Another argument yet again with my trucker husband

[whitepicketfence]

Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting on this forum. I'm glad to be here.

 

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. It's been a good year mostly, but there have been countless arguments in between. The last argument we had before today was about three months ago when my husband left for training. He had just gotten a job with a flatbed carrier and he had to go out of state for his training. At the time we were living with a family friend because our apartment was flooded in flies due to a death in our complex (It was even more terrible than it sounds).

 

I don't even remember what we were arguing about, but it was starting to get heated. I hurled an insult at him and left to get myself together in the bathroom. My husband followed me so I locked the door, and much to my shock my husband completely tore down the door and grabbed me by my arm and started yelling at me again. That was a pretty scary moment for me and I think for him, as well.

 

Our relationship only started to improve after he left for training. He was gone for weeks at a time and when he did come back we only spent a few days together. I thought the time apart wasn't going to be helpful to our marriage, but it turned out that space was exactly what we needed. Our phone calls to each other were pleasant, even better than we had treated each other when we were physically together. Honestly, things just became so relaxed when I was at home.

 

Well, today my husband called me to talk about taxes, and he told me to get all of my documents together so we could go to our CPA and get our taxes done the next time he came back. The problem is that this CPA and I don't get along anymore, and my husband knows that. He even told me that he would be willing to just get our taxes done for us without me having to be there. I responded in a way that I thought was firm, but gentle. I told him I didn't want to get my taxes done with him and that I'd like to try someone else this year. I have had a problem speaking up for myself in the past, hence why some of our arguments have escalated in the past.

 

He did become escalated over the phone and became really frustrated with me. He mentioned a few different things. He said that he doesn't understand why I have to make life difficult for him, he asked me if I realized I had to get my taxes done this year and why I wasn't worried about it like he was, and he said a couple other things that just seemed really insulting to me. When I tried to explain to him that I would find someone else who could do our taxes before he comes home next week he kept pushing this issue of why I don't want to go to this CPA.

 

I felt like my husband was being super disrespectful on the phone. I'm fine if we disagree but my husband really kept pushing and pushing me on the phone. He wanted me to explain a few different times why I wasn't okay with us going to this accountant. I'm a sensitive person and I started crying on the phone. He told me that I always explode like this and he told me how much stress I was putting him under. He said he only had a few days to be home, and I was throwing a wrench in our plans. Things progressed from there and we went back and forth for a while.

 

I don't want to do about my marriage anymore because of how much stress I'm under. I married my husband because I loved him, but we also needed to get his green card. I hate to say this but sometimes I wonder if my husband is using me. But why would we argue so much in our marriage if he was just using me to get his green card? We talk about having kids and moving out of state, why would he talk about these things with me if he truly did not care about me? We used to share our finances with each other, but now we don't. He's said that we are going to get a joint bank account together in the future, but now's he saying that we will do it after we pay off our debt. I was okay with these things, but now they just seem like red flags.

 

We have had a lot of problems in our marriage but I always thought we could work through them. But the day he tore down the bathroom door I realized that many things weren't going to be able to work themselves out. I am still living with my friend while he is out on the road. We could not go back to our old apartment so we were planning on moving in three months. However, I have really started to doubt if that is the right decision or not. I would be farther away from my family and friends, and if we get into another argument I'm not sure who I'd have for support.

 

My husband is an incredibly hard worker. He is very responsible and I've always admired him for that. I think he does love me. He promised we would go to marriage counseling after he broke down the door, but he almost immediately backtracked on that offer. I feel very sad right now, I don't want to go back to how things were before. And I would like to move into a home of our own with my husband, but I can't like this. Can someone please offer some insight? I know that I'm asking the opinions of outsiders, but I'm not sure who else to turn to for advice. Thank you.

[preraph]

I'm afraid he may be in cahoots with that tax guys, so what you should do is file separately, not jointly with him, and use whoever you want for your own taxes. He doesn't compromise about anything or respect your opinion and what he did was violent and could be only the beginning. Do not file jointly with him. And do not give him your money. You should never do that anyway. Always have your own bank account and then put some money into a household expense account. This is just common sense. You may need to get a lawyer one of these days, and you'll need some money and enough for a motel, too. Don't have kids with him while things are going this way. Again, common sense. I mean, why would he give a crap that you MUST use his tax guy? That's fishy. He's probably hiding something. Take your stuff to your tax guy and let him do whatever with his, and take most of your money out of his account. No, he won't like it, but then you'll see what he's really up to. In fact, you could pick your CPA and then pull the money out before he gets back if he's gone, and tell him that's how the CPA advised you.

[whitepicketfence]

Well, that accountant helped him with all his taxes when he was working without his papers. I don't like him very much because last year he made a comment about me that I felt...was degrading, to say the least. My husband was there, too when he said it. I don't feel like he is very professional, and it would be uncomfortable for me going back, that's why I want to go somewhere else. I feel like my husband thinks he owes this accountant something for helping him when he did not have his papers.

 

I guess that is why he made such a big deal about going to this accountant. He even said he trusts him and his questions are always answered. To me, I didn't think it was a big deal when I mentioned us going somewhere else to get our taxes filed. He knew the exchange that happened between me and the CPA and I thought he would be more considerate.

[preraph]

Well, that's exactly what I mean. I mean, any tax guy should be able to help with his taxes. You don't like him, so you don't use him. Don't file together. It's time to keep some separate. If he blows up, tell him, This is exactly why I need to keep it separate, because I'm not sure if you're safe anymore.

[whitepicketfence]

Thank you for your advice. I called my husband just a few hours ago and he said he called a marriage counselor. I'll believe it when he makes an appointment.

[Sweetfish]

I wouldn't be concerned with the taxes... I would be concern about the next outburst or melt down he has.

[spiderowl]

Your husband has a violent temper and really it was fortunate he didn't beat you up after he broke down the door. One incident like that should be enough of a red flag for you to consider ending the marriage. Tempers don't usually get better. It sounds like he is very stressed but that is no excuse to be a dominating bully. He has not kept a promise to you about finance - another red flag. He needed a green card - while he may genuinely love you, that does give him another motive to be nice to you until he gets that card. Maybe the niceness has worn off.

 

I cannot advise you on what to do with your husband. I know that for me, one violent incident would be enough. I would never feel entirely safe with him again. It sounds as if you are trying not to make him angry while still attempting to retain some self-esteem and assertiveness, and yet he is still forceful enough to make you cry. I would say divorce him and look after yourself. Your safety and sanity is more important.

Edited February 26, 2017 by spiderowl

[preraph]

I sure hope he follows through on the marriage counselor. He will likely refer him to some anger management, one hopes. It's a good first step. Let us know how things go.

[S_A]

I'm not going to comment on the nature of your arguments, others will do that. However, I totally agree with your husband on keeping your current CPA. Especially if he's going to.. uh... "finesse" your tax return. That's something most CPA's won't due unless you have a great relationship with them. This is important because I have a small hunch that your husband is going to be filing a Schedule C this year. If this is the case, definitely keep the current CPA.

 

Sorry, just needed to throw that in.

Edited February 28, 2017 by S_A