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I want to send me ex a goodbye letter


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So my gf and I dated for around 2.5 years. Fell mdly in love, planned our lives together etc. things kinda came crashing down when we started fighting a lot, but it was really just due to a lot of changes that were just overwhelming.

 

Anyway about a month ago she dumped me, said the relationship wasn't keeping her calm and happy in the same way, but told me how much she loved me(for whatever that's worth). In all honesty I begged and pleaded for a solid two hours, we both cried hysterically but of course it didn't do anything to change her mind.

 

Since that day we have gone completely NC for a month as of today. she dropped a bag off at my Apartment with my "stuff" a couple weeks ago which was really just a bunch of socks. The note read "I really hope you're doing ok, please be happy. Miss you."

 

Anyway, the fact that her last impression of me was the insecure begging and pleading bf has been eating at me constantly, although I want nothing more to be with her (I really think she's the love of my life) I know that isn't happening at least right now. I wrote a letter to her that I haven't sent yet basically just kind of dissecting what happened and told her that i understood and have learned that it could be for the best and I want her to be happy and fun and take care of herself. I also told her what I've been up to in some very basic ways. In order to avoid further hurt I asked her not to respond unless it was something that was literally tearing her apart. No thank yous or I'm so grateful crap. I also told her to send it to an email address that only my friend knows the password to and he promised he wouldn't let me read anything until he was sure I could handle whatever that response (or not) may contain.

 

Is this a bad idea? Though part of me totally wants this to bring her back, I think I would feel better with having this as a last impression.

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In order to avoid further hurt I asked her not to respond unless it was something that was literally tearing her apart. No thank yous or I'm so grateful crap. I also told her to send it to an email address that only my friend knows the password to and he promised he wouldn't let me read anything until he was sure I could handle whatever that response (or not) may contain.

 

My first thought here is how much more pain this will bring you. Imagine how much you'll be hoping she responds because something is "tearing her apart". Imagine how every time you speak with your friend, you'll be hoping he gives you the news that there's an email. And on top of this, you're allowing your friend to decide what you can or can't handle during a time when you need to be regaining your control.

 

It's great therapy to write a letter, but I would suggest you file that thing away. Besides, it's been a month. Do you really want her knowing you're still living a month in the past by dissecting the breakup? What you've been doing and how you've been feeling the past month is none of her business anymore. When she dumped you, she revoked those privileges.

 

What you haven't realized is staying NC actually IS your last impression. :D

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Do not send the letter. What good could possibly come from it? Everyone (we get these threads all the time on here) thinks they are getting closure sending such a letter--and that their letter is different and better. In reality though, all they are doing is hurting themselves one more time.

 

The letter you are proposing is really one more form of begging, actually.

 

Let her real last impression of you instead be of you moving on w your life. Going NC and doing what you can to be moving forward is an impression too you know, and a good one.

Edited by Imajerk17
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What both of you said resonates with me a lot. I'm definitely reconsidering. One detail I didn't add:when we broke up we decided we were gonna stay friends on fb (dumb) and that I'd let her know via text if I was gonna block her. Well she posted a picture of her going out with a friend and I realized I couldn't take whatever would follow that so I blocked her without notice. I feel like I owe her an apology st the least. I think she's probably pissed and I don't want to force her into some other guys lap for a night to get revenge.

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I'm in the camp of writing the letter to her and reading it to some supportive friends but not actually sending it. It's a way you can get things off your chest without engaging her in further drama.

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TheTraveler
I blocked her without notice. I feel like I owe her an apology st the least. I think she's probably pissed and I don't want to force her into some other guys lap for a night to get revenge.

 

You don't owe her a damn thing. She dumped you. She tossed you and your socks to the curb ready for trash pickup on Thursday.

Edited by TheTraveler
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I'm not trying to defend her but she was very gracious about it. That's gotta count for something. Please tell me if I'm being delusional. I just know that I'm lost and have no clue what to do.

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I'm in the camp of writing the letter to her and reading it to some supportive friends but not actually sending it. It's a way you can get things off your chest without engaging her in further drama.

 

I agree. write the letter, write everything that you're feeling, good or bad. and don't send it. Burn it with fire. It's a very releasing, therapeutic thing to do.

 

or go here and write an anonymous or semi-anonymous letter:

the unsendable letter.

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I think now is a good time to start aiming for reaching a place where everything you do isn't directed at getting some reaction from her. You have to stop caring what she thinks or if she sees this or that or cares or what she thinks.

 

You had a big breakup, you both cried and neither of you were monsters about it because you have some respect for each other. But that certainly doesn't mean you can be friends because you are still too invested. Fact is regardless of some genuine feelings and affection, she still knows she no longer wants to be with you. That isn't going to change. It takes a lot to break up with someone. No one would do it and go through all that crying and trauma if they weren't sure.

 

She knows you, so she knows more than just your last few minutes together and she sees the big picture, so you don't have to worry about leaving a bad impression. But don't make her go through dumping you again and don't humiliate yourself by writing a letter in hopes of triggering some reaction from her.

 

Time to block her and not look at her social media either and remove her from your phone and email and get rid of as many reminders as possible. You'll always have your better memories and some day they will be pleasant to look back on as long as you don't compound bad memories by stringing this out.

 

As soon as you've had time to settle down a bit, make a point of seeking friends and going and doing fun things and not talking about "it" and making new fun memories. Also go do some fun things just by yourself. It can be very peaceful to, say, go to the zoo or rent a boat for a day and just be there in a new environment absorbed by that instead of living in your own head. So stay busy. Blow off the tension by physical exercise. Good luck.

 

You will find someone else.

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salparadise

I agree with writing the letter if you believe it will be therapeutic and help you tie up the loose ends that exist in your mind and emotions... but do it for you, and do not send it. Dumpers are in a fundamentally different place that dumpees.

 

I am a recent dumpee as well and I fantasize all the time about sending a letter. My purpose would to deal the coup de grace –– to prove that I have figured out her dysfunctional shyte. But the reality is, she doesn't care. She feels perfectly justified and superior. She got the last word already––she's not going to give me the satisfaction of reading my letter or reacting in any way.

 

Posting it here on LS is probably a better idea, but not sure it would be the same letter. Do it for you if it will help you move on, but sending it, no.

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I'm in the camp of writing the letter to her and reading it to some supportive friends but not actually sending it. It's a way you can get things off your chest without engaging her in further drama.

 

I completely agree: Do NOT send her this letter.

 

For several reasons it is the wrong thing to do but primarily you are ultimately demeaning yourself and giving her whatever little bit of power and self respect you have left. She will only laugh at you. Move on my friend.

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Take it from someone who wrote a letter, and regretted it immediately afterwards, do NOT send it.

 

You'll just bring up wounds that the NC is steadily healing, and you'll end up looking weak and needy. Stay strong!

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I appreciate all your help. My mind is telling me that I almost certainly won't send the letter. I just feel like I know her and I feel like her reading some of the things I have said will make her miss me. I feel like if she sees the improvements that I am making in my own life without her she might want to try and reconcile. I have no clue whether or not she is still in love with me. She was the day we broke up, I think, and while I know it wasn't enough for her to stay in the relationship part of me thinks I can rekindle that spark in her. It tears me up thinking of her with somebody else, kissing someone else, sleeping with someone else when I can hardly think of doing that with another woman. I know that the moment it happens in her life that I could never be secure enough with her to move forward again. I don't know, Im sorry I'm rambling, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. There was so much comfort in our relationship, it was so validating and loving. We fought like crazy but it was all driven by my temper problems and my insecurities. I am confident that whether or not my next relationship includes her or someone else that I would never be able to let those same issues interfere the way they did this time. I just wish she could see this.

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Also is it still demeaning even if the message of the letter is that I think the breakup had to happen and that I want her to be happy? Obviously there was some sentimental stuff too (limited) but the underlying tone of the letter is really about moving on without her, and her moving on without me. Maybe its hard for me to see this correctly because I've never been the dumper and I do not know where she is at right now.

 

Is she happier without me?

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I appreciate all your help. My mind is telling me that I almost certainly won't send the letter. I just feel like I know her and I feel like her reading some of the things I have said will make her miss me. I feel like if she sees the improvements that I am making in my own life without her she might want to try and reconcile. I have no clue whether or not she is still in love with me. She was the day we broke up, I think, and while I know it wasn't enough for her to stay in the relationship part of me thinks I can rekindle that spark in her. It tears me up thinking of her with somebody else, kissing someone else, sleeping with someone else when I can hardly think of doing that with another woman. I know that the moment it happens in her life that I could never be secure enough with her to move forward again. I don't know, Im sorry I'm rambling, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. There was so much comfort in our relationship, it was so validating and loving. We fought like crazy but it was all driven by my temper problems and my insecurities. I am confident that whether or not my next relationship includes her or someone else that I would never be able to let those same issues interfere the way they did this time. I just wish she could see this.

 

Also is it still demeaning even if the message of the letter is that I think the breakup had to happen and that I want her to be happy? Obviously there was some sentimental stuff too (limited) but the underlying tone of the letter is really about moving on without her, and her moving on without me. Maybe its hard for me to see this correctly because I've never been the dumper and I do not know where she is at right now.

 

Is she happier without me?

 

She's no longer in love with you and she is happier without you.

 

How do I know this? Because she dumped you. She would not have if she was in love or it would make her unhappy. In her mind she's thinking "This was for the best".

 

Now that's not to say she won't change her feelings about you down the line. She may, she may not.

 

But, if you have any shred of hope of ever hearing from her again you have to completely disappear. Send The letter is a good idea if you want to eliminate any chance of her reaching out again.

 

It's hard to understand in your state of mind but trust me on this.

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Also is it still demeaning even if the message of the letter is that I think the breakup had to happen and that I want her to be happy? Obviously there was some sentimental stuff too (limited) but the underlying tone of the letter is really about moving on without her, and her moving on without me. Maybe its hard for me to see this correctly because I've never been the dumper and I do not know where she is at right now.

 

Is she happier without me?

 

Is she happier without you? Yes. She's in a state of relief at the moment because this was something she wanted. Like SevenCity said, she wouldn't have dumped you if she didn't want to. I feel like the "underlying tone" of the letter being about you moving on without her is yet another plea. You're hoping she will read that and say, "Shyt! I don't want him to move on!"

 

Unfortunately your only choice right now is to just back away, let it be and start focusing on healing.

 

I've come to realize that at this point in my own healing (4 months post), I wouldn't want to start back up again anyway because there's too much pain between us. You can't just erase the things you said to each other. We would never be able to just jump back in. The relationship needs to completely die first.

 

You're best to let time elapse, work on yourself, heal, and IF she returns, both of you will be in a better place to reassess. Don't prolong this by sending this letter. The response or lack thereof will hurt you more in the long run.

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im not gonna send the letter. It just sucks knowing she's probably gonna date for a while and I know once that happens I won't even be able to reconcile down the road. There would just be too much insecurity and baggage for a healthy relationship with her again. We were each others first and thought we'd be each others only.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Her dating would be best for you, because it would signify to you once and for all what you are understandably unable to accept right now: This relationship is finished.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Take it from someone who wrote a letter, and regretted it immediately afterwards, do NOT send it.

 

You'll just bring up wounds that the NC is steadily healing, and you'll end up looking weak and needy. Stay strong!

 

I'm another that wrote the letter, and I agree with this advice. Two days after writing it I saw her on Tinder. Broke my heart even more. She was moving on with her life while I was still dwelling and pining, aka not healing.

 

I'll never write a letter again.

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