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Why do MM seek emotional as well as physical affairs?


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If it is all about novel sex for a MM and he makes a sexual approach to a woman, why would he then start to want the more emotional side of things too? To want time, attention, even fidelity and reassurance that you will still be around for him? It seems strange to seek sexual encounters but then start to share emotionally vulnerability. Surely it would make more sense for a MM who wants to experiment to be determined to remain detached?

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If it is all about novel sex for a MM and he makes a sexual approach to a woman, why would he then start to want the more emotional side of things too? To want time, attention, even fidelity and reassurance that you will still be around for him? It seems strange to seek sexual encounters but then start to share emotionally vulnerability. Surely it would make more sense for a MM who wants to experiment to be determined to remain detached?

 

In my experience with women, and from hearing about other's affairs, they don't seek the emotional attachment, they offer it in return for the physical part (sex).

 

No, I've never been in an affair. But I've had sex with many women, and while I've always said "lovey" things, I only really felt them twice (with my wife and a long term GF I had as a young man). I have, however, said "I love you" hundreds of times to dozens of women.

 

Men sell emotional attachment, women sell sex. Very few women want to enter into an A for sex, very few men want to enter into one to have someone to share secrets with. It's the nature of male/female relationships, both in an A and in "real life".

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Simple Logic

Probably too many reasons to list. Some the excitement of a new wowan, boredom, lack of emotional/sexual connection ar home, some just like to cheat.

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independentwoman
In my experience with women, and from hearing about other's affairs, they don't seek the emotional attachment, they offer it in return for the physical part (sex).

 

No, I've never been in an affair. But I've had sex with many women, and while I've always said "lovey" things, I only really felt them twice (with my wife and a long term GF I had as a young man). I have, however, said "I love you" hundreds of times to dozens of women.

 

Men sell emotional attachment, women sell sex. Very few women want to enter into an A for sex, very few men want to enter into one to have someone to share secrets with. It's the nature of male/female relationships, both in an A and in "real life".

 

Yep, a lot of the "emotional" stuff the ow believe is not real for the MM. It's faked. They aren't stupid, what woman is going to go for a MM who says "hey I have a great wife and family at home, but I just don't get enough sex. I don't want to pay for a prostitute so will you give it to me free?"

 

They like the fantasy, they future fake, they say whatever it takes to get what they want.

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Yep, a lot of the "emotional" stuff the ow believe is not real for the MM. It's faked. They aren't stupid, what woman is going to go for a MM who says "hey I have a great wife and family at home, but I just don't get enough sex. I don't want to pay for a prostitute so will you give it to me free?"

 

They like the fantasy, they future fake, they say whatever it takes to get what they want.

 

That's just sad. Faking emotion. Lying. Pretending to care. Pretending to share. It's do ingenuine. It's stupid! SAD!

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independentwoman
That's just sad. Faking emotion. Lying. Pretending to care. Pretending to share. It's do ingenuine. It's stupid! SAD!

 

It is sad and stupid. What's worse is that many of us fall for it hook line and sinker.

 

"My wife is crazy, doesn't have sex with me, we are just roommates, she's using me as a paycheck, she cheated on me, she doesn't have time for me blah blah de blah"

 

And we are like aww you poor abused man, I can make you feel better! I'm so much better than your mean ole wife.

 

Then the shock that they would actually LIE to us the love of their life?! How could they treat us so badly, throw us under the bus, abandon us, say mean things about us to their wives, omg!

 

Well really, what did we expect. If they can do it to the wife, they can do it to you.

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It's overly simplistic to try to put a variety of MM all in one box. Some do it callously to get the ego boost and new sex. Some do it because they've lost any emotional connection at home and find that with someone else, and the physical connection is secondary. Making one-size-fits-all statements is just inaccurate.

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It is sad and stupid. What's worse is that many of us fall for it hook line and sinker.

 

"My wife is crazy, doesn't have sex with me, we are just roommates, she's using me as a paycheck, she cheated on me, she doesn't have time for me blah blah de blah"

 

And we are like aww you poor abused man, I can make you feel better! I'm so much better than your mean ole wife.

 

Then the shock that they would actually LIE to us the love of their life?! How could they treat us so badly, throw us under the bus, abandon us, say mean things about us to their wives, omg!

 

Well really, what did we expect. If they can do it to the wife, they can do it to you.

 

Lol. My MM never talked about her. He'd say, I'm trying to keep things amicable with my ex for our children. Or we are trying to work it out but it's hard. They been through a lot I suppose. Split s few times within the last year.

 

I can't imagine a man bad talking his wife to me. It would be a turn off. Bad talking any woman would. Plus I really want love so, if he still with her he can't give me that. And for him to talk so bad about her but he still there says a lot. He'll probably never leave.

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If it is all about novel sex for a MM and he makes a sexual approach to a woman, why would he then start to want the more emotional side of things too? To want time, attention, even fidelity and reassurance that you will still be around for him? It seems strange to seek sexual encounters but then start to share emotionally vulnerability. Surely it would make more sense for a MM who wants to experiment to be determined to remain detached?

 

"If it is all about novel sex...." - but many times it isn't. The "it's all about novel sex" thing is just a cliche many BS comfort themselves with to get beyond blaming themselves for feeling they drove their WS into someone else's arms by being a crappy partner. Sure, it may be true in a few cases, but it's untrue in many others - or pure EAs (which have only an emotional, and no sexual, component) wouldn't exist.

 

And no, it's not just a trade-off to lure an OW either. There are plenty of prospective female APs (OW or MOW) who just want the sex without the emotional attachment, and enough za's that are just about the sex for both parties, for that to be an option if that was what they wanted.

 

Nope. The reason they start the emotional side is because that's what they want, or need. I know with my H (fMM) that was what he was craving - any sex was just a bonus on top of that. And I'm pretty sure that was the case with my father, too (especially because, well, parents don't have sex :p either with each other or with anyone else...)

 

I'm also pretty certain that the MM who form emotional as well as sexual bonds with their APs are the ones far more likely to transition the A into a FTR once circumstances allow.

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In my experience with women, and from hearing about other's affairs, they don't seek the emotional attachment, they offer it in return for the physical part (sex).

 

No, I've never been in an affair. But I've had sex with many women, and while I've always said "lovey" things, I only really felt them twice (with my wife and a long term GF I had as a young man). I have, however, said "I love you" hundreds of times to dozens of women.

 

Men sell emotional attachment, women sell sex. Very few women want to enter into an A for sex, very few men want to enter into one to have someone to share secrets with. It's the nature of male/female relationships, both in an A and in "real life".

Thankyou for this post. Neat posts like these give good perspective.
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In my experience with women, and from hearing about other's affairs, they don't seek the emotional attachment, they offer it in return for the physical part (sex).

 

No, I've never been in an affair. But I've had sex with many women, and while I've always said "lovey" things, I only really felt them twice (with my wife and a long term GF I had as a young man). I have, however, said "I love you" hundreds of times to dozens of women.

 

Men sell emotional attachment, women sell sex. Very few women want to enter into an A for sex, very few men want to enter into one to have someone to share secrets with. It's the nature of male/female relationships, both in an A and in "real life".

 

This kind of cheap stereotyping sells airport books, but has little bearing on reality.

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There is likely no pat answer for this question.

 

Each person is different, and bs might want to believe all affairs are nothing but sex and ow/om might want to believe it's about emotions and love.

 

If one wants to find out, they should ask the man or woman in question why they are cheating and also if they have an emotional attachment to the ow/om.

 

They are the only ones who can truthfully answer, and their response might vary, based upon where in the A they are.

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somanymistakes

From posts I've seen on other forums devoted to men in affairs encouraging each other, a good number of them don't find sex satisfying without some kind of relationship. They don't just want an orgasm, they want attention, encouragement. They want reassurance that they are desirable in and out of bed. They want to be able to give affection as well as receive it.

 

Doesn't mean that those guys are looking for deep love or a new wife, but they want more than a free prostitute or blowup doll.

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Why do MM seek emotional as well as physical affairs?

 

The reason why the “emotional” part of the affairs are devastating is the absence of, guilt and shame that often accompany extramarital/relationship encounters.

 

The one engaging in the affair justifies it as "innocent fun" and this mindset comes from people who are seriously devoid of basic reasoning and they also have lost all respect for the partner they are cheating on.

 

Bottom line, the betrayal of emotional infidelity can be as debilitating as that of physical infidelity. Even though physical boundaries have not been crossed, you're taking your best communication outside of your relationship and once you do that there's not much left to bring to your partner.

Some do it callously to get the ego boost

 

And those who are willing to engage in such self-destructive, disrespectful behavior for a freaking ego boost have far greater mental/emotional issues going on.

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Thanks for some interesting insights. Nearly got drawn into an affair with a MM. When we chatted, he was almost distressed at the prospect that an OW could view it as just sex with a 'friend' (in my opinion is it essential the OW see it like that rather than risk getting emotionally involved). He seemed to want more, attachment and even commitment. This was pretty confusing. It doesn't fit with the context at all and did not make sense to me.

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It's overly simplistic to try to put a variety of MM all in one box. Some do it callously to get the ego boost and new sex. Some do it because they've lost any emotional connection at home and find that with someone else, and the physical connection is secondary. Making one-size-fits-all statements is just inaccurate.

 

Absolutely, however, generalizations exist for a reason. And, this stereotype is, in most cases, going to be true. Listen, in general, men don't need an emotional component to have sex with a woman; when you add in the element of an A, there's a very very good chance that the man has no need for additional emotional connection (he probably get's more of that than he wants from his wife), he wants more sex.

 

Sure, there are exceptions. But they are exceptions, in general, men in A's are going to be there for sex, not for the emotional components.

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Thanks for some interesting insights. Nearly got drawn into an affair with a MM. When we chatted, he was almost distressed at the prospect that an OW could view it as just sex with a 'friend' (in my opinion is it essential the OW see it like that rather than risk getting emotionally involved). He seemed to want more, attachment and even commitment. This was pretty confusing. It doesn't fit with the context at all and did not make sense to me.

 

It's very likely that he was telling you that because he thought that's what you wanted to hear. I'm a man, trust me, I've done this many times in the past (playing "hard to get" because I wanted the emotional component, not because I wanted it, but because I knew that would draw women in). You may well have found an exception to the rule, but it's an exception, and women would be well served to know that, in most cases, men in an A are there for sex, not emotional attachment. And, of course, the reverse exists for women, most are there to get emotional needs filled, not because they can't get all the sex they want at home.

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LivingWaterPlease
Absolutely, however, generalizations exist for a reason. And, this stereotype is, in most cases, going to be true. Listen, in general, men don't need an emotional component to have sex with a woman; when you add in the element of an A, there's a very very good chance that the man has no need for additional emotional connection (he probably get's more of that than he wants from his wife), he wants more sex.

 

Sure, there are exceptions. But they are exceptions, in general, men in A's are going to be there for sex, not for the emotional components.

 

I couldn't disagree more with the above. Simply not true from my experience and observation.

 

Seems to me the predominate perspective one holds toward this idea that men are less interested in emotional attachment than women are is indicative of the types of people the person making assumptions associates with and the type of person who is making the statement.

 

My experience in life has taught me that some men and some women alike are generally interested in the emotional aspect of relationships and some men and some women alike are disinterested in emotional attachments within the context of relationships. This would include romantic, sexual and platonic relationships.

 

Seems to me many factors are involved in shaping a person's ability and desire to experience emotional depth in relationships some of which include sociological, familial (early childhood and beyond) relationships, temperament, intelligence (don't misunderstand me to be saying that intelligence dictates emotional capacity, it is far more complex than that but it can have an influence in the matter) and much more. It is a complex issue and gender neutral in my experience.

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Absolutely, however, generalizations exist for a reason.

 

Laziness, stupidly, an unwillingness to consider nuance - or any combination of the above.

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Laziness, stupidly, an unwillingness to consider nuance - or any combination of the above.

 

Or perhaps, because they are, without further knowledge of the individual situation, true in more cases than not?

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GunslingerRoland

Does anyone truly believe that sex is ever just about sex. I mean even those who claim the ability to be completely unemotional about sex and have it no strings attached will still admit, that the attraction to the partner goes beyond the physical.

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If it is all about novel sex for a MM and he makes a sexual approach to a woman, why would he then start to want the more emotional side of things too?
For those that do, and I would hope women would want such men, in general, not paritcularly related to affairs, they want complete relationships which include emotional intimacy, love and sexual relations. If they are wired for it, they can have completely parallel relationships with their mistress and spouse. History is replete with examples of such.
To want time, attention, even fidelity and reassurance that you will still be around for him?
All part of relationship parameters that each person defines for themselves.
It seems strange to seek sexual encounters but then start to share emotionally vulnerability.
Sounds like most men I know in general. They are first attracted sexually, pursue sexually with any sweet talk simply being lubrication for sex and, if the person is someone they get emotionally attached to, then that comes out later. Of course, the woman they are pursuing or dating has to be willing. If she doesn't like that style, pfft, he's out.
Surely it would make more sense for a MM who wants to experiment to be determined to remain detached?
Some do, some don't. IME, more likely to get attached during an exit affair and look to that partner as their next choice for a full relationship. Sounds cruel but happens every day, for both men and women. Sure, people with clear boundaries separate stuff out and don't overlap. Not everyone believes in or practices that stuff though.

 

It's only rarely, reading your title a different way, that men pursue emotional affairs exclusive of sex, meaning they don't push for sex right away or at all. I've seen this, EA's without PA's, far more with women. The best explanation I've received from MW's directly is that if there's no sex, there's no affair, so perhaps that works for them, whereas if they became attached then have sex, that would cross their affair boundary, apparently not something they want to resolve within themselves. I could see men operating similarly, creating boundaries that allow them to reconcile their desires and what is proper and respectful, even if others consider it anything but. In the final analysis, what are others going to do about it anyway? Socially shun the person? Wag their fingers and tongues? OK, billions more on the planet. People are replaceable. See it every day. Been replaced plenty. People don't care, generally. Great lesson in life.

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I couldn't disagree more with the above. Simply not true from my experience and observation.

 

Seems to me the predominate perspective one holds toward this idea that men are less interested in emotional attachment than women are is indicative of the types of people the person making assumptions associates with and the type of person who is making the statement.

 

My experience in life has taught me that some men and some women alike are generally interested in the emotional aspect of relationships and some men and some women alike are disinterested in emotional attachments within the context of relationships. This would include romantic, sexual and platonic relationships.

 

Seems to me many factors are involved in shaping a person's ability and desire to experience emotional depth in relationships some of which include sociological, familial (early childhood and beyond) relationships, temperament, intelligence (don't misunderstand me to be saying that intelligence dictates emotional capacity, it is far more complex than that but it can have an influence in the matter) and much more. It is a complex issue and gender neutral in my experience.

 

OT is totally correct...

 

I cannot tell you how many woman fall for this. Sorry girls. While I am reformed, this is exactly what I did for a while. It was completely despicable in every way but I am guilty. And let's be real for a second. A married woman that has not been taken care of in bed for a while is an absolute dream in bed. And absolute dream.

 

If I was still that guy still, and i am not, there are no less than 10 women that I could get in the sack inside of two weeks at my office right now.

 

It is so obvious that hubby is not taking care of business it is not even funny. How any husband cannot tell where his wife is, is a complete mystery to me.

 

This is how it works. Not that some guys are truly sensitive and really need an emotional connection. Some do. Most do not.

 

The majority of women that have affairs are played. I know no one wants to believe that, especially the ladies but it is true...

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Does anyone truly believe that sex is ever just about sex. I mean even those who claim the ability to be completely unemotional about sex and have it no strings attached will still admit, that the attraction to the partner goes beyond the physical.

 

Well, here comes some flame.. But, since you asked.

 

For men, sex is usually about sex. Probably 99% of the sex I've ever personally had was about sex (the other 1% about romance/bonding with my wife; yes, even with her, sex is usually sex, our romance/bonding isn't the sexual part of our relationship, it's what happens when we're not having sex).

 

I don't "claim" the ability to have totally unemotional sex, but, I'm pretty sure that I do. Sex with a woman might make me more inclined to see her again, but only to get more sex, not to be her friend or try to get emotionally invested. And I'd argue that most men, when having sex, would fall into this category, it's just not the same for us, it's something we have a tremendous drive for in it's own right, it's not a drive for a relationship, it's not a drive to get emotionally close, it's a drive for sex. I doubt women will understand it, but it's what motivates men to a shocking degree. Remove the desire for sex, and men become pretty uninterested in most things in life (Google: japan herbivore male for a synopsis of what happens when men subvert and "turn off" their sex drive). Most of the things that you see around you, most of the major accomplishments of men, motivated in part or in full by a base desire to have more and better sex. Most men want to be rich not to have a lot of nice things, but to be able to attract women. Men don't buy Rolex watches for themselves, they buy them for women to see so that sex will be easier/faster for them.

 

Yes, this is greatly simplified. And there are millions of exceptions to this. But, end of the day, men are, by and large, looking for sex from women, not companionship, not someone to talk to, not to have an emotional chat and then hug. They want sex. Society has conditioned men to hide this, but, end of the day, if a man is your "friend", there's a very good chance he's in that role hoping that you'll decide to have sex with him someday.

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