I feel like my boyfriend likes my friend- how to handle

[belen20]

I have a feeling that my fiancé likes one of my friends and I'm not sure how to handle it, or if I'm overthinking it.

 

It started in the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé. The first time we went out together, it was supposed to be his friends and mine. His friends canceled so it was just him, me, and my friend. At the time, I was really nervous and when I get like that, I don't talk much. So my best friend does. She spoke for a little bit and then my now fiancé said, "Why are you single?" Then he quickly added, "why are you both single?" At the time, I was a little hurt, but I didn't know him AT ALL and he didn't know me. We obviously went on to be in a relationship together and he never actively pursued my friend. However, after that, other comments he'd make about her made me feel weirder than I would had he not made that comment.

 

For example, one weekend after spending the night at his house, I accidentally left a pair of my underwear. He sent a pic of them to me and said, "Are you missing these?" teasing me. When I came to his house again, he made a joke that, what if those weren't really my underwear, they were someone else's and then he said my friends name! I thought that was a really inappropriate joke and I took it personally, given the comment he'd made about her on the first night we met. I explained to him why I was mad and said that would be like me joking that his friends boxers were in my bed. I think he got it, he kept apologizing, and insisted it was just a bad joke on his part. I decided to believe him, but it's still something that is in the back of my mind.

 

One evening, my boyfriend and I were washing my car, and he asked me what my friend and her boyfriend were up to. At this point, we'd hung out with them before and had fun, so I didn't think anything of him asking. I told him I wasn't sure, but I'd ask. He continued to ask several times about what my friend was up to and when she was getting into town. I still hadn't forgotten about his comments he made about her, so I got angry and told him that he could text her himself if he was so concerned. He said that it would be "weird" if he did that. Then I flat out asked him if he liked my friend, to which he said no and got mad that I would even think he'd like one of my friends. That was that for a while.

 

One night when we had a bunch of friends over, my friend came as well. My boyfriend and I ended up getting into a fight that night. I was in our room with him and we were talking. My friend and another acquaintance (girl) came in (we were all drunk) and I left, leaving my boyfriend alone with them. My friend later came out (a minute later) and told me that my boyfriend said he was upset because "I think he likes everyone else." He then told my friend that I even thought he liked her. I brushed it off in front of my friend, but why would my boyfriend say that to her? I'm thinking it's because he was drunk and frustrated but what if he was trying to put his feelers out there?

 

Anyway, it's pretty clear that I feel extremely insecure about the whole situation. I also keep trying to remember if he's actually flat out said, "No I don't like her." I've brought it up again and he asks me what has made me feel that way, he says he's not interested in any of my friends, and repeatedly tells me I am the only one he loves/wants and that he doesn't want anyone else. He does not bring her up at all and if he does, it's because we are having people over and he asks me if I want to invite her and her boyfriend.

 

I'd love to move past this. We all used to hang out in the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé and everything was fine. Obviously my fiancé has proposed to me so that must count for something, right? I just can't get his comments out of my head. I know he likes her as a person and as my friend (more than my other friends) so I don't know if I'm picking up on that or something more.

 

I'm tired of being insecure but every time I feel I've moved past the situation, this gnawing feeling keeps coming back.

[ZayKayWill]

The comment about the underwear was a bit inappropriate but I wouldn't say it automatically means he likes her. Maybe he was just being friendly with his earlier comments.

[preraph]

He likes her. Usually guys don't even like their woman's friends and wish they'd just stay away and then if they do, they like them TOO much. I wouldn't trust him on it, and whether you trust her, only you can know.

[ZayKayWill]

No gonna lie it seems like most people here almost always assume the worst case scenario.

[sandylee1]

The underwear comment was out of line and that would have really made me think twice. I don't think I'd have got passed that.

 

He didn't pursue your friend and he had the opportunity to do so in the beginning. I think he probably thinks she's attractive and he does like her, but he's with you and she has a man. Does he get on with her boyfriend?

 

I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them together though and if you're marrying this man, you should be sure about it.

[Gloria25]

This sounds like the "Beaches" movie - where Bette Midler's husband really wanted Bette's lifetime friend (Barbara Hersey) but "settled" for Bette.

 

You're engaged to this man. This is serious. While he may have "settled" for you, are you ok with being with someone who may have "settled" for you and cannot squash his desire for your friend - who is an active participant in your lives?

 

I say sit the two (your fiance and the friend he desires) down - express your concerns and right then and there let him and her what you need from both of them (i.e. him stopping the remarks about her, her not being part of your two lives) for you to be able to move past this.

[belen20]

The underwear comment was out of line and that would have really made me think twice. I don't think I'd have got passed that.

 

He didn't pursue your friend and he had the opportunity to do so in the beginning. I think he probably thinks she's attractive and he does like her, but he's with you and she has a man. Does he get on with her boyfriend?

 

I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them together though and if you're marrying this man, you should be sure about it.

 

 

She didn't have a boyfriend when he first met her, so I feel like he could have easily pursued her. She and I were both single and we did not become "exclusive" until two months after dating. Her boyfriend and my fiance get along, but do not hang out unless we four are all together.

 

Most of what is mentioned above happened over a year ago, except for him telling my friend that I felt he liked her. I've talked with him about each of those things and he's either profusely apologized (with the underwear comment) or he's stopped asking about her, except when he will casually mention if I want to invite my friend and her boyfriend over. That is only when we are already inviting other people over and it does not happen very often.

 

My fiance is a very friendly person, with everyone. I feel, at times, it can come off as being flirtatious, even when he does not mean it to.

Edited January 15, 2017 by belen20

[belen20]

To be clear, my friend doesn't know I feel this way (she was confused when my boyfriend mentioned my feelings to her) and I don't think my friend has any sort of inkling that my fiance may or may not desire her. My insecurities stem from the first two comments he made about her ("single" and the underwear thing) and other issues as well. Both of these comments he made were during the first few months of our relationship. Since then, anything "normal" he might bring up (i.e. him mentioning getting together with her and her boyfriend- something we'd normally do) made me insecure.

Edited January 15, 2017 by belen20

[Gloria25]

To be clear, my friend doesn't know I feel this way (she was confused when my boyfriend mentioned my feelings to her) and I don't think my friend has any sort of inkling that my fiance may or may not desire her. My insecurities stem from the first two comments he made about her ("single" and the underwear thing) and other issues as well. Both of these comments he made were during the first few months of our relationship. Since then, anything "normal" he might bring up (i.e. him mentioning getting together with her and her boyfriend- something we'd normally do) made me insecure.

 

Well, if you don't wanna do a sit down with the two of them, then I guess you have to decide what you need from your fiance to be able to move past this.

 

I mean, again, you are engaged to be married and marriage is serious business. So do you wanna be one/two/three/etc. kids in with this guy and several years down the road to continue to have this on your mind and one day end up breaking up your kid's home (i.e. divorce) cuz you never moved past it?

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

Most of what is mentioned above happened over a year ago, except for him telling my friend that I felt he liked her. I've talked with him about each of those things and he's either profusely apologized (with the underwear comment) or he's stopped asking about her, except when he will casually mention if I want to invite my friend and her boyfriend over. That is only when we are already inviting other people over and it does not happen very often.

 

My fiance is a very friendly person, with everyone. I feel, at times, it can come off as being flirtatious, even when he does not mean it to.

 

Trust your gut. Seems your gut is saying something's off. And the thing that's off could be that your bf has poor boundaries.

 

To me, it was inappropriate for him to mention to your gf that you felt he liked her. Also, you mention that he's often flirtatious without meaning to be. He may be immature and just needs to grow up and establish some boundaries.

 

Why not work on that before you marry? Clearly you don't trust him completely. I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust. Why not work on establishing trust in your R before you proceed to marriage?

[girlwhohasaquestion]

Coming from someone with the Exact same insecurity, THIS is what I say.

first off he could have chosen her easily on the first night. They were both single, and you were quiet so to some ppl it seems u didnt show interest. He prob found you more attractive but her interesting.

100% he loves you he wants YOU. But keep your eyes open.

Don't let them be alone together, avoid discussing her too much and even seeing her much. Just act relaxed and say hunny Im so sorry for being jealous, I know your love is for me and me only. Then be smart but dont show too much craziness unless you have a good reason.

 

I think your guy wants you. No one put a gun to his head to propose marriage. But guys do have their crushes so be smart and always a step ahead.

Ive had a far worse sitch and how I handled it was just as I told you. Smarts succeed stupidity good luck and congrats on the engagement!

[sandylee1]

Don't rush to get married and take the time to see that he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

If there are aspects of his behaviour you can't cope with, like his flirting, then think long and hard if you can deal with this in marriage.

 

Friendly is one thing, but flirting is another. Discuss how it makes you feel and either accept him as he is or don't marry him.

 

I think some premarital counselling or reading would be helpful for you both.

 

I'm gonna check something out and post info back here for you.

[elaine567]

If deep down you do not trust him then do not marry him.

You need trust for a marriage to succeed.

If you are continually on edge thinking he "settled" for you and really wants your friend, then you will be miserable.

If you are continually questioning him as to his motives with your friend and maybe other women, that will make him miserable or may even drive him away.

 

What is his dating history before he met you?

Was he the sure and steady "relationship" type, or was he a serial cheater and a player who was always playing the field?

If the latter, then your gut here may not be wrong.

[nobodyIam]

He likes her,but most probably not in romantic sense. Guys usually dont like girlfriends friends because female to female friendships are different friendships that us guys have. And when he meets your friend that he actually likes,he tries to make you spend more time with her since he trusts her.

 

Source: I'm a guy and had similair experience.

[amaysngrace]

You probably shouldn't be getting married if you're this insecure. Yes he asked you to marry him but if that's not enough to get you past your insecurities then you should probably go speak to somebody before taking the plunge.

 

Were you planning on making her a bridesmaid?

[belen20]

Thank you for all of the advice! To answer some questions...

 

1.) My fiancée has actually mentioned counseling to help us get past some of my insecurities. As mentioned, I am insecure about this particular incident but also in general, so I know it is something I need to working (and have been working on little by little).

 

2.) I do believe he is a little immature and often aims to please or to make other people laugh, etc. His friendliness is one of the qualities I love about him. He is not at all flirty in a touchy/freely, inappropriate comment sort of way, just in his way he tries to make everyone feel at ease. He has not made another inappropriate comment about my friend nor does he ask about her. He never asked about her excessively (I don't think), it was that one moment in which I was already feeling sensitive.

 

3.) He was in a 6 year relationship prior to me, but was "dating" before he met me.

 

4.) I was planning on making her a bridesmaid. He already knows this.

 

5.) He definitely likes her as my friend. I think she is the easiest to be around in comparison to my other friends. My goal is for all of my friends to like my fiancé and vise versa. This situation came up because of the comments made in the past that made me a little insecure about it.

Edited January 15, 2017 by belen20

[belen20]

Just to be clear: he never flirted with my friend. What I meant was that, in general, sometimes his niceness toward anyone gets misconstrued as something else, either in a "he gets taken advantage of" sort of way or in a "flirtation" way. He has never "flirted" in front of me before (I.e. Touchy/feely, cute little comments, etc.)

 

The extent of what was done was mentioned above.

[Lady2163]

Not really the same thing, but uh....years ago when I was an OW, I introduced the MM to my oldest friend. I warned him in advance to not be flirty or make any sexual innuendos. My "friend" had/has a problem with boundaries and if a man likes her better than whomever he may be dating, she considers him open season.

 

She's not my friend anymore, but I knew from the past when she had crapped on me to get to a man or a crush of mine that it was useless to set the limit with her. I've refused to introduce her to any men I've dated in 25+ years.

 

Now, it doesn't sound like your friend is the problem, it is your fiancée.

 

He may be friendly,to,everyone but it also sounds like he is also good at throwing feelers out there. It is a bit of a test to see if a woman picks up the hint and returns it.

 

You have to set your limits with him. Not all women are the same what their limits are. I don't date a man that "looks" in my presence. I don't date a man who is overly friendly with waitresses or service personnel in my presence. In both those instances it is just bad form to look when you're out with someone else or flirt with someone in front of their date. Guys on here may say, "all men look" but a) not true and b) smart guys don't get caught.

 

So, it is important that you set limits and boundaries with your fiancée. Counseling can help you do that. He needs to know what buttons NOT to push and both of you need to learn that alcohol is no excuse to break the limit.

[elaine567]

Just to be clear: he never flirted with my friend. What I meant was that, in general, sometimes his niceness toward anyone gets misconstrued as something else, either in a "he gets taken advantage of" sort of way or in a "flirtation" way. He has never "flirted" in front of me before (I.e. Touchy/feely, cute little comments, etc.)

 

The extent of what was done was mentioned above.

 

OK but if others see his friendliness as flirtation than I guess you may be fooling yourself and only seeing what you want to see.

 

Attached people are allowed to be charming, are allowed to do some "safe" flirting even, but it is all about trust.

YOU trust that person not to betray you, you trust that person to observe boundaries.

You don't seem to have got to that stage with this man.

[babybrowns]

My ex-boyfriend was like this and I know the feeling. Worse, he always looked at other women even in front of me, and being in that relationship made me temporarily insecure about myself. We dated for a year and then it ended. This was a few years ago and thankfully I regained my self esteem afterwards. If I had stayed with him, I might not have. I know it can be hard to get out of such a relationship when you love the person. But guys like that don't change, and it will be *so* much harder to leave once you have tied the knot. I would advise you to postpone the wedding as long as possible to give you time to think/ to see his true colours to the max.

Edited January 21, 2017 by babybrowns

[belen20]

Thanks again for the advice. This has definitely been on my mind, even still.

 

My problems lie in the fact that I am insecure, so for me it's almost like the chicken and the egg scenario. Did my insecurity turn my boyfriend's friendliness into something more, or are my fiancés actions truly something to be worried about?

 

I've tried to think about it two different ways (and more) but mainly:

 

1.) If this was another friend of mine, would I feel the same way? This specific friend of mine also lacks in boundaries. She would never, ever do anything with anyone's boyfriend, but she is a little out there. That is something else that makes me a little insecure.

 

If I think about my boyfriend making these comments about another one of my close friends, I wouldn't feel as badly or as worried.

 

2.) Each individual event by itself does not make me worried. The fact that he asks about a friend once or twice is normal. He does this whenever another friend texts me and with my family as well. The underwear comment is weird and crosses the line by including a friends name, but I understand the joke. I guess it's just the combination of all of the events, plus the fact that I don't completely trust my friend to watch her boundaries.

 

All in all, I am not certain my boyfriend likes her. I know he likes her as a person and as my friend but anything more is difficult to say. We are pretty good at discussing our feelings, so the door is always open there.

 

The things I've asked him to change, have changed. I am still keeping my eyes open, but at this point, I am choosing to be happy and trusting, mostly because worrying 24/7 is exhausting.

[belen20]

OK but if others see his friendliness as flirtation than I guess you may be fooling yourself and only seeing what you want to see.

 

Attached people are allowed to be charming, are allowed to do some "safe" flirting even, but it is all about trust.

YOU trust that person not to betray you, you trust that person to observe boundaries.

You don't seem to have got to that stage with this man.

 

I completely agree with you here! I'm not sure how to clarify what I mean, so I'll think on it. My boyfriend is "very friendly" (by my definition) in that he can usually connect with anyone, whereas I usually take a back seat in those situations, but those are our personalities. I am (to people who don't know me) quiet and don't go out of my way to strike up a conversation. My fiancé is totally comfortable chit-chatting with both males and females he doesn't really know in everyday situations.

 

Maybe others don't take it as flirting- I've never been told that. Maybe because I'm not as "outgoing" (though I can be, depending) in those situations I'm like "Wow! He's really friendly to this person!" When it's a totally normal exchange.

 

I don't know - I feel as though I maybe added to this confusion with this post but, what you said just got me thinking.

[preraph]

Don't tell your girlfriend about your suspicions, because then if she does have any feelings about him, that opens up that can of worms because now she has an excuse to go talk to him or whatever. So keep it quiet and don't tell mutual friends. Hope she's got some boundaries.

 

Also don't tell her anything much about your relationship with him except that it's going really well. Don't tell her how good he is in bed or anything like that or that you are having problems.

 

Go do the counseling. If he is hiding something, maybe it will come out and meanwhile, maybe it will ease your fears. Good luck.