Should I go back? UPDATE: I went back :(

[Kim87]

Long story, not so short. I'm sorry guys I just really need your help. And for that I have to tell you my story.

 

I've had a bf for 4 rocky but wunderful years. He has a huge commitment issues because of his background. So he hasn't always treated me Nice. Cheated on me a few times. But I know he loves me.

 

The last 6 months. We haven't been together, I had enough of him always only investing 60% and not good at showing he cared. So we had parted ways. Only little contact. We can't seem not to have contact for a longer while. Because we miss each other.

 

In those 6 months. He has been with other women and have for the last 3 months seen one women for mostly sex. But they would occasionally Hangout too.

 

I ve also been with other people. But nothing serious.

 

He writes me an email early January, saying i shouldn't quit on us and I should fight for it. So I call him up and tell him that I want to be serious this time. No more bs. I want a future where him and I have kids and live together. He fully agrees. We start to hang out. And I slowly feel him being his old self, about not wanting to talk about us. So I asked him "what do you want,if you would choose " "do you wanna monogamous relationship with me or an open relationship where you keep seeing the chick you are seeing now. " he said. That he definitely wouldn't want to live without me and that he loves me but for now wants to keep the relationship open. But that we where bf/gf.

 

For a moment of insanity agreed to this. Just because I absolutely am in love with him. But the week after. I was having a hard time knowing that he was seeing a other girl just for sex and casual talk. Especially because he hadn't even made one attempt to sleep with me since we got back together. Expressed my feelings and opinions to him. And he understood so it seemed. I asked him if he was planning on telling her about me. He said yes.

 

Only to find out he hadn't. I told him this wasn't going to work. He wants open relationship and I don't.. he knew I had to leave. I'm feeling so devastated.

 

Now guys, finally comes my question.

 

He wrote me saying that he's going to break up with her and that he was to be with me, how we used to and we should take it the next step and he didnt mean to hurt me. Only 4 days after we broke it off again he wrote that.

 

He says the ball is in my court.

 

I'm so conflicted about what to do. Please help with advice

[Larryville]

I've had a bf for 4 rocky but wunderful years.

 

He has a huge commitment issues

 

So he hasn't always treated me Nice.

 

Do you seriously not see the contradiction here?

 

Cheated on me a few times.

 

But I know he loves me.

 

or here?

 

I had enough of him always only investing 60% and not good at showing he cared.

 

we miss each other.

 

Or here?

 

He has been with other women

 

I ve also been with other people.

 

I absolutely am in love with him.

 

But the week after. I was having a hard time knowing that he was seeing a other girl just for sex and casual talk.

 

He wants open relationship

 

I'm so conflicted about what to do.

 

The answer is run like hell BUT… you won’t. More important personal issues with you going on…

 

K of course not just for you but anyone in a similar situation and life circumstance…

 

First understand codependency, rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away a learned pattern of relating that leads to broken relationships and pain.

 

You don't know where you begin and other people end. You violate your own boundaries and the boundaries of others by trying to control their perception and treatment of you.

 

You need some serious extensive self-examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value.

 

If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself.

 

This situation is an absolute freaking disaster and if you can’t see this, just focusing on the quotes above you have a much bigger problem than whether or not you should “go back.”

 

When you get the strength to walk the hell away the correct answer will be obvious to you.

[SerPundnes]

Walk. Walk faaar away. Focus on youself instead.

 

NC FTW

[Kim87]

Hej again guys.

 

My ex is coming by tomorrow too give me my laptop back, he'd borrowed for the merre week we lasted this time around. the reason is he wanted a open relationship I wanted monogamy.

 

Basically he could never fully commit in those 4.5 years we where together. So I run and he always pull me back in. By saying fight for it and blaming me for always running, the minute I get weak and broke NC.

 

I love him so much and I'm very well aware that it's a toxic relationship and I need help with my self-esteem. Because I keep going back to someone who has lied /cheated on me and manipulating me.

 

Anyway he was supposed to give me my laptop back Thursday. Keep making excuses why I couldn't get it. (I didn't at any time write him back) He wrote me a message 4 days after we broke up that the woman he was gonna break it off with the woman he is seeing now. because he wants a life with me. I didnt answer back, but it killed me. And then he finally wrote me again, saying sorry he haven't come by with the computer he promised to come today. When he didn't. I wrote him. Not to be cruel and please just drop of my computer.

 

He replied fast with" oh now you write back." He kept on telling me how petty I was. When he was going though hell. How he can't get a job, the system is working against him and his grandmother died today.

 

I immediately felt bad. And expressed how sorry I was for his loss. (Just like that he had sucked me right in again ) seriously with this guy I have no will power or identity. My boundaries are fluent with him.

 

So we started heavy arguing. He is flipping everything back on me. While I'm trying to make him understand how he make me feel when he always putting me last in his priority.. he of course deny this. Say all I'm good for is running and it's my fault I left. Ect.

 

The argument ended with me promising to help him with a job application tomorrow. I tried to express i can't keep helping him and being there if we anit together, that even talking to him is hurting me. He threw a tantrum, saying stuff like "then don't help me". I end up feeling bullied into helping him. Of course he doesn't appreciate it any of the help and support I give and he dosnt give back neither.

 

I'm so nervous about tomorrow I don't know how to go about it.

[Stercrazy]

Tell him to drop the computer off at one of your friend's house. Then go no contact and block him everywhere. You deserve better.

[Kim87]

Thank you, kind soul! But the thing is nobody knows that I'm still seeing him on and off for the last year. I'm so embarrassed of being that weak that I lie about him,too the people I love the most. I'm afraid what they might say and jugde me. Always been a strong woman. It would kill me if their image of me would change too. I can't let him have that also.

[Frozensushi]

I'm afraid what they might say and jugde me.

 

Ahh, well then I will judge you instead.

 

You are a doormat, lack confidence, have no self-respect and pretty much don't even know what a boundary is even if it slapped you across the face.

 

You should seek professional help. Why do I think this? Because of the following.

He kept on telling me how petty I was. When he was going though hell. How he can't get a job, the system is working against him and his grandmother died today.

 

I immediately felt bad. And expressed how sorry I was for his loss.

 

If you are not already seeing a therapist I would highly recommend that you find one. You need someone to help guide you in rebuilding yourself. A strong woman wouldn't have stuck around as long as you have. You wasted so many years on this guy. Your relationship with this man is a joke. You've allowed it to continue and get hurt again and again.

 

I do not believe that you will adhere to any advice given to you unless you are serious about leaving this emotionally abusive and toxic relationship for good.

[Kim87]

you are absolutely right. I differently need a good slap in the face. Unfortunately I also have to admit that slap won't be enough.

 

I need help and I know it.

 

My friends and family try to help me. But I couldn't help it. Grr I hate feelingen no control over my own will.

[preraph]

If you have any self-respect at all, you will at least date other people and make that dating a priority over him.

[Kim87]

Hi again guys.

 

I couldn't help it. I went back to my ex. It embarrassing how many time I've broken up with him. Ive lost count.

I come running back the minute, he tells me he wants to be serious this time.

 

I believe him every time. And like why everytime he has some excuse to not being so affectionate or serious with me.

 

This time. He wrote me this after I left his place.

 

" this has nothing to do with you, but I'm not really feeling deep deep affectionate to anyone or anything ( hence the reason why I feel so cool to you) it's not you, I'm loving but only to certain degree. Understand? .. I guess I feel closed in.

 

So don't take it the wrong way.. "

 

More info: we've been together for 4 and a half years on /of. When we do break up is because of a bad argument. The break ups normally don't last long. But the last break up lasted 5 -6 months. And we just got back together. In the time we've been apart he's been seeing another woman. Mostly just for sex. He was going to end it with her.. last week when we got back together. But he still hasn't. He told me that needed my answer First about being together.. he hasn't seen her since we got back together but I know they're texting. I feel this is wrong. Not just for me but her also. So I keep asking him if he is broken up with her yet. He keeps postponing it. And now this message he sent to me about not being so affectionate right now.

 

I know I'm a fool. But I love him so deeply.. I keep thinking and hoping this time he will be serious.

 

So frigging blind when it comes to him.

[BluesPower]

I have had some women feel that way about me. In my youth I used them. Just like he is doing to you now.

 

It was wrong when I did it and it is wrong what he is doing to you.

 

This guy will ruin your life. You have already wasted almost 5 years with him.

 

Please let him go.

 

Are there no nice men where you live? I really just cannot believe that there are not.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless and until you get help for your underlying self-worth issues, this won't change. He doesn't love you.

 

He certainly isn't going to change. Only you can change.

 

You can help it. Stop telling yourself you can't. You use a lot of defeatist language to describe yourself and this toxic situation. Enough of that. Seriously, stop positioning yourself as a victim, girl. You've been participating in your misery long enough. It's time to take your power back.

 

Only then will you stop letting this manipulative loser back into your life.