes (often!?) It's just about sex. Or perhaps attention, or ego boosting, or excitement, or seeking that thrill that a "new love" entails, or again sex.

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Southern Sun
I can understand that any of us can become interested in another person and attached to them, but on dating sites married men seek affairs. They are hiding from their wives. There is nothing accidental about what they are doing? Is it just about sex?

 

In those particular instances, these are people who WANT to maintain both. They want to keep the marriage in place (for whatever reason...people have different motives), but then they are actively and on purpose seeking something additional in secret. So your original question doesn't apply to them. They don't have anything (in their opinion) to fix. Or maybe they've given up on fixing them. I doubt their BS agrees.

 

Others who don't treat affairs this way but still end up in them don't wake up one day and say to themselves, "I am unhappy. How shall I fix it? An affair? Or divorce? I think I'll try the affair first." Often the person isn't even all that unhappy. They just have poor boundaries and get flattered by someone noticing them and then feelings develop and THEN they get unhappy. Naturally.

 

Sometimes they are actually unhappy and they end up in an affair (or pursue one, whatever). These are your conflict-avoiders. Some have said they are the ones using the affairs as exits. Ultimately they are wanting a big bust-up to happen but can't bring themselves to actually DO it...so they are passive aggressive about it and make it a million times worse.

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When I was in my early 30's I had a great physique and every month or two a married co-worker would try to sleep with me. I asked a couple of them why they would risk their marriage to be with me and both of them said pretty much the same thing which was "your body doesn't look like my husband's". I've never had an affair and hope I never do should I find myself in a relationship. I'm glad that I said no to the married women who were trying to hook up with me.

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harrybrown
I didn't know what I needed. I love my husband - before, during, and after. Like RC said, it's not black and white. Marriage is complicated and nuanced. For me, it was like the children's book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." I thought I could manage my emotions. It went from, "hey, this super hot guy is checking me out," to being completely obsessed like a drug addict in a matter of months. It was all out of character for me. And I think that's the case with most people. We let our emotions get the best of us before we're able to figure out what's going on.

 

Humans are complex creatures.

 

How is your H doing?

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Overtaxed
I can understand that any of us can become interested in another person and attached to them, but on dating sites married men seek affairs. They are hiding from their wives. There is nothing accidental about what they are doing? Is it just about sex?

 

Yes, that's just about sex. As are most A's when the man is stepping out.

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spiderowl

I chatted to a married man and asked him why he was seeking an affair. It became clear he was also hoping the other woman would fall in love with him. Why? If it is just sex, that does not make sense. If it is ego, I suppose it does, but it would be a major complication and a threat to the marriage if that happened.

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I chatted to a married man and asked him why he was seeking an affair. It became clear he was also hoping the other woman would fall in love with him. Why? If it is just sex, that does not make sense. If it is ego, I suppose it does, but it would be a major complication and a threat to the marriage if that happened.

Is it "Just Sex"? Yes and No.

"Just Sex", generally speaking, is from the female mindset, viewpoint.

Men and woman get different things from sex, they view sex differently, they understand sex differently.

Most men don't even really fully realize why sex is so important to them.

It really isn't about the "Sex". It is about the meaning of sex.

Down to the deep core of a man, he desires respect most of all. In many ways, the male mind intuitively, right or wrong, associate desire and sex with respect.

I am not a woman, I have heard that woman deep down desire "Love" most of all. I am given to understand, they associate, relationship stability and security with "Love".

Now I have heard to one form or another, over the years, all sorts of anecdotal evidence that many professional women in the sex trade industry eventually figure this out and use it to create a value added experience in order to get repeat customers.

What is involved is broken relationships where woman who do not feel loved use sex as a bargaining chip or a point of leverage in relationship power plays, and the guy is detached and spending more time and money on friends and hobbies... who knows where is starts, who is at fault, who is abusing who in the relationship.

So, often, men are seeking temporary cotton candy relationships in order to get the emotional fix they need to keep on going through the status quo.

So, why not end the relationship or fix it instead...

It get's complicated. I think affairs and one night stands are sort of the band aid solution to a gunshot wound to the chest.

One other associated observation that I think men are intuitively aware of. Woman have a heard time keeping emotions separate from sex. Many of the stories on this site and others involve wayward wives who initially get involve for sex only situations with men they normally do not like or admire, often find themselves emotionally falling in love hard and fast for the other man once the sex starts.

Usually, the unintended side affect is that they fall out of love for the husband. Then either before or after, lose, respect, and desire, and love for the nice guy husband they where cheating on.

There are all sorts of hard wire genetic theories. There are also biblical spiritual grounds for some of this as well.

Either way, a bad situation made worse. Trying to fulfill unmet needs in a dysfunctional relationship.

So, sex is seldom just sex, and when it starts out as just sex, it seldom stays just sex.

However, for a select few. Usually people from either gender, they are broken people with commitment, love, and bonding issues to begin with. In those cases, sex may in deed be just sex.

But, that's just my opinion, expressed in a short burst of forum, free formed typing. Prone to simplification and over and understated concepts and ideas.

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Overtaxed
I chatted to a married man and asked him why he was seeking an affair. It became clear he was also hoping the other woman would fall in love with him. Why? If it is just sex, that does not make sense. If it is ego, I suppose it does, but it would be a major complication and a threat to the marriage if that happened.

 

If he put it that way (hope SHE falls in love with ME), then it's sex and ego. Sex, because when a woman loves you, she'll do more extreme sexual things, and ego, because having 2 women love you is a great stroke to the manhood.

 

Also, if you can make her love you, it's easier to keep her on a string; waiting around for the next time you're available. Look at the OM/OW forum, you'll see dozens of posts in the first pages of women who are on that string, men told them they love them, and yet, somehow, just can't seem to leave. Yeah, right. If I really loved someone (like I love my wife) I'd do whatever it took, RIGHT NOW, as in this evening to be with them. D my wife, walk out the door and never look back, whatever. Because, I know how rare love really is for a man, I've been with countless women, I've been in love twice. A third time (assuming my W was out of the picture), I'd move heaven and earth to be with her.

 

That's not what these men do, they pussyfoot around, play hard to get, and back burner these women. That is NOT what you do, as a man, when you love a woman. Women fall in love easily, and sadly, also fall out of easily. Men are the opposite, we very rarely fall in love, but, when we do, it sticks and most of us will do anything to keep that feeling coming. Including writing a Dear John letter and walking right out the front door.

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somanymistakes
I chatted to a married man and asked him why he was seeking an affair. It became clear he was also hoping the other woman would fall in love with him. Why? If it is just sex, that does not make sense. If it is ego, I suppose it does, but it would be a major complication and a threat to the marriage if that happened.

 

"Just" sex, well, it's complicated. I've seen a number of men posting in anonymous affair-related forums talking about how they don't find sex enjoyable if they haven't built some kind of connection with the affair partner. They don't want to hire a prostitute, they want someone who is actually enjoying herself in bed, someone who wants to please them and who they can enjoy pleasing in return. Someone that they matter to, at least a little bit. Otherwise they might as well just be masturbating.

 

That doesn't mean they love her, or want to be with her long-term, of course.

 

But all men are not the same, many feel quite differently about the whole situation. Some men hold their affair partners in contempt for being willing to sleep with married men...

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Why we do the things we do. I know men who have values. They keep their word. They're reliable. They're honest men. They have character. They care more about the well-being of others than they do themselves, and to break their word is more destructive to their selves than the problems that keeping their word brings. They understand people are not defined by their actions, but rather, by their humanity.

 

It takes a strong sense of self. Knowing who you are, and what's important to maintain self-respect. These people are almost always....humble men. Not in the weak sense of the word....as the world interprets it, but in the spiritual sense...as the world doesn't understand it...and it's desires to not understand it.

 

Humility can be a bitter pill to swallow. Sometimes it has to be beaten into us. If we're lucky, we begin to see it as the only avenue to true freedom. So we reach for it....willingly.

 

Those are the people, who don't have affairs.

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Why not leave the marriage and seek what you needed instead?

 

As others have said, this differs case by case.

 

In my H's case, much as he wanted to, he felt he couldn't leave the M at that stage. He'd recently (about a year prior) agreed to take his then-W back after a split of a year (during which he was blissfully happy, but she fell apart once dumped by her OM) after she and the kids begged him to allow her back after she promised the moon and stars. He simply felt he couldn't put the kids through that trauma again so soon, and felt he was trapped and doomed to be stuck in the M until the kids were old enough to leave home.

 

A couple of years, and an A, later, things were very different and the kids supported him leaving (and taking them with). Timing really made a difference.

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I can understand that any of us can become interested in another person and attached to them, but on dating sites married men seek affairs. They are hiding from their wives. There is nothing accidental about what they are doing? Is it just about sex?

 

 

After years of asking "why", I realized it really doesn't matter, at least not a first.

 

The only reason a person cheats is because at that point in time, they wanted to, and they acted on that desire.

 

Having thoughts about someone else besides your spouse may be troubling, but it's not cheating. Acting on them is. For whatever reason, that ws in that one point in time, felt entitled to have an affair, and they did.

 

That sounds harsh, but in a weird way, it's actually a good thing, as behavior you can choose is also behavior you can change. Most ws are not horrible people beyond redemption. The majority I have interacted with are actually really decent people who are engaging in crappy behavior.

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I personally believe that most As are about fear of rejection. Sometimes subconsciously, sometimes not.

 

Generally at the root of infidelity is something that a WS doesn't feel they can disclose to their BS. Whether it's a resentment, a disquiet or dissatisfaction, a fear of mortality, a deep seated grief, the desire for strange... and the list could go on... But it's always a something that when shared with another (OW/M) elicits some sense of reward be it physical, emotional or whatever. And conversely it is something the WS on some level fears sharing with their spouse; fears will lessen their spouse's regard and risk rejection. So they take bit of themselves elsewhere. And they wouldn't have to if they didn't fear rejection and/or trust their spouse enough to disclose.

 

There is always a point in the lead up to an A where a WS could turn to their spouse and admit they're feeling attracted to a coworker and flattered by the attention, or that they're tempted to join Ashley Madison because they're craving anonymous sex, etc. They could admit what they're going through and seek their spouse's support to be strong and find and address underlying issues. But they don't because they're afraid of rejection.

 

So they do it. And they hide it. Hide part of themselves. From both parties seeking to not be rejected by either. As someone here on LS coined - infidelity is an outsourcing of intimacy. It's a partial outsourcing which leaves no one with a whole.

 

TBH I believe we bear some responsibility for this as a society. The prevailing mythology is that we get married and by virtue of that fact monogamy is an accepted conclusion. But the fact is that where monogamy is a lay down mazzeir for some, for others it will be a struggle. It's almost anathema to admit to not being inclined to monogamy but admitting to challenges and choosing fidelity because you love your partner. In some quarters you are more likely to be punished for admitting challenges than continually overiding them and choosing fidelity.

 

But I digress. I think in a lot of cases a WS embarks upon an A because it satisfies something they lack; and that lack is something they fear their spouse will reject them for. Catch 22. I don't want to be rejected, therefore will embark upon something even more likely to result in rejection!

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Warning, over the top generalization about the be given.

A thought and opinion I have, right or wrong.

 

Woman seek a man's love because in general, a man will give the best he has to offer to the one he loves the most. His time, resources, loyalty, his life.

Men are driven by love more than they know or realize.

 

Men seek a woman's respect because in general, a woman will give the best she has to offer to the one she respects the most. Her time, loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, desire, sex, and usually, eventually, her love.

Woman seem to be driven by who or what they respect the most more than they realize.

 

The opposite sexes instinctually respond and seek what seems to govern the behavior of the opposite sex.

From my limited male perspective, trying to avoid saying what I am about to say.

It seems like for some woman, they end up respecting and loving who they have sex with. They usually get around to stop having sex with who they do not love and respect.

Edited by QuietDan
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If he put it that way (hope SHE falls in love with ME), then it's sex and ego. Sex, because when a woman loves you, she'll do more extreme sexual things, and ego, because having 2 women love you is a great stroke to the manhood.

 

Also, if you can make her love you, it's easier to keep her on a string; waiting around for the next time you're available. Look at the OM/OW forum, you'll see dozens of posts in the first pages of women who are on that string, men told them they love them, and yet, somehow, just can't seem to leave. Yeah, right. If I really loved someone (like I love my wife) I'd do whatever it took, RIGHT NOW, as in this evening to be with them. D my wife, walk out the door and never look back, whatever. Because, I know how rare love really is for a man, I've been with countless women, I've been in love twice. A third time (assuming my W was out of the picture), I'd move heaven and earth to be with her.

 

That's not what these men do, they pussyfoot around, play hard to get, and back burner these women. That is NOT what you do, as a man, when you love a woman. Women fall in love easily, and sadly, also fall out of easily. Men are the opposite, we very rarely fall in love, but, when we do, it sticks and most of us will do anything to keep that feeling coming. Including writing a Dear John letter and walking right out the front door.

 

 

Something a lot of men ignore is that women will use sex to manipulate them. As awful as it may be, women are given the message, very early on, that they can use their sexuality ( for lack of a better term) to get men to do what they want.

 

You can see this right from the story of Helen of Troy ( who's face (euphemism?) launched a thousand ships) to today's female celebrities.

 

This being said, it is still is not an excuse for cheating.

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Southern Sun
I personally believe that most As are about fear of rejection. Sometimes subconsciously, sometimes not.

 

Generally at the root of infidelity is something that a WS doesn't feel they can disclose to their BS. Whether it's a resentment, a disquiet or dissatisfaction, a fear of mortality, a deep seated grief, the desire for strange... and the list could go on... But it's always a something that when shared with another (OW/M) elicits some sense of reward be it physical, emotional or whatever. And conversely it is something the WS on some level fears sharing with their spouse; fears will lessen their spouse's regard and risk rejection. So they take bit of themselves elsewhere. And they wouldn't have to if they didn't fear rejection and/or trust their spouse enough to disclose.

 

There is always a point in the lead up to an A where a WS could turn to their spouse and admit they're feeling attracted to a coworker and flattered by the attention, or that they're tempted to join Ashley Madison because they're craving anonymous sex, etc. They could admit what they're going through and seek their spouse's support to be strong and find and address underlying issues. But they don't because they're afraid of rejection.

 

So they do it. And they hide it. Hide part of themselves. From both parties seeking to not be rejected by either. As someone here on LS coined - infidelity is an outsourcing of intimacy. It's a partial outsourcing which leaves no one with a whole.

 

TBH I believe we bear some responsibility for this as a society. The prevailing mythology is that we get married and by virtue of that fact monogamy is an accepted conclusion. But the fact is that where monogamy is a lay down mazzeir for some, for others it will be a struggle. It's almost anathema to admit to not being inclined to monogamy but admitting to challenges and choosing fidelity because you love your partner. In some quarters you are more likely to be punished for admitting challenges than continually overiding them and choosing fidelity.

 

But I digress. I think in a lot of cases a WS embarks upon an A because it satisfies something they lack; and that lack is something they fear their spouse will reject them for. Catch 22. I don't want to be rejected, therefore will embark upon something even more likely to result in rejection!

 

Isn't there something NATURAL about fearing telling your spouse, "I want to seek anonymous sex"?

 

I feel that we as a society "contribute" to this because it is just ingrained...for a reason. We feel betrayal at our cores, not because someone tells us to, or because it's in the "Ten Commandments". No rule has to guide us to feel betrayal due to infidelity.

 

Many people simply aren't built to have an easy-breezy response to, "Honey, I'm attracted to my co-worker." I wonder how we change that?

 

Now I do agree with you that we should support one another in the effort towards monogamy, if that is our goal when we marry. There are naturally going to be temptations along the way in a marriage that's expected to last 20, 30, 50 years or more. We shouldn't enter a marriage so naively. We should be educated about this and far more prepared to help each other. But if we are going to do this, we need a LOT more self-awareness, and a lot more maturity.

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