Cohabitation?

[Otter2569]

After 10 months together my GF and I are thinking about moving in with each other (not happening for a few more months). We are both pretty excited but as always there are concerns:

 

We've both been single (divorced) 6+ years

We are going to move into my house - shes going to rent her condo

She will have almost an hour drive to work

She has her daughter almost full time while I have my kids a few days a week.

 

What are your lessons learned, experiences, advise or words of wisdom on cohabitating?

 

I'm excited but I have also had my place as a sanctuary and plenty of free / family time during the week. It would be a big change for both of us.

[Jj66]

No experience with a full time blended family. Some people are able to make it work.

 

Good luck to you.

[Otter2569]

Brother, you and me both!

[RecentChange]

How old are the kids? How does her daughter feel about it? Will she be staying in the same school?

 

Honestly, after a bit less than a year it sounds a bit hasty to me, and I think it will be quite an adjustment for everyone.

 

That said, my folks made it work. My dad (who had full custody of me) got remarried when I was 13, and I gained a 14 year old step sister.

 

There were some rough patches but we all survived. They have been happily married for 25 years now, and are enjoying the heck out of their empty nest and retirement.

[rushed]

Here are some things I've learned from my experiences. (My now ex-husband had a three year old daughter at the time who he had on the weekends when we got married. My current boyfriend moved in with me a few months ago. I have a 12 year old daughter and an 11 year old son whom I have Fridays through Mondays.)

 

* Always try to present as a united front with your partner to the kids. Be consistent, especially when it comes to discipline.

 

* Talk to your partner about the roles you will be playing in the other children's lives. (e.g. Do you want her to be like a cool aunt to the your kids? Do you want her to be able to discipline your kids? Will she expect you to help out with driving her daughter to school? etc.) Knock these things out beforehand, because believe you me, resentment can build from issues like this.

 

* Make your relationship a priority. Of course take care of the kids' needs first. But make sure you continue to work on your relationship. Go on date nights. Stay affectionate with each other. Let the other know they're appreciated.

 

Like you, before my boyfriend moved in with me, I had tons of free time and could do whatever I wanted with my kids without answering to anyone. I would go to the gym at 2am. I'd take my kids on last minute camping trips. It was quite an adjustment when my boyfriend moved in with me. Although I was very excited, when he moved in I suddenly felt claustrophobic. This was almost four months ago, but now I'm quite happy. We've all adjusted. And I love our situation.

 

Oh, one more thing, not really blended family specific, but decide who will do what chores. Also, discuss each other's pet peeves and how you can compromise around these. Good luck!

[todreaminblue]

Here are some things I've learned from my experiences. (My now ex-husband had a three year old daughter at the time who he had on the weekends when we got married. My current boyfriend moved in with me a few months ago. I have a 12 year old daughter and an 11 year old son whom I have Fridays through Mondays.)

 

* Always try to present as a united front with your partner to the kids. Be consistent, especially when it comes to discipline.

 

* Talk to your partner about the roles you will be playing in the other children's lives. (e.g. Do you want her to be like a cool aunt to the your kids? Do you want her to be able to discipline your kids? Will she expect you to help out with driving her daughter to school? etc.) Knock these things out beforehand, because believe you me, resentment can build from issues like this.

 

* Make your relationship a priority. Of course take care of the kids' needs first. But make sure you continue to work on your relationship. Go on date nights. Stay affectionate with each other. Let the other know they're appreciated.

 

Like you, before my boyfriend moved in with me, I had tons of free time and could do whatever I wanted with my kids without answering to anyone. I would go to the gym at 2am. I'd take my kids on last minute camping trips. It was quite an adjustment when my boyfriend moved in with me. Although I was very excited, when he moved in I suddenly felt claustrophobic. This was almost four months ago, but now I'm quite happy. We've all adjusted. And I love our situation.

 

Oh, one more thing, not really blended family specific, but decide who will do what chores. Also, discuss each other's pet peeves and how you can compromise around these. Good luck!

 

 

beautiful advice...on repeat...deb

[Blanco]

I dated a woman with two young children, and while I had no kids of my own, I still consider the four of us moving into the same home together a form of blending families. As such, I feel like I've got some insights on the matter.

 

First, you'll notice that I said I "dated" a woman, not I am *dating* a woman; just to give you an idea of how it went.

 

I learned a lot from the experience and while I think it was probably doomed from the start, I think neither of us really did the experiment any favors by how little we focused on key issues that come with living together and incorporating children.

 

1) Discuss expectations before you commit to this major life change. You both have been married, so I don't need to tell you that co-habitation is so much more than simply getting your mail delivered to the same place. Still, it's vital that you both are verbally explicit with what you expect from this change. Everything from logistical issues to disciplinary responsibilities needs to be gone over together beforehand. I kick myself when I think about how little my ex and I discussed these sorts of things before taking the plunge.

 

2) What are your expectations from the relationship? Do you see this leading to marriage? I'll admit, I did a bit of a double-take when I read how you two haven't even been romantically linked for a full year. You two are still within arm's reach of the honeymoon phase and now you're moving things along to the part where, I think, the average relationship faces the most potential for strain and destruction: co-habitation. And that's not even factoring in the children. Speaking of which...

 

3) How do the children feel about this? How do they feel about their parent's partner? Given the time you've both been divorced, I'll assume they aren't so young that they won't have a fairly good idea about what's going on around them.

 

Consider that they've already been through an emotionally trying time with their parents' divorce. A new partner can be intimidating for some kids, especially when the relationship gets serious, because it cements the reality that their parents will never again be together. For as much as I think you should focus on yourselves in this, please do not just assume that the kids will be OK with it.

 

4) Understand that even in the best situations, blending families is really hard. I think I've read in a few places that successfully blending families can take several years. Are you both prepared for things to potentially get strained, especially during that first year to 18 months?

 

5) What's the most time you've spent together as a couple uninterrupted? I was seeing my now-ex nearly every day in the months leading up to us living together, but actually living together was a whole new ballgame. Habits and quirks we both had could no longer be hidden. I was finally able to see that she was overly critical about the tiniest things. She could finally see that I sucked at loading the dishwasher. I found out she snored half of the time. She found out I'm a procrastinator. And so on.

 

Point being, it didn't take long for us to slowly chip away at us. Add in a major life-altering occurrence shortly after the move and we were pretty much dead in the water.

 

Good luck, and feel free to ask any further questions.

[Otter2569]

How old are the kids? How does her daughter feel about it? Will she be staying in the same school?

 

Honestly, after a bit less than a year it sounds a bit hasty to me, and I think it will be quite an adjustment for everyone..

 

Her daughter is 12. My boys are 14 and 17 (going to college next year).

She would be changing schools with the move but is going to be changing schools next school year any ways so this sort of accelerated things. I think her daughter would be good with it...she very open and we talk a lot. My boys are oblivious at the moment but one will be leaving for school in the fall - freeing up a bedroom.

 

Agree on the year thing - totally. This feels right. It will be over a year by the time things actually start moving. The subject just came up and we are all chewing on the idea. Its a big change for everyone.

[Otter2569]

1) Discuss expectations before you commit to this major life change.

 

We are just starting to do this now. Any move wouldnt be for several more months so I want to give this a lot of consideration before making a move.

 

2) What are your expectations from the relationship? Do you see this leading to marriage?

 

Yes although I told her and we both agreed that we should live together for a few years before we do that...I am in no rush to marry. Ive been there and don't want to go through a divorce again.

 

3) How do the children feel about this? How do they feel about their parent's partner?

 

I have a very solid relationship with her daughter and although I am not used to raising girls we do very well together. My boys are a little oblivious. I need to start having talks with them and see how they feel.

 

4) Understand that even in the best situations, blending families is really hard. I think I've read in a few places that successfully blending families can take several years. Are you both prepared for things to potentially get strained, especially during that first year to 18 months?

 

Its a huge step which is why I am looking for insight and talking about it. Not something I take lightly at all.

 

5) What's the most time you've spent together as a couple uninterrupted?

 

We are together 3-5 days a week. Mostly at her place because of her custody situation. I tend to help a lot by cooking, taking her daughter to sports practice, attend her games etc.

 

Good luck, and feel free to ask any further questions.

 

1a. We are just starting to do this now. Any move wouldnt be for several more months so I want to give this a lot of consideration before making a move.

 

2a. Yes although I told her and we both agreed that we should live together for a few years before we do that...I am in no rush to marry. Ive been there and don't want to go through a divorce again.

 

3a. I have a very solid relationship with her daughter and although I am not used to raising girls we do very well together. My boys are a little oblivious. I need to start having talks with them and see how they feel. Plus doing more group activities.

 

4a. Its a huge step which is why I am looking for insight and talking about it. Not something I take lightly at all.

 

5a. We are together 3-5 days a week. Mostly at her place because of her custody situation. I tend to help a lot by cooking, taking her daughter to sports practice, attend her games etc.

[Otter2569]

One of the biggest challenges I see is her daughter.

 

A very smart, mature and perceptive kid but she has a strong, take charge, independent streak. She sometimes thinks she the adult.

 

This will surely clash with my boys and I who are easy going and respectful.

 

I am working to be more of a parent with her now that my relationship with her mom is more serious but it is not easy finding your place and parenting another persons child. I feel its important if we are going to be together long term.

[mikeylo]

When you have teenage kids, its no more about meeting the parents.Its meeting the kids ,lol !

 

You have to understand that being a parent of a girl child and a boy is different.I guess, its better to take your gf's lead as to how to approach her daughter. She is just 12 and will develop / change a lot in the next few years.Dont make her an issue. You might ruin everything.

 

Take it slow with kids.

[d0nnivain]

Don't make the daughter change schools twice in 2 years. Wait until she goes into the accelerated thing & then make the change. Give the poor kid the stability of her friends.

[Gaeta]

The number one discord in a relationship is money so go through all of what will be your expenses and who pays what and at what %.

 

Her and her 2 kids means your heat and hot water bill will triple, grocery will triple, Internet limit needs to be raised, etc.

 

Then talk to a lawyer and inquire what are the laws where you live for common-law couples. I own my home, in my BF moves in officially with me after 2 years he is considered my SO in the eyes of the law. I will have to put his salary on my income taxes and if I die my retirement money will go to him instead of my daughter and a bunch of other consequences like if we split and he moves out I may have to financially compensate him if he earns less than I. That is why if one day he moves with me we will need to visit a notary and have a living-together contract protecting me and my property and also protecting him so if one day I get in financial difficulties my creditors don't go after him.

[central]

We did this, with teenagers, too. It worked out fairly well, overall - we got a house together that was big enough that each kid had their own room, and we agreed to some house rules about cleaning and organizing, involving the kids in the negotiations.

 

 

Here is a suggestion that I'm sure you'll never hear of anywhere: make a "Non-Marital Cohabitation Agreement' - google it, download it, agree on terms, customize it, and have it notarized when you sign it. Now, you can ignore all or most of the provisions in it if you want, but IT CAN SAVE YOUR FINANCIAL WELL-BEING in case of crisis.

 

 

My then gf (now wife) suffered a major, disabling illness. Social Security wanted to use our household income to calculate her benefits, which would have been MUCH LESS than she'd receive without factoring in my income. I pulled out our notarized NMCA, which is legally binding, so they were NOT able to use my income - they had to treat us as housemates with no relationship entanglement. That simple document saved us tens of thousands of dollars over the years that she was ill.

[Simple Logic]

I am not religious, not even certain I see the point in marrage these days, but there is no way I would have a GF and her child living in my home. I would live in their home. Much easier to pick up and leave than evict 2 other people if it doesn't work.

[Otter2569]

Don't make the daughter change schools twice in 2 years. Wait until she goes into the accelerated thing & then make the change. Give the poor kid the stability of her friends.

 

The plan is to change schools only once and to time the move after she finishes this school year.

 

She also does not have a lot of friends in her current school which is why the move could be good as well - a new start.

[Otter2569]

The number one discord in a relationship is money so go through all of what will be your expenses and who pays what and at what %.

 

Her and her 2 kids means your heat and hot water bill will triple, grocery will triple, Internet limit needs to be raised, etc.

 

Then talk to a lawyer and inquire what are the laws where you live for common-law couples. I own my home, in my BF moves in officially with me after 2 years he is considered my SO in the eyes of the law. I will have to put his salary on my income taxes and if I die my retirement money will go to him instead of my daughter and a bunch of other consequences like if we split and he moves out I may have to financially compensate him if he earns less than I. That is why if one day he moves with me we will need to visit a notary and have a living-together contract protecting me and my property and also protecting him so if one day I get in financial difficulties my creditors don't go after him.

 

Wow! $$ is something I know we need to talk about but I no idea about the common law aspect of things...ugh!

[Otter2569]

I am not religious, not even certain I see the point in marrage these days, but there is no way I would have a GF and her child living in my home. I would live in their home. Much easier to pick up and leave than evict 2 other people if it doesn't work.

 

This would certainly be easier BUT I have 50% custody of my two boys (a few nights a week and every other weekend). Given the distance between where she and I live I would not be able to see them during the week.

[Otter2569]

Here is a suggestion that I'm sure you'll never hear of anywhere: make a "Non-Marital Cohabitation Agreement' - google it, download it, agree on terms, customize it, and have it notarized when you sign it. Now, you can ignore all or most of the provisions in it if you want, but IT CAN SAVE YOUR FINANCIAL WELL-BEING in case of crisis.

 

That is great advise! Thank you!!