Otter2569 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 I am not normally insecure and usually roll with things very well but now im dating a woman who, I feel, is sexier than me and more social than I am. Last night we went to happy hour with her co workers. Several of whom iv'e met before . They are all very fun and nice. But there is this guy "Steve" who she talks about (hes decent looking, married, has kids). They talked, laughed, joked and hung out for most of the time. He was a very nice guy, we talked a lot too, have things in common and they were pretty inclusive with their conversation but after a while I felt like a third wheel standing there with a fake smile on my face waiting and hoping for things to wind down. I couldnt help but notice how they laughed, teased each other and joked effortlessly back and forth...way more than we do. Of course I didnt say anything. It felt awkward to me but I didn't want to be a wuss and bring it up. At the end of the night GF thanked me for coming out and making her night fun. We curled up in bed together and she told me how much she loved me. Is it normal to feel this way? Ive never been jealous or insecure before. I dont like feeling this way and also I dont want make something out of nothing by talking about it with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Otter2569, This is your perfect opportunity to see how to act with and treat your girlfriend -- who loves YOU. It is up to you to develop the relational and social skills that she finds attractive -- well, that most 'normal/average' people find attractive, really; and, that's also very useful to have for all business/professional and other relationships, as well. You need, in a hurry, to get over your lesser-lower self-image that you take on by comparing yourself to her (she is 'sexier' and 'more social' than you) and to others. Find your own high/good qualities and just focus on those and further developing those. The other thing is that it is very, very, very common for workmates, especially in office environments, to develop close non-sexual, non-romantic working relationships, whether same-sex or opposite sex, which, of necessity, have to be friendly, supportive and collaborative. My brother and his wife often refer to their 'work wife' and 'office husband', respectively. They are each intelligent, secure and in-love-with-each-other enough to see this exactly for what it is -- nothing that is a threat to them individually, and nothing that is dangerous to their marital relationship, either. (For myself, people often mistook my boss for my husband...even at functions where my actual husband and my boss' actual wife were both present. Once it got sorted out, it was always a good laugh for all in attendance.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Share Posted February 4, 2017 Ronnie, you are 100% correct which is why I made it a point not to say anything to her. I knew I was being overly sensitive. She is perhaps the first woman that I have dated that has her **** together: she's smart, sexy, fun, sarcastic, self reliant, has a good job and is low maintenance. She walks into a room and just lights it up. I used to be "mr social" and am no slouch by any means but she seems to eclipses me when we are out in social settings. Men and women are drawn to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Everyone is different. Be who you are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 4, 2017 Author Share Posted February 4, 2017 Everyone is different. Be who you are. Absolutely! I usually am and its always been more than good enough. Just a different situation and feeling for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 she's smart, sexy, fun, sarcastic, self reliant, has a good job and is low maintenance. She walks into a room and just lights it up. I used to be "mr social" and am no slouch by any means but she seems to eclipses me when we are out in social settings. Men and women are drawn to her. The thing -- a caution, I guess -- is that the lower you choose and allow your own self-image go because of your insistence to compare and set yourself down (necessarily, therefore, setting her up, on a pedestal), the greater foundation you are building for active jealousy and resentment against her. As it is, already, the root of your feelings represented by your posts, is envy...against her, not her co-worker. It's like Prince Charles, who never could get over Princess Diana's charm, charisma and ability to light up a room. She had it, he didn't; and, he resented her for it. Better to date and marry someone with whom you feel more equal and of whom you feel less envious. Don't you think? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 If he's all that, his wife is probably twice as hot as your gf. Don't worry unless he starts contacting her after bedtime. Link to post Share on other sites
simpleman2017 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 I am not normally insecure and usually roll with things very well but now im dating a woman who, I feel, is sexier than me and more social than I am. Last night we went to happy hour with her co workers. Several of whom iv'e met before . They are all very fun and nice. But there is this guy "Steve" who she talks about (hes decent looking, married, has kids). They talked, laughed, joked and hung out for most of the time. He was a very nice guy, we talked a lot too, have things in common and they were pretty inclusive with their conversation but after a while I felt like a third wheel standing there with a fake smile on my face waiting and hoping for things to wind down. I couldnt help but notice how they laughed, teased each other and joked effortlessly back and forth...way more than we do. Of course I didnt say anything. It felt awkward to me but I didn't want to be a wuss and bring it up. At the end of the night GF thanked me for coming out and making her night fun. We curled up in bed together and she told me how much she loved me. Is it normal to feel this way? Ive never been jealous or insecure before. I dont like feeling this way and also I dont want make something out of nothing by talking about it with her. I think she is just a social girl. Thats it. if she loves you and loves your qualities thats all matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Otter2569, This is your perfect opportunity to see how to act with and treat your girlfriend -- who loves YOU. It is up to you to develop the relational and social skills that she finds attractive -- well, that most 'normal/average' people find attractive, really; and, that's also very useful to have for all business/professional and other relationships, as well. You need, in a hurry, to get over your lesser-lower self-image that you take on by comparing yourself to her (she is 'sexier' and 'more social' than you) and to others. Find your own high/good qualities and just focus on those and further developing those. The other thing is that it is very, very, very common for workmates, especially in office environments, to develop close non-sexual, non-romantic working relationships, whether same-sex or opposite sex, which, of necessity, have to be friendly, supportive and collaborative. My brother and his wife often refer to their 'work wife' and 'office husband', respectively. They are each intelligent, secure and in-love-with-each-other enough to see this exactly for what it is -- nothing that is a threat to them individually, and nothing that is dangerous to their marital relationship, either. (For myself, people often mistook my boss for my husband...even at functions where my actual husband and my boss' actual wife were both present. Once it got sorted out, it was always a good laugh for all in attendance.) This statement you wrote was written VERY well but this is my caution to anyone that takes this advice particularly what I made bold. Stay your self and prefect your self as you see YOUR SELF. Some people have the gift of making others laugh or feel sexy and they have honed that skill for years and to try to mimic or mirror another person.. your S.O. will see RIGHT THRU YOU. Her going home and saying I love you can go two ways. One: she appreciates you didn't act like every other guy. Two: She says she loves you knowing that naturally you should be jealous. Jealously is a normal human trait and is absolutely healthy. Don't let anyone tell you other wise. Its what you do when you feel jealousy that dictates if your over reacting. Its built into men to be competitive. Its in your nature to protect so its normal you feel this way. And by the way O.P. considering I just read your previous threads... I can very well see why you should be VERY concern with your G.F. Oh dear... That is why I ALWAYS ask the O.P. for more information before I give advice. While your "lifestyle" is your business and I have no right to judge.. asking such a question in a general relationship forum and not stating you live an alternative lifestyle is misleading. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Jealously is a normal human trait and is absolutely healthy. Don't let anyone tell you other wise. Its what you do when you feel jealousy that dictates if your over reacting. Its built into men to be competitive. Its in your nature to protect so its normal you feel this way.Stated as an absolute fact or absolute truth, like this, is inaccurate. Jealousy, like many other traits that human Beings presently demonstrate -- anger, resentment, unforgiveness, etc. -- is actually a perversion of a higher trait or quality. We are meant to completely overcome and transcend the negative expression, which is misguidedly still seen and accepted as 'healthy' or 'natural and normal'. Learning to control what we do or our reactions is only the first step in the process of complete self-transcendence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Stated as an absolute fact or absolute truth, like this, is inaccurate. Jealousy, like many other traits that human Beings presently demonstrate -- anger, resentment, unforgiveness, etc. -- is actually a perversion of a higher trait or quality. We are meant to completely overcome and transcend the negative expression, which is misguidedly still seen and accepted as 'healthy' or 'natural and normal'. Learning to control what we do or our reactions is only the first step in the process of complete self-transcendence. Ronni I agree with you 100% but because we are human, 100% complete self transcendence is impossible. That is why loving someone with negative and positive traits is considered healthy and some form of jealously is healthy as it exist in our unconscious mind. Its given to us when we are born and we simply manage these feelings as we grow. So to say being jealous is not healthy: Is to say being angry is not healthy. It is impossible for a human being never to be angry... To admit your are never angry or incapable of being angry is actually unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 I agree about the work relationships, you spend 8+hrs a day with these people and feel comfortable around them. It's a lot of time to get to know someone. I am very close with my co workers too a few who are men, but that's as far as it goes. Try not to focus on them and just enjoy the time spent with your woman 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Sweetfish, I also agree with what you are saying, in its general form. . Ronni I agree with you 100% but because we are human, 100% complete self transcendence is impossible. Complete self-transcendence is not 'impossible'...only very, very difficult and challenging. There are examples, through history, of human Beings who attained their full Christhood - or Bhuddahood, if you prefer - while still in embodiment on Earth. The contents of our subconscious mind are still our responsibility to resolve, and was not just 'given to us', by some external Being or Force, at some prior point in the history of our Lifestream; we are also responsible for it being there in the first place. Jealousy and anger, etc., naturally block our attainment of higher levels of consciousness; in this way, they are not healthy -- that is, neither the cause of the impulse nor the physical-outer expression. It is possible for us to completely transcend and transmute the cause by using the proper and specific tools and techniques designed for this purpose. You are 100% correct that to deny, ignore or try to pretend away one's own existing spiritual perversions and psychological blocks is unhealthy. Similarly, of course, we have to accept that others are suffering from the same, and to love and accept them as they are at any given stage. (Which does not mean to just tolerate and cater to and put up with any harmful and hurtful attitudes and behaviour.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 She is perhaps the first woman that I have dated that has her **** together: she's smart, sexy, fun, sarcastic, self reliant, has a good job and is low maintenance. She walks into a room and just lights it up... ...Men and women are drawn to her. Hey Otter, don't forget how awesome you must be for this woman to be in love with YOU :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 At the end of the night GF thanked me for coming out and making her night fun. We curled up in bed together and she told me how much she loved me. Because no other guy before you put up with that ! Many affairs start like this. Many partners are not comfortable with this. You did best you could but she missed the sign that she is taking it too far and needs to stop. It's common sense that if you are with your partner , no matter how much you are into conversation with another person , you need to draw a line somewhere. By continuing beyond that point, the direct message she sent to that guy was that he is more important than you. Once she has put you aside, he too gets free pass to walk past you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Share Posted February 6, 2017 Jealously is a normal human trait and is absolutely healthy. Don't let anyone tell you other wise. Its what you do when you feel jealousy that dictates if your over reacting. Its built into men to be competitive. Its in your nature to protect so its normal you feel this way. And by the way O.P. considering I just read your previous threads... I can very well see why you should be VERY concern with your G.F. Oh dear... That is why I ALWAYS ask the O.P. for more information before I give advice. While your "lifestyle" is your business and I have no right to judge.. asking such a question in a general relationship forum and not stating you live an alternative lifestyle is misleading. While we have been to a couple of "lifestyle" events we are a normal loving couple with jobs, houses, kids, families, friends etc. The vast majority of the time we are just like everyone else. She has a radiant personality and is more social. That doesn't diminish what we have, how we act or how we feel about each other. It does I believe open the door for emotions such as jealousy. IMO, Its learning how to effectively and constructively deal with these emotions when situations arise. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 While we have been to a couple of "lifestyle" events <snip> It does I believe open the door for emotions such as jealousy. Otter2569, If you are engaging in any life or lifestyle activity that does or potentially could give rise to any negative emotion -- jealousy, fear, anger, impatience, etc. -- then it is in your own highest interest to stop. Such emotions arising within yourself are a clear indication; or, should be taken as such; that your own psychology is not yet strong enough to properly process and handle whatever the particular situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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