Mandy91 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Hi I’m 26 years old. I would consider myself as having a good head on my shoulders. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. I feel a strong connection to him, more than I have felt with anyone before. Something happened a few weeks ago that has me questioning my own morals and my relationship. I’d like some opinions on what is going on in my head. I’ll keep this is short as possible so as to not bore people. If people are anything like me reading long posts is a turn off. - went to visit boyfriend - his parents said he had gone for a run at the park - went down to meet him - saw him on a park bench kissing another girl Instead on feeling anger and going up and slapping him I was actually turned on. I don’t understand this. Cheaters repulse me, but here I had my boyfriend cheating and I felt no anger. - went back to his place to wait for him - he came home and I realized the person I saw wasn’t even him - different clothes and he actually had been to the gym with a friend - it definitely wasn’t him at the park So now I know he’s not a cheater but I can’t get the thoughts out of my head about him being with another girl. Every time I kiss him now I think of him kissing someone else. But it’s not anger I feel but rather excitement. I don’t know why I feel this. Why am I harboring some secret desire for him to cheat? What are these feelings all about? Does anyone have any incite? Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Are you guys having sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. I feel a strong connection to him No you don’t! he came home and I realized the person I saw wasn’t even him many will disagree but the bottom line is you are not a couple. If I was into someone I would recognize them across a crowded room and I have crappy eyesight. Not recognize him? I can’t get the thoughts out of my head about him being with another girl. I was actually turned on. I don’t understand this. You have some deeper issues going on. Someone from you past maybe... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mandy91 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 You have some deeper issues going on. Someone from you past maybe... I have not felt anything like this before. I detest cheaters. I have split with a boyfriend for cheating. I have ended a friendship with a friend because she stayed with her cheating partner. Now I'm getting some sort of thrill from it??? I know it's not real. he hasn't actually done anything but it still has my head in a spin. As for not recognizing him, it was across a park, this other person was wearing a fluro top and blue pants as my boyfriend wears. I'm sure of I got closer I would have realized. These feelings are honestly out of the blue. I have not had these feelings before, nor do I wish to "try out" what I found exciting. This will remain in my head, I will not tell him. I was just trying to figure out how the stupid fantasy, if that's what it is, got in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 No you don’t! many will disagree but the bottom line is you are not a couple. If I was into someone I would recognize them across a crowded room and I have crappy eyesight. Not recognize him? You have some deeper issues going on. Someone from you past maybe... This is a little drastic. I saw a woman I swore was my ex yesterday. I was walking toward her to say hi and got within five feet before I realized it wasn't her. Awkward. Some people look a lot alike. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that you don't have a connection with him or whatever. Is this maybe a sexual thing? Have you had fantasies about being in a threesome or sharing your boyfriend with another woman? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mandy91 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Is this maybe a sexual thing? Have you had fantasies about being in a threesome or sharing your boyfriend with another woman? I have had fantasies about other women, but never done anything. I have had fantasies about threesomes, but have not and would not do anything. If I was having a fantasy about a threesome with my boyfriend I could absolutely handle that, heck it's just a fantasy. But in this situation he was cheating, behind my back, and when I caught him I was excited rather than angry. I don't even understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I certainly would not be ok with it if it was real. But I can't even be sure of that because when I did think it was real I was still not angry. It's very disconcerting. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 You know... You certainly don't have to act on any of your fantasies if you don't want to. But, at your age, now is the perfect time if you want to. You are attracted to women, bi-curious at least. At some point you may want to give some of this a go. Better to find out where you actually lay in the sexual spectrum then wait until you are married with children and do something stupid in that situation. Just a thought... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I have not felt anything like this before. I detest cheaters. I have split with a boyfriend for cheating. I have ended a friendship with a friend because she stayed with her cheating partner. Now I'm getting some sort of thrill from it??? I know it's not real. he hasn't actually done anything but it still has my head in a spin. As for not recognizing him, it was across a park, this other person was wearing a fluro top and blue pants as my boyfriend wears. I'm sure of I got closer I would have realized. These feelings are honestly out of the blue. I have not had these feelings before, nor do I wish to "try out" what I found exciting. This will remain in my head, I will not tell him. I was just trying to figure out how the stupid fantasy, if that's what it is, got in my head. Perhaps, you are simply having some doubts about the relationship and on some level, hoping you will find a reason to move on from him. Maybe, looking for him to do something to sabotage the relationship. The excitement you felt/feel might actually be "relief"? Or, if he isn't fully meeting your sexual needs, you are living vicariously through "another woman". Just possible theories for you to weigh. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Till you have sorted this out , don't get pregnant or get married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lionlover1973 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I once read somewhere that these types of 'fantasies/fetishes' are semi-normal. Some people, get turned on by the thought of their significant other with someone else sexually. Some people even take the 'fantasy' into the real world (i.e., swingers, threesomes, etc.). This article may be helpful. If you're a fan of Freud, he said: The foundations of fetishes are indeed laid by childhood experiences and stimuli, though not necessarily trauma. Some also say there is evidence that include biological origins, explained here. Maybe there's something there, which resonates with you, or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I'm going to go the other direction on this OP - maybe you just discovered you have a kink? What's so bad about that? Look up the term cuckold. It is more prevalent in men but doesn't mean women can't have the same kink. Now, let's explore your frame of refeence. I want you to think about the past lover(s) that cheated on you and your reaction was negative. How much did you love/like them? How much did you trust them? How much did they like/love you? What was the power dynamic? Were you more in power or less relative to them? Now compare those same things with your current BF. Are there any notable differences? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mandy91 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 I'm going to go the other direction on this OP - maybe you just discovered you have a kink? What's so bad about that? Look up the term cuckold. It is more prevalent in men but doesn't mean women can't have the same kink. I'm not adverse to having a kink, if that's what it is. I just wish I could be in more control of it. I would like to say that the thought of being a cuckold is disgusting, and up until recently that is how I felt, however now the thought of him being with someone else holds more of an attraction than a feeling of disgust. Not that I will ever be acting upon it. Now, let's explore your frame of refeence. I want you to think about the past lover(s) that cheated on you and your reaction was negative. How much did you love/like them? How much did you trust them? How much did they like/love you? What was the power dynamic? Were you more in power or less relative to them? Now compare those same things with your current BF. Are there any notable differences? The people I have dated previously have been quite dominant. My current boyfriend treats me as his equal. I have never been happier. He is probably the first boyfriend I can say I ever fully trusted. That's not to say I didn't trust the others but this is a whole new level of trust. At the end of the day this "fantasy" is not going to define me but it sure is an uneasy feeling to have. As much as I trust my boyfriend implicitly I could never share this with him. How could you tell someone that if you ever cheated on my not only would I not be angry but I would be aroused? I don't know where the feelings came from and I am just hoping they fade away fast. Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 The explanation is that it turns you on subconsciously to know that your boyfriend is attractive to other women but he chose you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mandy91 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Share Posted March 12, 2017 Hi I've been with my boyfriend for close to a year. I have been having intense fantasies that I would love to ignore but they have not subsided. I think the only way forward is to act out the fantasy. I understand the risks, I get that the reality may be very different to the idea I have in my head. The problem is that this fantasy is overwhelming me. Acting it out seems to be the next logical step despite what could possibly be some quite harsh unintended consequences. So how does one go introducing a fantasy into a relationship? I don't want to scare him off and send him running for the hills. How can I discuss it with him and find out if he really would be into it before I decide to proceed? I'm confident he will say yes, what I'm worried about is that he is not saying yes for the right reasons. Has anyone had any experience with this sort of thing? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 12, 2017 Share Posted March 12, 2017 You're being too vague for us to answer with enough context. It's an anonymous forum. Open up. I'm guessing you have desires to be submissive, to be tied up and such, but I'm only guessing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mandy91 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 OK, so I guess my new thread has been merged with my old one. So everyone now knows what that fantasy is. I guess the question still stands. How do I introduce this idea to my boyfriend without him freaking out? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 (edited) OP, I wouldn't worry too much about this - it's not uncommon to have such reactions and fantasies, but typically you hear these far more often from men. The male version is either the hotwife fantasy, or the cuckold fantasy. The latter for women is the cucquean fantasy. Threesomes are a common fantasy for both men and women - either purely fantasy play in the bedroom, or sometimes made real. Now, there is the honest, consensual version of these, and the cheater version. I wouldn't want any part of the cheater versions, either - and my fantasy and reality lean only towards the threesome idea. So, you've noticed something about your sexual turn-ons that you didn't know before. You can choose where to go with this: fantasy, real, or nowhere. If you want to introduce this to your boyfriend, the first step is fantasy play in the bedroom - start with something mild and build on it. If he enjoys the fantasy, maybe he'll ask if you'd like to make it real - or, you can suggest it at some point. If he's turned off by the idea, you'll know not to pursue, at least not if you keep dating him. Edited March 13, 2017 by central 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I have that fantasy with a long-distance boy-toy. When we lived together for a year in Montreal, I actually suggested and went to a swingers club with him where I found him other women. It's still great fun to have those images in my mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Cuquean (the female version of a cuckold). The kink is a lot more common than you think. You can try introducing it to your boyfriend by just asking him to tell you about a past sexual experience with a prior girl, and letting him know that just hearing about it turns you on. This way you don't start out by introducing a third party to the dynamic. From there gauge his reaction and proceed as necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Get all these fantasies out of your system before you find the 'one' unless you can find a person who will play along with this idea... which is not impossible... but these fantasy could cause problems in the future as it would allow your mate to have access to other women. Sounds like you you get arousal from the competition of other women. This is on the same lines of women who are in abusive relationships.. the feeling brought on by low self esteem actually creates a unhealthy feeling of love with the abuser. Maybe a therapist is someone you should talk to or maybe its something you will embrace thats apart of you. That is totally in your power to decide. I've seen fetishes destory relationships and I seen them strengthen them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mandy91 Posted April 1, 2017 Author Share Posted April 1, 2017 So I thought I'd update a bit. I've bought this up with my boyfriend. He was interested and we started looking for someone. We immediately ruled out any friends. We found a woman on a dating site and met her for dinner and drinks a few nights ago. She is a wonderful person. We didn't go any further that night but she did kiss my boyfriend goodnight and watching them just confirmed to me how much I want this. We are meeting again next week. Fingers crossed it all goes well. I was very unsure about pursuing this to start with but I have now embraced it. I don't know where it came from but it's who I am so why fight it? Funnily enough posting here helps. It puts the thoughts in my head in order as I have to write a coherent sentence. I never thought I'd be the person to go down this road but now I'm here I'm actually looking forward to it. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 (edited) Honestly if it makes you happy then I say go for it. As long as you do it the right way, just have fun with it. And be aware that you really have to talk with BF and keep the communication lines open. There is always a chance that BF will fall for whoever you get him to sleep with. But if you guys do it the right way, and keep the emotions out of it, it could be a lot of fun. Edited April 1, 2017 by BluesPower 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mandy91 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 I just thought I'd pop back in to let you know how it's all going, but more to tell others wondering if they should try things to say just do it. We have met with this other woman a few times now. This is one of the best things I have done. It still feels a bit weird that I even find this a turn on but there can be no denying that I do. I feel such an attraction to this other woman as well even though her and I have done nothing other than share one kiss. If I listened to my head I would never have ventured down this road. My heart (and some here) told me to go for it. I couldn't be happier at the way it has turned out. If there's anyone out there who is thinking should or shouldn't I, I say to them go for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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