Dealbreaker? He slept with his live-in ex

[xaviercross]

Hello, I was hoping for some advice...

 

I've (29) been seeing a guy (27) for about two months now. He lives with his ex-girlfriend because they own a house together. To me that was a red flag and I did ask him about it. He told me it had been an on/off relationship for two years that was over. They lived in separate bedrooms. I trusted this and didn't really push for more information, figuring he was an adult and it would work out over time.

 

Three weeks into us hanging out we slept together. Now nine weeks into it, we talked about how serious we were getting. I asked him if his ex-girlfriend knew that he was dating. He had mentioned that she had asked him to try counselling, so it seemed to me that the relationship wasn't as over as he had portrayed.

 

Then he casually told me that he had slept with her, and I worked out it was the weekend following us sleeping together for the first time. This shocked me and unfortunately I didn't allow him to continue so I don't know the extent of it. He saw my shock and went into justifying/explaining mode and said he was drunk at the time and we weren't really seeing eachother. He said it was before he had gotten to really know me and care about me.

 

I told him this was a dealbreaker for me and that I would not have got involved with him if I thought they were not completely done. I don't know why he even told me if it didn't mean anything to him, because how could I continue knowing that and them still living together??? Also, I feel like it shows his lack of respect for his ex who doesn't seem over it. I have now unfriended him on FB and blocked him on messenger. He could still hypothetically contact me on the phone.

 

So now I'm having doubts. We were in contact every day on messenger, although we saw eachother maybe once or twice a week due to his work and because we couldn't have a normal relationship like hang out at his place. He was really sweet, listening and asking how my day was and always said the right things and was full of compliments.

 

I understand how it could happen with his ex, there's always that comfort and left-over feelings and I even saw my ex at the start, kissed him, and almost went back to it...but I didn't because I knew where that would take me and wanted to give this new thing a chance.

 

So I can understand his point of view. I feel like I did the right thing in not making out like it was nothing but I'm so shocked and dismayed as I thought he was a good guy and was starting to fall for him. I feel like I gave the indication that there was no hope for our relationship to continue and he is probably be scared to get in contact.

 

So what do you think? Is this guy worth getting in touch with or should I just leave it? Our relationship had its issues in that I'm living in his country and have been umming and ahhing about going home in a few months time. So it might be easier to let it die...He had wanted me to stay but seeing him as little as I did was making it hard to get to know him and whether he was worth staying for... I feel so confused!

[basil67]

You did exactly the right thing. Even if he hadn't slept with her, the fact that the two of them haven't emotionally moved on sufficiently for you to hang out at his place should ring alarm bells on it's own.

 

I bet they still share a bed.

[aileD]

Sounds like they're "on again"

[xaviercross]

Thanks for your replies. Now I guess it's onto resolving the anger and moving on with the healing process.

[preraph]

She's his main woman and you're his side dish. They own a house together. So do most couples who are divorcing and they manage to sell it and move on separately.