When your partner asks, "Where were you?" is it always necessary to tell them?

[ZayKayWill]

So say you're in a relationship with someone. Say every time you come home a little late or something they ask, "Where were you?", you should always calmly tell them where you were, right? Because in all honesty, if my S.O. kept asking me that, I would be a bit annoyed because it would feel a bit nosy on her part, but at the same time, she's my S.O. Communication is necessary for a successful relationship. So the best thing to do would be to suck it up and just tell her where you were, right? I would be annoyed because it really isn't any of her business where I am, but she still has a right to know. Even though my business is my business, it's still not all about me. It's about Us. What do you guys think? I would try to be the kind of guy to not always nag her like that. I'm sure it would be hard...but I wouldn't want to be that guy because she still has the freedom to do what she wants without people always nosing in her business, but if she wants to know what I was doing on my end I'll give in just for her if it makes her more comfortable.

 

My dad hates it when people ask where he's been. He always responds with, "I don't answer that question...". Just seems kinda shady. I get where he's coming from, though.

[Els]

Have you ever lived with a partner before? Honest question.

 

Yes, it's normally expected that you will inform your partner if you're going to be coming home late, if at all possible, and it's normal to include the reason why. This is because people who live together typically have dinner together and go to bed together (even if one of them sleeps later). If there is a disruption in the normal routine, it's just basic consideration and manners to let them know, because otherwise they would be waiting for you. Same as how if you were going to be late to meet your friends, you'd let them know and tell them why.

[ZayKayWill]

Nope. Haven't lived with a partner before. Not yet.

[mikeylo]

Being in a committed relationship is an entirely different ball game than living a single life.

 

You become answerable and accountable to each other for everything.

 

Live together-- takes the above two things to an entirely different level.

 

Some people want to lead a single life while in a committed relationship. Fail big time.

[basil67]

If you're running late, it's courtesy to let your partner know that you've been delayed at work. Or at the bar. Or wherever.

 

And it's perfectly reasonable to answer "where have you been?" if you didn't let your partner know that you were delayed.

 

Your dad is the odd one here

[central]

Beyond the courtesy aspect, there is the trust aspect, and reassurance. If you are significantly late, and don't provide a reason, your partner will begin to distrust you and wonder what you're hiding. That could be an affair, or a stop to engage in another behavior you've agreed not to do.

 

It's best to call if you're going to be late, so they don't worry unnecessarily, too.

[d0nnivain]

The fact that you don't want to answer is the questionable thing here.

 

 

When a partner asks that they are most likely concerned for your well being not being distrusting. I ask DH because more often then not the answer is his train had a problem or he was stuck in traffic. So then I know he may be a bit cranky. I reserve the Q for lengthy delays, not 10 - 15 minutes.

 

 

Normally when one of us is running late / off schedule, we let the other know in advance.

 

 

It's a matter of courtesy not somebody trying to control you.

 

 

On some level I can understand your father's position. I don't answer the Q for a lot of people because it is none of their business but I will always tell my husband when he asks.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

There's a difference between a few minutes and +45 minutes. If you live with someone that implies that you have a high degree of love/respect for them. Why make them ask? Just tell your SO. It's not like you're in the CIA

[understand50]

All,

 

It is just being courteous. Something you should always think of when dealing with your SO. When I am leaving, I tell my wife where I going and about how long I will be. Call if I am going to be late. She does the same thing. Not because we are checking up on each other, but just so we know how to plan our day, remember we are married, and have things we do, or have to do together. The old question, "when is dinner" comes to mind. What is a different subject. When our kids were young, when can we schedule time to do things, while the other is caring for them. I do not see how you can "run" a marriage, and especially raise kids with out a lot of coordination. We just do it as a matter of course.

 

When I am traveling, or she, we do not call each other as we are traveling, past letting the other know when we are coming home. So, it is when we are together, and have to plan, we are open about who, where or what.

 

My two cents....

[preraph]

Tell them where you're going ahead of time, but not in detail. Say "I'm going shopping," "I'm meeting my girlfriend," "I'm going to the salon." Give some estimate how long you'll be out. Then if he still asks, say sharply, "I TOLD you that earlier! Why are you quizzing me? Are you that insecure?" And yes, he is insecure, and that is HIS problem, not yours.

 

Plus guys who think a woman is trying to find time to cheat is the one who has cheating on his mind, or he wouldn't think that way. He's thinking "If I was out all afternoon, I would take advantage of it."

[SoleMate]

In a close, committed relationship, it's normal to share details of your schedule, activities, and any little glitches in your day. It would be normal to explain why you're an hour late.....was it the traffic, the boss kept you late, you ran into a friend and started chatting, or you wanted to check out a sale and the time got away from you. Then you each know what's happening in the other's life. It's up to each couple to level set on exactly what they prefer.

[Poutrew]

Hmmm... is it normal? Well, the next time your gf asks, tell her it is none of her business and the fact that she is even asking you that question seems a bit shady...then go home and break open a brewsky with pops, because that's the only other human on this earth who will be with you for any length of time...

[amaysngrace]

My kids always let me know when they're going to be late and I do the same. We also all let each other know if we're stopping somewhere on the way home in case anybody wants something from where we'll be.

 

I thought everybody did that.

[preraph]

My kids always let me know when they're going to be late and I do the same. We also all let each other know if we're stopping somewhere on the way home in case anybody wants something from where we'll be.

 

I thought everybody did that.

 

You always want to share enough info not to keep someone waiting around wondering when dinner is, but a woman or man shouldn't have to be plagued with detailing their every move by some insecure person. When that happens, you quickly remind them that is THEIR problem. These days, those type people just text nonstop and intentionally disrupt their partner just because they are insecure. That is NOT acceptable.

 

You are responsible for your kids, so you can do it all you want, though! But they can't do it back to you.

[ZayKayWill]

Tell them where you're going ahead of time, but not in detail. Say "I'm going shopping," "I'm meeting my girlfriend," "I'm going to the salon." Give some estimate how long you'll be out. Then if he still asks, say sharply, "I TOLD you that earlier! Why are you quizzing me? Are you that insecure?" And yes, he is insecure, and that is HIS problem, not yours.

 

Plus guys who think a woman is trying to find time to cheat is the one who has cheating on his mind, or he wouldn't think that way. He's thinking "If I was out all afternoon, I would take advantage of it."

 

You know I find it funny that you bring that up. My dad says that he thinks it's okay if guys cheat if the opportunity comes up because 'that's just how guys are they're supposed to take any opportunity that comes because when a guy gets laid its an achievement'. I bring that up because there was a time when my mom wanted to go out of town for vacation with some friends I believe and he told her no...my mom never stopped my dad from going on vacation...she let him go to Brazil with her brother where there are tons of women he could have cheated on her with...

[d0nnivain]

My dad says that he thinks it's okay if guys cheat if the opportunity comes up because 'that's just how guys are they're supposed to take any opportunity that comes because when a guy gets laid its an achievement'. ...

 

 

Your dad is from another era. Your mother had her reasons for putting up with such nonsense. She most likely felt trapped like she didn't have another choice. Her mistaken belief she had to put up with his infidelity does not justify his actions

 

 

Adopt such archaic ways at your own risk. Most modern women won't stand for it.

[preraph]

You know I find it funny that you bring that up. My dad says that he thinks it's okay if guys cheat if the opportunity comes up because 'that's just how guys are they're supposed to take any opportunity that comes because when a guy gets laid its an achievement'. I bring that up because there was a time when my mom wanted to go out of town for vacation with some friends I believe and he told her no...my mom never stopped my dad from going on vacation...she let him go to Brazil with her brother where there are tons of women he could have cheated on her with...

 

Trust me, when a woman gets laid, it's an achievement too. At least well laid.

 

Your dad never should have taken the vow of marriage. Guys are selfish. They are secretive with women so they can try to keep more than one for sex. They act judgy if women like sex because then where's their excuse for going outside the relationship to get enough sex? It's the biggest pile of manufactured excuses that exists and it's more to deceive than justify. They want women to believe it.

 

All it takes is for a woman to enjoy sex and variety, and the whole house of cards comes down.

 

I've seen in my circle of friends men paralyzed because their wife wants sex more than they do. Men who go to strip clubs and watch porn and then are "nonproductive" in the bedroom, to put it nicely. They let their penis dictate everything they do, but their drive isn't even as intense as these two friends of mine is. So if my friends can contain themselves, I think their husbands can too. I don't buy the "I'm so full of testosterone" crap. If that IS ever the case, well, most people have a left hand. It's more about them wanting one-way sex and not putting forth any effort in reciprocation and wanting to sample the goods of as many women as possible without their partner doing the same.

 

Like I said, in a household where the woman wants sex more and wants to get off, not just go down, the house of cards collapses.

[ZayKayWill]

Your dad is from another era. Your mother had her reasons for putting up with such nonsense. She most likely felt trapped like she didn't have another choice. Her mistaken belief she had to put up with his infidelity does not justify his actions

 

 

Adopt such archaic ways at your own risk. Most modern women won't stand for it.

 

I don't think he ever cheated on her. I mean if he did I would never know. I sure hope not...he was just giving me this speech one day. Can't remember what brought it up, though.

[ASG]

I don't think he ever cheated on her. I mean if he did I would never know. I sure hope not...he was just giving me this speech one day. Can't remember what brought it up, though.

 

If he gave you that speech, he probably believes it and probably lives by it. So I'd say there's a fair chance he did cheat on your mother. Though ignorance is bliss and I do think it's best you don't know whether it's true or not.

 

As for the OP, like everyone else has said, it is common courtesy to tell your partner where you were if you were late/MIA

[Poutrew]

I don't think he ever cheated on her. I mean if he did I would never know. I sure hope not...he was just giving me this speech one day. Can't remember what brought it up, though.

 

Well, if the guy is still alive, ask him. If he says he has always been faithful to mom, then ask him what he meant when he told you to bang any tail you could possibly get, and what is it about being married that would make a man keep his zipper closed?

[ZayKayWill]

Well, if the guy is still alive, ask him. If he says he has always been faithful to mom, then ask him what he meant when he told you to bang any tail you could possibly get, and what is it about being married that would make a man keep his zipper closed?

 

My dad is an oddball. I work with him and he ALWAYS talks about "getting pussy" and crap like that. He's a doctor so he has a very alpha personality if that says or means anything...besides even if I did ask him what are the chances he'd actually tell the truth? :/

[Gaeta]

'where were you' should never be asked in the first place. It's an interrogation that implies a lack of trust. If my BF is late I never say where were you. It would never even cross my mind to ask that. I would simply tell him next time let me know when you're delayed. I don't need to know what he's doing and where he is, I only need to know if he'll be late for dinner. If I don't hear from him then I call him. I don't ask him where he is, I ask him when he'll arrive.

 

I have a friend who's always interrogating her bf where he is. The man can't be late 5 minutes she thinks he's up to no good, he can't even be caught in traffic. Nice way to kill a relationship.

[ASG]

'where were you' should never be asked in the first place. It's an interrogation that implies a lack of trust. If my BF is late I never say where were you. It would never even cross my mind to ask that. I would simply tell him next time let me know when you're delayed. I don't need to know what he's doing and where he is, I only need to know if he'll be late for dinner. If I don't hear from him then I call him. I don't ask him where he is, I ask him when he'll arrive.

 

I have a friend who's always interrogating her bf where he is. The man can't be late 5 minutes she thinks he's up to no good, he can't even be caught in traffic. Nice way to kill a relationship.

 

I don't disagree. However, I think if someone is very late or MIA for an extended period of time, the question isn't out of order. It might be phrased differently, like "what happened?" Or something...

 

I once had a bf call me and say he'd come and meet me in a couple of hours. He never turned up. I was really worried. He surfaced again hours later... he'd gone out riding his motorcycle and lost track of time. That relationship didn't last much longer, however, on that occasion, I felt really entitled to ask and get an answer to "where were you??"

[Gaeta]

I once had a bf call me and say he'd come and meet me in a couple of hours. He never turned up. I was really worried. He surfaced again hours later... he'd gone out riding his motorcycle and lost track of time. That relationship didn't last much longer, however, on that occasion, I felt really entitled to ask and get an answer to "where were you??"

 

But a sincere boyfriend would not wait for you to ask, right? He would tell you I am so sorry I was biking and lost track of time. If he doesn't offer an explanation with his apology than he's not worth dating.

[aileD]

Have you ever been in a relationship before? A real one, in the real world (not high school or college)?

 

Your dad is a crappy role model for relationships and that's probably why (based on your posts at LS) you don't understand the RESPECT aspect of a relationship.