Jj66 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 My gf was extremely helpful with working on one of my investment properties for two weekends in a row. We worked tremendously well as a team and I was struck by it. My ex wife and I were NEVER able to work well together. After we were done yesterday she insisted on treating me to dinner over my objection. I felt I owed her. In the conversation I said you can't even begin to know how much I appreciate all your help. I may have to marry you someday. I wasn't that serious about the marriage part - at least not anytime soon- and I had a laughing but jovial voice when I said it. She said, maybe someday. But I have to make more money than you before we can get married. (It's not a ridiculous prospect but will take her quite some time unless I lose my job- which I don't think she meant!) This is a new one for me. Lol. I mentioned it later that night in a joking way. She laughed and said she must have been drunk. She hadn't had any alcohol at all... Could this possibly be a real concern? Anyone else had someone who said they didn't want to get married until they make more money than you? I imagine this would be a more common sentiment for a man to have. Link to post Share on other sites
Telemachus Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 It's possibly a factor for her, but unless she's your tax accountant, banker, or boss, she should have no way of knowing your income. Don't take it seriously. She probably means that she wants to have her own substantial income and wouldn't want to rely on a man for support, even a husband. That's a totally normal and common sentiment. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Is she maybe used to a slightly more monied lifestyle, perhaps from upbringing? Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) My gf was extremely helpful with working on one of my investment properties for two weekends in a row. We worked tremendously well as a team and I was struck by it. My ex wife and I were NEVER able to work well together. After we were done yesterday she insisted on treating me to dinner over my objection. I felt I owed her. In the conversation I said you can't even begin to know how much I appreciate all your help. I may have to marry you someday. I wasn't that serious about the marriage part - at least not anytime soon- and I had a laughing but jovial voice when I said it. She said, maybe someday. But I have to make more money than you before we can get married. (It's not a ridiculous prospect but will take her quite some time unless I lose my job- which I don't think she meant!) This is a new one for me. Lol. I mentioned it later that night in a joking way. She laughed and said she must have been drunk. She hadn't had any alcohol at all... Could this possibly be a real concern? Anyone else had someone who said they didn't want to get married until they make more money than you? I imagine this would be a more common sentiment for a man to have. Prepare your self... i see more jabs and comments in the future Edited March 27, 2017 by Sweetfish Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jj66 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) I'm not quick to share my financial information with someone - it takes a lot of trust and certainty in the other's motivation. I can count on 3 fingers the number of women I have shared my salary with. She is one of them. I have an ex fiancee who never knew my salary. We've been together a year now and it's tax season. Over time, as trust has developed, we have shared more and more about our finances. While we don't know every detail such as bank, investment, and retirement account balances, we do know each other's credit ratings, approximate debt levels, real estate holdings, salary, and adjusted gross income for tax purposes. She has a six figure salary with little debt and significant net investment income on top of her salary so her not wanting to depend on me should not be an issue at all. She used to make more than I do but took a significant pay cut when she got her Ph.D. to go into academia. She was always the primary bread winner in her previous marriage by far. (As was I.) Edit: I didn't take anything she said as a jab. She laughed when she said she must have been drunk when she said it. It seemed like she just wasn't wanting to own the maybe getting married comment in its seriousness. Edited March 27, 2017 by Jj66 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 No idea buddy but maybe it was just a sorta joke reply ,come fun type challenge herself thing, just as a joke l mean. You've got investment properties so l doubt it was any real concern about money. l reckon she was just kidden round. Funny , l just finished tapping out a little bit of a similar post in another thread, can't bloody remember which one sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Does she not approve of your spending, lifestyle or debt ratio? Potential she feels that she will need to make more than you to be able to continue living in the manner she wants or have the risk ratio she is comfortable with. Maybe it's a power thing and feels more comfortable as the primary breadwinner. Maybe she wants to be a sugar momma. The reasons are really her own so you would have to get the answer from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 If she has never said anything in a similar vein before, I'd just take it as plain ol' playful banter and leave it at that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Maybe she thinks that you are extravagant and it could possibly be a back handed comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jj66 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 I don't take this in a bad way at all. I think mostly it's just her being competitive. She doesn't like making less than her partner. She has never experienced it before. Her ex husband was financially useless and generally unreliable. She always made tons more than he did even when he coukd keep a job. She divorced him after she caught him embezzling from the company he worked for and funneling the money to a mistress. She literally left him with just a vehicle in the settlement. He was too afraid to contest it for fear of going to jail. I wish my divorce had been so cheap and so favorable. My net worth was 10 times my income before the divorce but now it's only 3 times my income. I was fonancially devastated. I make 50% more than her based on salary and bonus but her net investment income is substantially higher than mine so her adjusted gross income is only 10% less than mine. She had told me once after she found this out that her financial goal was to make more than me (AGI). I told her that I hope she does, as long as it doesn't happen by my income decreasing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I don't take this in a bad way at all. I think mostly it's just her being competitive. She doesn't like making less than her partner. She has never experienced it before. Her ex husband was financially useless and generally unreliable. She always made tons more than he did even when he coukd keep a job. She divorced him after she caught him embezzling from the company he worked for and funneling the money to a mistress. She literally left him with just a vehicle in the settlement. He was too afraid to contest it for fear of going to jail. I wish my divorce had been so cheap and so favorable. My net worth was 10 times my income before the divorce but now it's only 3 times my income. I was fonancially devastated. I make 50% more than her based on salary and bonus but her net investment income is substantially higher than mine so her adjusted gross income is only 10% less than mine. She had told me once after she found this out that her financial goal was to make more than me (AGI). I told her that I hope she does, as long as it doesn't happen by my income decreasing. Well if you get married wouldn't all this become transparent or will you keep it secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jj66 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 Well if you get married wouldn't all this become transparent or will you keep it secret? We are past the point of keeping secrets but haven't had any need to talk every last detail. We are completely independent financially and as long as that's true there will always be some things that we don't know about- not because there are secrets but because we just don't have a need to discuss it. If we get married or move in together obviously our finances will become more intertwined but I would be very surprised if we ever adopted anything other than a yours, mine, and ours model. We aren't just starting out. We are both fairly well-off and have kids whose financial interests we want to protect. Definitely would be a pre-nuptial agreement and most of our stuff would remain separate property. To those who are wondering whether she was concerned about my spending, debt, etc. when she made the comment. It's definitely not the case. She's expressed that SHE has expensive tastes and that she needs to make at least s six figure salary to support her lifestyle. She does currently make six figures from just salary and has significant investment income on top of that that. Her AGI is only 10% less than mine. I think her comment shows she's just being competitive and also setting a goal. She may also want to feel that she is is at least an equal contributor to our partnership if we get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 We have a few money clashes. Not that l'm saying yours was a money clash, just sayin. My gf is very tight with the coin and cringes at my ways and spending. lf we get married l'm afraid l'll maybe take the chickens way out in some things money , keep my mouth shut and do my spending quietly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 I think competition is a good thing and so if you think that is what it is geared to, combining wealth to it, would be a positive as she will keep wanting to raise the bar. I am competitive as well and while I make an excellent income, my goal is to double my current comp. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 I don't know, maybe it's just me, but this seems like a strange relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 I generally tend to act a little like her - semi-jokingly, semi-real... The same way how I won't be comfortable marrying someone earning way less then me, I won't be comfortable being with someone significantly richer. +/-20% is probably my range of comfort. Having said that: all my exes sooner or later started speculating with my attitude and made me pay for them on most of our dates (I even had one that turn into a full-blown mooch completely dependent on my income). So money conversations from here on I'm leaving for after engagement.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jj66 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 I don't know, maybe it's just me, but this seems like a strange relationship. I'm pretty strange. It would stand to reason that my relationships would be strange. But this one is exceedingly strange even for me. Different from anything I've ever experienced before. Maybe it's what I get for having a blonde girlfriend (first time ever). I've dated some, but not many, blondes before and have never made it past the 2-3 month mark with any of them until now. We have had two fights to speak of but there has been a fair amount of "what the hell was that about?" at least from my end. Last night when we were talking she compared me to a stray cat that she feeds and waters. She said that when she gets her new job and has to move she wants to buy "our place" (her words).with only her money and just treat me like her stray cat. Her reasoning is that because I'd only be there two weeks out of four because of custody limitations that I would be coming and going a lot like her stray cat at her current place. I told her that I'm not going to be her stray cat by any means and that we need to talk some more about this during our time together this weekend. She agreed that we needed to do that. So yes, it's very weird. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jj66 Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 I generally tend to act a little like her - semi-jokingly, semi-real... The same way how I won't be comfortable marrying someone earning way less then me, I won't be comfortable being with someone significantly richer. +/-20% is probably my range of comfort. Having said that: all my exes sooner or later started speculating with my attitude and made me pay for them on most of our dates (I even had one that turn into a full-blown mooch completely dependent on my income). So money conversations from here on I'm leaving for after engagement.. Mine will hardly let me pay for anything. I might joke about being a kept man sometimes but I wouldn't be able to stomach it in reality. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Mine will hardly let me pay for anything. I might joke about being a kept man sometimes but I wouldn't be able to stomach it in reality. Just make sure that you're not misinterpreting her generosity. E.g. on a date I'd always take out my credit card, and if the guy doesn't say anything, I'll pay for both (because I find it petty to split small bills). However, if he never steps up and says that it is his turn this time, it starts getting annoying... Last time I kept paying until I got fed up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jj66 Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 (edited) Just make sure that you're not misinterpreting her generosity. E.g. on a date I'd always take out my credit card, and if the guy doesn't say anything, I'll pay for both (because I find it petty to split small bills). However, if he never steps up and says that it is his turn this time, it starts getting annoying... Last time I kept paying until I got fed up She does let me pay sometimes if I am insistent enough. I paid for all our train tickets in Italy for example. I had to argue though. It's always a fight. She insisted on paying for the hotels. I was able pay for the trains by pointing out that she had paid for the hotel and was the least I could do and then hogging the kiosk to buy her ticket. I paid for most meals by handling it directly with the waiters and not giving her a chance. It helped that the waiters always assumed that I would be getting the check. So, when I went to visit her in Europe I paid for my own internarional flights (she was already there when I flew over) and the trains and dinners. She paid for the hotels and a round trip flight between Paris and Rome. I'm guessing it probably came out about even, but I had to work hard to pay my share. I almost found it insulting that she didn't want me to contribute. Edited March 31, 2017 by Jj66 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Sounds about even. Actually she was probably insistent to pay more because you were the one flying internationally to see her, makes sense then. She does let me pay sometimes if I am insistent enough. I paid for all our train tickets in Italy for example. I had to argue though. It's always a fight. She insisted on paying for the hotels. I was able pay for the trains by pointing out that she had paid for the hotel and was the least I could do and then hogging the kiosk to buy her ticket. I paid for most meals by handling it directly with the waiters and not giving her a chance. It helped that the waiters always assumed that I would be getting the check. So, when I went to visit her in Europe I paid for my own internarional flights (she was already there when I flew over) and the trains and dinners. She paid for the hotels and a round trip flight between Paris and Rome. I'm guessing it probably came out about even, but I had to work hard to pay my share. I almost found it insulting that she didn't want me to contribute. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 (edited) That's weird, any idea why she wants to pay for stuff ? Is she European ? Funny how she wants to pay for the house too. One reason l could think of is she doesn't want to be beholding to anyone just encase it doesn't work out. My Italian is a whole nother person when it comes to money, flick a switch. My ex and l were the exact opposite ad with the life we lead, lota of traveling and moving and new starts,we never took anything money that seriously and we were often broke during all those years . My Italian , holy hell , her sense of humor cracks me up 24/7 but one thing she don't joke about is money. l'm starting to think hmmm, l don't think l'l talk about money anymore and def' no more money jokes. You got your first blonde l've got my first black hair. Funny you think about that too because so do l and admittedly she is a whole different animal to my blondish w or gf's before l married. ps , loveeeee her black hair though , think l'm converted. Edited March 31, 2017 by Chilli 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Mine will hardly let me pay for anything. I might joke about being a kept man sometimes but I wouldn't be able to stomach it in reality. Hmmm... This is very interesting to me.... don't know how long i'll be on the forum to see how this dynamic pans out... but things just seem strange in this relationship and concur with the another poster. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 What is wrong with being a "kept man" or having a "sugar momma"? What is the issue if the woman is the main earner and the man isn't? Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 What is wrong with being a "kept man" or having a "sugar momma"? What is the issue if the woman is the main earner and the man isn't? Funny, while l was single l met this cutie that owned 4 house and just going onto her 5th. l thought hmm , l can dig that, why not. Shame it never went anywhere with her. Terrible cook though Link to post Share on other sites
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