Jump to content

"The chase is over"??


Recommended Posts

Cookiesandough

I see it a lot on here...

 

"Men love the chase"

"How do I get him to chase me again?"

"He dumped you because you gave it up too soon so the chase is over"

 

What is the chase? How important do you think it is to starting/and or maintaining a healthy relationship? How soon is too soon for it to be over? How do you keep it going?

 

I don't really want to be running from someone the whole relationship but people around here talk as if it's necessary to maintain interest so I guess I should know this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
somanymistakes

This isn't just a 'men' thing, it's a human thing. Look at women who go crazy over men they perceive as 'a challenge'.

 

A few things:

- We are often more strongly drawn to things that seem out of reach, and value them more if we had to work harder to accomplish them. Consciously or not, some people will feel that a partner they didn't have to fight hard to win is "too easy" and therefore not as valuable. If they were easily won by you, they might be easily won by anyone, they might have poor judgement, they might be promiscuous. These things aren't necessarily true, of course!

- Sometimes wanting is better than having. While you're still pursuing a person, you have this fantasy of them in your mind as utterly desirable and perfect. You may be in limerence, with all its spice and angst. The true long-term reality of a relationship is always going to be a little duller than that wild passion. It doesn't have to be totally dull, and if it's totally dull something has probably gone wrong. But it won't be the same.

- Some people really are only interested in the chase, to prove that they CAN do something. Once they've won, they want a new challenge. However, you can't possibly keep this going in a healthy relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Cookiesandough
This isn't just a 'men' thing, it's a human thing. Look at women who go crazy over men they perceive as 'a challenge'.

 

A few things:

- We are often more strongly drawn to things that seem out of reach, and value them more if we had to work harder to accomplish them. Consciously or not, some people will feel that a partner they didn't have to fight hard to win is "too easy" and therefore not as valuable. If they were easily won by you, they might be easily won by anyone, they might have poor judgement, they might be promiscuous. These things aren't necessarily true, of course!

- Sometimes wanting is better than having. While you're still pursuing a person, you have this fantasy of them in your mind as utterly desirable and perfect. You may be in limerence, with all its spice and angst. The true long-term reality of a relationship is always going to be a little duller than that wild passion. It doesn't have to be totally dull, and if it's totally dull something has probably gone wrong. But it won't be the same.

- Some people really are only interested in the chase, to prove that they CAN do something. Once they've won, they want a new challenge. However, you can't possibly keep this going in a healthy relationship.

Thanks. but what is "easily" won? I assume, like everything else, it's relative? Does this mean we should be putting road blocks up for someone even if we like them? Instead of being friendly and receptive, maybe we should be a little cold and aloof? But that's hard, that would vary a lot for different people. Someone might get discouraged. When can we stop putting up these blocks or it has to continue forever? Like even if you're in a relationship, if you continue being a little bit b*tcht and holding back, it might keep them on their toes? I'm just trying to understand

Link to post
Share on other sites
Shining One

The problem with putting up walls is you have no idea how the specific person in question will respond. You don't know him well enough at that stage. He could increase his pursuit or he could move on to a woman who doesn't build walls.

 

My advice is to do what comes naturally to you. The wall-builders will match up with the chasers and the non-wall-builders will match up with the non-chasers.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing to understand is that people who can only stay engaged if chasing must be avoided. If a guy gets you as a girlfriend and promptly loses interest, kick him to the kerb. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

Posters write as if this is a common thing, but it's really not that common. Look at all those happily married couples around: Their chase has long ended and they have the love of their life happily secured. And despite what some say about the chase, these people stay around and cherish their partners.

 

The concept that this is a normal thing is a bunch of bollocks.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I do like the chase. The few women who chased me were likely to be successful, including my ex. It's quite flattering, to be honest. And we all know that good old flattery still works.

 

Wait ... ah, never mind.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't chase women with the exception of my ex as I thought that's what I needed to do (hint, I was wrong).

 

I don't like chasing women and prefer when they chase me. If I like a girl I'll always let her know how special she is, but I refuse to chase for the sake of it.

 

I dated this one girl in the fall and recently a month or so ago. She admittedly made things "difficult" for me. I lost interest again.

 

Had I wanted to I could have slept with her but the effort vs pay out was not worth it at all.

 

So if I'm required to chase, I'll likely give up.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...