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Still can't be friends with ex after 8 years


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Flowerchildfala

My ex contacted me a month ago after 8 years of being separated. He dumped me after we had several fights and we tried to be friends afterwards but it was to hard for me and I told him I couldn't be friends with him as i still had feelings for him and I never heard back.

 

Throughout the years he will wish my happy birthday or Xmas greetings but that is all and I only reply with a thanks. I moved on and am now married to an amazing guy. The last month he contacted me via email and congratulated me on the birth of my daughter (I duno how he found this out as we have no mutual friends anymore). We messaged for a while and it was nice to see him doing well and happy.

 

I made the mistake of telling him that I was really happy to see him doing well in life and happy and that I always wondered about him throughout the years but never wanted to disturb him. He dropped a bomb on me and told me that after our break up he had wanted to get back together but I had disappeared (i had changed my number and changed jobs) and he had sent a message but to old phone asking for a 2nd chance and had alway wanted to tell me but it was inappropriate and too late and apologised for doing it now.

 

I still had the same email and he could have easily looked me up so I don't know if his story is true. He was happy to see my happily married with a child now. I was shocked. We didn't speak after that and it left me so confused. I was so In love with this guy but I had moved on when I never heard back from him. It really made me so emotional and brought back so much feelings for me. I have started to doubt my marriage. I didn't want to do anything to hurt my husband so told my ex that I cannt be in contact with him and I don't want him contacting me anymore.

 

This is really bringing back memories and emotions for me and it's inappropriate. I shouldn't still feel this way about him. We can't be friends. He said it's fine and he doesn't want to mess with my head as he's moved on and was just wanting to be friends only and that he would never contact me again. I felt relived after this but now I feel like I should have been able to deal with this and not get emotional and be his friend.

 

He is someone I really respect and like as a person so I regret cutting him off but I am always going to have a soft spot for him and I don't want his friendship affecting me marriage. I love my husband. Did I do the right thing to cut him off? How are others able to be friends with exes?

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t is disrespectful to your husband and your marriage for you to be friends with an Ex lover that you still have feelings for.

 

Further, you also know that if you met for coffee or a drink that you might end up in a hotel together.

 

You don't want that in your life.

 

Old lovers should be in the past and they should stay there.

 

Also, don't know your age, but this thing people have with "being friends" with Exs. I just don't get it. He dumped you, you were hurt and you kind of want to be friends with him?

 

You did the right thing...

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You did the right thing, And I'm glad you see that there is some fishiness in him saying he was trying to get back together with you. Because obviously he knows how to find you. So my guess that "attempt" was more of a drunken two o'clock a.m. drunk dial that he's now covering for by acting like it was something more than wanting a booty call or a temporary lonliness.

 

It didn't work out with him the first time, so no reason to think it would now. If you're happy in your marriage, you did the right thing. Exes can pull our strings all day long if they want to and be sweet and know exactly what to say or do to make us vulnerable to them, but you have to remember they mostly honed those skills when they were just trying to get in our pants early on and then if they'd been all sweet and nice consistently later on, maybe you'd never have broken up to begin with -- but they weren't and they only bust that move when it benefits them.

 

Don't let him yank your chain. Do something real nice for your husband, something you wish this guy had ever done for you.

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You can't be friends with EXs. When you used to be intimate with someone, you can't really walk it back to a place where you talk & share confidences but don't touch.

 

 

You can be polite & friendly when you accidently bump into one another but deliberate contact is a bad idea. There are lingering feelings. It is disrespectful to your present relationship.

 

 

You certainly don't have to hate an EX but there is no reason to intertwine your lives

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You can be acquaintances sometimes with exes, but not close friends, usually. I have remained more like acquaintances with a couple of mine but the one I who was a close friend at one point who I wish I could have just gone back to that with was too resentful.

 

One I was in love with who betrayed me early on is married now 40 years later, and we have had decades we were not in touch because we also worked together for a decade and some crap went down there too. I can only say that there are feelings on both sides, but in a situation where it was no win, and so it was very painful for me at times working with him, but my career was more important than him to me so I did what I had to do.

 

Now I am over the hump, so to speak, and don't have any depth of feelings left for them, because they have all been spent over the years, finally, but this time last year, he teared up when we were all at a concert together and after he was drunk, so I know he was getting emotional about things, and I pretended I didn't notice whereas at one time he would have been able to pull my strings that way. So I prefer to keep it as a group thing now and get to visit a little and stay in touch and care what happens to each other, but not to get down in the emotional trenches with him.

 

Being friends with an ex is complicated. With him we just had a career path in common that kept crossing paths and have this one big commonality we connect over, so basically when we reconnected it was after we got older and just got to missing our old lives and this brings that back to each of us a little, and it's more about our other passion, not each other, I think.

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Flowerchildfala
Yes you did...

 

Besides, it is disrespectful to your husband and your marriage for you to be friends with an Ex lover that you still have feelings for.

 

Further, you also know that if you met for coffee or a drink that you might end up in a hotel together.

 

You don't want that in your life.

 

Old lovers should be in the past and they should stay there.

 

Also, don't know your age, but this thing people have with "being friends" with Exs. I just don't get it. He dumped you, you were hurt and you kind of want to be friends with him?

 

You did the right thing...

 

Thank you so much!! I just needed confirmation I did the right thing. I feel disappointed at me self that I couldn't put it behind me and just not care enough and only see him as a friend. I'm in my late 30's but a lot of my friends manage to be friends with exes so that's why I guess I thought I should be able too. Thank you so much for your advice.

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Flowerchildfala
t is disrespectful to your husband and your marriage for you to be friends with an Ex lover that you still have feelings for.

 

Further, you also know that if you met for coffee or a drink that you might end up in a hotel together.

 

You don't want that in your life.

 

Old lovers should be in the past and they should stay there.

 

Also, don't know your age, but this thing people have with "being friends" with Exs. I just don't get it. He dumped you, you were hurt and you kind of want to be friends with him?

 

You did the right thing...

 

Thank you so much!! I just needed confirmation I did the right thing. I feel disappointed at me self that I couldn't put it behind me and just not care enough and only see him as a friend. But that's why I have cut off all contact as I don't want to go down a dangerous path or put my self in that situation. I'm in my late 30's but a lot of my friends manage to be friends with exes so that's why I guess I thought I should be able too. Thank you so much for your advice.

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Flowerchildfala
You did the right thing, And I'm glad you see that there is some fishiness in him saying he was trying to get back together with you. Because obviously he knows how to find you. So my guess that "attempt" was more of a drunken two o'clock a.m. drunk dial that he's now covering for by acting like it was something more than wanting a booty call or a temporary lonliness.

 

It didn't work out with him the first time, so no reason to think it would now. If you're happy in your marriage, you did the right thing. Exes can pull our strings all day long if they want to and be sweet and know exactly what to say or do to make us vulnerable to them, but you have to remember they mostly honed those skills when they were just trying to get in our pants early on and then if they'd been all sweet and nice consistently later on, maybe you'd never have broken up to begin with -- but they weren't and they only bust that move when it benefits them.

 

Don't let him yank your chain. Do something real nice for your husband, something you wish this guy had ever done for you.

 

Thank you! I thhope be your completely right, they know exactly what to say and do to make us vulnerable. I feel both disappointed in myself for not being able to not care and thus be able to be his friend. Like I should be able to handle my emotions and not let someone affect me so much 8 years later. But also like I did the right think by telling me to bugger off.

 

This has really made me appreciate my husband and appreciate our relationship. I have been spoiling him everyday.

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somanymistakes

It really depends on the people and the situation. No relationship is exactly alike. Some people can be friends with their exes. It doesn't mean you should or have to, or that there's anything wrong with you for not having exactly the 'right' feelings.

 

... and yes, I'm an ex who is still desperately fighting to get back the guy I dumped a long time ago.

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Flowerchildfala
It really depends on the people and the situation. No relationship is exactly alike. Some people can be friends with their exes. It doesn't mean you should or have to, or that there's anything wrong with you for not having exactly the 'right' feelings.

 

... and yes, I'm an ex who is still desperately fighting to get back the guy I dumped a long time ago.

 

Thank you! I need to stop being so hard on myself! I just hate that after this time my feelings for him are still there and I just wish I could be indifferent and not care anymore.

 

I wish you all the best in getting your guy back. How long ago did you guys break up??

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Simple Logic
My ex contacted me a month ago after 8 years of being separated. He dumped me after we had several fights and we tried to be friends afterwards but it was to hard for me and I told him I couldn't be friends with him as i still had feelings for him and I never heard back.

 

Throughout the years he will wish my happy birthday or Xmas greetings but that is all and I only reply with a thanks. I moved on and am now married to an amazing guy. The last month he contacted me via email and congratulated me on the birth of my daughter (I duno how he found this out as we have no mutual friends anymore). We messaged for a while and it was nice to see him doing well and happy.

 

I made the mistake of telling him that I was really happy to see him doing well in life and happy and that I always wondered about him throughout the years but never wanted to disturb him. He dropped a bomb on me and told me that after our break up he had wanted to get back together but I had disappeared (i had changed my number and changed jobs) and he had sent a message but to old phone asking for a 2nd chance and had alway wanted to tell me but it was inappropriate and too late and apologised for doing it now.

 

I still had the same email and he could have easily looked me up so I don't know if his story is true. He was happy to see my happily married with a child now. I was shocked. We didn't speak after that and it left me so confused. I was so In love with this guy but I had moved on when I never heard back from him. It really made me so emotional and brought back so much feelings for me. I have started to doubt my marriage. I didn't want to do anything to hurt my husband so told my ex that I cannt be in contact with him and I don't want him contacting me anymore.

 

This is really bringing back memories and emotions for me and it's inappropriate. I shouldn't still feel this way about him. We can't be friends. He said it's fine and he doesn't want to mess with my head as he's moved on and was just wanting to be friends only and that he would never contact me again. I felt relived after this but now I feel like I should have been able to deal with this and not get emotional and be his friend.

 

He is someone I really respect and like as a person so I regret cutting him off but I am always going to have a soft spot for him and I don't want his friendship affecting me marriage. I love my husband. Did I do the right thing to cut him off? How are others able to be friends with exes?

 

Really? You know married people who are friends with their ex lovers ans still have a soft spot for them? Divorce must run high in your circles.

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whichwayisup

Focus on your husband not your ex. Your ex can't be a part of your life for obvious reasons. It's over and the best thing is to look forward not backwards.

 

Plus, I'm betting your husband wouldn't like to know that you still have feelings for your ex and considering a friendship with him. Imagine your H missing and wanting a friendship with one of his exe's he still has feelings for. I'm betting you'd feel hurt, jealous and wonder why he'd pursue a friendship with another woman instead of just focusing on you.

 

DO NOT Open that door, tell the ex goodbye, wish him well and close that chapter of your life.

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whichwayisup
Thank you! I need to stop being so hard on myself! I just hate that after this time my feelings for him are still there and I just wish I could be indifferent and not care anymore.

 

I wish you all the best in getting your guy back. How long ago did you guys break up??

 

You start by going total NO CONTACT so it'll be easier to move on and let go. Hearing from him and letting yourself wish/fantasize and remember him just keeps your feelings for him alive. You have to be pro active in fighting the memories and get busy with your husband, friends and family to move on with your life.

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t is disrespectful to your husband and your marriage for you to be friends with an Ex lover that you still have feelings for

 

Old lovers should be in the past and they should stay there.

 

I agree. My ex connected me before and after he got married. I just straight told him not to contact me anymore if he respects his wife. Or else he should reconsider if he's ready for marriage. I even told him if he's not, he shouldn't get married, and let his finance (now wife) find a better man that respects and wants her. (I'm sure her fiancé is a great person, and as a woman, I'm on her side here!)

 

I think you did the right thing. Move on. No need to connect with the past.

Things went wrong for a reason.

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My kids' generation seems to stay friends with exes, growing their social circle as exes pair up with new lovers, in some naive, idyllic way. I'm not like that at all. To me, an ex is an ex for a reason, and I don't look back.

 

Recently my xH has made a reappearance through my daughter (long, complicated story...) We spent a weekend all together (me and H, DD and her partner, DS, and xH) and TBH I felt exactly nothing. It was like meeting an acquaintance of a distance acquaintance that you'd known long ago, but without the interest in what had transpired since you last saw them. (I guess FB fills in those blanks for you.) OTOH, he seems to have an expectation that because we once knew each other, we should instantly reconnect in some way. Nope, not even close. He friend requested me on FB, and I accepted but filed in into some outer circle (even my postlady is in a closer circle) together with people I knew at school or someone whose paper I cited in a paper I published but have never met in person....

 

If there was anything even slightly unresolved between us, I would not entertain a moment's energy on him. I think you did the right thing.

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Jersey born raised

Good instants !! Stay away from ex's is a good rule. Let me ask you this: this recent contact what value has it added to your family?? How has it improved your marriage ???

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello,

 

Situations are different for different people, but the short answer as others have said, is usually "yes". You shouldn't be "friends" (which I put in quotes because this infers close, regular contact) with your former spouse as this could be disrespectful of your current spouse. And in particular, based on your non closure emotionally for your former spouse, I'd recommend not having any further contact. You initially did well in doing this, but then allowed a door to open due to curiosity. It's best to not let your mind wonder (or wander) at all about his life and what is is now. You have chosen to start again and are content in that choice, so closing the door permanently would be wise. This reminds me of the story of Lot's wife in the Bible, who "looked back" and was turned into a pillar of salt. Here's an article about this story in the context of choosing Christ , but here's an extrait of the part that really applies to your situation as well:

Lot's wife perished, not because she went back, but because she looked back -- it was a sign of where her real interests were.
So now that your interests are focused with your husband, I'd recommend leaving them there.
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Flowerchildfala
Good instants !! Stay away from ex's is a good rule. Let me ask you this: this recent contact what value has it added to your family?? How has it improved your marriage ???

 

It's made me reflect on my marriage and try and work on it and try harder to make my husband happy and give my relationship my all but emotionally it has left me such a mess. Please don't judge me. I feel so horrible that I am having these feelings for my ex whilst being married. I thought I didn't care and I was over it all. I am reading about delayed grieving and feel like maybe this is what I'm going through. I have shut all doors to him and know that I will never ever hear from him again and I hope this will allow me to finally stop going through this. But I am so confused about how I feel about him as a person, about what this says about me as a person, about our relationship and how I viewed it, about me as partner. Initally when he apologised and told me he had wanted to give us a 2nd chance I felt good as a person but I have finally come to a relisation that he nevered wanted me back and probably just told me that he had wanted a second chance as he felt guilty about hurting me. I think this whole time I have idealised him. I'm trying to focus on his bad points and on the bad aspects of the relationship. I know I dodged a billet with him. I moved on but what I'm struggling with now is why I'm feeling so emotional when it has been years and I was fine and happy before he contacted me. I was in a very good place and now I'm struggling to make sense of how just by being in contact with him I'm such an emotional mess after all these years. I feel like I should be able to keep my feelings together and not be like this. I have been going through feeling regret of cutting him out, I like him as a person but talking to him just messes with my head and heart, feeling relief at doing the right thing by cutting him out as I don't want to go down the path of an emotional one sided affair, I don't know what his intentions are, he's hurting me once and he will likely do it agin. Initially I was also feeling sadness that I will never hear from him again but now I'm at peace with that and hope that this is the last contact. I also have been feeling that he doesn't deserve my kindness, I should never have responded to him and should have shut the door in his face. Thanks for letting my rant. I really needed to get that off my chest .

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Flowerchildfala

Sorry to keep ranting, I just wanted to come on here and write down what I'm feeling and thinking and have a place that I can refer too. This has been like opening pandoras box as I never thought this flood of emotions would came out. I can say that I'm now 100% sure I made the right decision to tell him to stop contacting me and to not contact me again. And for finally closing every avenue that makes contact possible. I hate being mean to people but I did it in a nice way and did what I had to do for my own wellbeing so I know I did the right thing. Everything happens for a reason and after over analysing this I feel like I am soo glad I never got that message from him for a 2nd chance to our relationship as I would never have meet my now husband. I'm glad that things ended, and this last contact has just made me realise that during our relationship and afterwards I always cared about him more then he did I and that people don't change. I finally see that now and it has helped me put things in perspective. We both wanted different things and if I had stayed in that relationship I won't have been happy. I should actually be thankful to him that he broke up with me at the time as he let me go to find happiness somewhere else. I am at peace with it (after reading a lot of online articles and analysing everything in my head a million times and trying to make sense of it all) but that doesn't mean that it erases the feelings and that's ok, that will come eventually and yes I like my ex as person, he's not a bad person and he is human so has flaws, he's not perfect like I imagine him to be but we will never truely be friends. Acquaintances maybe but never friends. Im glad for the relationship because it did make me a better person and it has helped me make better choices in my future relationships. I have been confused with my emotions and I will have times that are good and times that are bad and I'm going to stop being hard on my self as I think that is not helping me deal with my emotions. I guess break ups are like the death of the relationship, and like death you will always have a place in your heart for that person (he was my first love so this will likely always be true) and you may never forget them but you accept the situation.

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