Any people here that are 40+, never been married and no children?

[Eternal Sunshine]

As I am entering late 30s, I wonder how many people out there are in my position.

 

How do you deal with being "the odd one out" within the society? How do you deal with loneliness? Any regrets? Have you stopped actively trying to meet someone? (and if so at what age?).

[preraph]

I'm 64, no kids, never wanted them.

 

Most of my life I did not feel like the odd one out, but then some friends do abandon you once they have kids and are too busy and switch over to mom pseudofriends who will share babysitting with them. The older you get, the less you feel connected to most people with kids. It seems to be the only subject they have to talk about, for one thing, so it's boring. Like I thought about joining local meetups for just ladies to go to lunch and then realized that some of them were for women under 40 and some of them were for older and realized that I'd likely have nothing in common with a bunch of grandmas who only wanted to talk about their kids, any more than I would with a bunch of teens who only wanted to look at their smartphones and thought watching games was the same as having a real life.

 

So it can be somewhat isolating, but truly people with kids, though busy, often say they don't have any real friends, just people they know because of their own kids.

 

I didn't have kids because it wasn't my goal or dream to do so. So I had lots of exciting stuff going on that I was pursuing for many years and mostly ended up around a younger crowd, only occasionally got asked why I hadn't married, but most people around me doing what I was doing, which was a dream career, fully understood why I wouldn't trade that to stay home and change diapers. Many women in my profession back then didn't have kids. They couldn't have done both.

 

I've always been autonomous, gone places by myself, even as a child. I go to eat at nice restaurants, more often alone than not because I do lunch not dinner, and write a blog about the places I like. I have traveled alone a lot in the distant past. I have dogs now that have managed to domesticate me, but since animals are my original love and give me daily joy, it's worth it to me.

 

As for meeting someone, because of my age, you know you get arthritic and old and fat too and other body complications like very bad knee that can make it a lot simpler to just not try to find a boyfriend. I had a really good prospect a few years ago long-distance but who used to live here where I live, but I found it was just too much trouble. I got busy with a sick relative and called it quits long distance.

 

I would recommend staying single and childfree as being a good lifestyle mainly if you are not hesitant to go do things alone, because regardless of whether you have children or not, as you get older and friends have their own life, it gets hard to find someone to go do things as much as you'd like. Not sure it's related to being childfree though.

Edited March 10, 2017 by preraph

[Fair]

I have no kids and have never married and I've always felt isolated, even from others in the same boat. If they, like me, have no families, then they have other interests that separate us, making it very hard to have friends at all.

 

I haven't been actively looking for a long time, if i ever was. I figure if God wants me to have someone he'll put him on my doorstep because I am so done. I'd be married if I could have settled ... but I can't. I'd rather be alone than without a true connection and that's very, very rare.

Edited March 10, 2017 by Fair

[ja123]

No kids ... never married (though lived with 3 guys)

 

 

I was really sad about not having kids when my clock started to run out, but when I sit down and really think about it, I'm glad I never had them (though I love kids as I still have childlike joy in my heart)!

 

 

My GF is a doc and she's in the same boat, but has an amazing career. She loves living alone, though she dates a fair share of men here and there.

 

 

At this point, I don't know whether I'd really want to live with anyone again. I wouldn't mind getting married and living next door to one another, though!

 

 

In any case, I want an atypical relationship. I'm glad I'm different from the pack ... how boring would it be to have done everything based on a preconceived life script.

[d0nnivain]

I was 39 when I met the man who is now my husband; we married when I was 41. We don't have kids. Several of my female friends are over 50 never married, no kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never felt like the odd one out. I had an active social life. I had dates. I did have a prior LTR, lived with him for 10 years.

 

 

I was always ambivalent about kids. Had I really wanted them I may have pushed harder to get married younger because me personally I would not have chosen to be a single mom. When DH & I got married, it was borderline too late & we made a decision not to do IVF because I wasn't chomping at the bit to have kids. Sometimes I wonder what would be different if I'd had a child but I still am not sure I would have been a good mom, so the way I see it, we made the more responsible choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The secret to happiness is appreciating what you do have not longing for what you don't have.

[preraph]

I have no kids and have never married and I've always felt isolated, even from others in the same boat. If they, like me, have no families, then they have other interests that separate us, making it very hard to have friends at all.

 

I haven't been actively looking for a long time, if i ever was. I figure if God wants me to have someone he'll put him on my doorstep because I am so done. I'd be married if I could have settled ... but I can't. I'd rather be alone than without a true connection and that's very, very rare.

 

I used to moderate a childfree board, and one thing that we all realized over there was that just choosing to be childfree did not mean you had anything in common with each other. The one common thread was many weren't conventional, but that doesn't mean you have similar interests.

[Shanex]

I shouldn't normally be responding to this thread as I am only approaching 33 but I don't see a major change in my life 7 years from now.

 

I'm in the ''undecided leaning toward yes'' camp about children. It could happen, I could fall in love again, I've healed from previous difficult breakups. I like children, those of my friends or my extended family, raising children is hard, and no parents could pretend otherwise but it's also tons of fun.

 

The childless life is pretty much drama/stress-free and it's a major pros. Not everybody want children.

 

The only thing I'm certain about is I am not getting married.

[Mr Scorpio]

Loneliness isn't really an issue. I am an only child so I am used to my alone time. No real regrets either as I can't change the past. I can't say that I have stopped actively looking for someone because the truth is I haven't even started. First I have to reach a point where I think I am worth "putting out there". Doctorate? Check. Advanced musical skills? 85% check. Healthy and fit? About 15 pounds above ideal weight.

 

As for society? Screw society. Many of my co-workers with young children will be happy to show up for work on Monday because work is where they get a break from being a parent. I'll be mildly disappointed because I'd rather be anywhere-but-at-work doing any number of things I enjoy.

[FoundLove]

I was 39 when I got married for the first time and I don't have children. My husband has 3 daughters from his first marriage.

 

I have never been interested in having children of my own. Don't ask me why because I simply don't have an answer. I have always felt like the odd one out though because my friends couldn't wait to get married and start having children.

 

I really did want to get married though. That's the only thing I really wanted. But I knew that finding a guy who, like me, didn't want children would be difficult. But I always kind of knew that I'd get married to a man who already had children. And that is exactly what happened.

 

So now I am happily married and there is no pressure on me to have a child (my husband even had a vasectomy right after we got married). He did say if I wanted a child, we could, but I politely declined.

 

Funny how things work out...!

[Banker Chick]

I met my current boyfriend when I was 41 & he was 38. He has never been married nor had kids. I think he always wanted a wife & kids but it just never worked out for him. I was married before & have a daughter so that has become enough for him, just like Foundlove said. We do feel sometimes like we don't fit into the societal norm bc we're now 48 & 45 with no plans to marry & "our" daughter is 25 & living out in CA so we aren't running around with young kids & their activities like the majority of our friends are. I know our friends love their kids but I also know they're envious of our free time.

 

I have two separate co-workers that are both in their 50s & no kids & neither has major regrets. As far as my boyfriend, I think he would have liked to have had a child but he's the first to admit he wasn't ready...financially, emotionally, etc. & none of his relationships were optimal anyway. Ironically, it was the fact he had no kids & no ex-wives that really made him attractive to me!

[Springsummer]

I'd rather be alone than without a true connection and that's very, very rare.

 

sums it up for me.

[Springsummer]

The childless life is pretty much drama/stress-free and it's a major pros. Not everybody want children.

 

The only thing I'm certain about is I am not getting married.

 

Gorge Cloney said the same things...no child, no marriage, see what happens to him now.

[carhill]

As I am entering late 30s, I wonder how many people out there are in my position.

A generation ago but similar. Myself and the 'George Clooney' of our social circle were the only unmarried guys. At your age, my best friend already had grandchildren.

 

How do you deal with being "the odd one out" within the society?

Went off and did my own thing. Traveled the world. Volunteered. Invented stuff. Did what I wanted to do but still with an eye on meeting someone and getting married.

How do you deal with loneliness?

Like another member mentioned, kids who grow up alone, without siblings, often have no issues being alone in life. I was one of those, having lived alone for many years. Still do now, after a period of being married.

Any regrets?

For awhile I did regret not having a young mind to mold and turn loose on the world but the world today, eh, I don't know. That kinda subsided over the years. At the time, your age, I figured if I didn't meet someone, I'd adopt even though it was really hard for men at that time. Still, that was the option.

Have you stopped actively trying to meet someone? (and if so at what age?).

At your age, I had just reentered the milieu after a number of years of stopping so didn't really stop during that period. I had stopped from about age 28 to 35 since that stuff was going so poorly and I was enjoying my business so no sense in putting time and money and energy down a dry hole. At your age, though, reproduction was front and center so nah, not really. Now, fuggetaboutit. Can't imagine. Being married was enough.

 

Oh, BTW, our 'George' never did get married, is mid-50's now, and a recent medical issue underscored the risks of living alone. He had developed a problem and, if not for a neighbor taking an interest and stopping by, he might have died. As it was, he ended up in the hospital for a week. Living alone and being stubborn can be deadly. However, that's usually a guy thing. Women generally don't have that problem and ask for help.

 

Things can change any time. Nothing is cast in stone. Just because you're on one path today doesn't mean you're destined to die on that path. Good luck!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think the main problem right now is this feeling that I don't belong anywhere anymore.

 

All my friends are about done having kids and I am still stuck with the dating problems that they had >10 years ago. They seem bored when I talk about it, and I am not too interested in the kid talk. So we drift apart. I have more in common with people that are much younger but then I don't belong in the bar/club/party scene either.

 

That's the worst part for me really.

[d0nnivain]

That can be tough. You fix it by finding some new friends who are in your same situation. That can be almost as daunting as finding somebody to date but it does make you feel like you fit again.

[Mr Scorpio]

That's the worst part for me really.

 

Your circumstances are not "of you". Your past relationships are not "of you". The way you treat others. The way you think and feel about yourself. The things you contribute to this world. Those things are "of you".

 

Your feeling isolated is understandable. Drifting apart from friends is painful. However, it may be worth considering how much a successful relationship would change this. First, that your friends appear bored when you are discussing your life with them is a reflection on them. Second, a successful relationship doesn't entail children per se. So even then you may still be discussing relationship issues (as no relationship is perfect) while your friends are in "parent mode".

 

Hopefully you live in a large enough city that you can cultivate additional friends. Going out doesn't have to mean getting blackout drunk. Art galleries, symphony, museum, musicals, independent theater, piano bars. There are lots of places you could potentially find people your age that are single. At least that is where they are in my city.

[Poutrew]

As I am entering late 30s, I wonder how many people out there are in my position.

 

How do you deal with being "the odd one out" within the society? How do you deal with loneliness? Any regrets? Have you stopped actively trying to meet someone? (and if so at what age?).

 

Hmmm... I had to think a bit on this one. I am in my mid 50's, never been hitched, and though I won't discount the possibility, I don't think it will ever happen. But I am certainly not feeling lonely. I have plenty of relatives who have children, and get included in on 'family' things enough to not have any problems. As far as sex, well, being a physicist I find it a real turn on when I can tell a female astrophysicist how I want to explore Cygnus X-1 (the first identified black hole) with her, and she gets it...

[PegNosePete]

That can be tough. You fix it by finding some new friends who are in your same situation. That can be almost as daunting as finding somebody to date but it does make you feel like you fit again.

Exactly

 

When I was in a similar situation I joined a hiking group for 20-40's and found out that it mostly consisted of 35-40's, and there were only around 2 or 3 couples in the entire group, everyone else was single.

 

There are plenty of people in the same situation, out there.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Exactly

 

When I was in a similar situation I joined a hiking group for 20-40's and found out that it mostly consisted of 35-40's, and there were only around 2 or 3 couples in the entire group, everyone else was single.

 

There are plenty of people in the same situation, out there.

 

 

I just need to find the motivation to get out there and meet people. Otherwise I feel like life will pass me by.

[Mr Scorpio]

I just need to find the motivation to get out there and meet people. Otherwise I feel like life will pass me by.

 

Well then. It appears you have already found your motivation.

[Chilli]

l know l don't quite fit the bill bc l was married we were together nearly 20yrs and have 1 daughter.

 

But we divorced 4yrs ago and then l wished l'd never married at all apart form my cool daughter of course.

But it is true , you have a totally different life and world and it is all about each other and the family. That's life really, and it's a nice life to if it's working .

 

But since l was single , well pretty well , 3 yrs. And that was weird but l guess bc l wasn't use to it. Didn't have ardly an friends as a single , mostly apart from now and then, friends just don't really cut it for me.

And now l've been in a LDR thing for 12mths and we can't get together very often so in many ways l still feel single and do get lonely for sure,

Not seeing my daughter very often right now either as she's too busy being a teen,

 

So most of my spare time is either skyping or talking with gf so it's still for me a very weird life. and bc we're not together very often l really don't know what to do with myself most of the time apart from renovating the house l just managed to buy or at least attempting to get out and about, go somewhere, be around some people.

 

It's all been really really weird for me though. It's hard to know where to fit or wth to do unless gf moves over.

or else something happens and l end up fully single again.

It's a funny life though, strange at this age. l guess it's a matter of finding your niche all over again in life.

 

l've met a few though that say they'll never get married and when you watch a lot of married people or look at their wife , or hubby for the girls maybe too , you think thank god.

So there ya go , not all bad.

[curiouslysearching]

I just need to find the motivation to get out there and meet people. Otherwise I feel like life will pass me by.

 

you are a very insightful and "deep" lady....life need not

EVER pass you by.....stop watching the train and get on

it....

[TintedChrome]

I just need to find the motivation to get out there and meet people. Otherwise I feel like life will pass me by.

 

48 years old and I regret how my life turned out. I regret never having a relationship with a child like I did with my dad, despite my best efforts. There were a few women I could possibly have married if I wanted to marry just anyone, but I couldn't do that.

 

 

My advice to anyone, if you're about age 31+, and you know you want to do the family thing, or at least considering it.......don't dawdle about. Don't waste time. 20 years from now you totally won't give a crap how good you were at Warcraft. I understand that if you're very introverted like me, it's comforting to spend weekends alone doing your own thing and just letting the universe go by.

 

 

In my experience, join clubs and Meetups for things you genuinely find interesting, especially sporty stuff. I've had far better success/luck/whatever meeting women and getting dates/girlfriends from my social/activity clubs rather from stuff aimed specifically at singles.