Insecurity talk

[benpom]

My ex is probably the most secure person in the world. All the things he told me were about how he is smarter than almost everyone else in the world. He proactively mentioned his ex and this eventually led to the demise of our relationship.

 

He blamed me for being insecure. Yet when the table was turned around, and I told him about my ex, he did not take it well. It became a major reason why he did not want to reconcile.

 

Relationship does not take away a person's insecurity completely, but a relationship definitely should not create any insecurity. The problem behind telling harsh truth is being inconsiderate and/or being entitled and/or being mean. People need to learn to be silent if they cannot be nice. Not every truth needs to be told. No sane person is going to tell a parent her baby is ugly in the name of honesty. If truth is ugly, then say nothing. That's called respect. An essential part of a relationship is respecting the other person's insecurity. And for 99.999% people, being compared to ex unfavorably creates insecurity.

[mikeylo]

My ex is probably the most secure person in the world. All the things he told me were about how he is smarter than almost everyone else in the world. He proactively mentioned his ex and this eventually led to the demise of our relationship.

 

He blamed me for being insecure. Yet when the table was turned around, and I told him about my ex, he did not take it well. It became a major reason why he did not want to reconcile.

 

Relationship does not take away a person's insecurity completely, but a relationship definitely should not create any insecurity. The problem behind telling harsh truth is being inconsiderate and/or being entitled and/or being mean. People need to learn to be silent if they cannot be nice. Not every truth needs to be told. No sane person is going to tell a parent her baby is ugly in the name of honesty. If truth is ugly, then say nothing. That's called respect. An essential part of a relationship is respecting the other person's insecurity. And for 99.999% people, being compared to ex unfavorably creates insecurity.

 

If someone plays this card , then in actuality, it's their own , personal insecurity that is being reflected. It's hard to pick up on this because of the way they act ( trying to make you insecure ). Don't take me in the wrong context but being very self aware and mentally strong will let you see past the insecurity ball that some people throw.

 

People who are secure in themselves NEVER intentionally do anything to make others feel insecure. It's only the weak and insecure who put up this act.

 

EVERYONE has insecurities. The partner's job is to take care of them and not play over them. If they do, it's abuse and it's more of a reflection on their own insecurities. That is why your ex couldn't handle when tables were turned. In actuality, he was insecure.

 

If you really were insecure , you wouldn't have been able to turn the tables aka stand up for yourself

[preraph]

My ex is probably the most secure person in the world. All the things he told me were about how he is smarter than almost everyone else in the world. He proactively mentioned his ex and this eventually led to the demise of our relationship.

 

So your ex is Donald Trump? I'm sorry. It's not easy dealing with a megalomaniac.

 

You have to realize most of what he says is just hyperbole. It's not true that he is secure. He is very insecure if you can't even talk about your ex but he can talk about his. He's just trying to sell you that image of himself. It's not genuine.

[burnt]

Not every truth needs to be told. No sane person is going to tell a parent her baby is ugly in the name of honesty. If truth is ugly, then say nothing. That's called respect.

 

I agree with you, in general. I would not go around telling every truth every waking second to every person I meet during every single day.

 

Perhaps, I fall into the minority group here, but just my personal opinion is that in an intimate relationship, I DO expect to give and receive 100% truth about everything--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

My insecurity doesn't come from criticism--my insecurity comes when my partner doesn't give me 100% truth.

 

I wouldn't mind if my partner told me that his ex was better than me in xyz. It's just a matter of fact that millions of people are better than me in millions of things. So, that wouldn't hurt me. But I would like to receive enough positive feedback from him that would make me feel loved and worthy, and give me enough assurance about why he is with me, not his ex.

[benpom]

But I would like to receive enough positive feedback from him that would make me feel loved and worthy, and give me enough assurance about why he is with me, not his ex.

 

The talk about the ex does not always break a relationship. It's the attitude that breaks the relationship. It's not just about what people do, it's more about who people are.

 

My ex proudly mentioned his ex, who had a boyfriend when they were involved. Of course he conveniently left out the cheating part in our conversations for a long time. I thought at least he knew it's not right so he hid that part of truth, but a year ago he told me that it's because he did not think it is relevant and he did not care. He did not think sleeping with someone who has a boyfriend is wrong.

 

As for the reason he was with me, he said it would make him look good in front of his friends. He said he loved me for years, but I lately realized that he probably never truly loved me or anyone. I don't think he was capable of loving anyone, not even himself.

[benpom]

People who are secure in themselves NEVER intentionally do anything to make others feel insecure. It's only the weak and insecure who put up this act.

 

I am no saint. I clearly recognize many things I did were abusive. I also recognize many abusive things my ex did, way before we even started dating. I don't remember anything abusive I did before I met my ex though. This relationship really brought out the worst part of me. I can't blame him for my behaviors, but staying with him was definitely a bad choice. My insecurity was walked over. My feelings were discarded.

 

He played the victim card well during divorce and he continued the verbal abuse after divorce. He self-claimed him as a hero, and me as a villain for a long time, until I decided to stand up for myself and asked him to stop. And he did, at least on the surface.

 

Cycle of abuse is definitely true here. I was mentally abused by my parents (still am, in a much lessor degree though). He was a victim of bullying. I hope it can stop now. I know I won't fall into the abuse trap anymore. I never abused my ex again after I realized my part, even when he was verbally abusing me. I am glad he finally stopped too after I respectfully asked him to stop.

[act00]

Some people who are insecure tend to talk a big game and let everyone know just how awesome and secure they are, and that they're better and they're smarter. They spend a lot of time trying to convince people of this.

 

The real secure people are ones who don't boast and feel no need to.

 

I have had men want to go into great detail about their exes, their relationships, this and that, and sorry, I don't want to hear it. Great. You had a girlfriend. You had sex. The sex was good. I don't need a play-by-play. Is this supposed to impress me? Am I supposed to sit back in awe? Gaze at him in his wonderfulness and bask in the glow of his old (um, failed) relationship?

 

Then they get mad that you have a past. They are insecure like anyone else, and probably more so and jealous.

 

No, it is not right to spew whatever you're thinking. Words don't go away and really cut deep. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me -- NOPE.

 

Comparing you to an ex is not cool. Praising the glory of their ex repeatedly, which belittles you, is also not cool.

 

Um, they're broken up...why is that? I mean, if she's this golden child and so awesome and he's so awesome, why aren't they still together? Probably because he's a jerk, and she finally figured it out and hit the road running.